Saturday, March 26, 2011

33 and 3

Today, I'm 33 which I'm not thrilled about but getting older means that you're still alive! Today, also marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Lily. My day is full of 3's today so I think I'm going to buy a lotto ticket...

So, this morning I woke up to go to the restroom at 3:33...isn't that crazy! Maybe a strange coincidence but my heart tells me that Lily was telling me Happy Birthday :) She knew how much I miss her everyday but how I'm missing her just a little extra day.

I love you, Lily. Here's to both of us on a special day!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Lily's lilies!

Most of you know the story about how we came up with Lily's name. I thought it would be fun to photograph her lilies coming up this year! We get so excited as soon as we seen the little sprouts pop up out of the pinestraw!
All of these lilies came from our 2007 Easter Lily! I can't wait to see them in full bloom!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Time traveling

My hubby and I watched The Time Traveler's Wife last night and we both were kinda sad after watching the movie. First, the little girl in the movie was kinda how we picture Lily being as a little girl. Secondly, I started thinking about how I wish I could go back in time to the day that I held Lily BUT do I really, really mean that...

Yeah, I would love to go back to that day and really study every little piece of her. I'll always be mad at myself for not looking at her ears.

But, you have to take the good with the bad if I went back to that time. I found it hard to breathe in those early days, weeks and months after losing Lily. I would crawl into a ball and just wail until I had to gasp for air. I hated being in public and I truly hated pregnant women and poor innocent babies. I wasn't me.

It's gotten easier to live as the years without her have gone by but my world still isn't the same. I still cry but normally it's very brief. I still long for the daughter that I lost but the longing doesn't make me immobile anymore.

So, I wish I could go back for just a few hours but no more so that I could do all the things with her that I regret not doing but I don't want to have to re-live all of those dark moments again. I guess you can't have it both ways, now can you?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

She's a part of my story..

I have to admit that recently I have begun answering the dreaded question of "is Cooper your only child" with the answer "yes" because quite honestly the answer "no" was becoming more painful. That sounds odd but the answer "yes" is simple. I don't have to tell her story and *feel* the weight of my heart.

I met a blm unexpectedly the other night while helping with a consignment sale. She's a new mom to our group and is very pregnant with her second boy. We were talking about pregnancy and such and told me that she lost a baby at 6 weeks before having her first son. She gave this information without even knowing about Lily and she said it so pointedly but with love. We then had a long conversation about Lily and I explained why I didn't just come out and tell her about Lily when she first asked me about how many kids that I have.

In the beginning, I was very "out there" with my loss. I was very defiant to anyone that minimized her life AND I still am. Although, over the months that defiance has become more subdued. I began to sympathize with the fact that for most people the subject of a dead baby is very hard. It used to infuriate me when people remarked about pictures of dead babies but to be honest, most people have never seen a picture of a dead baby. Heck, I'd never seen a dead baby before meeting my own.

But, this new friend said to me that I should still tell people about Lily because she is a part of my story. Lily's story changed my life forever...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I've often wondered...

how it feels to be one of the medical professionals that deal with miscarriages, stillbirths and infant deaths. I can't imagine having to watch people be in that situation and not being able to do anything to change the outcomes. I found the following link with a midwife describing how it feels to be there for a stillborn baby's birth. It's a very quick video and not graphic (for those outside the babyloss community) for those that want to give a quick look!

I met someone today and our conversations looped around to our pregnancies and childbirthing experiences. Actually, our conversation started about adopting children out of the foster care system and I had mentioned to her that we couldn't have anymore kids so were looking at adoption. So, the inevitable question of "why can't you have anymore kids?" came up and it never bothers me to answer it. BUT, I have to start with Lily's death to answer that question. I always brace myself for that look but she gave me a look of understanding. As it would turn out, her bestfriend gave birth to a stillborn baby in November 2008 at a week after her due date. Actually, the docs told her bestfriend that the baby actually died about 4 pushes from being outside her body. Could you imagine? I found her next response quite profound considering this new friend is not a babyloss momma but she commented on the fact about how quiet the whole topic of stillbirth is...and it is! She replied about how common stillbirth is but that no one really talks about it...

How true, therefore this blog...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My 301st post...

is to do a huge edit on my previous post! Most of you remember that I don't have a womb anymore but sometimes I still forget! It's strange but really sometimes I still feel phantom kicks and I have to remind myself that the ole chamber of death, i.e. my uterus, my womb isn't there anymore...

So, let's just say that my body obviously hasn't forgotten Lily's sweet life!

My 300th post!

I'm an avid reader and really, there isn't any point where the question "what are you reading right now" would ever result in the answer "nothing". One of my favorite authors is Diana Gabaldon who is best known for her Outlander series. I came onto the Outlander series a little late in the game but have been totally obsessed since the first book. I seriously tried adding the names Jamie and Claire onto the baby names list both times that we were pregnant but my hubby wasn't buying into them (although, to be fair we do have a niece named Claire and one of my hubby's best buds is named Jamie so those names do kinda hit close to home!). A really quick summary of the series is that Claire was from the 20th century and she gets transported back in time to 18th century Scotland. She falls in love with a Scottish Highlander warrior and they survive adventure after adventure...So, really you get a historical novel, sci-fi, romance and mystery all wrapped in together in this series. Seriously, people, it doesn't get much better than this!

So, in the second book, Claire gives birth to a stillborn daughter named Faith and I'm no idiot, I know that this (even though Claire isn't a real person) fact gives me an emotional connection to her and these books. She does go on to have another daughter with Jamie but she always loves and misses Faith. I was reading this morning and she gives a line in the book that perfectly summarizes the emotions of losing a baby in utero:

"And yet I knew Faith to the last atom of her being; there was a hole in my heart that fit her shape exactly."

Now, she's recalling this love of her daughter, Faith, 20+ years after her death. My Lily ticker to the left tells me that Lily has been gone for 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days. I'm sure most of my friends (even though they would never dare admit it because they're sweeties) are kinda tired of hearing about Lily. I've gone past that acceptable timetable of grief for a person that I was never graced to really live my life with...

But, my heart still knows everything about those 23 weeks together. My heart still knows about all the dreams and plans that I had for our lives together. My heart mourns for the experiences that we'll never share. How do you ever let go of the love for a human being that lived inside of your body? Your heart, your womb...they never forget.

There will always be a hole in my heart. No amount of time or other children will ever heal that hole. I live and I love today without issue but that hole will always be open...