Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I miss her...

I'm having a hard time today...I miss being pregnant, tomorrow I would be 26 weeks. I start feeling a sense of panic because I'm starting to forget (already) how it felt to feel her move inside of me, to feel her kick unexpectedly. My sense of being starts to unravel as each week ticks away from the last time I felt her move and the planning for her arrival becomes a distant memory. Her clothes are still in the dresser drawers, and I can't bring myself to really go into what would have been her room. I'm mad because I will never give her a bath, and have that clean baby smell. I'm mad because we will never have a mommy and Lily day. I am mad because my husband is sad everyday, and I don't know if we will ever be the same people. We are still madly in love with each other, but I feel guilty that I can't give him the child that he desperately wants. He doesn't blame me for the loss of Lily, but I can't help blaming myself.

Lily~mommy misses you so much. I wish I could go back in time, and try to fix all that went wrong that night. I know you are happy, and it would be selfish to make you come back to me...but I don't feel whole without you.

Please, tell your kids you love them everyday and give them a hug whenever you can...you don't know how lucky you are.

No comments: