Friday, October 5, 2012

Capturing your grief...

I knew that participating in Carly Marie's Capture your Grief project would stir up emotions that I've been bottling up for awhile and boy are memories and emotions stirring the last few days.  I've been so busy being a mommy to my rainbow that I truly have put being Lily's mommy on the backburner.  To be frank, one child needs me every moment to survive while one child doesn't. 

I received a very sweet thank you note from a friend today.  She gave birth a baby girl in July and I attended her shower in June.  Quite honestly, even 4 years later, I do shy away from attending baby showers but I will go if they're a special friend.  I no longer go to the ones out of some sort of social norm requirement.  Anyways, the special friend wrote that she's been thinking of Lily a lot and questioning why Lily and I were robbed of the opportunity to have a mother daughter relationship.  First, it takes a lot of empathy and love in your heart to actually put those thoughts on paper.  Second, it's been a long time since I've allowed myself to think of the actual day to day things that I miss with her.  Sure, there are the triggers still that I mentioned in my previous post but I just don't allow my mind to think about all the days that I've lived without her and (hopefully) the many days that I have yet to live without her. 

My heavy sigh that has been my way of coping without her turned to heavy sobs after reading the thank you note.  I went upstairs, held her picture to my chest and actually cried.  I mean, a ugly heavy, barely breathing type of crying.  I bet it's been a year (or, two?) since I've allowed my mind and my heart to feel that much...

I don't plan on doing the Capture your Grief on my blog but I am doing it on facebook and instagram.  Here are the pictures for the last 4 days (it rained all day on the 1st so there isn't a picture of the sunrise!):

Day 2: Before Loss self-portrait (the day before we lost Lily) 

Photo: Day 2 of Capture your grief (in observance of pregnancy and infant loss awareness): Before loss self-portrait. 

This pic was taken the night before we lost her.  That was the last pic taken of her inside me and the last day that my heart didn't have some degree of ache...
Day 3:  After loss self-portrait
This pic is important because I'm really, genuinely happy here. 
Day 4 A treasured item:
Lily bear (most of you will know LB, she was given to me when they pulled me off the ventilator.  This bear kept me grounded to Earth for days...
Photo: Day 4 of Capture Your Grief:  A treasured item 

They gave me this teddybear the day that they took me off the ventilator.  I think they knew the ache and emptiness in my heart and arms.  I can't tell you how I clinged to this teddybear who has been named Lilybear.
Day 5: A memorial
The heart inside reads:  We never lose the ones we love, they live on in our heart.
To participate in Capture your Grief as part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness then please go to Carly Marie's website here.