Sunday, November 30, 2008
Fear
Today my hubby and I went to see Australia (a must see for you hopeless romantics~I cried more times than I wish to admit) and a wonderful statement glared in my face while getting comfortable with my chick flick. The moment didn't even happen during the moving, but during the opening moments when the studios name is featured on the screen...I can't remember the name of the studio because I was so fixated on the quote written on the ribbon below their name... "A life lived in fear is a life that is only half lived"...at that moment I realized that I have lived this life of fear since August 3, 2008. When I returned to work after my 8 week medical leave I was petrified of seeing any of the 3 babies that my boss's daughters had given birth to recently or seeing the very young pregnant girl that works in a different department. I'm petrified of going out to eat and seeing the good looking couple carrying in their new baby into the restaurant, and even more terrified to see if this baby is a girl. I feel less trepidation for some reason if the baby is a boy, and I suppose this is because I had a baby girl. How to "snap" out of this fear is something that I don't know how to do just yet, and I don't know if I'm even ready to move to the next stage yet. I know that I can't hold in this "fear" spot forever, but its so hard to let go of this feeling...
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3 comments:
I think that fear is normal. I've been there too. I definitely know what you mean about seeing baby girls. If I see somebody with a baby boy it really doesn't bother me that much, but if it's a girl it's a totally different story.
Fear is sometimes all-consuming for me as well. I definitely feel the same way. When I see baby girls, it does not tear at my heart the way baby boys do. Maybe just realizing that you have too much fear, will help you in that situation.
I think realizing it is a key step, but also realizing that you can't stay there forever or it consumes you. You are in mourning... your fear is natural and very much needed to heal your heart, but let it heal. It does not mean you are forgetting her or the memories you shared. I think the biggest part of the fear is that if you let it go, what else do you have to cling to that is yours, that creates this bond between you and lily and your husband. I hope you can also see all the other wonderful memories and bonds created and focus on them... not the pain of Aug. 3 but all the times before that. That will help unlock the fear. I love you very much and think of you daily.
-E
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