I'm trying so hard to be in the Christmas spirit. My hubby and I went to see our neices in their Christmas play at their church. I've put up the Christmas decorations, bought and wrapped the gifts, put the Christmas cards in the mail. I'm actually ahead of the game as far as that goes, but I'm just not feeling the real reason for the season. I was in church every Sunday and most Wednesdays before Lily died, and I'm sad to admit that I can almost count on one hand how many times I've been to church since losing her. I feel like God loves me, and I still love Him...I'm just so cotton-picking mad at Him for allowing this to happen to me. I'm grateful for all the other things that He has given me in life...but I would almost give all those other things up to have Lily. I say almost because I need my health to be here to take care of her, and my hubby to help raise her, but the material possessions- take em. The job- give it to some other crazy work-acholic...
I just feel like my spirit is miles away from my body...and I'm too mad right now to want to work on things. Pray for me guys, because right now I'm becoming a very bitter infertile.
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3 comments:
I think we've all gone through phases of bitterness, but I realize that I haven't had to face the infertility that you do. I am so, so sorry. :( Don't be too hard on yourself - it's okay to be a little bitter, especially at the holidays because those are hard. And I will be praying for you.
I actually said those words, Bah Humbug today. It is completely understandable why you don't have this Christmas spirit. I feel the same way about God and I'm sorry you have to be dealing with this.
You are the most wonderful woman I know. There is no one on earth that I would want beside me as we remember our beautiful girl. As I said before,lots of people are "fertile" that should not be a Mommy. You will be a Mommy, fertile or not, someday and I will be proud of how great you will be. I will always love you with all my heart.
Your DH
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