March for Babies 2010 team t-shirt

Here is the Team Lily Angeline team t-shirt for the March for babies 2010 walk!  I was looking for a way to incorporate both of my sweet babies.  I wanted to honor my sweet baby in heaven and a way to celebrate the life of my sweet 31 weeker! 

I think they turned out great and I'm looking forward to walking again in the walk this year.  It was a bittersweet walk last year...I cried tears for my Lily but was also cautiously optimistic because we had found out that we were pregnant with Cooper just two days before the walk last year!

This year, we'll all be taking turns pushing Cooper in his stroller for 4.5 miles! 

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Birthday...whatever...

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Tomorrow is also the second anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Lily. 

We all have planned out in our mind how our 30th birthdays would go and never in my mind's eye did I expect to find out that I was pregnant...God took away the pain of turning 30 and gave me the best birthday present ever!  Ugh, I had no idea the pain that was to come...I guess you never do :(

Tomorrow, I turn 32 and God has once again given me the greatest present ever...Lily's little brother, Cooper.  My birthday will never have the same meaning to me but I have a feeling that she's going to be celebrating with us... 

Mommy loves you, Lily...I think back to the first day that I knew about you all the time and play the moments of our time together on earth everyday.  I can't wait to see you again XXOO

I've been robbed...

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with Lily and that she was kidnapped from my body.  I'm trying to make a police report that my daughter has been kidnapped but they just keep telling me that there isn't anything that they can do.  Their reasoning is that there isn't enough evidence to show that she existed....and, that the people that I'm accusing of kidnapping her have an alibi...

Do I even need to tell any one you how I felt when I opened my eyes this morning?  The only thing that made me feel better was that Cooper was cooing and laughing in his crib and I could hear it on the monitor.  This dream is very self explanatory...I still feel in my heart that I was robbed of my beautiful daughter.  The not enough evidence part was that she was only 23 weeks and hadn't reached viability yet...and, I still blame that stupid doctor and hospital for all their stupid mistakes that night.  I blame the doctors for the misdiagnosis and if the abruption could've been stopped if it had been seen earlier and the hospital for losing my blood which held up the doctors from making plans...those are just two of the mistakes that I care to open up about right now...I could go into how I blame all of them for my uterine rupture and for putting me on a ventilator for 2 days which kept me from meeting my dead daughter even longer...but then this post would never end.  I felt panic in the dream has I'm just trying to get people to believe me that she did exist...maybe, this comes from my fear that we're moving too far away from the time that she was alive inside of me...too far from the day that she died...

Some nights I pray to have a dream of meeting her in Heaven...of holding her and kissing her and being able to tell her how much we love her and miss her...maybe, tonight will be that night...

It's always there...

Somedays it feels like she's been gone forever and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. I think about her everyday and find myself thinking about the most pointless questions, what if we went to another hospital or why couldn't God had given me just another week so that the doctors would've tried to save her. I feel like I let her down everyday and I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for failing her. People will tell you that its not your fault but oh, if it were that easy to believe. A new friend and I were talking about Lily the other day and she asked innocently if anything was wrong with Lily and that was why she died. How do you not internalize the guilt when you say that she was perfect but that your stupid body failed your child. I really wish I could've heard her cry just once but that also means that she would have died in my arms. I'm crying as I type these words. I just miss her and it doesn't seem to matter the time that goes by..."really" thinking about her always leads to tears.

Why me? Why anyone really? Do any of us really deserve this pain?