Monday, October 27, 2008

The words I wish I didn't know...

The words I wish I didn't know include the following: Infertility, Placenta abruption, and Uterine Rupture. Pregnancy is supposed to such a natural and beautiful thing, but for me the entire process has been one filled with difficulty. When my husband and I got married we decided to use Depoprovera as our birth control option...boy, what a waste of time considering when I purposely tried to get pregnant it took almost a year and a half. I'm not a candidate for drugs like Clomid, or artifical insemination because of my one faulty tube. Getting pregnant with Lily was a miracle, because my specialist had counted me out. I have absouletly no risk factors for a placenta abruption, and my docs still can't tell me why it happened to me. All of my genetic tests came back good, except one but it still doesn't give a reason to the abruption. To feel like your body betrayed your child is a very heartwrenching feeling. My docs tell me that the chance of having a uterine rupture is like being struck with lighting. All of my research shows that the chance of a spontaneous rupture (like the one I had) is about 0.5% to 1%...All three of these words are things that I never thought would happen to me. I just assumed that I would get pregnant the moment that I decided to have a baby. This is very humbly for a woman who has acheived most all that she has set her mind to acheive.

I have always had a terrible habit of being a stress-scratcher. Anyone who knows me knows that I scratch my neck compulsively when my nerves are shot. I have become a compulsive scratcher the last fews weeks. My dermatologist asked me if I have been under any stress lately, and I know that I'm not handling things the "healthy" way. I tried to wean myself off my anti-depressant b/c I think its making me fat...but now I just cry on a dime.

I guess I miss the ignorance is bliss Jen...before trying to get pregnant and then succeeding just to lose my baby has changed ever fiber of my being. I'm so sad, and I want to scream and throw something!


Beth said...

Yeah, we are sort of on the same page today. I'm sorry. :( I hate the fact that my vocabulary has expanded, too. I'm now aware of SO many things that can go wrong during pregnancy that I'm going to be so scared next time. Yet, I am grateful that I think I have become a more sensitive person through all of this.

I didn't realize how much of a miracle it was that you guys got pregnant before. Will you be trying again? Have you thought about adoption? I'm totally open to adoption if we ever can't get pregnant, although I'm not sure how much my husband is.

It just sucks when you know your body betrayed you, doesn't it? I feel the same way. We don't really know what caused it, but it was probably some blood clot in the placenta. That's so vague to me.

Scream and throw something - you deserve to!

Lindsay said...

I know those words also. I was 'struck by lightening' in September '08. I am blessed by the fact that you publish your story. I'm here..trying, watching, willing to listen....God bless you today...M.S.