Friday, February 27, 2009

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder~

I have felt a certain level of guilt associated with the touched up photos of Lily. All should understand that I find the real photos of Lily absolutely beautiful. I had the photos touched up for my family and friends so that they would be able to have a photo that was "presentable" and I also keep these photos in my wallet for those that want to see her. I was looking at her real photos last night and I couldn't help but smile because I find her to be perfect and beautiful in every way. I can't help but feel like a proud mommy when I look at her tiny 10 fingers and toes, and I laugh as I question if any of genes had a part in her perfection because she looks just like my hubby. I am a proud mommy of a perfect child designed by God~ that was only given to me for a very short time.

I present again a real photo of my daughter~ who is eternally loved and missed by her entire family.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

3D ultrasound day

I had a 3D ultrasound when I was 16 weeks pregnant because I just couldn't wait to find out the sex of the baby....really, I was ready to begin shopping! The session is only supposed to last for about 20 minutes, but the baby was having none to do with showing the goods so it went more into the 40 minute range before she could get the "money" shot. She told us we were having a boy. I flip back to that moment a lot when I reminisce, because I was secretly upset that the baby was a boy. I wanted a baby girl so bad that I couldn't stand it. I feel so foolish because I should have been praying for just a healthy baby. I also kick myself for not buying the bigger package~ the one with the dvd where you can watch the baby move around~ who knew at that moment that I wouldn't be holding that squirmy baby in my arms. I would give anything to go back to that day.

I walked out of there thinking that there was a Cooper inside of me...sad and spoiled because I wanted the baby to be a Lily~ I got my wish 3 weeks later at my 19 week u/s at my ob's office when low and behold the baby did have a vajayjay after dreams of my baby girl would end a short 4 weeks later.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 6 months since Lily died. I'm coming to terms with my human self-centeredness, and attemping to embrace the woman that I am today. I look in the mirror and the reflection looks the same, but my eyes show me a woman that has matured by leaps and bounds.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Happy Birthday, Maddie!

My oldest niece, Madycait, turns 10 today and I sent her flowers to celebrate the day that she danced her way into the double digits. I had a vision in my mind of what I wanted the bouquet to look like when I called the florist, but gave her a lot of leeway...but my main desire was to have a huge pink lily come out of the center of the bouquet~

Madycait~ I hope you have a wonderful day! You are such a wonderful niece~ you are always so kind, compassionate, empathetic, and intelligent. Uncle Chuck and Aunt JenJen are your biggest fans! We love you!

Monday, February 23, 2009

My mighty heart skipped a beat...

I was watching A Mighty Heart yesterday while lounging in my sick bed, and there is a scene where Angelina Jolie is lying in bed and she is reading What to expect when you're expecting. Anyone who has been pregnant in the last 10 years or so will know the holy grail of pregnancy books...but seeing this book during the movie made my heart skip a beat. I remember running out to Borders the very night that I found out I was pregnant to finally buy my very own copy~ I was on cloud 9 that night...filled with excitement and love for my baby. Getting through each week in the book was like counting down the week until my baby would be in my arms.

I loved the excitement of planning for the new addition to our family, and my heart aches for the all the plans and dreams that I will never experience with Lily. Nothing will ever be the same, when even a glimpse of a book can take you back to happier times...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The cries I long to hear...

I have a slew of nieces (only 1 nephew) and the oldest one is turning 10 on Tuesday, and her birthday party was yesterday. I was so sick, but I've never missed any of their b-day parties, so I just drugged myself up the best that I could and went anyways (crossing my fingers and saying several prayers that noone gets the cooties.) Anyhow, my youngest niece is 17 months old and was crying "momma, momma, momma" over and over again, and my heart broke even through my drugged up/sick state.

I want someone to call me "momma"

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I told the story of the day that Lily died to a co-worker today, and the tears just popped into my eyes...its been six and half months since Lily died and my heart still tears apart when I think of how drastically my life changed that day. I can still picture the way my hubby's face looked while he watched our daughter's heart stop beating. I remember how it felt when she moved inside of me and how empty my body felt when she died...and how excruciating it was waiting for my body to go into labor but how excruciating at the same time because I didn't really want to be seperated from her. I woke up on a ventilator that night after they had to do an emergency/immediate c-section and having the sudden realization that losing Lily was not a nightmare, but in fact my reality.

My reality is still paralyzed with anguish and grief and an undying love for my beautiful and perfect child...who did all that she could do to be with me, and for reasons that will never be known, my imperfect body failed her. I'm sorry, my darling angel.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I'm trying to be careful to not turn this blog into talking about the adoption all the time because it was created in honor of my beautiful daughter, but there are lifechanging things going on right now that I feel I want to get out of my mind...

Our adoption consultant gave us homework to complete prior to our next appointment, and this included doing our tolerances worksheet. Which in essences is what scenarios would you, as adoptive parents, be comfortable with when be chosen by particular birthparents. Some of these scenarios were so out there that I did become a little would you accept a child that has tested positive for cocaine, or what if the birthmother slept with two guys on a one-night stand and she didn't know which one was the baby's daddy would you be willing to accept the child...I'm sure these scenarios happen in real-life all the time, but this is the first time that these scenarios could possibly interact with my life. I'm not even going to get into the bitter venting about why God allows the crackmommy to carry her baby to term, but my baby had to die...I'm trying to let go off all of that baggage...obviously a long process for me. I felt so shallow by the time that we were done with the tolerance sheet, but I try to think of going into this adoption like a woman would go into a new pregnancy. When you're pregnant you want your child to be healthy and happy, and likewise I want the healthiest child that we can possibly get...why should I accept any less in my desires for my child just because I am unable to have children naturally?

Ultimately, I am learning that you have to take life as it comes at and weave, and try to get good hits in from time to time...and try to smile through it all...

Monday, February 16, 2009


We went to our first appointment with our adoption consultant, and it would be an understatement if I said that the meeting was overwhelming. The cost with this process is just ludacris! My hubby is adopted and it only cost his parents $300 in 1968, and we're estimating the cost of the adoption around $40,000 (and possibly more if the birthmother changes her mind, and we have to start over). We did get some flack for the sex preference, and we're really trying to stick to our guns on this subject. We're flexible on the race issue, but I really want a girl!

Oddly, the adoption consultant says that it works really well in our favor that we have no other biological children, can no longer have children, and Lily's story...Which if we didn't have any of those 3 factors than we wouldn't even be in her office.

This was our first real meeting to seriously discuss our adoption desires, and this meeting has left us with even more to evaluate.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


My dh planned a surprise valentine's dinner last night that was very nice and I had a wonderful time. My honey and I now have a custom to toasting to Lily at every meal, and she wasn't far from our hearts or thoughts last night. You can't help but think that if Lily were here that we would have had to get a sitter to go out last night, and how I would have been calling home every 30 minutes to check in on her. At the end of the meal we got up to leave and our very nice waiter said "I hope you have a great valentines day, angel." That term of endearment just took me by surprise, and maybe in some way that was God's way of saying to me that Lily really isn't that far away from me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Baby's Firsts...

Seriously, there is a baby's first card for every occasion! I can understand Christmas, but Valentine's day? I mean president's day is Monday...will there be card with Abe Lincoln holding a cute baby saying the pledge of allegiance? I'm becoming a bitter deadbabymama in this arena...I would like to buy a least one card without having to get smacked in the face with what my Lily won't be celebrating with me. What's a baby going to do with a card anyways? They can't read, and all they're going to do with the card is try to suck on it! Buy them a teddybear and stay out of the card aisle, already!

Friday, February 13, 2009

To go back...

The docs used Cytotec on me when they were trying to induce labor after Lily died because they thought that giving birth naturally would be my best bet on having successful births in the future. I was becoming critically ill and she was still inserting Cytotec in me because she was just insistent that a C-section at my stage of pregnancy (23 weeks for simplicity sake) would hurt my chances of having future children. I ended up having an immediate c-section...fully expecting them to take out my uterus while I was in surgery...because I was becoming so sick and they didn't know if I would make it if they wanted any longer to get Lily out of my body. When they opened me up it was discovered that I had had a uterine rupture and that Lily and the placenta were actually lying in my abdominal cavity. I can't help but wondering if they had gone in earlier instead of insisting that I give birth naturally would I have had the rupture and therefore have a completely useless Uterus? At least with a c-section it would have been a neat cut on my uterus versus the completely jagged ugly cut on the top of my uterus. I just wish I could go back to that day. I was going in DIC (look it up...the initials also stand for "death is coming"), pulmonary edema, and was septic when they finally decided to do the c-section.

I have a completely useless Uterus, but it does still manages to give me a great period every 28 ironic that it can do that part of its job, but not complete the ultimate job of keeping my baby safe?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Adoption Profiles

My hubby is a the epitome of the type A personality and has completed our adoption profile. It looks fantastic, and he put a lot of work into making it perfect. Its just a little strange making a book to "sell" yourself to a woman that is making the biggest decision of her life. There are so many things that have to be you put wedding pics into it to show how great of a marriage that you have, but what if her baby's daddy is a deadbeat and this makes her feel bad. Or putting how much education you have achieved, but what if she never graduated highschool? You can't help but feeling as if you are a piece of real estate~ everyone wants granite countertops, and a nice backyard...but what is going to make a birthmother chose you to raise her baby?

I'm prayful that the Lord already has our birthmother, and therefore baby, chosen and that she will just know without a doubt that we are the ones meant to raise and love her child.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

But I am your mom!

I had a dream the other night that has been bugging me and I gotta let it go. I dreamt that I was talking to this teenage girl (who was obviously my adopted daughter) and we got into this little squabble, and she's yelling at me and saying "you can't tell me what to do~ you're not my real mom!"

Its the REAL mom part that bugs me. Obviously, I'm having some hidden insecurities that I'm going to be looked at as some imposter mom, and that our child will always want their birthmom more than they will love me. Its gotta be natural though that our child will one day want to know who their birthmother is, and as of now, I feel like I would support our child in that endeavor. My hubby was adopted when he was one month old, and he has never really felt like searching out his birthmother. I just plan on being such a good mommy that, hopefully, they won't be searching for their birthmother, because they feel like there is something that they aren't getting from our relationship.

I get excited when I think of getting that call that we have been selected and then having this child placed in arms. I tell myself that Lily would want us to get her a little sister, and that she would want me to be the mommy that I didn't have a chance to be to her.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


So, I gave out Lily's photos to our family yesterday and everyone was very happy to finally be able to have a picture to put in their wallets. My mom started to cry because of how sweet and peaceful she looks in the photos. My dad put Lily's picture in the part of your wallet that your driver's license is supposed to go so that she would be the first person that he sees when he opens his wallet. I gave pictures to my nieces (because they have been begging for a picture of their cousin) and they were so sweet. They kept going "aww, look at her tiny feet " and "she just looks like she's sleeping!" My sister has been great with explaining death to them, and they know that she is in Heaven with Jesus.

I feel good about giving out the photos, as any proud mommy would be~ she is my firstborn, and will always be a member of this family.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Lily's photos

We are going up to visit my family today and I am going to give my family the new photos of Lily. I feel a wee bit like I'm cheating on her by giving out the touched up photos, but I have to be realisitic to the fact that the "real" photos of her are hard for some people to see. I think she is positively beautiful in her photos from the hospital, but I could be biased. I came home yesterday and cried about an hour straight while staring at a photo of her that was taken of her in my arms. The only time that I held my daughter. I just couldn't take my eyes off of her cute little arms and hands.

My sister is super excited to get the photos, because she is just as proud of Lily as she is her other niece (my brother's daughter). My oldest niece, Caitlyn, who will be 10 in two weeks has been asking of a photo of Lily for a long time, and this photos is perfect for her. Caitlyn and I have always been very close, and she has had a really hard time with grieving over Lily. She talks about Lily a lot, even writing a blog about how she feels like Lily kisses her on the cheek every night and that she talks to Lily everyday.

My daughter was born perfect and beautiful in every way, but I had to use a company to touch up her photos so that everyone else can see the same thing that I see when I look at her.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

morning sickness, and swollen feet? Better you than me!

Beth (Ada's mommy), Holly (Gregory's mommy), Hollie (Cameron's mommy), Tiffany (Brielle and Natalie's mommy) and Jessica (Georgia's mommy)~

I would like to give a heartfelt Congratulations to all of my deadbabymamas that have found themselves with child again, hey, I was going to use knocked up...You ladies have been such a wonderful support system for me during some of my darkest days, and I will be eternally grateful to all of you.
You lovely ladies are in my prayers everyday that the Lord watches over you and the health of the babies that are minding their own business and growing away inside of you. All of you understand how precious this new life is and to not take anything for granted~ these babies are getting some awesome mommies!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Feeling Left Out...

Ok, I'm really happy for all the deadbabymommas that are getting pregnant, but I'm seriously starting to feel left out. It feels like everyday I'm seeing a new positive pregnancy test...its just hard knowing that I will never pee on a stick again and get all excited to see the words "pregnant". All of my dbm friends are in my prayers everyday that their pregnancies will be healthy and that their new bundles of joy will arrive safely.

I am focusing all of my attention into the adoption and I guess my positive pregnancy test equivalent will be when I get THE phone call. Who knows~ maybe, I'll have my bundle of joy in my arms around the same time as all of my blogger friends...and to be a wee bit evil~ I won't have all that pesky pregnancy weight to lose :)


I normally share comments that I get from people throughout my day, and find a plausible reason why someone would say something stupid. I'm just chalking this up to absolute ignorance. I don't even care that she doesn't know about Lily, but the audacity of people to just so whatever pops in their mind is ludacris to me.

So, I'm talking to this girl today about what I did last night and she proceeds to tell me how great my life and marriage is because I don't have kids. Hello? My response to her was along the lines of "well, we want kids...we had a stillborn daughter in August, and we are probably going to adopt." Heavens help me its always the people with kids that say the dumbest things. I wanted to say to her "don't blame your kids for your crappy marriage." I mean really who says stuff like that without knowing whats going on in someone's life? The diplomatic person that I am just let my response speak for itself.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

6 months ago today...

My very existence was rocked to the core, and I haven't been the same since. Lily died 6 months ago today, and I hurt just as much as it happened yesterday. I've been trying to remember how it felt to feel her move around inside of me...I wish I had more time with her. I miss her so much, and think of her a million times a day. I should't have my daughter's urn on a bookshelf in my room...she should be 2 months old right now and in my arms. There just isn't anything else on my mind right now.

I love you, Lily. You are never far from my thoughts, and mommy misses you more than I could ever put into words.

Monday, February 2, 2009


So, my hubby has been getting his taxes done by the same lady for 15 years, and we still have her do our taxes since we have gotten married. She is super nice, and we catch up on everything that has been going over the year since we last saw her. Of course, we told her about Lily and she asked me if Lily ever took a breath, and I said "No, actually she was stillborn" and her next response was "well, if she had taken a breath you could have used her as a deduction." Now, I know that she didn't mean it the way that it came out, but goodness~ Never once while I was pregnant with Lily did I think to myself "gee, she is going to make a great deduction on my taxes next year" or after she died go "this is really going to hurt my tax return!" I know using your kids as tax deductions is just the way that the system works (I actually hate federal taxes and am a huge supporter of the fair tax)...I mean my brother and his wife had twins and they got a larger tax return then we got because of the earned income credit that they got for two kids, and my sister-in-law isn't even employed.

It just pained my heart to have someone ask me if my daughter took a breath or not, and it takes my breath away to have to answer "no" just so that someone could inform me that even our tax system doesn't consider my baby a person. I feel as her mommy that I am constantly having to defend her significance, but I know that this world is only temporary...and she is strolling streets of gold right, keep your stupid tax deduction!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Good luck?

Normally, I'm not a supersititous person, but I figure whats the harm at looking at every day occurences as possible good indicators of things to come in 2009. Yesterday, while at the tax office a cardinal (red bird) flew onto the windowsill and just sat there for the longest time. At first, I told my hubby that it being there meant that the cardinals would win the Super Bowl...he didn't like that because he is from Pittsburgh, so he is a huge fan of the Steelers. A lot of people see cardinals as a sign of good luck, and I think that little bird did his job seeing as we got money back from the government rather than having to pay! So, after that we went to Penny's to spend some of our tax return, because I want to do my part to stimulate the economy :), I found a quarter~ heads up~ in the dressing room...supposedly, another sign of good luck! Two good luck signs in one day!

So, not that I take these two things seriously, but I'm trying to only take in good vibes for 2009...and finding silver linings in the everyday is helping me to do just that....