Thursday, February 24, 2011

My sweet grandma

My grandma is almost 79 years old and we've always been close. She's the kind of grandma that would do slumber parties with you and make you anything that you wanted to eat when you were at her house. She'd put curlers in your hair and put make-up on you...she's just cool!

I was at her house the other day and she showed me this huge picture frame that she bought at a yard sale. This thing is huge and it has all these places to put pictures in so her plan is to put pics of all her great-grandkids in this frame. I'm used to Lily being ignored by most of the world but my grandma isn't the rest of the world. She said that she's going to put a special in memory spot of Lily in the picture frame. She also has Lily's birthday written down on the calendar like everyone else in the family...

I love my grandma.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Lily's charm

My sweet hubby bought me some charms for my pandora bracelet for Valentine's Day! I wanted to share the one that he bought me for Lily. I tried to take a pic of my bracelet but the picture is so terrible! I got this picture from Pandora's website to share with you guys :)

It is so precious! The little stone is pink for our special girl! She's never forgotten...

Happy Valentine's Day~

Please don't be sad now that we are apart,

Celebrate Valentine's with me in your heart.

Our best Valentine's ever is still yet to come,

For Heaven is where the first Valentine is from.

And so I look forward to when you'll be free,

To spend a Valentine's in Heaven with me.

I'm waiting with Angels, and until that day,

I'll keep sending my "Hugs & Kisses" your way.

Love your Angel

-author unknown

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dream or a nightmare?

I had a dream (so, we'll call it) where I found out that I was pregnant (which we all know is impossible) and my dream me was less than happy. I spent most of the dream saying things like "this isn't supposed to happen!" and "where is the baby growing?". But, I also remember in the dream saying "my uterus is a death trap!" I also kept saying I can't leave Cooper to go hang out in a hospital for 8 weeks on bed rest...actually, I found the dream me to be quite logical!

In reality, I would never get pregnant again even if I didn't have the hysterectomy. Let's face it that my body (er, ex-uterus) obviously wasn't meant for it's intended purpose. It exploded at 23 weeks with Lily and barely pulled through for Cooper at 31 weeks. My pet peeve these days is hearing pregnant women complain about how long their pregnancies are...well, don't you sign up for 40 weeks when you get pregnant? Um, hello? I would've loved to carry a baby to full-term (heck, I would've taken anywhere from 35-36 weeks really!). But, let's not digress...

It has been on my heart lately to look into adoption again. I would love for Cooper to have a brother or sister to grow up with so this really is our most realistic option. Although, I'm totally renting a uterus if we ever win the lottery! Or, if someone in my real-life would like to volunteer to be a compassionate surrogate ;) Ha, you will be upgraded to my new best friend! I know that my sister growing up (and, even today) was my sidekick in everything..and, I want Coop to have that, too! He'll always have Lily as his big sister but I would love for him to be someone's big brother :)

Anyways, my pregnancy memories aren't fond, (well, Lily's pregnancy was perfect until the day that it wasn't) so my anger/worry in my dream didn't surprise me and those feelings lingered long after I woke up. I was blessed to experience pregnancy 2 times though and we made 2 beautiful babies...and, that's where I'll always be eternally grateful!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Remembering Kristen Eva~

I made a new blogging friend, Sherri, who sadly joined the baby loss community when she lost her sweet Kristen on November 18, 2010. She lost Kristen at 22 weeks due to incompetent cervix.

I remember those first weeks and months after I lost Lily. Gosh, I felt so alone and depressed! Lily's blog became my grief outlet and I've made so many wonderful friends over the course of the last 30 months. I have about 3 friends that I met within the first few weeks after I lost Lily as we all lost our babies around the same time. And, let me tell you that these women are precious to me! How you can care for people so much that you've never met in real-life is beyond me! I've made many more wonderful friends that are blessings to me everyday!

Please, visit Sherri and make her feel as loved as all of you have done for me! I know she has questions that some of you can help her with (like having another baby after IC) and I know that all of you will *get* what she's feeling!

Love and blessings, my friends! XOXO

Monday, February 7, 2011


I wish that I could trademark the name Lily (and any spelling variation) so that seeing or hearing her name wouldn't stun me...especially on a Monday morning.

I got an email for a care calendar for one of the moms in my MOPs group. She had a baby girl on Friday and yeah, her name is Lilly. It's a lovely name so I don't blame people for using it...

Ugh. I don't really know this mom so I may just be completely and horribly selfish and not sign up on her care calendar. Or, I just may take a day or two (or three?) to get my act together.

Help me, Lord, to hear her name and only think of seeing her again one day...and, not the missing her so much right now, part...Amen.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

He's the boss!

The sermon at church today was talking about our responsiblity to God once we're saved and it was an awesome message, let me tell you! But, one line really stood out to me and (paraphrasing) our preacher basically said that God is the boss and He's going to will things into our lives that we're not going to agree with and our responsibility is to accept these things as His will in our lives. Hmmm, not an easy one to swallow...

I was really stuck on the "why me, why us and why her" the other day. I told a friend the other day that God doesn't owe me an explanation. I truly believe He does all things for a reason. He is way to wise to allow things to happen that won't serve a greater purpose. I cannot even fathom a thesis as to what Lily's death would serve but my human heart is way to stubborn to even really want to know an answer. Really, what would an answer serve when (God willing) I still have 50+ (60+?) years to still live down on Earth.

Funny thing is, I'm not even mad at God for choosing us for this trial. I'm not even mad at God for the hysterectomy or for Cooper's hypotonia. I don't feel sorry for myself. I pray that I'm make Him proud and that I never gave up faith when I needed to shine it the most.

Funny thing, this grief journey, eh? My prayer is for the peace that only He can give...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

A great man~

I went to the mall today by myself (Cooper and daddy went to a home improvement store to do boy stuff) and walked through the toddler girl department. I allowed myself to gaze and gingerly touch some of the most girlie dresses and thought about my bad day the other day.

My main thought was about how I called my hubby as I drove out of the Chick-fil-a parking lot and was crying as soon as he answered the phone (and, promptly assured him that there was no emergency!) I can't tell you how many times I've made the "I'm just having a missing Lily" moment over the last 30 months because it's countless. Each time, he helps me through the tears and has me smiling again by the end of the conversation. He never says "can I call you back" or "you gotta let this go..." but instead he says "I know, I miss her, too" My hubby is awesome, caring, loving, and compassionate. I am blessed.

I don't think I could've found a better man to be the father of my children. He's a great man...and, like a 70+ year old lady at church told me the other day "a good man is hard to find!"

I love you, honey and thank you! XXXXXXOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXX

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

There will be days like this~

Most days I function really well. I live my life and I carry my smile around for the whole world to see. Today was one of those days where I wasn't angry but really just in emotional pain. Helpless is a good word. What can you do when your firstborn is dead? You can't change it.

It started at MOPS when a well meaning fellow mom asked me how I was doing with my pregnancy. Yeah, she got me confused with another mommy. She didn't know that I don't have a uterus. I am barren. But, she did ask me about Lily which is so rare because most people avoid her like the plague. It was nice to talk about her and especially when I know that the person is comfortable with the subject of pregnancy loss. It's crazy to me that in this day and time that people act like pregnancy loss is contagious or that it's too sad to talk about.

Oh, and then there was lunch at Chick-fil-a and the barrage of 2 year old little girls. Ugh. I love all kids but today was one of those days where I could've done without all the cute girlie outfits and hairbows. I swear I would've lost it if I heard that any of these little girls were named Lily. It's one of those days.

Tomorrow will be 3o months without her. Shouldn't this be easier? I mean, you do get on with life and learn to live with the tears that you cry alone but, this still really, really hurts.