Tuesday, December 27, 2011

She's not forgotten after all~

I was delighted by a few gifts this year that were specifically given in honor of Lily! My hubby gave me the first one (not that he'd ever forget her!) which is this beautiful Willowtree figurine. I had shown it to him while shopping for Christmas cards at Hall.mark and he didn't pay me much attention or so I thought. This figurine really stood out to me because of the lillies that she's holding close to her. Also, Lily would've turned 3 at the beginning of this month so she would be a little girl now and not so much a baby anymore...

I was SUPER shocked to receive 2 butterfly charms for my Pandora bracelet from my in-laws. Yes, the in-laws that normally act as if Lily never existed. And, they did it because of Lily. Christmas miracle, I guess!

My sister gave me a card telling me that 10 trees were going to be planted in Lily's honor at Seminole State Park! Oh, I cried. I'm supposed to get a certificate so hopefully we'll be able to visit the trees soon!

All of these gifts for Lily didn't make me sad because I knew that she was attending the grandest of birthday parties with Jesus! Can you imagine? I hope Christmas was gentle on you, dear friends, as well ((hugs)).

Friday, December 23, 2011


I took my rainbow baby (gosh, I guess, he's not so much a baby anymore being that he's 2 but he'll always be a baby to me, lol) to have Christmas pics taken last Saturday at Se.ars. Oh, the experience was horrible. Not with Se.ars but my 2 year old wanted NOTHING to do with having his picture taken. They were so bad (and, he's very photogenic! Really, I'm not being one of those moms!) that I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. I had a hard time using my coupon they were so bad! I ended up buying one of their Christmas collages with Santa on it and used the best pic and the worst pic of the bunch for a naughty and nice theme.

I took Lilybear with us and even changed out her normal pink ribbon for some Christmas ribbon to match Cooper's suit. For new readers, Lilybear is the bear that we got from the hospital when Lily died. She's in every family photo :)

My hubby had a hard moment when we first got there because there are all these pics on the wall of siblings together. His eyes filled with tears and said that he wished Lily was there to take pics, too. This is our third Christmas without her and even though it's gotten easier, there are still those moments that your heart just aches...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My heart is haunted...

I've gone to bed and have woken up for the last few weeks with the memories of meeting Lily for the first time. I could talk about how beautiful she is and how much a mother's love is forever but my thoughts lately have been about feeling guilty. I feel so horrible and guilty that I only spent about 30 minutes with her. Those 30 minutes were basically spent holding her, sobbing and apologizing over and over to her for failing her. I didn't know what to do. I just sent her back to stay in that refrigerator...

I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.

I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?

Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Thank you to all that entered the giveaway! I plan on stopping by each and every one of your blogs to get to know you and your precious babies very soon!

So, onto the winner! I used a random number generator (random.org) to pick the winner, even took a pic :)

And, comment number 24 is Bree, The Traveling Teacher! Please, send me your contact info to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com and I will get this lovely picture to you pronto!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

25 days of giveaways!

I'm so excited to be participating in the 25 days of Giveaways presented by Tina! I'm sorry that you're coming to participate because it most likely means that you're a babyloss mom. Let me say that I am so sorry for your loss (or losses) and send you huge ((hugs))!

For new visitors, my name is Jen and I am the proud mommy to Lily, who was born stillborn at 23 weeks due to a placenta abruption. We had tried for 18 months and endured 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her so our lives just crumbled when we lost her. We got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Cooper, about 9 months after losing Lily. Cooper was born at 31 weeks due to complications from placenta increta. He has done so much to bring joy back into our hearts and our home again. We miss Lily every day. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't say her name or think about how life should be...

So, I saw this butterfly wall decor while shopping and knew that it would be prefect for this giveaway. I'm going to make this so simple and all you have to do is leave a comment with your baby(ies) name(s) and leave your blog address because I would love to come visit! I will pick a winner using a random number generator. OH, and you must be a babyloss parent to participate! Thanks!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Yesterday marked 3 years of what should've been Lily's due date and although the day no longer overwhelmes me with sadness, I do still have those moment of futile what-if's. What if we had gone to a better hospital? What if I had picked a better ob-gyn? What if they had caught the abruption in time? Oh, how these questions still plague my mind and I guess they always will...

My hubby and I had our 4th date night in 25 months last night (I purposely did it on December 3rd knowing that it would be nice to give my mind something else to look forward to) and it was a really nice night. We had a couple glasses of wine and made a toast to our sweet girl every few minutes. We just toasted to her how much we loved her and missed her...

Thank you to those that lefts words of support on my last post. Mostly, thank you for not trying to force me off the bitter train and allowing me to feel anger. Sometimes, just listening and not trying to fix something is the best that others can do so I appreciate it! xoxo

Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm going through a rough patch right now, emotionally. I don't think it really has to do with the holiday season, either. It has to do with the fact that I'm feeling surronded by...freaking pregnant people. Seriously, at least once a week for the last month and a half there has been a new pregnancy announcement within my group of mommy friends. I mean it makes sense, our kids are almost 2 so I guess getting knocked up again is what normal people do, right?

I mean, I'm just so pissed at the universe that I can't give Cooper a sibling. I know some people chose to just have one kid but I've always wanted 2 and not in the way that I have 2 kids. I'm just so pissed that I don't have a choice in the matter. So, now I get to listen to others bitch about morning sickness or how they want to deliver at 37 weeks. Get the hell over yourself because you sign up for 40 weeks!

I'm in a really pissed off and bitter mood. My SIL was telling me about a 19 year old that she works with that is on her 3rd kid. WHY HER? Why did my body do this to me? Why? Why? Why?

NO one would ever tell normal people to just be happy to have one kid and stop but everyone thinks I should just be happy for the one that I have...I'm just pissed. Let me be pissed.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

25 days of giveaways!

This year I am participating in the 25 days of Giveaways! I will be hosting a giveaway on December 7th so don't forget to stop by! You can learn more by clicking on the button below!

Happy December!