Tuesday, December 30, 2008

phantom kicks...

So, I'm wondering if I'm going to be looked at as if I'm loopy, but sometimes I still feel kicks in my tummy~ just like when I was pregnant with Lily. The kicks don't happen often, but they make my heart stop when they happen, because it seems as if it's one more of nature's cruel jokes. Like when my milk came in, but I didn't have a baby to feed.

I've always heard that people that have had limbs amputated will feel phantom pains. I suppose these phantom kicks are just maybe a mind-playing trick that happens when a baby leaves your body too soon? Or do all pregnant women feel this at the end of their pregnancies?

So many quesions! Not many answers...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A whisper in my ear & peace for my soul

I know God talks to you at unexpected times, but I didn't expect to feel His presence and hear His voice at the movies. I went to see "Seven Pounds" yesterday with my darling bestfriend of 23 years. For months my mind has been stuck on death, but this movie makes you think on how precious each heartbeat truly is...all of a sudden I felt God's peace flood over me. In such a way that I am still in awe. I can't put this moment into words, but I feel such a river of peace going through my soul. He has given me a renewed spirit, and a strength to carry on even if I still miss Lily. To be honest I have really been trying to give God the cold shoulder because I was mad at Him for allowing Lily to die...and to be honest I wasn't really sure that He cared that I wasn't talking to Him, but yesterday He showed His love to me in a special way that again I can't explain wholly, and this was a special moment in my relationship with Him.

I woke up this morning and went to church with so much excitement to learn and be with other believers. I haven't felt this way since Lily died. I'm no longer afraid of death, but I am convicted now on enjoying living now...and know that one day I will be with Him in glory, and will finally hug my daughter. Life is for the living~ and this must be done remarkably and abundantly.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Our first Christmas without Lily

If I said that I had not envisioned this day being entirely different than it turned out then I would be lying to you all. My excitement for Christmas time had returned to the days when I was a kid. All because we would have our Lily here with us. Her absence today was very hard for my husband and I as we watched all our nieces and nephew open their gifts. The same scene as last year and the year before that...yada yada yada...

My hubby and I are having our 3rd annual last Friday party tomorrow (the last Friday of the year just happened to be the day after Christmas this year, so next year it will have to be called something else entirely). I bought a beautiful cana lily plant to go next to her picture to honour Lily during the party. I am also going to keep a candle lit during the entire party. Lily is a member of this family and I will not act like she never existed. There is a very beautiful photo of Lily on the table in our foyer, and I expressed to my hubby that the picture would not be moved under any circumstance when we decided to proceed with the annual party. Sure, a picture of our dead baby isn't exactly the "socially appropriate" photo, but it's a photo of our child nevertheless.

So, I'm ready for this year to be over, and its not even because I have this well of hope that next year will be better...this year was just the worst year of my life, and I figure that it can't get any worse.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Falalala....You know what?! Bah Humbug!

I'm trying so hard to be in the Christmas spirit. My hubby and I went to see our neices in their Christmas play at their church. I've put up the Christmas decorations, bought and wrapped the gifts, put the Christmas cards in the mail. I'm actually ahead of the game as far as that goes, but I'm just not feeling the real reason for the season. I was in church every Sunday and most Wednesdays before Lily died, and I'm sad to admit that I can almost count on one hand how many times I've been to church since losing her. I feel like God loves me, and I still love Him...I'm just so cotton-picking mad at Him for allowing this to happen to me. I'm grateful for all the other things that He has given me in life...but I would almost give all those other things up to have Lily. I say almost because I need my health to be here to take care of her, and my hubby to help raise her, but the material possessions- take em. The job- give it to some other crazy work-acholic...

I just feel like my spirit is miles away from my body...and I'm too mad right now to want to work on things. Pray for me guys, because right now I'm becoming a very bitter infertile.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I've been called a lot of things, but...

Mommy isn't one of them. We were at Atlanta Bread Company eating dinner the other night and I noticed a table of a mom, dad, and a baby that was about a year old when we were going up to order. The little girl was really cute, and of course this instantly made me sad because I will never know what Lily would have looked like as a one-year old (or any age for that matter, and I don't know what she will look like in heaven).

As dinner progressed the little girl did start getting a little noisy, yelling and carrying on, and her daddy was trying to calm her down. Then the little girl started crying and saying "mommy, mommy" with this pathetic little whimper. I started crying with her, because I'm so dying to hear those words, no matter if they are said with a joyful voice or a mad voice...I just want to be mommy.

A childless mommy is not what I want to be...I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them or ease them of their fears. I want to wipe away their tears when they're sad, and to laugh with them when they're happy. I'm not looking to have a house full of kids, which is a blessing, but I just want to be a mommy to at least one (living) child. Is that really so much to ask?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Is it official?

I feel like I've losing my mind! Those of you who know me personally may be thinking "what took you so long to figure it out?" but maybe I do need to get some counseling. Here's the reason: Every other night for like the last 3 weeks I have had a dream that someone I love has died. I'm not going to list the names of the deceased in my dreams because I'm not psychic and don't want people rushing out to increase their life insurance policies. I know these dreams are coming from the fear of losing the ones I love, because of how heartbroken I am over the death of Lily. I just want the dreams to stop because I wake up all upset and weird-ed out. But I will tell you that I normally am extra nice to the person following a dream. So, if I buy your lunch or hug you too many times, well, you probably made the death-dream list.

The dream I had last night is especially upseting because if this person died in real life...I would absouletly give up on life. The world has lost a lot of meaning for me (especially in the last few months) but losing this person would throw me right off a cliff. I love this person with every fiber of my soul and will every day of their lives unconditionally~ so, this dream has me really freaked out.

Whether this is normal going through the grieving process or not- I want it to stop, because sleeping is for rest and I don't feel as if I'm getting any...rest that is :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

No hope for me...

So, we went to see the specialist today. Whatever hope that I had of ever carrying a baby again has been sucked out of my sails. Unequivocally, he says that I should never get pregnant again. He says that it is too life-threatening~ I had to take him even more seriously when he said that if it were his wife, sister, or mother that he would want a doctor to be this open and frank with them. My heart is broken, because not only do I mourn the loss of my daughter, but knowing that I will never feel life move inside me again is very hard for me as a woman.

I told my husband that I should be thankful that the organs that don't work inside me are not the ones that I need to sustain my life. But it is hard as a human to know that after I die there will be nothing left to carry on my genes. I understand that I can still parent a child through adoption, and maybe that person will carry on some of my traits and my essence. I would love any child brought into our home with every fiber of my being, and they will be family through and through. Surrogacy is still an option, but an extremly costly option and still will not guarantee a sucessful pregnancy and live birth.

So, here we are...all little girls plan on getting married and having babies...this is not the happy ending that I had planned on giving my fairytale.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Words from my neice...

I offer the following post to show that kids are so much more advanced than we were at their age. My 9 1/2 year old neice wrote the following post on HER blog about my husband and me...She has always been exceptionally intelligent and empathetic. I have always enjoyed being her aunt, and you all are about to see why:

My Aunt Jen Jen and Uncle Chuck have been wanting to have a baby every since... forever. when the time finally came they were so happy. their lives went perfect. i was glad to see them happy again. but when the time finally came to have Lilly *cries* of course it was on August 3, 2008. it was to early to have Lily. But that day Lilly was born. *cries* Later on that day Lilly *oh and did i mention Lilly is my cousin?* passed away. *cries and sniffles* I never got to meet her. But i wish i got to know her better before she died. I miss Lilly terribley. And this is a prayer that my Aunt Jen Jen and Uncle Chuck *And me* never forget our blessed child *and cousin* of Lilly Angeline Nolf.GOD BLESS YOU GUYS!

These are her words...I love the *cries and sniffles* part~ she writes exactly the way she talks. I thought this was too good not to share!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The wonders of a woman's body...

I was relaxing in the tub last night and my hands (still) instinctively rub my stomach. Which got me to thinking about all that my body has been through this year. I haven't been real good with losing weight since Lily died, but my stomach is not nearly as flat as it used to be, which wouldn't have been such a bad thing if I could've had my baby here with me. Excuse me~ and most of you mamas will agree~ my "girlfriends" will never be the same... the other day our receptionist at work was kidding around about spilling water on her shirt and she said "I'm not really lactating"...and for whatever reason the wind was knocked out of my sails for a milli-second. When I got home from the hospital my "girlfriends" were absoultely enormous and I had leaking issues for about 3 weeks. Which again would never have been a problem if I had my baby with me. I was willing to take all of these changes to have a baby in our home. I was willing to accept the widening of my hips...for my boobies to get even more saggy...to go up a shoe size...all to have a baby in our home. I've only listed the changes that can be seen on the outside, for no one can see how my heart has been forever changed.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Finally ready for some answers...

The doctor that I credit to saving my life while in the hospital is Dr. Trevitt, who is a prenintologist (ms?) , that my ob-gyn called in to consult over my case. Lily died from a concealed abruption, that had been diagnosed as appendicitis. My ob-gyn wanted me to deliver Lily naturally so she began inserting the cytotec onto my cervix, but after 16 hours of this I was still not going into labor. My health was quickly deteriorating so Dr. Trevitt was called in and decided within 5 minutes that an emergency c-section was needed. My husband was told that I might not make it out of the surgery~ people, I was sick...next thing I remember is waking up on the ventilator. I thank God for Dr. Trevitt, he was my guardian angel, without him I would no longer be here to grace all of you with my greatness :)

Dr. Trevitt was in the room when my uterus ruptured...He talked with Chuck minutes after the surgery was over and verbatim told Chuck "if she were my wife, I would never let her use her uterus again"...ugh, so I have been dreading see Dr. Trevitt because of all the emotions that I carry from that day~

We are going to Dr. Trevitt on Wednesday. I have so many unanswered questions. I want to tell him thank you for saving me. He pretty much told my doctor what was going to happen, and she started singing a different song. I will never have satisfactory answers for all the questions. I will never forgive myself for not going to the very best hospital to begin with...I will always feel like I let my sweet baby down. But, if he can answer some of the burning questions than maybe some healing can really begin.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm home

So, we are back from our whirlwind trip to Pittsburgh. I wish that I had positive news to report, but no, the quick trip turned out unfornately exactly the way that I had aniticipated. Let me share a few of the lovely comments that I received from the in-laws...1.) " it's hard to lose a baby but its even worse to lose a child"...ok, what exactly does that one mean? 2. My mother-in-law informed me that she "could've had 10 kids if it weren't for her husband's low sperm count, so it's reverse for you guys, Chuck can have kids but you can't" 3.) "I'm always buying for everyone else's grandkids, because I don't have any" . Oh, and she refuses to call Lily by her name, she is just referred to as "the baby" and acted postively repulsed when shown a picture of Lily~ which of course pissed me off...all mommies think their baby is beautiful. Yeah, I'm pissed but I feel worse for my husband, who by nature is soft-hearted and is the most loving and nurturing soul that you could ever meet...and to see him receive little to no support from his parents is heartwrenching for me. Chuck's parents have actually been where we are...so, for them to be so distant is just puzzling. They are nice people, but obviously are just absouletly clueless.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


We are going to Pittsburgh this weekend to celebrate Christmas with Chuck's parents. We haven't seen them since May for Mother's day, so if you're reading between the lines you will notice that they didn't come to Lily's memorial service. This was very hurtful to my darling of a husband, and their absence was noticed by several others that were at attendance at Lily's memorial service. Lily is their only grandchild...their first grandchild and who knows...maybe their only grandchild. Not only did they not come to the memorial service, but they did not send a sympathy card or any flowers. They didn't call me once while I was out of work for 8 weeks. Chuck is adopted, which I have probably mentioned in a previous post, when he was one month old. But 2 years before they adopted Chuck they did have a baby boy that died during labor due to his umbilical cord wrapped his neck. They didn't hold their baby. They thought we were crazy when we told them that we had pictures of Lily. Parts of me wonder if they are reliving losing their child and they just don't know how to also handle the loss of their grandchild...so they just kind of act like Lily didn't really happen? or if they think its better for us if they act like life is peachy again and nothing has happened...Don't get me wrong~ Chuck has terrific parents, and I got really lucky in the in-law department, they are very giving and loving and treat me like their daughter. I plan on bringing the pictures of Lily on the off-chance that they ask to see a picture of her. I will update on how the trip went when we return on Sunday...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The due date that will never happen...

Today is Lily's due date. Today is the day that the doctor told me would be the "day" that I would meet my baby. Chances are this wouldn't have actually been the day that she would have born if the placenta abruption hadn't happened on August 3rd because all the babies born in my family are born 2-3 weeks early. December 3rd just stands so prominently in my mind because that was the date I was given when I found out that I was going to be a mommy. My heart hurts because I thought that I would have my baby for this Christmas~ I had even bought her a velvet dress to wear for Christmas morning. Normally, I am so optimistic for New Years...I make all the resolutions that I never stick to, and I am so optimistic for all the new things that may pop-up in life in the following 12-months. Now, I go into 2009 with trepidation because what else could happen to me that could possibly wipe out the memories of 2008 from my mind? I found out I was pregnant on my birthday~ no other birtday will have the same significance or will I ever receive a better present than I did when I received my sweet baby.

I'm going to buy one pink balloon for my hubby and I to release tonight. We are going to write Lily a message on the balloon~ and I'm going to light a candle in the angel candle holder that my mom gave me for my birthday. I do this in remembrance and in honour of my daughter's life~ the end of the life that has changed the whole meaning of my life forever.

Lily Angeline
Born into Heaven 8/3/08
~We will love you and think of you everyday until we are reunited~

Sunday, November 30, 2008


Today my hubby and I went to see Australia (a must see for you hopeless romantics~I cried more times than I wish to admit) and a wonderful statement glared in my face while getting comfortable with my chick flick. The moment didn't even happen during the moving, but during the opening moments when the studios name is featured on the screen...I can't remember the name of the studio because I was so fixated on the quote written on the ribbon below their name... "A life lived in fear is a life that is only half lived"...at that moment I realized that I have lived this life of fear since August 3, 2008. When I returned to work after my 8 week medical leave I was petrified of seeing any of the 3 babies that my boss's daughters had given birth to recently or seeing the very young pregnant girl that works in a different department. I'm petrified of going out to eat and seeing the good looking couple carrying in their new baby into the restaurant, and even more terrified to see if this baby is a girl. I feel less trepidation for some reason if the baby is a boy, and I suppose this is because I had a baby girl. How to "snap" out of this fear is something that I don't know how to do just yet, and I don't know if I'm even ready to move to the next stage yet. I know that I can't hold in this "fear" spot forever, but its so hard to let go of this feeling...

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Getting the Christmas spirit~

So, my hubby and I have been debating on how crazy to get with our Christmas decorations this year, because we don't want to appear like we are not respectful of our daughter's memory. But, a few of my neighbors have decided to do their Christmas decorations (last year these people did nothing), which prompted me and my hubby to bring our A game this year. I mean we are the obnoixous neighbors...You know the ones where there are like 10,000 lights, a penguin wearing a scarf, snowmen piling up everywhere? Yeah baby, we are those neighbors...I mean Lily wouldn't want her mommy and daddy to look like chumps...

So far I have done a good amount of work in the home (I included some pics with this post), and we haven't been able to do much with the outside since its been raining here in Georgia since Thanksgiving.

Seriously, this Christmas season is not going the way that I had intended it too, but in my heart of hearts I know that she would still want us to enjoy this time of year. So, forced or not, I'm going to hang the lights and the misletoe...and see what happens...
As, you can see even Delilah is getting into the action!! I will post some of the outside as we continue to deck the halls...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

My side of the bed faces the bookcase that holds Lily's urn, her picture, and other do-dads that I put up there to honor my daughter. That bookshelf was the first thing I looked at coming into conscienceness this morning. So, I rolled over and told my hubby the things that I am (still) grateful for in my life. I thought that I would share that list with all of you:

1. My relationship with my heavenly Father. I'm thankful to Him that I even have this list to write out because I know without His loving hands involved in my life and left to my devices that my life would not be as colorful. I'm also thankful to Him for the sacrifice of His only son that gives me the opportunity to see my daughter again.

2. My wonderful husband who is a constant source of laughter and support everyday. I have such a good time with my husband every second that we are together. Even when we have serious discussions he can always say side-splitting commentary to have me rolling on the floor. He is such a good provider~ I haven't paid a bill since we got engaged, and I have been blessed to not really have to worry about money because he has everything taken care of (for those of you worried that I can't take care of myself anymore let me assure you that he keeps me involved and up-to-date on all of our affairs). He holds me every time that I've cried whether its because someone hurt my feelings at work or if more importantly I just miss my sweet Lily. He is everything to me~ my bestfriend, my partner, and the father to my child. He is the love of my life.

3. I'm thankful for the short time that I got to spend with my daughter. She is missed every second of the day...and death no longer scares me because I know she will be there holding the Lord's hand when I get to heaven to greet me. I love you Lily!!

4. My family, and as shown in my previous post, especially my sister. All families have their issues, but I know that when needed that they will all be there for each other.

5. My friends~ the ones that you know are there for you no matter what happens in life. You have the ones that you've known since childhood and the ones that you meet along life's journey. I hold them close to my heart, and there are a few that I consider as close as family. Even my blog and BBC buddies~ thank you for pulling me through some of my darkest days with your kind words. You keep me sane on days when I feel as if I'm falling apart. We will probably never meet, but know that there are loving thanks to you~ many virtual ((hugs)) to you wonderful and supportive ladies!

6. My health~even with my broken down uterus...I laugh as I write those words. I'm healthy, other than needing to lose a little weight, but I have no disabilities that keep me from enjoying all the wonderful things that make life worth doing everyday.

7. My job. Even when I vent about being sick of working for a living, and do all of the normal things when complaining of your job...I am thankful that I am gainfully employed with such a great group of people and by such a wonderful company. Everytime any of our home office folks come down for a visit they greet you with a hug..even if its the first time you've met them. They have been a terrific company to work for for the last 6 years. Thank you to my boss. Mary, for giving me the opportunity to work in an environment that I enjoy everyday.

I love this road called my life~ the potholes, and the bumps....and the newly paved roads that make life so enjoyable. Carpe diem! Much love and peace wished to all on not only this Thanksgiving by everyday of the year!


I'm posting this pic that I took at a Walmart in Commerce, Georgia for giggles!!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I have the best sister in the world!

My sister was the first person that I confided in when my hubby and I decided to expand our little family. I tell my sister pretty much everything, and every month she would say "darn it" when I would start my period (this went on for 17 months), so my sister was the first person my husband and I called when we found out we were pregnant. We talk two or three times a day, and she would always ask me how I was feeling, and it honestly felt like she was just as happy and excited as I was to be having a baby after trying for so long and hard.

She has been equally as heartbroken over Lily's death. She is the one of the few people, other than my husband, that still talks to me about Lily like she was a human being. She has never once given me that pity look and said something along the lines of "accepting God's plan" ...She lets me be sad and just listens. She has been counting the days (along with me) until Lily's due date, and even though its not the type of countdown to the due date that we both had hoped for, she is still a constant presence to let me know that living is still worth it. It has been hard for me to want to go one...losing your child is something no mommy should have to endure, whether your child is 23 weeks old or 50 years old...your heart breaks all the same. But Aimee has been the most loving and supportive soul. A true blessing.

As shown when she gave my hubby and I a snowglobe with Lily's name on it over the weekend. The snowglobe plays music and has a tree in it with a sign that says "we never lose the ones we love, they live inside our hearts"...While most people act as if I should be handling things better, she drove an hour to pick up this snowglobe so that we would have it for Lily's due date.

Thank you Aimee for all that you do...and for not just being a great sister to me but for loving Chuck and being there for him like you have always done for me. We both love you~

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Unintentional pain

There were a few other ladies who were pregnant the same time I was at work, due dates seperated by mere weeks. These ladies have continued on with their pregnancies (thank the Lord) and are about to pop~ which is a daily reminder of where I should be in life. I overhear conversations of lower back pain, and what their last doctor's appointments were like, and how they are doing their last minute preparations to get ready for their new addition. I am so happy for them (REALLY!) but it still is extremely difficult to not want to run to the bathroom and curl into a ball. I would give anything in life (excluding my relationship with God and my dear hottie of a husband) for things to be differently. I can be moved to tears by the simple thoughts of certain outfits that I bought her, or thinking of all the things on our registry at Babies-r-us that we will never get to bring home to our Lily.

This is going to sound ludacris to some, but even when my husband and I go out to eat and we make a toast before having a drink, we say "here's to Lily"....She is the first and last thought of everyday. I desperately miss her.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Our last day...

I often think about the last day that I spent with my Lily. The day started out so grand with going to yardsales (haven't been to one since that day), having a great lunch, I bought some UGA pacifiers, and took a long nap on the couch. I think about how excited I got with every one of her little movements, and how especially active she was that day. Then I think about how horribly that day ended with some mysterious pain that came out of nowhere. I think about how she was kicking away even as her daddy was driving like a madman to get me to the hospital because of all the pain. I think about how relieved I was when they told me that her heartbeat was terrific and that I was having no contractions. I remember thanking God that my sweet baby was okay, and to keep protecting her. I regret accepting the pain meds and falling asleep and not even noticing that my baby wasn't moving anymore. I am thankful that my husband was able to tell her that we loved her, and that Jesus would be waiting for her. I'm having a hard time right now because our due date is 2 weeks from today...

I love her so much, and I miss her more than I thought could ever be possible...I don't want this to happen to anyone, but WHY did it have to happen to me?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Thanks Similac!

**Let me say "sorry" in advance to all of my non-cussing friends**

So, I'm minding my own business checking the mail after work today, and low and behold what is in my box? A freakin box of Similac formula in a lovely box about how much motherhood rocks, blah, blah, blah...You know what Similac? You can shove that box of formula up your a-double s, because I was going to breastfeed anyway! How in the hellicopter did they know I was pregnant at one time anyhow?

Thank you for letting me vent...I can't throw the TWO huge cans of formula away, because they're almost as expensive as a gallon of gas. Maybe this adoption thing will be quick and they will still be good...

I've never be so pissed to get a free gift!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

To the next step...

My husband and I have officially begun the process of adoption since any future pregnancies for me are very unlikely. I could possibly get pregnant again but it would be considered extremely high risk, so I'm trying to be realistic.

We went to a great seminar last night on how to get started in the adoption process, and we have our first appointment to discuss baby preferences, and how to do our profile. We are going to be using an adoption consultant and they guarantee to have a newborn placed in our home in 3 to 12 months. The lady giving the seminar told the group that once you get to the place where it is more important to be a parent than to get pregnant then you are in a good and healthy spot to begin the adoption process.

I feel more hopeful about becoming a mommy...this is certainly not how I planned on accomplishing that goal, but regardless I feel that my husband and I can give a child a good and loving home. So, we will see what the future holds....

I'm trying not to feel guilty though, because I never want to be disrespectful to Lily's memory. I love her more than words can say...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Lily's voice

I was talking to my husband the other day about how I used to read my bible studies out loud while I was pregnant because I wanted to know that as a mother I had always spoken the Lord's name to my child. I told my husband that I was comforted by the fact that when our child reached Heaven that she had already heard His name and how much her mommy loved Him. Below is what I wrote today, as I imagined her hearing my voice everyday and how she felt when she met the Lord.

Lily's Voice

Her voice starts as vibrations in my little world of fluid. What I know of time moves very slowly, but the changes in me happen rapidly. Her steps lull me to sleep, but I jump at the various sounds that my carrier makes throughout the day. She calls herself “mommy” and the other voice that I hear is called “daddy”. Throughout the day I hear mommy talk of this and that and I wiggle around when she laughs. Daddy goes over my ABC’s everyday, and I dance at his silly songs.

We start the days with a story that she reads aloud to me. Everyday they are stories of a man named Jesus. She reads the stories and then talks to Him the same way that she talks to daddy. She asks Him to take care of me, and to help me grow according to His will everyday. She tells Him that she loves Him, and she always ends this talk with the same word “Amen.”

Then one day I am very sleepy, but I hear daddy talking to me and he is telling me that he loves me and to go to a man named Jesus. I know that name! The sleepiness is more than I can handle, and I see bright lights around me, and the lights are much brighter than I’ve ever seen before. I notice that my fluid world is now one of light and I feel very happy. I look up and I am in the arms of a very beautiful man, and I instantly know that this man is Jesus. I tell him that my daddy on earth told me that He would be here, and Jesus tells me that He has always known me and has always loved me. I miss mommy’s voice, but He tells me that she will be here one day with me also, but that she still has work to do on earth.

Jesus carries me to a playground were all of the other children play, and tells me that my days will be filled with happiness and joy. I wish I could tell mommy and daddy how nice it is up here, so that they will not be so sad. I want to tell them that just like Jesus held me in His arms, that he holds them in His hands everyday~ and that He loves them, too.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

No, I am not okay!

When people find out that I had a stillborn daughter in August their immediate response is "Wow, you look like you're doing good." What?!? I wanna say "no, I still cry everyday, but just because my daughter's heart stopped doesn't mean that the work has..." but instead I smile and say "well, you have to do the best you can each day..." I understand that some probably believe that they are giving me a compliment, but you know my immediate response is guilt, because I feel as if they think that I'm over her and moved on. This is my issue to deal with, but I'm just so stuck in this overwhelming grief. I don't even remember how to feel happy like I did before Lily died. I function well for the most part, but I carry this sadness in my heart that is hard to describe. I used to roll my eyes when people just gushed about how much they loved their baby the first time they laid their eyes on them, but now I understand, but I don't have my baby with me...

I'm pathetically sad...and the thing is is that there is no end in sight...

Monday, November 3, 2008


I've been tagged by Brenna's mommy so here goes~ 7 strange facts about JenJen

1. I love to clean out my ears. I do it everyday and I can't get enough of it. It relaxes me...

2. I secretly know that if I were to get diabetes I would throw myself off a bridge because I can eat Snicker ice cream bars for meals. Snicker ice cream bars are probably the only things that I won't put ranch dressing on because they are that good!

3. I am a history nut, and I am positively obsessed with Henry VIII...His life, his 6 wives, his mistresses, and his kids...can't get enough...

4. I love scary movies, not gory like Saw, but good ghost movies. Like scary where you want to sleep with your bedroom light on.

5. I love tattoos and if I wasn't worried about what people thought so much (and I don't want God to be mad, either) I would have a body full of them...I have one that I got when I was 18 of a turtle on my stomach, which wasn't cute when I was pregnant.

6. The only time I use curse words is when I'm watching Georgia Bulldog football (Go Dawgs)...I drop the f-bomb left and right...my cat and husband are terrified of my mouth by the end of 4 quarters.

7. I met my husband doing online dating, which isn't so much taboo anymore, but people are amazed because my husband and I are perfect for each other.

Ok- now I tag Beth and Jessica...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Live each day by day

The first ultrasound we had in July told us that we were going to have a boy, and we were going to name him Cooper Henry. So, the planner that I am wrote in my datebook on December 3~ Cooper due date...I haven't paid much attention to the month of December yet (on purpose) but today I flipped to December and my heart fell out because I had forgotten that I had written that message on my calendar. We found out Lily was a girl 2 weeks later, and switched gears into girl mode, but didn't change the message on my calendar. Again, the planner that I am immediately started planning the pink and brown nursery~ 3 short weeks later our little Lily would be gone. So, what I'm learning is is that I need to stop planning my future so far in advance. All of the plans I've made for my child are over. I need to just live each day as it comes, because you have no control over the outcome of life.

My husband and I were talking about what if God took Lily because He thought that we weren't going to be good parents. I can't take stock in that theory because I know too many people who, excuse me, suck at being parents and have no business having children and don't take care of the ones that they have. So, this tendency of mine to try to tidy things up and try to control the outcome of ANYTHING needs to end.

I'll start that tomorrow....

Friday, October 31, 2008

Close to my heart...

My hubby got me a Tiffany's necklace for our wedding anniversary this year. Its the one that is silver with the heart pendant to match the bracelet that he had got me for Christmas one year. I hadn't been wearing it because it was too short and it was kinda choking me, so a couple of weeks ago we went to Tiffany's so that they could add some more links. While I was there I asked them to engrave Lily Angeline on the back of the heart pendant so that I could have something with her name on it to wear on a routine basis. It came back yesterday, and it looks really pretty. I even wore it with my witches costume that I wore today for Halloween! So, I know its a small gesture but I just want anyone and everyone to know that I think of her everyday and that she will never be forgotten by me or her daddy.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fun is not the same anymore...

My hubby and I went to see "Wicked" last Friday night, and for the first time since Lily died I actually had a break from the sadness. But my heart wasn't completely in the show, because still pounding in my brain is that Lily should have been with us. My sis and I went to see New Kids on the Block last night, and it was the same deal...I should have been 8 months pregnant at the show...I joked with my hubby (before Lily died) that I was going to bring a sign to the show that said I was having Jordan Knight's baby. For the record I wouldn't have actually done that...Well, maybe I would've....these events were planned months in advance and I was so excited about all that she would be hearing through my belly. NKOTB is no form of culture, but for instance we went to Les Miserables last month...so I thought how classy is my baby?

Everyday is the same thing...I want my baby back. I know it's not realistic and that she is gone. My heart aches every second of the day~even when there is a smile on my face.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The words I wish I didn't know...

The words I wish I didn't know include the following: Infertility, Placenta abruption, and Uterine Rupture. Pregnancy is supposed to such a natural and beautiful thing, but for me the entire process has been one filled with difficulty. When my husband and I got married we decided to use Depoprovera as our birth control option...boy, what a waste of time considering when I purposely tried to get pregnant it took almost a year and a half. I'm not a candidate for drugs like Clomid, or artifical insemination because of my one faulty tube. Getting pregnant with Lily was a miracle, because my specialist had counted me out. I have absouletly no risk factors for a placenta abruption, and my docs still can't tell me why it happened to me. All of my genetic tests came back good, except one but it still doesn't give a reason to the abruption. To feel like your body betrayed your child is a very heartwrenching feeling. My docs tell me that the chance of having a uterine rupture is like being struck with lighting. All of my research shows that the chance of a spontaneous rupture (like the one I had) is about 0.5% to 1%...All three of these words are things that I never thought would happen to me. I just assumed that I would get pregnant the moment that I decided to have a baby. This is very humbly for a woman who has acheived most all that she has set her mind to acheive.

I have always had a terrible habit of being a stress-scratcher. Anyone who knows me knows that I scratch my neck compulsively when my nerves are shot. I have become a compulsive scratcher the last fews weeks. My dermatologist asked me if I have been under any stress lately, and I know that I'm not handling things the "healthy" way. I tried to wean myself off my anti-depressant b/c I think its making me fat...but now I just cry on a dime.

I guess I miss the ignorance is bliss Jen...before trying to get pregnant and then succeeding just to lose my baby has changed ever fiber of my being. I'm so sad, and I want to scream and throw something!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

We have changed...

The following poem was written by my dear husband in memory of our Lily. She will always be remembered and loved as our first child. We as people have changed, we are fundamentally different people than who we are were after the loss of our daughter. We cry and handle each day as they come our way, and we feel sorrow for not being given more time with the child that we loved more than anything.

Lily my Life

One small piece of me I only knew for awhile
Is gone from this earth, though I never saw you smile
A little bit of me and a part of my wife
Formed beautifully for a moment, now forever in my life
There’s no changing now, my old life is gone
I won’t feel the same at the day’s early dawn
Neither a breath to be taken nor a beat of my heart
Can occur without thoughts of you at the start
How brief our time was is not important to me
I loved things about you my eyes could not see
You don’t need to be here on this earth near the ground
Inside of my soul is where your light can be found
It comforts me knowing you’re waiting for us
I know cause God said so, in his word I trust
I don’t want to rush life, there’s much beauty down here
But knowing you’re there has quieted my fear
When my time comes to go there, it will be in peace
My little girl waits with arms open for me
Until then just know you’re with me everyday
You fill every thought until I come your way
I’m glad I had time to hold you tight
I re-live that short moment in my dreams each night
Someday that dream, and that hug, will come true
I can’t wait to hear the words, “Daddy I really missed you”.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sometimes the road to motherhood is laid with...

scars. Chuck and I began our journey to becoming parents in November 2006. We both just assumed that pregnancy would just happen. Every month I would pee on a ovulation stick and wouldn't DTD unless a dark line appeared. Month after month passed, and month after month led to disappointment. I've never especially enjoyed my period, but I loathed my period when we were trying to conceive. So, after a year of unsucesful mating (just sounds funny!), and one exploratory lapratomy we decided to go to a reproductive specialist. We have the best reproductive specialist in probably the entire southeast. So, step one he says "your right fallopian tube needs to be removed" and literally two weeks later I was a woman with only one fallopian tube. Losing my fallopian tube was sad, because I now knew my chances to become a mommy on my own dropped by 50%. So, now my scar count is up to 5. They are small scars because they were lapratomy scars, but because the surgeries were done by two different doctors the scars look different. One doc did horizontal cuts, and the other did vertical. Thanks for that guys. I found out I was pregnant the very next month after the tube came out. Wow! That damn tube has been screwing me for months! We had been trying to get pregnant for 17 months. I've never been happier than when I was pregnant with my daughter. I threw up everyday for almost my entire pregnancy, but I didn't care because I just knew we were going to have our sweet baby. The biggest scars I have are the ones that ocurred on August 3, 2008. The day Lily died. I had to have a c-section, so I have a 7 inch permanent scar to remind me everyday of how my poor baby was pulled from my body. But you know what~that scar doesn't bother me as much as the emotional scar that I carry around every second of everyday. My heart is scarred knowing that I won't see my Lily until I die. My heart is scarred knowing that there is no ending to this pain. My heart is scarred knowing that even though I don't want ANYTHING to happen in anyone's pregnancy, I'm not as giddy as I once would have been when somebody I know has a baby.

The literal scars on my stomach remind me of the trials that I had to go through to get pregnant, and to meet my daughter. The figurative scars are the ones that cannot be covered with clothes, or hidden with make-up. I'm a childless mommy covered with scars that will never fade.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

real life experience

Some of you may know that I am a social worker~I love helping people, but my real passion has always been working with the elderly population. I can remember being like 6 years old and seeing elderly people at the grocery store and wanting to hug them. Some people look at babies and think all babies are cute, but I have always thought the elderly were adorable. I work in a nursing home, most people my age (30) would never enjoy the work that I do, but truly feel that I have followed my calling in life. But being only 30, and not having all the life experiences as my patients or their families, I have always wondered if my clients have thought that I was out of touch. I really feel that I can now use my experiences with losing Lily as a way to identify with my patients. First, I know now how helpless you feel when you are sick. I was so sick that first day after surgery that I had to have people move my body position every two hours. I had to have people do things for me that I would have been mortified if I had to do for someone else. I remember how lonely I felt when if my family had to go do things and I was at the hospital by myself. I shudder to recall how terrible the food at the hospital was. I think how trapped I felt with the ventilator in my body, and the IVs attached to 4 different areas in my body. I can now identify with how my patients may feel when they are no longer able to do things for themselves, and have to solely depend on staff around them. Second, I can now identify with the pain felt by the resident's families when they have lost someone they love. How much pain they are in when they are busy planning the funeral~picking out the coffin or urn, the music to be played, what they will wear to the service, and how they feel to pack up their loved ones belongings. Because, now I have done the same things for my daughter. When I hug my residents and their families now, it is with the sense of empathy that maybe I didn't possess prior to losing my daughter. Her life and death have profoundly changed who I am as a woman, and as a human being.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The first week back to work

So, I just completed my first week back to work after Lily's death, and I guess I'm no worse for the wear or tear. I'm beginning to believe that some people honestly just don't know what to say, and that there are so many cliches that people just don't realize are insensitive. For instance, I had someone tell me this week that I just needed to realize that God for whatever reason didn't think Lily was meant to be...Can someone even tell me why anyone would give those words of advice? Maybe He didn't mean for her to live on earth with me, but all life is created by God and therefore is meant to be. God doesn't make mistakes. I had a few try to comfort me with the good ole "You can have more kids" routine...Hello, why in the world would that make me feel any better? I also had to correct someone that I did not have a miscarriage, but that Lily was stillborn (I hate that word)...Losing a baby at any stage is hard, but I feel I have to fight to give Lily all the credit she deserves! I want her to be validated for every week that she lived inside me~One poor soul thought that I had been on maternity leave all this time, and when I told her that Lily passed away she was mortified. I have actually grown to enjoy hugs now, before I would keep everyone at arms length, but I find comfort in them now. But overall everyone was extremly happy to see me back and getting busy again has been good.

The nicest comment I had this week was from my friend, Patty, from work who told me that I can always celebrate mother's day because I am a mother now~nothing can change that fact now.

So, I know that as the weeks tick away, people will forget that I was ever pregnant, how terribly sick I was, and how tragic the loss of Lily was...but she will forever be the owner of my heart, the occupier of my thoughts, and the reason that I know there are more important things in life than the stuff on earth.

Friday, September 26, 2008


Last night I just kept having all these dreams of bumping into people who did not know that Lily had died so I had to keep repeating the story over and over again. I know this dream is related to the fact that I have to return to work on Monday after being on medical leave for the last 8 weeks. I have been in my little coccoon for the last 8 weeks, and maybe it wasn't the most logical plan to hole myself up but the real world is hard. I go get a mani & pedi but those people don't know me...My family and friends have been very supportive during this time, but being forced back into the real world again is mostly certainly going to put me in the path of someone who hasn't heard...and all the people who I haven't seen will want to hug and talk...On the other hand if no one asked me about my darling baby I would be mad, too. There is just no way to please a grieving mommy. Prayers are needed for strength.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Grief sucks...

I was on myspace last night and noticed that this girl I know had her baby on Monday, and his cute little photo was now her profile picture...I'm happy for her, never has the statement "mom and baby are doing good" ever been more reassuring to me. I imagine the relief she felt when her son was born and she heard his first cries. I imagine the pride she felt when her family and friends came to the hospital to see her son for the first time. I imagine the giddiness she felt as she put him in his going-home outfit. I imagine the anxiety she felt as she put him in his crib for his first night at home. I imagine the tiredness she felt the next morning because she didn't sleep a wink for just watching his chest go up and down. All of these emotions are easy for me to imagine because those were the "I can't wait" thoughts that I had every night when I went to bed after I found out that I was pregnant. I felt so defeated after looking at her baby's pic last night...defeated is not a word that I use very often to describe myself. Anyone who really knows me would say that I am delusionally optimistic. It took us 17 months to get pregnant with Lily, but never once did I let myself believe that it wouldn't happen for us EVENTUALLY. The pain I felt last night in the shower as I cried with noxema on my face and shaving my legs was guttural. I felt the pain in every fiber of my body. I went back to my thoughts of why couldn't I have just died with her that night also? YOUR SPIRIT CHANGES WHEN YOU HOLD THE BODY OF YOUR DEAD CHILD IN YOUR ARMS. I make my jokes and give my smiles when I have company over, but I want to yell and scream that this isn't fair!! Not only did I lose my child that night, but I also lost the ability to ever have another child grow in my body. I never even knew what the words placenta abruption and uterine rupture were until they cost me the life of my own child and left me footsteps away from death's door.

Will this grief and pain ever subside? Will I ever feel truly happy again, like skipping through a field of daisy happy? Will I ever forgive my body for what it has done to my life? or for the pain that it has caused my husband? Who has never made me feel bad for what happened, but as a mommy I feel like I let him and my precious daughter down.

Grief sucks...

An attempt at being funny...

This is in no way going to be some awe-inspiring post, so don't expect a real epiphany from me today. I was watching a Jiff peanut butter commercial today, and I just laughed out loud to myself and my constant companion, my furbaby, Delilah. The one where the kid says "we only have one slice left" so the mom is like "ok, well Jake gets to cut the bread in half" and jake is like "yeah!" but then the mom drops the bomb and says "but cody gets to choose which half" so cody, who originally gets screwed in the deal is like the big winner...I laugh b/c Jake is like ok with all of this. In the real world, all of the kids that I personally know, would have flown off the handle when they found out that they had been duped by their own mother. In the real world, Jake would have been kicking cody under the table, and then cody would have been reduced to tears and trying to hit Jake in the eye, and mom would be yelling "stop hitting your brother" and jake and cody would be chasing each other around the house with a bat and mom would try to break the kids up and put them in time-out and both the boys would be yelling "I hate you mom" and something along the lines of "you ruined my life!" Mom would be looking for her xanax and be calling nanny 911...

There may be some of these jiff families in the world, but I'm just saying that I don't know any kids, well, I know one set of really polite kids (good work, Neeta!) that would be as nice as this jake and cody. Also, is it realistic to think that the last piece of bread wouldn't have been that crappy end piece? Even peanut butter won't get me to eat that piece, I give that one to the birds...

All of this analysis on a jiff commercial brings me to the fact that I need to get back to work, and put all of this realistic world view and observation to good use. Look at all of the world's problems I could solve...watch out people I'm deadly!

Please, know that I laughed to myself (and to Delilah) the entire time I wrote this post...I cried I laughed so hard, and now I have to end this because if I don't I will wet my pants :D

I wish laughs and smiles to all!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

An understanding

Dear God,

You know the spectrum of emotions that have flooded my heart in the last 6 weeks. Of how I have ranted and raved and have tried to explain to You the error You made when You decided to bring my child home to You. Silly me in all my human emotions I forgot to take notice that she really is Your child, and that she was just on loan to me. You have seen me cry with self-pity, and have seen my jealousy at the perceived blessings of others. You have seen my anger at what I perceive as life's injustice. You have seen a woman with a broken heart that doesn't know if it could face another day. You have seen a woman that cries because she feels that noone can understand this all encompassing pain...but I failed to realize that You do understand what it feels like to loose Your child. You gave Your son in the most selfless act, and I know your heart was grieved. Your sacrifice gives me the promise of seeing OUR sweet Lily again. I know I don't need to apologize to You for my behavior because I know You understand, but I do ask for Your forgiveness. I also ask for You to continue to work through my life and to give me understanding in Your plan. I love You and I have missed You in trying to be mad at You and thank You for not giving up on me. You knew I wouldn't leave for long, and I knew You never left my side.

Your humble child and servant...

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I wanted nothing in life more than to have a daughter...first and foremost, I wanted to lead her to the Lord, in all ways to seek him first in all that she did in life. I wanted to teach her to be strong, intellectual, feminine, and self-sufficient. I wanted to teach her to not put up with any man's bs...to not fall for the stupid lines that boys will say to get their way (knowing full and well that she probably would because we all do in one way or another, thats part of life). I had this vision of someone like me, but better. Having a daughter, but not being able to be with her is extremely difficult. My husband and I went to have breakfast at our favorite spot this morning and there were all these adorable little girls, and in my mind I am hoping that these women are taking their jobs of raising these little girls into bright women as seriously has I had planned to do...Most are, I'm sure, and the other part of me is hurting so badly b/c I will never have Saturday morning breakfasts with my daughter, the most loved in my heart.

It's just difficult to have to forget all these plans that I made...I've become a different person since my daughter died, and I make no apologies for my new self. My true friends will continue to love me, and my family...well, they have no choice (they do, but I'm not a mean different).

Slowly, but surely...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wow, hard read

I just reviewed my medical records from the hospital for when Lily passed away. They're really hard to read, and although my husband has told me that I was really sick, I don't think I completely understood how close I came to dying that night and following day, also. Seeing the words "fetal demise" are heartbreaking...and sentences like "patient is critically ill" make my heart race all over again. I am thankful to be alive, and look at each day has a new opportunity to be a better, more loving, accepting, thankful human being. I was in the hospital from 8/2/08-8/7/08 and my records are a total of 457 pages...so it's alot to go through.

I think its good to get your medical records for your own personal files...and they are also helping me piece together those days that changed my life forever.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I stole this...

I stole this poem from one of my friends on the babycenter...too sweet not to share with as many people as possible, especially if you are a mommy to an angelbaby!

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from up here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistakeI thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored,and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Finally got the question...

So, today I went and had a mani and pedi just to get out of the house. I was seated to a very talkative, but very nice lady who was busy talking away about her kids. I was minding my own business trying not to convey any hate b/c she was in some breaths complaining about her kids, then she asks me "so, do you have any kids?"...Of course, she was just trying to strike up conversation and I didn't want that pity look, so I just answered "yes, but my daughter has passed away, so I don't have any living children." Still got that pity look, but that was the first time that I have been asked that question since Lily passed away...mainly b/c I'm still out on medical leave and don't get out of the house too often. I was surprised that I wasn't overly emotional and I have spent the whole day re-living that moment. Its just so hard, but I have to accept that there are going to be pregnant women and babies born healthy everyday and other mommies are going to ask me questions b/c I'm obviously of childbearing age...slowly but surely is my new mantra.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

1 month angelversary

I has (already!) been a month since our beautiful Lily became one of God's little angels. Slowly, the physical pain is waning and getting around is becoming easier. The emotional pain is another thing completely. One moment, I feel optimistic and believe that Lily wants me to move on...the next I feel as if I'm moving on too quickly, and worry that she is going "but mommy, what about me?"... I dream of her and in my dreams I'm crying and unable to move on, then I wake up and the rest of day is filled with missing my baby. I regret not holding her more in the hospital, and kick myself for not kissing her little face...I was just still so sick when they brought her to me. I know the days will tick away, but I know that I will carry the same thoughts through out the rest of my life.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Gracie's birthday party

I went to my neice's 7th b-day party yesterday, and even though there were babies there I had a good time! My brother and his wife have a set of twins (1 boy & 1 girl~how lucky can you get?) that will be a year old in October and it was so good to hold them, kiss them on the forehead and look at their new little teeth come in...there really is nothing better than babies! Yesterday was also the first time back to church for me since losing Lily...I've been praying daily and doing bible studies, but haven't been able to get this body moving well enough to get all dressed up for church. It was a nice service and I did leave there feeling a little more peace than when I walked in..I have had a relationship with God since I was 8 so surely He's not mad that I needed a small break from people....not just God's people all people. I'm feeling more grounded though, and like there is still life to be had for this ole girl :) Slowly but surely...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


I'm on a sick leave from work due to my emergency c-section and tenatively not scheduled to go back to work until the last week of September. I'm torn between getting sick of being at home, venturing out for little jaunts but find myself sore in the evening so, why bother? And just wanting to get the heck out of dodge...parts of me want to runaway to a distant location and not come back. To not have to worry about all of the sad looks that people will give and the questions I know they want to ask but feel awkward from the people who knew the pregnant me. My home is my refuge with the only source of attacks of "what could have been" is the television.

My heart used to be so happy, but now it just beats its way through each day...When I was pregnant I would go to bed every night thinking of the day that I would meet my baby, the cute outfit that she would wear home from the hospital, and the kisses that I would give her everyday. Now I close my eyes just knowing that I completed one more day that puts me closer to being back with my daughter.

I know that I still have what most people would call a "good life"...and I thank God everyday for the things that he continues to do in my life, and I'm searching for the meaning of this loss in my life. This just hurts so badly.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I miss her...

I'm having a hard time today...I miss being pregnant, tomorrow I would be 26 weeks. I start feeling a sense of panic because I'm starting to forget (already) how it felt to feel her move inside of me, to feel her kick unexpectedly. My sense of being starts to unravel as each week ticks away from the last time I felt her move and the planning for her arrival becomes a distant memory. Her clothes are still in the dresser drawers, and I can't bring myself to really go into what would have been her room. I'm mad because I will never give her a bath, and have that clean baby smell. I'm mad because we will never have a mommy and Lily day. I am mad because my husband is sad everyday, and I don't know if we will ever be the same people. We are still madly in love with each other, but I feel guilty that I can't give him the child that he desperately wants. He doesn't blame me for the loss of Lily, but I can't help blaming myself.

Lily~mommy misses you so much. I wish I could go back in time, and try to fix all that went wrong that night. I know you are happy, and it would be selfish to make you come back to me...but I don't feel whole without you.

Please, tell your kids you love them everyday and give them a hug whenever you can...you don't know how lucky you are.

Monday, August 25, 2008


So, I plan on going with my husband on a business trip because he doesn't want to leave me alone overnight. We had our daughter cremated and her urn is in our bedroom, and I don't know if this is strange or not but I like her close by and this way I can talk to her when I wake up and when I go to bed at night. I'm aware that her soul is in heaven, but I still like to talk to her whenever I can...

Here's my worry...what if our house catches on fire while we're away and she's all alone...so, I've instructed my husband to put her in our firesafe safe when we are not going to be home overnight. I've always slightly worried about leaving our home unattended, but now I feel this overwhelming fear that something could happen to her while we're away. If she's in the safe then even if something happens than she would be alright.

I feel jealous of the parents who never have to have this crazy worry...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The story of Lily Angeline Nolf

I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday, and I couldn't have been more surprised and pleased to plan the arrival of our much anticipated child. Especially since we had been told just 2 short weeks prior to the positive pregnancy test that we would not be able to conceive on our own. We felt so blessed, and our testimony to our God firmly grounded and shouted at the rooftops.

The first trial would be finding out if the baby had actually made it into my uterus. See, I had my right fallopian tube removed in February 2008, and my reproductive specialist had told me that my left fallopian tube had too much scar tissue to be of any use to getting pregnant, also. We went for our first ultrasound on April 17th and were elated to discover that the baby indeed was exactly where it was supposed to be...first hurdle crossed succesfully! We also found out that day that the egg had actually traveled from my right ovary (the one without a fallopian tube) to my left fallopian tube (the one that wasn't supposed to work) down to my uterus. Since I had succesfully had gotten pregnant I transferred to a new OB doctor, and the pregnancy progressed like any other low-risk pregnancy. I started having morning sickness around week 6 and it continued until about week 19, so that part wasn't fun but dealt with it with a smile knowing that my reward would be worth every minute. We went to a 3-d ultrasound place when I was 16 weeks 3 days pregnant and were told that we were having a boy. We began planning for our little Cooper, buying the cutest clothes that you could find for a boy and planning a turtle nursery. So, we were shocked to find out that our Cooper was actually a Lily on our 20 week ultrasound appointment. We returned what we could and proceeded to get ready for our princess (I being the queen and all..I'm laughing people).

On Saturday afternoon, August 2, I started to have some pains that really just felt like the worst gas pains ever, so I had my DH call the ob who instructed us to meet her at the hospital. Immediately, upon arriving at the hospital I was hooked to a fetal heart monitor and a contraction machine. I was happy to see her little heart beat was going strong at 146 and that I was having no contractions. Well, I just kept getting worse so they thought my appendix had ruptured and planned to do surgery that night. They came into get me and one of the nurse's wanted to check Lily's hb one last time before going into surgery, it was at that point that Lily's hb started to slow down. My blood pressure had also dropped to 70/40 and my hb was 150 so I was not doing so well myself. My DH watched our daughter on the u/s machine until her heart just stopped beating...my comfort is knowing her daddy's voice was the last thing she heard. She was 22 wks 3 days. No one really knew at this point what exactly had happened, but my ob planned for me to deliver her naturally and began to induce my labor. Well, nothing started to happen and I still was not doing too good. By this point I had received 4 pints of blood, my temp was 102, and I was drugged rather heavily for the pain. A specialist came in (really is an angel) who decided I needed an emergency c-section. Once they performed the surgery it was discovered that my placenta had abrupted and I had a uterine rupture. I was placed in a medically induced coma and woke up on Monday on a ventilator. I was in ICU for 3 days and was basically told that I could've died if I had been anywhere than at the hospital when my uterus ruptured. Physically, I am in so much pain and emotionally parts of me wish that I could be with Lily. I had the chance to hold her and tell her that I love her when I woke up from surgery. She is beautiful. I will forever love her and miss her. I was released from the hospital 5 days after the ordeal began, and basically my DH is doing everything for me. We had our daughter cremated and had a beautiful memorial service for her. Her urn is in our room, and one day when I am called home I will reunite with her. Her ashes will be put with my ashes upon my death, also. It hurts so bad b/c its amazing how quickly life can change...in the blink of an eye.

Everyday is painful without her, but I have hope in knowing that I will spend eternity with her in heaven. I know that she is in heaven with Jesus, and I mean is there any better company?

Lily precious Lily~ mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never forget you!