Saturday, June 20, 2009

A mommy to two...

I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with telling people IRL about being pregnant again since I'm sporting a small baby bump and since the first trimester is coming to a close. Upon telling some people the natural question for people to ask is "is this your first?" Its an incredibly uncomfortable question for me and my answer varies depending on the circumstances. Sometimes, I answer with "no, this is not my first pregnancy", and I leave it at that. Sometimes, I answer with "no, I had a stillborn daughter last summer." Either way, I end up feeling extremely guilty. Outsiders don't know the extreme pain that this simple and innocent question brings to me. And, how I feel like I've betrayed my beloved firstborn, because both answers don't capture how much her life means to me. I can't answer with how grateful that I am to be pregnant again, but that my heart and body yearns for my firstborn. Either answer produces the pity look for which I have grown accostumed to since Lily died.

I think to myself all the questions that I ask people throughout the day. Questions that seem innocent enough, but boil up pain in others. I know I ask these questions as a way to get to know other people better, and I know that is why people inquire into how many kids I have...will this question always hurt so badly. Will I ever answer this question with a less-heavy heart? I can't answer that question at this point in life, but I do know that every day until I die that I will always be the mommy of two beautiful babies...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Nothing much to say except...

I miss her. I'm having a hard time today. All days are some degree of hard, but I really miss her today. I'm in love with the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon, and the main character in the book has a stillborn daughter. I just got done reading about her visiting her daughter's grave and I just started to cry. Its just a book with a fictious character, but I am that character. This is my real-life. And, in my reality, I am still very much heartbroken.

I'm just sad today. I wish she were here with me on this quiet Saturday. I wish she were here with me everyday of the week. I know I can't have that but with every heartbeat, I do wish that I could hold her again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stages of grief...

Tonight, I went out to eat with two of my girls from work, and we had a really great time together, gossiping and pigging out. It was wonderful. I pull out my wallet to pay for my dinner and my wallet opens up to the section where I keep my pictures of Lily...and, my heart skipped a beat for a second. I love looking at her pictures and she is never more than an instant from my thoughts, but for some reason tonight it caught me off guard. I don't know if it was that I was having a good time that made me feel guilty. Sometimes I feel guilty about falling in love so quickly with Abebe. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting a girl just so I can use all of Lily's things for her sister. Guilt has been something that has been prevalent in my mind since finding out that I'm pregnant again.

I guess grief is cyclical, and just when we think we've reached a new point, we find ourselves two steps back.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The things I've learned from my birthboard~

I am relatively obsessed with my new birth board, heck, I was obsessed with my birth board when I was pregnant with Lily. Do not let me have 5 minutes alone because I will be checking for new posts! I was on the December 08 birth board with Lily, and coincidentally am on the December birth board again this new year. (Dear God, please let Christmas be better this year!) I handle things and notice things more differently in this birth board than I did with my birth board from last year. Here are a couple to things that I've learned or noticed from my birth board:

1. I do not avoid miscarriage posts like the plague. I never clicked on or offered condolences on miscarriage posts when I was pregnant with Lily. I almost had thoughts like "poor lady. thank God that's not me." Alas, loss found me. I try to post on nearly every miscarriage post that I see because I now know the loneliness and pain that comes with losing a baby. No woman should ever be made to feel alone or that she's done something wrong.

2. It saddens me to see various women have personal signatures that list out miscarriages, but in the same signature will say "expecting baby #1" on whatever date. What about all the babies that they've lost? Do they no longer count? Why can't they just put "We're expecting a baby!"? Just like if someone asks me if this is my first pregnancy...I say no...Lily was my daughter and she counts. Maybe, my opinion on when life begins differs from these women, but I feel bad for the babies that aren't being counted.

3. Pregnant women are nuts (me included). These ladies can get into fights about baby bumps and whether or not they're real at 11 weeks to ripping each other new ones over political jokes. I really just want to read the posts about our boobies getting enormous, and all of those other creepy things that happen to our bodies during pregnancy.

4. Pregnant women have a great sense of camaraderie that is irreplacable. I go to my birthboard when I'm feeling extra nuts and see posts that make me laugh or provoke my thoughts. I feel happy for them when they get good news and add them to my prayer lists when they're worried about their beans.

All I know is that I hope I can make it to the end with this bunch of women, because it was really hard to seperate myself from Lily's know that most of them continued on to have their babies.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I wrote a post about our perinatal specialist appointment on Abebe's blog, but just wanted to write about a strange coincidence with the doc today. Evidently, doc was thinking about us this morning driving to work because he is on call this weekend, and he was thinking about the worst on-call weekend that he's had...and, it was the weekend that Lily died and I was so sick. He was thinking about us and how difficult our situation was to him emotionally. The crazy part was that he didn't know we were coming to see him today.

Maybe, God is preparing him for the long weeks ahead?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Afterlife...

My sister and her three kids came to stay with us for a quick little trip (she only lives an hour and a half away), and we really had a great time. We went to the Georgia Aquarium, Fernbank museum, and to Dave and Busters for dinner. I should give a little background info before starting in on the conversation that my hubby and I overheard between two of my nieces.

My sister and I are obsessed with the Sci-Fi show Ghosthunters. We have always loved ghost stories and even if we can't sleep with the lights off for a week, we are always the first ones in line to see a ghost movie at the theatres. I don't know, maybe something happened to us when we are kids, but we're weird that way! So, Ghosthunters did a recent show at the Georgia Aquarium dealing with the Titanic exhibit~ some EVPs and some personal experiences of the cast members and they concluded that the place does have some paranormal energy. Not that I really put stock into any of this, because I would have no explanations for why a person would be here after they die since I'm a Christian...its really just for entertainment value. Anyways, enough background information!

My two oldest nieces, Caitlyn (10) and Gracie (7) must have overheard things that my sister and I were saying to each other while walking through the Titanic exhibit, because the following conversation occurred at lunch:

Caitlyn: "I wonder if Lily is a ghost and she is haunting the Titanic exhibit"
Gracie: "No! Lily is an angel! She's not a ghost, Caitlyn!"

Aunt JenJen pops in at this time to tell them that Lily is living in heaven, and that she really isn't either. We go through the whole when we die we go to live with Jesus, and that He makes us perfect when we come home. Gracie then tells me (my heart breaks here) that she has never heard of a baby dying before Lily died, and its hard to explain to a 7 year old how bad things happen in life.

One true thing remains is that Lily has great cousins, because they still talk about her, even if its in strange conversations like this one...and, I know they will be great cousins to Abebe.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Being pregnant again has opened up the possibility of watching baby shows on TLC...I thought I was ready, I mean, I am having another baby. A couple minutes into the show and I was reduced to tears. I think that I will forever feel as if I were robbed of all the excitement and joy that comes with being pregnant and having your first baby. My first pregnancy ended terribly. I never got the chance to give birth to my firstborn and to hear her first cries. I'm even slightly envious of watching these woman go through the pain and sweat involved with having a vaginal delivery. I don't have that option and truly all that matters to me is that my baby arrives safely, but any babies that I do bring in the world will be by c-section.

So, I had a quirky idea that after I'm done bringing forth all the humans that I plan on bringing onto earth that I'm going to have all their names tatooed right above my c-section scar~ or maybe just write the words "this way to the exit"?