Becky's I believe video

Through the babyloss community, I was blessed to meet Becky. She and her hubby lost their first baby, Liam, during fetal surgery to correct his severe Spina Bifida. They were blessed to become pregnant with their daughter, Evelynn, but Becky suffered a Uterine Rupture (most of you know that we lost Lily to a UR, as well) 6 days before her scheduled c-section. Evelynn was pulled off life-support a few days after her birth and passed away.

 This family has been through more than any of us could even imagine! They're currently in a video contest to win FREE IVF (they're going to use a gestational carrier) and it would mean so much to them (and, me!) if you could take just a moment to vote for their video. Here is the link:

 http://haveababy.com/i-believe-video-contest/

Just look under the I believe video contest and vote for the Rasmussen family (in the Primary section). Please and thank you! 

5th Christmas

Monday marked the 5th time that December 3rd has hit the calendar since Lily died.  December 3rd, 2008 was her due date.  I found the calendar that I kept when I was pregnant with her the other day and December 3rd was circled with just the words "Baby N due!".  Damn, I was so excited for December 3rd (or, thereabouts)...

My facebook status on Monday was "I'll wonder what she'd be like at 4, 14, 24, 34..." and I will.  I'll never be ok that she's not running around my house and drawing on the walls with her little brother.  Never.  Will I enjoy life and keep on trucking on?  Yep but I'll always wish that she were here..

I bought her a new ornament for the tree...

 



Capturing your grief...

I knew that participating in Carly Marie's Capture your Grief project would stir up emotions that I've been bottling up for awhile and boy are memories and emotions stirring the last few days.  I've been so busy being a mommy to my rainbow that I truly have put being Lily's mommy on the backburner.  To be frank, one child needs me every moment to survive while one child doesn't. 

I received a very sweet thank you note from a friend today.  She gave birth a baby girl in July and I attended her shower in June.  Quite honestly, even 4 years later, I do shy away from attending baby showers but I will go if they're a special friend.  I no longer go to the ones out of some sort of social norm requirement.  Anyways, the special friend wrote that she's been thinking of Lily a lot and questioning why Lily and I were robbed of the opportunity to have a mother daughter relationship.  First, it takes a lot of empathy and love in your heart to actually put those thoughts on paper.  Second, it's been a long time since I've allowed myself to think of the actual day to day things that I miss with her.  Sure, there are the triggers still that I mentioned in my previous post but I just don't allow my mind to think about all the days that I've lived without her and (hopefully) the many days that I have yet to live without her. 

My heavy sigh that has been my way of coping without her turned to heavy sobs after reading the thank you note.  I went upstairs, held her picture to my chest and actually cried.  I mean, a ugly heavy, barely breathing type of crying.  I bet it's been a year (or, two?) since I've allowed my mind and my heart to feel that much...

I don't plan on doing the Capture your Grief on my blog but I am doing it on facebook and instagram.  Here are the pictures for the last 4 days (it rained all day on the 1st so there isn't a picture of the sunrise!):



Day 2: Before Loss self-portrait (the day before we lost Lily) 

 

 

Day 3:  After loss self-portrait

This pic is important because I'm really, genuinely happy here. 

 

 

Day 4 A treasured item:

Lily bear (most of you will know LB, she was given to me when they pulled me off the ventilator.  This bear kept me grounded to Earth for days...

 

Day 5: A memorial

The heart inside reads:  We never lose the ones we love, they live on in our heart.

 

 

 

To participate in Capture your Grief as part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness then please go to Carly Marie's website here.



 

There's never a break...

You can take a blog break but you just can't take a break from this journey, can you?  I've been thinking of Lily a lot the last few days.  There's just a subtle ache these last few days. 

Maybe, it's all the little girls at the park lately and I just can't help but think about how lovely she would be these days.  A beautiful four year old little girl running around the playground...

Maybe, it's all the Halloween costumes in the stores because Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I can't help but wonder what she would be...

See, I don't break down in tears anymore when I miss her.  It's more like I just need to take a big sigh and just keeping moving...

Never stop moving. 

4 years

How is Lily's 4th birthday on Friday?  Where has the time gone?  It seems like one day I was drowning in grief then I learned how to wade and now I'm swimming along in what appears to be a normal life.  I still think of her nearly everyday but I'm not as sad this birthday as I was last year...I must be getting "better", whatever that means...

I'm doing the memory boxes again for her birthday and I'm delivering them tomorrow.  I changed them up a little this year with doing a photo book instead of a journal, a candle and a pregnancy and infant loss pin.  I have a whole day planned with going to Callaway Gardens for the butterfly house (we were going to do this last year but it just didn't happen) and we're also taking Coop to the wild animal safari on Friday.  I plan on (finally) reading him "Someone Came before You" while we're in the butterfly house.  I just want to have a special moment with him to celebrate his big sister.  He's only 2 so he doesn't have a concept of death but he does see pics of her and we talk about her to him often.

I made four baskets, 2 girls and 2 boys, to be donated tomorrow~  

What to expect when you're expecting...

** Spoiler Alert **  I'm giving my opinion on the new movie "What to expect when you're expecting" so don't read this post if you plan on seeing this and don't want my opinion...

I went to see this movie on Saturday in the spirit of (almost) always being a good friend even to my own detriment and it fulfilled all my expectations which were really, really low.  I'm not one of those rom-com kinda girls anyways but a couple of my girlfriends wanted to see it and hey, I could use a night out so I said "sure!".  It's one of those smorgasbord actor movies with a bunch of big names in it and it was filmed locally so I pushed my uterusless/baby longing emotions to the side and decided that it couldn't hurt...

Okay, here are a few of the things that pissed me off most in the movie:

1.  I was actually surprised to see that they included a miscarriage in the movie and I was like "finally, some realism in this B.O.S movie!" but yeah, they sugar coated the miscarriage issue entirely.  For one thing, it happened to the couple that got pregnant after a one night stand.  I guess it happening to the couple that had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant would just be too sad.  That pisses me off because they made the situation into "well, she must have miscarried because it wasn't the right time in her life" thing.  Which one of the last sentences spoken by this woman was "I'll have another chance when the time is right".   They didn't even scrape the surface of mourning a miscarriage with the closest attempt being a line "It hurts too much to look at your face right now" spoken by the girl to the guy.  You saw her cry right when she got the news but I didn't see any other tears and it turned into a "you don't have to be with me" now issue and not so much a "I just lost a human being inside me" issue.

2.  One of the couples is looking to adopt and they decide to do an international adoption.  What a beautiful idea but then they magically get selected a few weeks after their home study!  I mean, come on!  J Lo loses her job at the aquarium and she doesn't once blink an eye that they can no longer afford their expensive international adoption but more that she can no longer afford her dream house.  You don't see one second worth of the bureaucratic paper work crap that follows a domestic or international adoption.  You don't see them going to the FBI office to be fingerprinted.  They do their home study and magically they get a baby...how wonderful!

3.  One of the ladies ends up with a c-section and the moment that the baby is born there is a medical emergency and the dad is forced out of the room.  His sadness was actually believable but they turned it into a moment where this guy and his dad can make up.  I have serious triggers related to pregnancy emergencies and they trivialized every woman's fear of something happening during their c-section.  My only remedy would be to suggest leaving that whole scenario out or at least do it respectfully!  The nurse comes in and says "she's awake" and that's that...how wonderful! ::eye roll::

As you can tell, I'm not a fan.  I went with a group of very fertile women who have never lost a baby...so, they loved it!

I feel like a total outsider these days...

Walking a fine line...

I feel like I'm walking a fine line when it comes to being a good friend but wanting to preserve my mental state.  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies these days.  I feel like I'm dropping off a meal to an excited family with a new baby with a fake smile plastered on my face.  I fake eagerness to hold their new little human that smells so good but then reluctantly hand them back their new bundle of joy.  I've done this song and dance so many times.  I did this awkward dance the almost 2 years while trying to get pregnant, then after losing Lily and I do this stupid dance all.the.effin.time now.

You should hear the conversations in my head.  Maybe, you shouldn't because they make me feel crazy.  The conversations about being selfless and being a good friend.  The conversations about the unfairness in this world.  The conversations about where God is is in all this mess.  I know I'm not less deserving to have both of my children or be able to give Cooper a sibling but alas, God seems to think so...

I laugh at conversations (in my head) amongst friends while they chatter on about if they want to have "one more baby" as they say it as it's a given.  Oh, to have that arrogance...

I get bitter as I listen to friends talk about their second pregnancies being so much different then their first because  this time around they're chasing after their toddler.  Wow, what a bother to take care of that living child on yours.  On Friday, I listened to a friend actually say that she's not as naive this pregnancy about not losing the baby and that she's actually nervous this time.  For her, I feel nervous for her because being pregnant isn't a guarantee that you'll bring a baby home.  She's never experienced a loss but at least she's not being arrogant.  All I could say as I listened to her talk was say "Yeah..." but I couldn't elaborate and actually got busy putting away picnic stuff because I don't have it in me to encourage others during pregnancy right now.  Right now, I'm just sick of being around pregnant people.  But, I smile and listen to these conversations while rolling my eyes in my head.  I have to be a good friend, right?  No one cares about being a good friend to me and maybe, ask just one time if I'm okay...

Oy, it's Mother's Day and I miss my girl.  I'm pissed that my Mother's Day will never feel complete...

Lily's lilies

I guess I should explain Lily's lilies to new readers just so you have a frame of reference.  It took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily and my hubby bought me an Easter Lily for Easter 2007.  I thought it was so beautiful so we planted it in our little patch of yard in front of our town home.  We also decided that we just loved the name Lily and would name our daughter Lily if we were ever blessed with a daughter...and, we were blessed with her but not in the way that we dreamed of...

This morning, I was just delighted to see the first flower to bloom!  I don't believe in coincidences so what makes this even more special is that 4 years ago this week was the first time that we saw her heartbeat!  I believe in signs and I believe that she's telling me that she's doing great...

Thank you, precious one!  I love you! 

I was going to write a post about the March for Babies walk that we participated in for Lily and Cooper yesterday but it doesn't feel right...

Please, go show Becky some love on her blog.  I don't know what happened but her rainbow baby, Evelynn, passed away.  My heart is devastated for her.

3 more days until The March for Babies!

I can't believe that we're only 3 days away from the walk! It's been a busy week of finishing the little details like making our matching shirts and 4th quarter fundraising...

I also decided to decorate my rainbow baby's wagon with butterflies! I posted on Fb if my blm friends would like their baby(ies)'s name on a butterfly and the response was tremendous! His wagon is going to be beautiful and I do get a little misty eyed when I think of these butterflies being with us for the entire walk!

I included a pic of Lily's butterfly :) also, there is still time to donate! All you have to do is click on the following link and your donation is tax deductible...

Lily's shirt for her brother :)

I wanted something special for Cooper to wear to the March for Babies walk this year so I had a t-shirt made by a fellow blm, Katy, who is the mastermind behind Somewhere over the Rainbow. Her shop is precious and she sells many items for our angel babies as well as items for our rainbow babies.

I had a huge smile on my face that this shirt came today since you will remember that today is a special day between her and I if you read my previous post :)

The anniversary...

Today is the anniversary of the happiest day of my life. Today, 4 years ago, was the day that I got my positive pregnancy test with Lily. We had been waiting to see the word "pregnant" on a hpt for almost 2 years. Today is also my 34th birthday...

Lily,

You changed the meaning of my birthday when you made your presence known. I envisioned my birthdays to be so different when I took that test and found out that you would be coming into our world. I imagined sharing birthday cake with you and you making me a homemade card. We both know that today won't be filled with these sweet memories (with you being here)but the day that I found out about you will always be my sweetest memory.

I know we'll celebrate together one day and until then...I love you and miss you relentlessly.

Forever,
Mommy

March for Babies 2012

We're participating with the March of Dimes' March for Babies for the 4th year in a row! We're very excited to participate again and I actually met with a rep yesterday to give her some suggestions. One suggestion has been nagging on my heart since our very first walk...

I've been troubled by the lack of acknowledgement for the babies that don't make it and who will never attend a walk. I remember wearing Lily's tiny purple hat on my shirt and wondering why her life felt insignificant amongst all the celebration. What about her life? The life that is just as important as her brother's life, the life that she never really got to live...

I mentioned this to the rep yesterday and I didn't want to but I actually shed a few tears...I keep my emotions in check rather well, I think, but the tears came anyways. I would love to have just a moment of silence for all the precious little feet that will never take their first steps. I originally did the walk in memorial for Lily and took every step with her in my mind and on my heart.

It's my life's mission to be the best possible mother to both my babies. So, if that means that I have to be extra vocal so that her life and the lives of all her friends are acknowledged...then, bring it on! The rep was very receptive to suggestions and I do hope that she took them back to the decisionmakers...who I don't mind talking to, also!

I talked to some other blm friends and other cities do some type of memorial for the babies that don't make it...it's time that the Atlanta Chapter get on board...

Side note: You can donate to our March for Babies time by clicking on the badge to the right :)

Valentine's Day

I'm thinking of you and your sweet babies today as we celebrate Valentine's Day. Our love for our babies never dies. It lives on today and everyday...

I sent a Valentine's day themed pic to those of you that have made recent name requests so please check your email...

Love to all of you today and always!
Jen, Lily and Cooper's mommy

Daughtry "Gone to Soon" Dedicated to those who have lost a child.

A fellow blm and friend shared this on facebook today and I just sobbed. I can't put into words how much I still miss her...

Grab the tissues!

To my loves~

I found this Willowtree figurine at Cracker Barrel the other day and thought it would be perfect for Lily and Delilah! My loves waiting for me...