Saturday, December 26, 2009


I know Christmas was a beautiful day in Heaven...I thought about Lily several times yesterday but not with sadness. I thought of her with love and pride. I know she is perfect and will never feel pain or rejection. She is in a good place...
So, I lit her candle and I bought her flowers...and, thanked her for choosing me to be her mommy even if I didn't get to have her for very long. I'm honored to be able to carry the title of Lily's mommy's not just my blog's name it's the badge that I wear with pride.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My second Christmas without her...

and I miss her just as much as her first Christmas. This year though I do it with less tears because after awhile you (actually!) do cry less but the ache still pangs your heart.

What makes this Christmas different is that we do have a baby in the house this Christmas. We've been sent 5 baby's first Christmas ornaments and they all look beautiful on the tree. He has 3 different baby's first Christmas sleepers which I have to put on him for the next 3 nights. I spent hours finding just the right stocking to hang in between my stocking and my hubby's stocking. He's only 7 weeks old but he has presents underneath the tree. Doing all of this for Cooper reminds me of what I'll never do with Lily.

I will always go out of my way to not show the pain in my eyes as I celebrate Christmas with my son but in my heart the day will never have the same luster without Lily here to celebrate with us.

I can only imagine what a beautiful day it will be on Christmas day in Heaven. What a delight all our babies will have as they attend the birthday party of all birthday parties! Knowing what a glorious day she will have celebrating with our Saviour makes me anxious to get up there myself!


We miss you not just during this time of year but everyday of the year. We love you without ceasing and you live forever in our hearts. Can you please give Jesus a big happy birthday hug from Mommy, Daddy, and Cooper? We know He is taking good care of you until Mommy can be with you again...

My heart forever,

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Will it always be this way?

Will December 3rd always be a day that stabs me in the heart when the alarm clock goes off? When will I be able to look at December 3rd as just any other day?

December 3, 2008 was Lily's due date...why should December 3, 2009 hurt so bad?

I should have a baby girl turning one but instead I still mourn for all the dreams that will never come true. I know my heart should be light because I have been blessed beyond words for the life of her little brother, my son...but, I continue to miss her deeply everyday.

Everything about Cooper reminds me of what I will never know about Lily. Her hair color, eye color, and temperate will always be a mystery to me. My dying question and when I meet God will be "why couldn't you have given me both of them?" Especially when you consider all the stories that you see on Gr.ace of people that kill their children and on a lighter degree of people that I know in real life that don't take care of their kids worth a crap. Why me? Why my baby?

December 3, 2009 I will get ready and drive to the hospital to love on and hold my rainbow baby and wish that Lily's death had never occured and we had never weathered that storm at all. I will hold him and tell him how much I love him and wish that those are words that Lily could have heard in my arms.

Please, don't take this post as if I am ungrateful for my son's life. Please, read these words as a mommy that just misses her daughter.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Lily's gift to her little brother...

Do you guys remember the onesie that I bought as a gift from Lily to her little brother? I gave it to him today...I was going to do it on December 3rd because that was her 2008 due date but decided to go ahead and give it to him today. (Mostly because he's growing like a weed and I was worried that he would outgrow it soon!)

I just wanted to share some pics from today with all of you...

I was skeptical that I would actually have a baby to put this on when I bought this onesie...but, I should have known with a certain little angel on our side that he would arrive safe and sound...
Thank you, baby girl and your little brother loves your gift...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'll love you forever

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be...

Many of you know this verse from the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I read this book to Cooper nearly everyday at the NICU. A lump formed in my throat as I completed this book (yet again!) yesterday to my sweet baby son because it occured to me (however late) that this book applies to both of my children.

Lily won't ever keep me up at night or destroy my cell phone by dropping it in a glass of coke (hehehe, Aimee) but I will love everything about her forever. She did however make mommy pee every 20 minutes but I liked every trip to the bathroom because she was here.

Needless to say, she will always be MY baby. She will always be my first miracle. When I tell her story I will always be able to say "my RE told me that I'll never get pregnant on my own and I was already pregnant when he was speaking those words!"

Becoming a mommy again and being able to spend time with my son has taught me truly how magnificent a mother's love's different from the love that you share with your spouse, your family or friends...You still have to manuever through those relationships dependent on your views on life or pasttimes...BUT, a mommy's love is instantaneous...there are no conditions to what you will do for your children...

And, this instantaneous love happened when I met both of my continues after Lily's death and doesn't stop...being with Cooper only makes my love for her grow even more...

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm not over her...

I think it goes without saying (unless you've experienced a loss) that people assume that a new baby fixing everything. That a new baby makes you forget the one that you've lost but that isn't the case.

I spent the whole day at the hospital with Cooper but came home and held onto Lily bear and cried. I feel blessed beyond belief to be Cooper's mommy but my heart aches that I never heard her cry, saw her face change expressions, or felt her wiggle as she slept on my chest.

I don't think I'll ever be at a point in life where I'll be at peace that Lily isn't here. I'll never be at a place where I don't tell people that Cooper is my second child. Cooper is my pride and joy but Lily holds a very dear place in my heart that can never be removed.

I love her. I still miss her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her without love and yearning.

She's my firstborn and my beloved daughter. And, you never get over that...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

He's Here!!!!

Hello all! This is not Jen, it is her DH as you all like to call us. I am Jen's husband Chuck.

What a surprise....Cooper Henry was born today at 11:01 AM at 31 weeks and 1 day!!!!!!

He weighed 4 lbs even. 16 1/2 in long. He was breathing on his own at delivery with an APGAR score (I Think that's how it is spelled) of an 8 at birth and a 9 after 10 min.

Jen woke up to small regular contractions today and back pain. The Dr's didn't want to let them continue due to the rupture, so they let us know today would be the day. This is the best hospital ever!!
They had her downstairs and ready for delivery in 10 minutes. I was at home doing laundry at the time and getting ready to bring lunch to my honey. We live 20 minutes away, but I made it here in 8 min.

Right now Jen is resting and in some pretty significant pain. They had to do a classical scar instead of the traditional cesarean incision. This will be a more difficult recovery, but all she cares about is that he is doing good and his Doctor's are very positive about Cooper's progress. They estimated that he may require the NICU for 3-4 weeks.

I/She will keep you all posted on his progress in the next few days.

This may be my only chance to address you all, so I have to say thank you for all of the sharing, stories and support you gave to my honey in the last year and two months. You all have been a real blessing to us all the way from Lily to Cooper.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I miss you, Lily

Dear Lily,

I miss you so much more these days. I think of all the things that I've missed doing with you and my eyes water and my throat clenches when I think of having to live the rest of my life without you.

We had a babyshower for your little brother yesterday. My heart was so conflicted as I tried to put on a brave face for all the guests and how I wish we were able to do all of this for you, too. Your Aunt Aimee made a speech for you at Cooper's babyshower. I was crying because she called you Cooper's guardian angel and about how you were with us at the shower, too. She made a beautiful sign for you and even gave us a beautiful frame with an angel and a baby on it. Everyone in the family wishes that you were here to celebrate with us.

I think about you being here and how I would have two babies in diapers! You would only be a year older than you're brother. I think you would've been a great big sister! Of course, you and Cooper would have days where you would drive each other and mommy crazy, BUT all those days would be worth it if you could be here, too. Daddy miss you a lot, too. We talk at least once a day about how wonderful it would be if you were here because they house would be evenly divided! Right now, mommy is outnumbered!

Please, know that we aren't moving on without you. Life is that way but you are never far away from our hearts and minds. We know you're watching down on us and especially you're little brother. There isn't one of his kicks that doesn't remind me of how precious you are and of how precious life is...

I'll love you eternally,

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sorry, I suck!

I've been nominated for a few awards from some very sweet ladies and I'm FINALLY going to get this up and moving. I suck for not doing this before because what the heck else do I have going on...napping, reading, watching mindless television, but alas here I am! I'm going to go in the order that I received them...

I received this award from Lea and Bree ! Thanks, girls! You know I love you both, too!

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself. So, I pass this award on to: Just click on the name to check out the blogs that I enjoy reading...








1. I have an unhealthy obsession with cleaning my ears with q-tips. It almost puts me to sleep!

2. I love beer. I love beer tastings. I don't drink beer to get drunk but I love nothing better on a Friday night than a big slice of pizza with a Killians...Will have to figure out how to have a beer and breastfeed :)

3. I'm a social worker in real life. I was the only social worker in the program at UGA that begged to be placed in a nursing home. I love the elderly and actually miss my patients at my last place of employment more than I miss my co-workers. (with the exception of my fabulous Nivedita)

4. I snore. I mean I snore like a elderly man. If my poor hubby wants sleep than he has to beat me to the bed. I'm sure the last 6 weeks have given him some good zzzzz's.

5. I met my hubby on the internet. We talked for a month, met on October 10, 2005, got engaged on December 14, 2005 and were married on March 4, 2006...the best decision I ever made and haven't regretted the whirlwindness of our courtship for one second. He's my life and my best friend.

6. I have a tattoo of a turtle on my stomach. Right now, its not so cute...but, you're not thinking of being fat and pregnant when you're 18. What started out as a cute little turtle is morphing into a galapagos...

7. I love Jeopardy even though I feel dumb at the completion of each show. I'm convinced that intelligence is really just the ability to recall information that you've read or seen, so I believe that I will be a super genius if I just watch enough Jeopardy...

8. I love to travel and I wish I were the type of traveler that could backpack it, sleep in hostels, and live off of peanut butter crackers. Instead I'm the type of traveler that has to have an outfit for everyday, stay in at least a 4 star hotel, and love living of the local cuisine. My hubby works at Delta so at least the airfare is covered :)

9. Always said that I rather throw myself off a cliff than be a diabetic. I am a meat and potatoes girl and I HATE vegetables. All of them. In my mind they are evil. So, watch the words that you throw out into the universe! I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes for 2 weeks and they've been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

10. I'm sure that my cat understands english and that she is reincarnated by someone really cool. I'm a Christian so I don't really believe in reincarnation but she is just too cool to be just a cat. She is by far the smartest cat on the planet and I'm sure its because of all the Jeopardy that she has watched with her mommy :)

** I promise to do more awards but mommy needs to get her bedrest butt back in the bed**

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I was trying to take the high road

Some of you will remember a post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a certain nurse that hurt my feelings with some comments that she made about only feeling bad for women who lose babies at full-term. After cooling down and a lot of "Lord, help me" prayers, I decided to just let the matter drop. I felt some guilt about what if she says those comments to other women but at that point I had like 6 more weeks here and just didn't want to rock the boat. I decided that I would let them know about her when I leave here. I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have her as my nurse again...

Guess who walks into my room as my nurse today? You guessed it...

I said a silent prayer in my mind to give me unconditional love for this clueless lady. She introduced herself to me (I'm thinking, no I remember you...) and began her conversations with benign subjects, i.e. weather and how I've decorated the room for Halloween. She starts to ask me how I'm feeling and I give her all the standard answers (no cramping, no leaking, no bleeding, and yes the baby is moving). She then asks me what kind of placenta accreta that I have and I respond with placenta increta and she says to me "oh, thats not too bad." Come again? So, I respond back to her "I'm have to have my uterus taken out, how is that not bad?" Again, just like last time she tries to buffer her blow with "oh, I just mean that they won't have to scrap the placenta off the bladder and stuff."

Now, first off, they don't know if my placenta increta and hasn't turned into placenta percredia and won't know that until they open me up. Second, I'm only 31 and I've having a hysterectomy. I sit here with this much loved baby boy and cherish every kick and roll because I know that I will NEVER feel this again. I've had the true blessing of being pregnant twice and have loved every moment of both pregnancies. My first baby died and I spend countless hours worrying that this one will,too. This is my LAST chance at having a healthy and living child come from my body. Through all of this, I'm just grateful beyond belief because some women don't have one baby come from their body. I often think of these women when I feel bad for myself...

I've had enough with this woman and did have her supervisor to come to speak to me. I shared both instances with her and the charge nurse apologized profusely and was throughly embarassed that one of her nurses would use such insensitive comments with a patient ESPECIALLY on this hall. I expressed to her that if my doctors think that I need a psychiatrist than they can send me one because I don't need this nurse's perspective on how I feel about my circumstances. I'm rather intune with how I feel about my circumstances but I don't need some hard-ass nurse trying to belittle my feelings. I'm off of this nurse's assignment and will never have her as my nurse again. I really don't want an apology from this woman and really just don't want to ever see her again in life.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today we remember our babies~

I felt so alone when I started this journey of being a dead baby mama but then I met a group of women on baby center on the second and third trimester loss group. I remember how "relieved," for a lack of a better word, to know that I wasn't alone on this journey. There is a group of you that I've been traveling this road with from the very beginning; Beth, Tamara, Hollie, Holly P., Holly (so many Holly's!), and Jessica. These are just the woman that are immediately brought to mind. And, I've been overwhelmed with the number of other dbms that I've met over the course of the last 14 months! Sadly, the titles on my blog list of baby loss blogs continues to grow. You can literally spend an entire day bouncing from one baby loss blog to another and the heartache of loss is universal. It doesn't matter how long ago that the baby died, religious differences, or what part of the world that you live in. A mommy's pain of losing a baby is something that you don't move on from and you feel a bond instantly with another dbm. I've hugged strangers when they've told me about their loss once they have found out about mine. There are no boundaries when it comes to shared grief.

I still belong to the second and third trimester loss group and check the board every other day to offer condolences to the new mommies. I remember how sad it was to leave my birth board to join a loss board. Those feelings overwhelm me as I type...I found so much love and support from the loss board and continued feeling the support through the ladies from that board who also started blogs and from all the other friends that I've made along the way. I've watched some of these woman go onto to have their rainbow babies, some are pregnant now, and some are still trying to have another baby. I feel so much pride when I see pics of their new babies and rejoice with them when they get their positive pregnancy tests and am disappointed with them when another month goes by with bad news.

Its a surreal feeling that my baby girl has been gone for 14 months and some days the tears fall as hard and as painful as they did the first day. I think of her everyday. As I listen to her brother's heartbeat three times a heart and mind goes back to the night that her heart stopped. As I feel her brother heart and mind goes back to the last time that I felt her move...She owns my heart but I know that she doesn't mind that I'm sharing my heart with her brother and I know that she looks over him everyday.

I light a candle tonight for my daughter and for all of her friends that play with her in heaven.

**I'm going outside by the hospital's fountain to light our candle because I'm pretty sure that's a no-no inside**

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A loss is a loss

My nurse for the day came in this morning to do the standard vital signs, blah, blah, blahs and noticed a picture of Chuck, Lily and me together that I have on my bookshelf in the room. *A post about this awesome picture is to follow after I can load a picture on here to show all of you* She asked me when we lost Lily and I told her 23 weeks and replies back to me (and I quote) "I know it doesn't feel like it to you but that is still very early on in pregnancy." This instantly sent me into defensive mode and I replied back to her "I don't think it matters at what stage in pregnancy that you lose a baby does it? It hurts all the same." Homegirl seeing that she had hit a nerve replies back "OH, I don't mind to diminish your pain, its just that I feel so badly for the women who lose their baby at full-term." By this point, I am just floored that she is that insensitive (especially at 7 o'clock in the morning) that I'm moved to speechlessness...which rarely happens in my world!

I have seen on various blogs the debate about whose pain is greater, stillborn vs. miscarriage is a good example. I've always stayed away from this debate because I always knew how painful it would be to have someone compare my loss at 23 weeks to losing a baby at full-term. Today, I found out how badly those comparsions can feel...and it sucked! I have "met" some very lovely mommies whose babies didn't make it to that "magical" 20 week mark to classify their baby as a a stillborn. If that loss occurs at 18 weeks does that make her angel any less important? NO. Granted a women that carries her baby to full-term and death occurs shortly before birth does have weeks more of daydreams BUT her love and her feelings of loss are not more important than mine because I lost my baby at a *meager* 23 weeks.

I'm going to ride out this day with civility with this woman but will request that I don't have her anymore after today. She hurt my feelings when I have enough going on in my life! A comment will be made about her insensitivity (and ticking time bomb lady!) upon my discharge. I think about that heifer making a comment like that to a mommy in here that is 23 weeks pregnant and is praying to keep her babies inside of her until 24 weeks just because the medical community only saves babies that make it to this (AGAIN) "magical" week mark and it enrages me. Isn't one life just as valuable as another?

Let me some of you for giving me comments on "viability stage" because I'm well aware of why the medical community has that guideline. It doesn't make a mommy or daddy feel any better though~ my hubby watched his daughter's last heartbeat on the ultrasound machine because she was a week shy of the viability stage and I can promise you that logic doesn't change his grief, either.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Lily's favorite song~

I would play this song every morning on my way to work when I was pregnant with Lily. She would dance and move the most during this song. I dedicated this song to her at her memorial service and with tears in my eyes knew that she was living in perfection with the Lord.

I wanted to share this song with all of you today and I started crying as soon as the video started playing~ I have to be honest when I say that I have been avoiding this song since Lily's death. I especially broken down when Darlene is speaking before the video because she was directing the message at someone who had lost a daughter...

*Please, reminder to turn off the player before you play the video*

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm sure many of you in the babyloss community are familiar with Robyn Bear. Robyn was fundamental in getting October 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I received this video via the monthly newsletter and wanted to share this with all of you. This video was made by a fellow dbm to educate others on how losing a baby affects every aspect of your life. Please take a moment to watch this video but be prepared to cry so have some kleenex close at hand.

Another reason to love October is that this is the only month that the issues surronding the babyloss community are openly talked about and we can remember our babies without feeling like we need to be "over them already..."

Hugs and love to all my fellow dbms...

Monday, September 28, 2009

October is almost here!

Sweet Bree did this for me...I love Halloween as you can tell from my backgrounds on both of my blogs! I love everything really about the entire month of October~ the cool weather sweeping in, the gearing up of football season, the leaves changing colors, all the fall festivals, all the cool Oktoberfest beers coming out and all the Halloween fun!

Every holiday that's followed August 3, 2008 has sucked to be honest. Your mind instantly drifts to how every holiday is going to rock when you find out that you're pregnant. I forced myself last year to pass out candy and we didn't attend any Halloween parties. I didn't watch any Georgia football games even the GA/Fla game (if you know me IRL then you know how psycho I get about that game). My heart just wasn't into any festivities.

My heart is healing some and I'm getting back into the old me. This year I'm in the hospital but we plan on spooking up my room this weekend. I'll pass out candy to the hospital staff as a thank you for all their excellent care. Although, my mother has a premonition that Cooper will be born on October 30th...

I'm still not watching the GA games though. I get really violent during football season. I never curse except during football games...its like Satan takes over my body and I need an exorcism. I figured all the stress isn't good for me or blood pressure shoots through the roof. Don't ask me why this comes over just does!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

T.L.C. sucks

The channel that many shows remind me of what I will never have with Lily. Here is a list of the most abusive shows to a grieving mommy~

A birth story~ I worry everytime a baby girl is born that her name will be Lily. I cringe when I see the pink outfit that they put on her to bring her home and when they show the girlie nursery.

Toddlers and Tiaras~ not because I was going to put her in beauty pageants, but because I will never take my daughter to buy dresses or get mani/pedis. I will never teach her how to put on make-up or watch her dance or sing.

Say yes to the dress or any other wedding show~ I will never celebrate with her as she finds the man of her dreams or help her find the perfect dress. I won't have the *pleasure* of spending over $20,000 the give her the best day of her life. I will never see the love of my life walk his princess down the aisle or have his father/daughter dance.

No matter where I look there are reminders of all the things that I won't have a chance to do with my Lily. For whatever reason all my emotional pain falls on this channel but I can't take my eyes of it none-the-less.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

She still takes my breath away...

I was sitting here alone and opened up Lily's photo album and tears sprung to my eyes and pride filled my soul to overfilling. I just looked at her tiny, perfect body and felt such an overflowing love for her. I spent time looking at how her little fingers were curved, how her feet were crossed at her ankles, and the little bit of earlobe that stuck out from underneath her cap. I have tears in my eyes now as I wonder how much Cooper will look like his big sister.

I had someone unintentionally hurt my feelings about a month ago by the comment that I will never know true love until the place Cooper in my arms. Obviously, this person wasn't thinking and I politely told her that I already learned about true love on the day that I met Lily. Absence of her heartbeat did not change mine...every beat of mine continues to love her.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

You can't help but think back~

Being in the hospital does take me back to the last time that I was a patient in the hospital. The last time that I was in the hospital I was mourning the death of my daughter and this time I lay in the bed trying to prevent an emergency and loss of another baby. I do get asked by every nurse that comes on duty about what happened in my previous pregnancy (hopefully, the nurses will become more regular and I don't have to repeat the worst day of my life a million times.) I know the nurse's on this hall see a lot of sad things, but they have such a nature sense of empathy that sharing the story of my pregnancy with Lily has been cathartic.

I brought my photo album of Lily with me to the hospital. I almost brought Lily bear but decided against it because I would just fall to pieces if something happened to her. We talk about Lily when we're in this room. She's always missed even as we plan for her brother. Life is surreal right now...that its difficult to find all the right words to explain how I feel day to day. You don't want to let go of the past as you plan for the future~

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Update #2 on JJ

Erica sent me an email regarding everything going on with little JJ and is okay with me continuing putting updates here so that all of you also know whats going on. Erica did have a c-section with JJ and while the doctors were pulling him out they broke BOTH of his legs. Poor little guy as if he didn't have enough going on! He is unable to move his legs (he was unable to on u/s, too), but does cry out when his legs are touched. They did put the shunt in yesterday and everything is looking good so far there. They are putting a feeding tube in his tummy today so that he can get all the nourishment that he needs. Doctors still don't know why all of this is going on with JJ which I'm sure is frustrating for Erica and Stever. Erica did tell me that she is a celebrity at the hospital because they had to do the craziest c-section to get JJ into the world. They had to come up with a never used stitch to close up her uterus!

Continue to lift this family up in your prayers as they have a really long road ahead of them. We believe in you, JJ, you can do it! And, we love you Erica, stay strong!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Update on JJ

JJ Orner was born today at 10:15 AM weighing 6 lb. 10 oz and was born with the conditions that the doctors diagnosed during Erica's pregnancy. Erica continues to be her loving self giving me well-wishes for going to the hospital tomorrow which is incredible to me considering all that she has going on! I will continue to update as Erica sends me texts...

A fellow DBM needs our thoughts and prayers!

Okay ladies, we have to get our prayers going today for Erica and baby JJ! I received a text this morning from Erica and got her permission to update all of you on how she and JJ are doing currently. Erica was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday for Pre-E and this morning it appears that her water has broken. Erica is 35 weeks pregnant with JJ and many of you will know that JJ's condition has been stumping doctors for months now. Erica and JJ need our prayers, thoughts, and loving vibes today. I'm sure this is a scary day for this family. I've been prayerful that JJ comes out into this world and just shocks all those doctors that around every turn were trying to convince Erica and Steve to terminate the pregnancy.

Please, pray for Erica's safety during the c-section and for the health and safe delivery of little JJ. I will update as I get word from Erica~

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Thank you!

Thank you to all my 22 week well-wishers and I'm thrilled to say that I woke up this morning to a little baby boy kicking my insides on week 23!!!!!! We still have a long road ahead but I tell you that psychologically I am PUMPED UP! Thank you, Lily for watching over your little brother!!!

We had a great appointment yesterday at the peri so please travel over to Cooper's blog to read an update on my baby boy and the fabulous condition of my untrustworthy uterus!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Just wait...

Unwanted advice is always to come whenever you're expecting a baby and it really didn't get on my nerves when I was pregnant with Lily. It was my first time being pregnant and any tidbit of information was a nugget that I tried to hold in my mind (and, you know how your mind is when you're pregnant!) But, this time around the advice is getting old. What's really pissing me off is people telling me to enjoy bedrest because my life is completely going to change when Cooper arrives. UH, really?

My life was supposed to completely change 9 months ago, but my life changed in an completely opposite direction. I would have loved to stay up all night with a cranky baby. Instead, I cried myself to sleep every night holding onto a teddy bear that the hospital gives parents when their baby dies. I would love to be able to chase around my baby girl thats learning how to crawl. I would love to change her diapers. I am thankful beyond words to have the hope that all these milestones will come into my life when Cooper is born, but for people to act as if I'm not aware of all the changes in my life really gets me. I prayed and cried when those milestones where taken from my life when Lily died...You've never seen a mommy more ready to change diapers, to wipe tears, or lose sleep, than me...or any other dbm thats on the journey to a rainbow baby.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

22 weeks

Its unrealistic to not ever have something from my pregnancy to leak onto Lily's blog. I will continue to use Cooper's blog to journal my doctor's appointments and any news related to our upcoming addition to our family. This is Lily's blog and it will continue to be, but this week is different.

I am 22 weeks pregnant...and, I never completed this week with Lily. My emotions have been at an all time high this week. I always round up to 23 weeks when I talk about Lily dying for simplicity sake, but if I make it to next Saturday than I will be the most pregnant that I have ever been~ I remember the day we lost Lily like it happened yesterday. There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently that day. Would another doctor or hospital made the difference? Why didn't I spend more time with her? They brought her to me in a beautiful little dress and I often wonder why I didn't undress her so that I could see every beautiful detail that God created in her little body.

Things are going really good with my pregnancy with Cooper. I should be able to relax with some self-talk, but relaxation is nowhere in the horizon. I had a dream last night that we went to the hospital because I hadn't felt him move all day so they did an ultrasound and they are able to find his heartbeat...and, he is alright. I haven't had a dream yet that he doesn't make it but I have had dreams recently where I'm sure he's dead and have to be shown that he's alright. I woke up this morning wishing that Sept. 11th would hurry up and get here so that I'll be in the hospital and Cooper and I both will be monitored and Lord willing we both will make it home this time.

Creeping up to the time that I lost Lily is hard. I remember how every time she moved made me smile. I find myself doing the same thing with Cooper, which is natural, right? I wish I could hold some childlike faith that my pregnancy with Cooper won't end the same way that my pregnancy with Lily did...and, I'm trying everyday to be positive and to keep the faith that God wouldn't do this to me twice.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

You get to a point...

where your focus has to switch from grieving to planning...I miss Lily, and I love her with every fiber of my being. I still long for how my life could be with my daughter. My daughter who would be 8 months old now. I'm back to sleeping with Lily bear because I feel guilty that I haven't been grieving as much as I had been focus honestly has switched to getting Lily's brother here safely. My hubby and I both had tears in our eyes as we talked about the day that Lily died and how we both want to meet Cooper...comfort him when he cries, change countless dirty diapers, feed him, burp him...all the things that we never got a chance to do with Lily.

I talk to Lily about watching over her little brother, and I do credit her and thank God everytime that I see Cooper on the u/s screen. We had a MRI on Tuesday and they say that my uterus is completely stable and that Cooper is perfect in every way. I can't help but think that she's involved...and, that she knows that I will be useless in life forever if something happens to him, too.

Thank you, Lily for watching out for your little brother and keep up the good work! I know you will love him in his little brother onesie. We love you so much and I promise that he will always know about you!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Parade of Candles!

Have you ever seen a parade of candles? I want to thank all of you lovelies that sent pictures of the candles that you lit for Lily's birthday. Every email warmed my heart!


This one's actually the one I did :)








And, Trennia did this really cute scrapbook for Lily, and I don't know how to post the link with out just copying and pasting (I'm a little remedial, sorry!)
Thank you all again for celebrating Lily's birthday with me. ((hugs))

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Lily's memorial

We held Lily's one year birthday in heaven on Saturday so that we could be with our family as we remember our sweet baby.

Here are some pics of the day~

The cupcakes~ my hubby spelled out Lily's name with them...

At my mom's house~

Lily's picture on the table with Lea's angel wings :)

Our balloons with our notes written to Lily~

Lily's daddy and the love of my life with his balloon for Lily~
It was such a bittersweet time together as a family, because her absence was even more apparent on Saturday. Her first heavenly birthday was on Monday and it was a difficult day to navigate through because there are just so many emotions that play into that day. Joy and pride because I gave life to such a perfect and beautiful human being. Sadness that I have to spend everyday without her. Regrets for not spending more time with her when I had the chance. Thankfulness for the time that I did have with her and those moments will be cherished forever. Impatience to be rejoined with her.
My greatest achievement will always be that I'm Lily's mommy, and I know that she is excited for her little brother to be in our lives. On my note that I wrote to Lily on her balloon included a P.S. that simply said "please, look after your little brother."
She is and forever will be my pride and firstborn...and my precious daughter...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

August 3, 2008's early minutes...

By this time, we know that Lily isn't going to make it. My hubby is shaking my stomach and begging her not to go. I'm on my side and I look back at my hubby and my ob and tell them that I don't want to lose her, but the look of my doctor's face tells me that there is nothing that can be done. My hubby gets close to my stomach and tells Lily to go the the man named Jesus and He will take good care of her. He tells her how much we love her and that we will see her again. And, then her heartbeat is no longer detectable. In a matter of 30 minutes, we went from losing my appendix to losing our daughter.

I remember having the oxygen mask on and not being able to catch my breath. I remember my hubby coming to hug me and both of us sobbing. He leaves the room to call my family, close friends, and my boss. My life was forever changed on this date and I will never recover all the pieces of the old me.

She died at 12:30 AM and the day would prove to be a long one. All of the my health issues became the major focus, and grieving was put on the back burner. Some time during that day my uterus would rupture, causing pulmonary edema and a few hours from being DIC (very technical term, but the acronym means "death is coming"). I would end this day signing for a hysterectomy and being placed on a ventilator.

I didn't get a chance to grieve for days, but the grief has had variable strengths over the last year. Sometimes, I cry so hard that I don't want to breath again, other days, I wake up and feel peace and the new normal that has become my life.

I carried her for 22w4d, but I carry her in my heart and mind forever. I close my eyes and I can see her in my arms in her white dress with the cross on the front, wearing a purple hat, and looking so peaceful. I am thankful for the time that I did have her in my arms on earth, but I long for the day that we're reunited.


You have touched my life in ways that are difficult for me to share with the world. I look forward to holding you in my arms again and whispering in your ear all the ways that I have loved you and missed you while you were gone. You are never more than a second away from any thought and the sound of your name brings joy to my heart. You are never forgotten and I love you with every fiber of my being.



**It would be such an honor for me as Lily's mommy if you would light a candle tonight in her memory. I would love to see a pic of the lit candle and you can email it to me at Thank you!**

August 2, 2008

We woke up this day and went to our favorite breakfast spot (for those of you who know me IRL know that we go here EVERY Saturday barring that we are in town!). We went to some yardsales and had an overall great morning. We went home and took a 2 hour nap because mommy and Lily were tired. I got up and went to play on my birthboard for the December 08 babies, alas, little did I know that I would never again go to my birthboard with worries and questions. The next time I would be on would be to give the story that my baby had died.

I stood up from the computer at about 4;45 PM and immediately felt the worse pain that I ever felt but chalked it up to really bad gas (sorry, TMI), so I went to the restroom but the pain just got worse and worse. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn and tell her to meet me at the hospital. I wasn't even going to give her the option of telling me to wait it out, because I was sure that I was in labor. I was preparing myself for the end on the way to the hospital, but felt Lily kicking all the time on the drive to Labor and Delivery. I was ecstatic to find out that Lily was doing beautifully and that I was not having any contractions. I was not bleeding and my cervix was completely closed. So, what was wrong?

Blood draws were done, but were lost on there way to the lab, so another set had to be completed. A doctor came in to examine me and determined that it must be my appendix, so an exploratory lapratomy would be completed and my appendix removed at the same time. All of the risks of having surgery were explained to me and my hubby, and felt that we had no other option because the pain was excruciating. We were admitted into the hospital and my hubby had the job of calling my boss, and my family. I was given some Dilaudid, and literally passed out. I would never feel my baby kick again.

About 11:30 PM my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and everyone went into panic mode. The nurse was manually pushing fluids into my body to bring my blood pressure back up. An oxygen concentrator brought in to help me breath. A catheter put in, well, you know what that was for and when they pulled down the hospital panties is when they saw the first signs of blood. My ob-gyn brought in a u/s machine and my baby that had a heartbeat of 145 just 2 hours prior was now in the 90's....

Saturday, August 1, 2009

August 1, 2008

was the last day that I felt like the "normal" Jen (if I ever fit the definition!). I left work that Friday with plans for a restful weekend. Little did I know that when I left my office that Friday that I would not return for 8 weeks. I learned another valuable lesson that Friday~never leave a dirty desk for Monday! Lord only knows the mess that my poor bestie had to sort out in my absence.

I remember this day mostly because it was the last day that my heart wasn't broken.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lily's one year~

I was shopping today to get somethings that I need for Lily's one year memorial that we are having with just family on Saturday. I'm planning every detail, from the color of the cupcake holders to the balloons for the balloon release being just the right pink.

Now, I want to cry. I don't want to "celebrate" her short life. I want her here with me. I want to cry because of how fast time has gone since I held her. I want to cry because of how unfair life is and why He had to take her away from me.

I just want to cry...and, right now I don't know how I'll make the tears stop coming...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Bonding moments~

My mother-in-law called me today because she knew I was off work and wanted to know how our appointment went this morning. Some of you may remember that my in-laws had a baby boy die during childbirth and they adopted my hubby 2 years later. She called today and actually talked about the day her son died which is a huge step for her. Back then you didn't hold your baby or take pictures. They just put you in a room and pumped you full of tranquilizers. My father-in-law saw the baby but didn't hold him. They tried to get pregnant for 8 years prior to getting pregnant and then he died due to a cord accident. My heart broke for them when I first heard the story when I was dating my hubby. Who would guess that these poor people would also lose their first grandchild 42 years later?

My MIL told me that when she was at mass the other night that she had a conversation with God about not taking this baby. She told God that he had already taken two of the best members of the family and that we all wanted this one. My MIL is a tough cookie and hearing her talk with such emotion showed me that even though she hasn't been there emotionally over the last 11 months that she was at least thinking of our pain and understood. My hubby was really upset that they didn't come to Lily's memorial, but I see now how paralyzing the emotions must be for her. To lose a son and a grandchild before they even took their first cries.

It was a great (slightly depressing) conversation but the kicker was her fianl comment. She wouldn't be a mother-in-law without one of these comments; "Now make sure you eat right at every meal, we're all counting on you." Pressure, much?

But, I did end up getting a salad for lunch :)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Lily's brother~

I am going to post this on both of my blogs, but wanted to start here first because this where my journey with all of you began. There is good news and bad news that came out of the surprise doctor's appointment today. First, the good news....Cooper is perfect and (for now) the scar is looking good and the uterine wall appears strong. The bad news...the placenta has grown into my uterine wall. The same day that I have the c-section to welcome Cooper into the world, I will be saying goodbye to my uterus. I will have a hysterectomy during surgery which is scary due to the fact that that area of the body is receiving two times that amount of blood than normal. I will be admitted into the hospital at 24 weeks (Sept. 11th) for the reminder of my pregnancy. Lord willing, my uterus will be strong enough to get as close to 34 weeks as possible but they want me closely monitored at all times therefore the hospitalization is in order. And, Cooper will begin to receive steriods at this time, too.

Being me, I try to find the silver linings in all more periods...and, my honey won't have to get a vasectomy now...I think God knows how stubborn I am so He is removing the temptation for me to have more babies after Cooper.

Please, pray for me and our rainbow baby. To say that I'm scared is an understatement....

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Boys are so much easier...

I have been bombarded with mostly great comments since finding out that our new bundle of joy is a boy, but I've gotten one a few times that is really starting to naw at my nerves:

"Oh, you are so lucky because boys are easier than girls!"

Now, this doesn't piss me off when it comes from people that don't know about Lily, but sadly I have gotten this comment more than once from people who know that I'm still grieving for my daughter. UMM, hello?

I wouldn't have cared if she stayed up all night and drove me least she would still be here! Some people that know me really well have been very insightful and that a baby boy for me is probably a good thing because I would constantly comparing this baby if it were a girl to Lily. Thats me~ not that anyone else would do it. If I were to be honest than I would have to say that would be a rather correct assesment. But, regardless, I will always wonder what she would have been like...would she have her daddy's great sense of humor or would she be a light sleeper like me. I will be doing that everyday of my life.

On a lighter note~ I'm trying desperately to find a cute boy onesie that says I love my daddy, and am having no luck. All boy onesies say I love my mommy (which I love!)...let a sister know if you see anything cute :)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Wedding day bliss~

We went to a great wedding Saturday night, you know, the kind of wedding where EVERYTHING is perfect. I mean they had a freaking candy bar and a Star*bucks station...needless to say I had to a blast~ decaff, of course :)

Maybe, I'm the only one that does this, but when I go to a wedding I automatically think back to the day that hubby and I tied the knot. How rosy I thought our life was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I have a GREAT marriage and my hubby is my greatest blessing. But, I never thought that we would travel down this road that we are on now. My first mistake was thinking that getting knocked up was easy. Boy, was I freaking wrong. I ended up having two surgeries to repair equipment (and, the equipment still sucks~no warranties on a crappy uterus though and I only have one tube-poor thang!) and we finally got pregnant after nearly 2 years of trying. Then, WHAM! We have a dead baby. My hubby and I were so carefree when we talked of having babies in the beginning of our marriage, now, I'm usually reduced to tears. Its hard when you get to a point when you know that pregnancy doesn't equal baby. That Jen and Chuckie sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-NG doesn't end with pushing a baby in a baby carriage.

I do know that we are stronger as a team for what we have endured. People used to tell me that the reason that Chuck and I got along so well is that we had never faced a true hardship as a couple. No one says that to us now. Is there any greater hardship that having your child buried/cremated before you? I think not.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Closing another chapter~

We have been packing up Lily's nursery this week and do I even need to tell you how painful this is?

I touch every outfit that I bought her and my mind is automatically drawn back to the day that I bought it for her. I bought every outfit with dreams of what my baby girl would look like and how cute she was going to be in a particular dress or romper. There are a few outfits that had me reduced to sobs. One dress is cream with the words "Precious Girl" scribbled down at the bottom with bloomers and a headband to match. One romper is white with blue and green funky flowers. Both are just adorable. Some would say that I'm crazy for getting so upset about clothes, but they're not just clothes. They're symbols of small dreams that I had for Lily.

We spent an afternoon painting the letters to spell "Lily" pink with brown polka dots and we hung them with brown ribbon with pink polka dots to hang above her crib. We had the greatest afternoon doing those letters and about 2 weeks later she was gone.

I spent hours looking for the perfect nursery bedding and finally bought the pink and brown bedding with ladybugs. I was stoked when I found it and could imagine myself picking her up out of crib at the wee hours of night to soothe her tears. How many times have I looked into her crib since she died just to find myself needing soothing because of my tears?

I'm blessed to be pregnant again and I look forward to the new chapter in our lives, but I was hoping for a girl (secretly) to be spared this pain of having to pack up all her stuff. Maybe, it would have been painful to have another girl using Lily's stuff. Who knows?

My hubby knows that this has been a painful process for me and has put all of Lily's stuff in a container in the closet in the nursery that I can just pull out and wallow in whenever I want to...Good gracious, does he not know me?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Happy First Birthday, Ada!!!

I just wanted to take a moment to say Happy Birthday to one of our angel babies, Ada. I know she is looking down from heaven at her mommy and daddy and celebrating, too. I can imagine all of our little angels in a chorus of happy birthday and having an extra special day!

We love you, Beth! I hope today is a gentle day for you and Hunter~

Monday, July 13, 2009

A gift from Big Sis~

I was out shopping today and decided to buy something from Lily to her baby brother and could not resist myself when I saw this little onesie...

Its a little sad for me that I will have to pack up all Lily's stuff because we will not be able to use any of it for this baby, because I'm pretty sure that he is not going to want to sleep in a nursery full of pink and brown ladybugs and wear dresses :) And, I know his daddy is not going to allow any of that frilly stuff to happen, either!

I know I'm going to cry several tears as we change the nursery around to fit another baby, and I'm trying to tell myself that Lily understands and that she is happy to have a little brother...and, that she knows that Abebe doesn't take away our love or replace her in any way. Lily will forever be her daddy's little girl and her mommy's little princess.

We miss you and love you, baby girl..

Friday, July 10, 2009

Special gifts...

I've been meaning to post these very special thoughtful gifts on here all week. I love getting these and please, know that they warm my heart...

This one is from Lea~

And, this one is from Bree~

I continue to be amazed by the thoughtful of women that found each other through the biggest heartache that can be felt by women...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lily's ashes

The other day at work the local news showed up to talk to a girl that I work with regarding a lawsuit against a local funeral home. To make a long story short, her dad died and they did a closed casket funeral and they assumed that dad was in the casket that was buried, but no he wasn't, he was actually in the cooler for 5 months until the found out that he was never buried. Can you imagine?

So, I started to panic that maybe Lily's ashes weren't in her urn. I have never seen Lily's ashes actually, and have been putting it off for a later date. I've thought about getting a cremation pendant to wear, but haven't got to that point yet. So, my hubby showed me her ashes last night. Surreal. My heart didn't beat while I held that bag in my hand, the bag that holds the remains of my beautiful daughter's body. She was 11 and 1/2 inches long and weighed 1 lb. 2 oz. and all of her was in this tiny bag. My hubby went with Lily to the cremation place and put her body in the box so that she wouldn't be alone (I have tears running down my face and I type this words, because his strength continues to marvel me). I sat at home that night alone knowing that I would never see her on this earth again and that her body was no longer.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her tiny perfect body and the short moments that I held her in my arms. Now, all I have is this tiny bag in her urn on a shelf in my room...and, thats enough pain for any mommy to have to carry...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Addendum to my previous post~

I am hoping that most who read my previous post knowing that I'm not turning my back on God but trying with all my human might to repair my end of my relationship with our Heavenly Father.

I did go to church yesterday which is why my heart was trouble by my thoughts and words during the last 11 months. I did open my bible this morning with a heart and soul that is eager to hear God's words.

I know not everyone that reads this blog is a believer, and these posts maybe very trivial to some. These thoughts are important to me in my growth as a believer, whether you accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour when you were a child (as in my case) or you accepted His grace and mercy just yesterday.

As always, thank you for your patience as a waddle my way through this grieving process. You all are wonderful and I love all of you...which, is nuts because I've never met any of you!

Sunday, July 5, 2009


To say that I have been in a spiritual funk would be an understatement. Do I still love God? Yes. Have I been dependent on Him through all of my emotions in the last 11 months? Not all the time...

I have had a spirit of indifference as of late. I don't think I did it on purpose, but none-the-less have found myself bitter about the trials that God has placed before me AND my hubby since Lily died. When my hubby and I decided to have a baby in 2006 and the months flipped by on the calendar and we weren't getting pregnant...I was faithful that God would allow me to get pregnant on His timetable. When I finally got my BFP, my first words were thanks to God for answering my prayers. Every morning I did my bible study and prayed over Lily's health and safe delivery into the world. Why then would He answer my prayers with taking her away from me? I lived in a world of illusion that because I was one of God's children that He would never give me such heartache. The illusion has led to my indifference. My indifference has led to many mornings of not opening my bible, only praying in times of panic and sleeping in on too many Sundays. Satan has worked on hardening my heart. I have so many people tell me how proud that are of me for being so strong after losing Lily. Strong? Not the word that I would use, because the one I would use would be surviving.

Some tell me how God has given us our miracle baby. All babies are miracles and gifts from God. Being pregnant again has just begun to re-mold my heart from the months of hardening and I do want to FULLY trust Him again with Abebe's every need. My prayer is to lose the indifference and to rely once again on Him for all MY needs.

Please, understand that although I have anger towards my circumstances that I have felt God's grace and mercy through all my tantrums. Never once did I feel that He had left me alone during my time of need. These words are my words to the world that as a human who believes in the most high God that even though He has given me the worst pain that a mother can go through and I have questioned Him time and time again why He had to allow my baby to die, but I wouldn't put my faith in any other Lord and Savior.

Friday, July 3, 2009

11 months...

11 months have gone by since Lily died. One more month and she will have been gone for an entire year. Where does the time go? I try sometimes to remember what I was doing on a certain day last year before my entire life became something entirely different. Sometimes my recall is better than others, but I can say that I don't remember anything from July 3, 2008. 11 months ago, I was an innocent first-time mommy to be...

I dread August 3 hitting the calendar this year. I know as time goes by that it will become easier and easier for people to forget that she even existed. I can't bear to think of her slipping from other's memories, and is it even fair for me to expect them to always remember her? They didn't know her like I did...

I rarely write about individual months being of certain significance (I wrote on her due date), but this being the last month before her one year death anniversary has got me in a bit of a panic state...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


All of the celebrities dying in the last week reminds all of us of the fragility of life. How one moment life is just clicking away, maybe these people were planning what they were going to do for dinner that night, or what movie to see the following weekend...then, all of a sudden they're gone. I work in an industry where I see death and the effects of death on a family. I learned about death suddenly on August 3, 2008 when my daughter died. My grief continues to linger but the days are easier to get through.

What I do know is this~ that I am terrified to go through those early days of grief and loss again. I remember vividly the hours spent with Lily dead inside my body. I remember vividly rolling down the hall to have my c-section knowing that when I woke up that my daughter would no longer be inside of me. I remember crying so hard that I couldn't breath and crying so hard that the pain of my c-section and all the other things that my body had endured where insignificant. I never thought that I would be where I am today. Pregnant and excited. And terrified.

I wake up every morning worrying about Abebe. I don't daydream really about meeting Abebe like I did with Lily. Whenever, I allow myself to relax and think about life with Abebe, I am quickly reminded that pregnancy does not equal a baby in my home. I know most pregnant women are excited about their babies, especially their first. My first child was taken from me, so why should I arrogantly expect that God won't do this to me again?

So, everyday I beg God to let me have Abebe. He has her sister, and everyday I learn to accept that more. I want to have Abebe in my life. I never got to see Lily's eyes or see her smile. I will never hear her say "momma" during my lifetime. I will never see her walk and discover new things. Again, I beg God everyday for these milestones. He's given these milestones to people who don't really "care" about their children. Why I should I be excluded from all these joys with your children?

One thing remains, and I know this to be true. This pregnancy with my second child will either end good or badly. I'm terrified every second of the latter.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A mommy to two...

I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with telling people IRL about being pregnant again since I'm sporting a small baby bump and since the first trimester is coming to a close. Upon telling some people the natural question for people to ask is "is this your first?" Its an incredibly uncomfortable question for me and my answer varies depending on the circumstances. Sometimes, I answer with "no, this is not my first pregnancy", and I leave it at that. Sometimes, I answer with "no, I had a stillborn daughter last summer." Either way, I end up feeling extremely guilty. Outsiders don't know the extreme pain that this simple and innocent question brings to me. And, how I feel like I've betrayed my beloved firstborn, because both answers don't capture how much her life means to me. I can't answer with how grateful that I am to be pregnant again, but that my heart and body yearns for my firstborn. Either answer produces the pity look for which I have grown accostumed to since Lily died.

I think to myself all the questions that I ask people throughout the day. Questions that seem innocent enough, but boil up pain in others. I know I ask these questions as a way to get to know other people better, and I know that is why people inquire into how many kids I have...will this question always hurt so badly. Will I ever answer this question with a less-heavy heart? I can't answer that question at this point in life, but I do know that every day until I die that I will always be the mommy of two beautiful babies...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Nothing much to say except...

I miss her. I'm having a hard time today. All days are some degree of hard, but I really miss her today. I'm in love with the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon, and the main character in the book has a stillborn daughter. I just got done reading about her visiting her daughter's grave and I just started to cry. Its just a book with a fictious character, but I am that character. This is my real-life. And, in my reality, I am still very much heartbroken.

I'm just sad today. I wish she were here with me on this quiet Saturday. I wish she were here with me everyday of the week. I know I can't have that but with every heartbeat, I do wish that I could hold her again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stages of grief...

Tonight, I went out to eat with two of my girls from work, and we had a really great time together, gossiping and pigging out. It was wonderful. I pull out my wallet to pay for my dinner and my wallet opens up to the section where I keep my pictures of Lily...and, my heart skipped a beat for a second. I love looking at her pictures and she is never more than an instant from my thoughts, but for some reason tonight it caught me off guard. I don't know if it was that I was having a good time that made me feel guilty. Sometimes I feel guilty about falling in love so quickly with Abebe. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting a girl just so I can use all of Lily's things for her sister. Guilt has been something that has been prevalent in my mind since finding out that I'm pregnant again.

I guess grief is cyclical, and just when we think we've reached a new point, we find ourselves two steps back.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The things I've learned from my birthboard~

I am relatively obsessed with my new birth board, heck, I was obsessed with my birth board when I was pregnant with Lily. Do not let me have 5 minutes alone because I will be checking for new posts! I was on the December 08 birth board with Lily, and coincidentally am on the December birth board again this new year. (Dear God, please let Christmas be better this year!) I handle things and notice things more differently in this birth board than I did with my birth board from last year. Here are a couple to things that I've learned or noticed from my birth board:

1. I do not avoid miscarriage posts like the plague. I never clicked on or offered condolences on miscarriage posts when I was pregnant with Lily. I almost had thoughts like "poor lady. thank God that's not me." Alas, loss found me. I try to post on nearly every miscarriage post that I see because I now know the loneliness and pain that comes with losing a baby. No woman should ever be made to feel alone or that she's done something wrong.

2. It saddens me to see various women have personal signatures that list out miscarriages, but in the same signature will say "expecting baby #1" on whatever date. What about all the babies that they've lost? Do they no longer count? Why can't they just put "We're expecting a baby!"? Just like if someone asks me if this is my first pregnancy...I say no...Lily was my daughter and she counts. Maybe, my opinion on when life begins differs from these women, but I feel bad for the babies that aren't being counted.

3. Pregnant women are nuts (me included). These ladies can get into fights about baby bumps and whether or not they're real at 11 weeks to ripping each other new ones over political jokes. I really just want to read the posts about our boobies getting enormous, and all of those other creepy things that happen to our bodies during pregnancy.

4. Pregnant women have a great sense of camaraderie that is irreplacable. I go to my birthboard when I'm feeling extra nuts and see posts that make me laugh or provoke my thoughts. I feel happy for them when they get good news and add them to my prayer lists when they're worried about their beans.

All I know is that I hope I can make it to the end with this bunch of women, because it was really hard to seperate myself from Lily's know that most of them continued on to have their babies.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I wrote a post about our perinatal specialist appointment on Abebe's blog, but just wanted to write about a strange coincidence with the doc today. Evidently, doc was thinking about us this morning driving to work because he is on call this weekend, and he was thinking about the worst on-call weekend that he's had...and, it was the weekend that Lily died and I was so sick. He was thinking about us and how difficult our situation was to him emotionally. The crazy part was that he didn't know we were coming to see him today.

Maybe, God is preparing him for the long weeks ahead?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Afterlife...

My sister and her three kids came to stay with us for a quick little trip (she only lives an hour and a half away), and we really had a great time. We went to the Georgia Aquarium, Fernbank museum, and to Dave and Busters for dinner. I should give a little background info before starting in on the conversation that my hubby and I overheard between two of my nieces.

My sister and I are obsessed with the Sci-Fi show Ghosthunters. We have always loved ghost stories and even if we can't sleep with the lights off for a week, we are always the first ones in line to see a ghost movie at the theatres. I don't know, maybe something happened to us when we are kids, but we're weird that way! So, Ghosthunters did a recent show at the Georgia Aquarium dealing with the Titanic exhibit~ some EVPs and some personal experiences of the cast members and they concluded that the place does have some paranormal energy. Not that I really put stock into any of this, because I would have no explanations for why a person would be here after they die since I'm a Christian...its really just for entertainment value. Anyways, enough background information!

My two oldest nieces, Caitlyn (10) and Gracie (7) must have overheard things that my sister and I were saying to each other while walking through the Titanic exhibit, because the following conversation occurred at lunch:

Caitlyn: "I wonder if Lily is a ghost and she is haunting the Titanic exhibit"
Gracie: "No! Lily is an angel! She's not a ghost, Caitlyn!"

Aunt JenJen pops in at this time to tell them that Lily is living in heaven, and that she really isn't either. We go through the whole when we die we go to live with Jesus, and that He makes us perfect when we come home. Gracie then tells me (my heart breaks here) that she has never heard of a baby dying before Lily died, and its hard to explain to a 7 year old how bad things happen in life.

One true thing remains is that Lily has great cousins, because they still talk about her, even if its in strange conversations like this one...and, I know they will be great cousins to Abebe.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Being pregnant again has opened up the possibility of watching baby shows on TLC...I thought I was ready, I mean, I am having another baby. A couple minutes into the show and I was reduced to tears. I think that I will forever feel as if I were robbed of all the excitement and joy that comes with being pregnant and having your first baby. My first pregnancy ended terribly. I never got the chance to give birth to my firstborn and to hear her first cries. I'm even slightly envious of watching these woman go through the pain and sweat involved with having a vaginal delivery. I don't have that option and truly all that matters to me is that my baby arrives safely, but any babies that I do bring in the world will be by c-section.

So, I had a quirky idea that after I'm done bringing forth all the humans that I plan on bringing onto earth that I'm going to have all their names tatooed right above my c-section scar~ or maybe just write the words "this way to the exit"?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thanks, Marie!

Sweet Marie over at myexpectedend awarded me this great award! I love these awards! So, here it goes~

Here are the rules...

1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.

2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the award and post it on your sideboard.)

JenJen's 7 things~

1. I love my God. My relationship with God has been an interesting one since finding out I was pregnant with Lily than having her taken home to heaven, but I do know that He has never left my side. I felt His hand on my shoulder through my tears and doubt. He offered unconditional love through my questions of why me and self-pity.

2. I love my husband. I cannot begin to elaborate on his presence in my life. He is the best human being that I have ever encountered and he makes me want to be a better person. I love him compeletly and unabashedly.

3. I love my babies. Lily's conception to me will always be a story of God's glory~ and, Abebe growing inside of me has given me a sense of purpose again. Its an awesome feeling when you are growing human beings!

4. I love my sister. Who is a freakin saint, and without a doubt is the sweeter and nicer of the Hambrick girls. She has only missed calling me one day since I got out of the hospital after Lily died, and is a constant positive and loving force in my life.

5. I love my nieces. My nieces are a blast and then some! My hubby and I get all excited when we know that we will soon be seeing them~ We're going to see them tomorrow and then my sister and the kids are coming to stay with us for 2 days next week! We are so siked!

6. I love my cat. Yeah, some of you think you love your pets, but do they have their own bedroom with kitty furniture and toys? And, pictures of cats from magazines all over the wall so that they don't resent being any only furbaby? Yeah, Delilah is a diva...

7. I love to travel. I have a constant sense of wanderlust. I love seeing new places and trying new foods. I especially love to go to cities that are enriched with history~

O.K. so the seven bloggers that I nominate are:








Monday, May 25, 2009

Another repeat holiday~

Every year, my hubby and I go on a Memorial weekend whirlwind trip (except this year because I had to work and we were supposed to go to Scotland next week!), and last year we went to Boston. We had the best time in Boston (seriously, I would move there tomorrow), and it was so exciting because we joked about baby's first trip. I bought the cutest onesie with shamrocks on it that said "that's it! I'm going to Nana's!" We were so happy on that trip and talked about how we would probably not go anywhere next Memorial Day because we would have a nearly 6 month old, and it would be too difficult to take a 2 day blissful we unaware of how life can change in an instant.

Another Memorial day, but pregnant with a completely different baby. I've lived this holiday once with dreams for my child...but, now these dreams are for a different child.

I'm going to post a picture of us from last Memorial Day in Boston~ its chilly up there in May, but underneath the sweatshirt is my baby bump~ my smile is genuine...which is different now in recent pictures...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A Different Child

I totally lifted this off someone on my birthboard, but it was too great not to pass on to all in dbml that are pregnant with their rainbow babies~

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

Friday, May 22, 2009

God reminds us that we're still alive

I don't remember what my life was like before Lily came into it. Life before her seems insignificant, vague, and blurry. My heart shifted as I told the doctor how much I didn't want to lose her~ and, then she was gone. Life as I know it now started the moment that her heart stopped. The doctors that came in and out of the room would offer their condolences and tell me how lucky that I was to be alive. One doctor even spoke to us about how great adoption was for his family, and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being able to carry children any longer.

I still have moments were I remember waking up on the venilator and crying...not because I was scared, but because I was still alive. Without my daughter. I left the hospital with a prescription for Xanax, Ambien, and Zolfot instead of the doctors listening to how I felt~

They days since August 3, 2008 have been difficult to say the least. I tried the medicine for awhile, and they did help mask the pain. I stopped taking them and the pain was still there. Pain reminds us that we're still alive, and breathing did become easier as the days continued to move on....

I got reminded again that I'm still alive on April 23, 2009 when those two lines appeared on the test. I got reminded again that I'm still alive on May 11, 2009 when I saw my baby's heartbeat on the screen, and again when I heard Abebe's heartbeat on the u/s machine yesterday. I thought I had died inside the day that Lily died, but this new life inside me tells me that I'm still alive. I wrote a poem when I was pregnant with Lily about having two hearts (mine and hers), and that poem will always be about her...I once again have two hearts, and I'm happy again to be...Alive.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Good day and compromises...

We had a great appointment today and got a 3d u/s of Abebe (read my other blog if you're confused!). Everything is looking great. I used to be an optimist, but life has given me a different outlook~ but, it is hard not to get excited...

Everytime we got home from an appointment I would post new pics of Lily on our Lily's u/s pic is still my profile picture. I still can't take her pic down and replace it with Abebe's but I did upload all the new pics into a new album. I am beginning to relax and I am falling in love with this new baby inside of me, but, just when I start to get heart reminds me of how badly it hurt to lose my sweet, Lily.

Monday, May 18, 2009

What a sight!

Some of you will already now that I work in a senior retirement community, and I love what I do, especially all of my precious friendships that I make with my residents and their families. We also have a rehab unit were they can come do physical/occupational/speech therapy and then go back home. Well, I have these lady that seriously falls and breaks something once a year (God love her) and comes to our facility for 6 weeks at a time, and she came in today for her yearly visit after breaking her hip. Her family is precious! I was pregnant with Lily when she was at my facility last year, so naturally they asked me how the baby was doing. Both of the daughters started to cry, because one of them had a stillborn daughter about 30 years ago. So, I recaped the events of Lily's death and by the end of the story all 3 of us were crying. Could you even imagine what was going through people's minds as they passed my office?

They were thrilled to find out that I'm expecting again, and they commented on how they just know that Lily is watching over me and the new baby everyday. I pray that's true because then she will also see how much I miss her and love her every second of the day.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

new blog for rainbow baby~

So, I've had conflicted emotions regarding posting new baby on Lily's blog. I've decided to do a special blog for the new bean, and I hope all of you will check-in from time to time.

Last Monday's appointment has my excitement starting to build and my journey to a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby is sure to be one of varied emotions, but the one thing that is dominant in my mind is that I feel truly blessed to be given this opportunity again...

Lily's going to be a big sister :) and, like any good big sister, I know she will be watching out everyday for her brother/sister...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just for giggles...

I was on my birthboard this morning and someone posted a link where you could receive a psychic reading about the day your baby is born. The "psychic", Madame Zaritska made the following prediction for our new bean:

The day you deliver, outside will be hazy. Your baby will arrive in the late night. After a labor lasting approximately 17 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 4 pounds, 13 ounces, and will be 17 inches long. This child will have dark brown eyes and a lot of red hair.

99 percent of this is crazy, but I did find it an odd coincidence that she predicted that the baby will have red hair (my haircolor) and dark brown eyes (my hubby's eye color) because those were questions never asked and 4 lbs 13 oz will be about right if baby arrives at 37 weeks. Now, I'm not having a vaginal birth and it will be a planned c-section so the late night thing may not groove with my doctor.

Anyways, a funny way to start a Saturday morning after being so sad the last few days.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I just miss her...

I miss Lily everyday, but the last few days have been extremely difficult for me. Let me warn you that my next statement makes me sound occurred to me on Monday after seeing the heartbeat of our new little bean that I am pregnant with a completely different human being. That sounds crazy. I keep flashing back to how I felt when I was pregnant with her. I can already find some differences between this pregnancy and when I was pregnant with Lily, and these differences make me cry.

I was sitting at my desk today and I had tears in my eyes as I had a thought about my pregnancy with Lily...and, all the innocence and naivety that I had with the things that can happen at any time of pregnancy. I'm trying so hard to get attached, but parts of me just want to protect myself. I do know that I already love this baby, and have started to daydream about meeting them one day.

I just miss much...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


My emotions are all over the place and I don't know if its the hormones or the reality of everything hitting me. Let me give you a few instances:

1. If I hear one more time "see, I told you if you would relax you would get pregnant." As a woman that has had issues with fertility, I find any and all such comments as very insulting. My comment to someone this morning was "I hardly think God cares how much work I put into getting pregnant this month when He's the one that does it on His timetable." Truly, irked me.

2. I love looking at my new ultrasound pictures of our new bean, but I just am not ready to pull Lily's u/s pic off of my profile picture. Literally, I just got done bawling. I love my Lily, but this makes me feel guilty for not throwing myself into this new little life inside me.

3. I just cannot invision actually bringing a baby home in December and am always thinking that something is going to happen. I pray for our new bean several times a day, but I did the same thing for Lily...but, she isn't here with me.

I just found out that Kayleigh Freeman died and this has my heart just broken in a million pieces. Please, say a prayer for this family because we all know the pain that this family is now facing. The post that the wrote in memory of their daughter is beautiful...

So, my emotions have hit every spectrum...irked to weepy to doubtful to heartbroken...I'm having a moment or two...maybe, I'll be better tomorrow!

Monday, May 11, 2009

First Appointment Update!

We saw the little healthy heartbeat today! The doc said that the baby's heartbeat had just started beating recently and it was about 97~ which he said was completely normal at 6w2d so the baby is measuring pretty much exactly with my LMP. He looked pretty intently on where the baby was in my uterus and he said that the baby is in a terrific spot in the middle of my uterus. He said it will be even better if the placenta is on the left side of my uterus since my rupture happened on the right side. So, I got everything I wanted out of this first appointment. We go back next Thursday for another u/s, and I will be seeing him every 2 weeks.

What a relief! He says everything looks great, so far so good... the edd is 1/2/10, but take 3 weeks off and we're looking at the second week of December!