Thursday, July 28, 2011

Not in the mood

I'm the vice-president of our mom's club and we had our board meeting this morning. We're trying to hammer out the August calendar of events and they wanted to go get frozen yogurt on August 3rd. They don't know the significance of this date but I just said that I couldn't make it on that day...Would it hurt to get frozen yogurt on her birthday with my and Cooper's friends on her birthday? No. I just don't want to.

I don't want to go and act that my heart is all light and fluffy with a group of (lovely) people that have no idea what I'm feeling. My hubby and I are both having a difficult time with Lily's 3rd birthday. I guess because 3 years sounds like such a long time.

I want to wake up on Wednesday and take care of my boy, Lily's brother. Light her candle. Maybe, make heart shaped pancakes. I'm going to take her boxes to the hospital and pick up some pink balloons. I just want to be close to my family on that day. I'm even going to skip bootcamp. I just don't have it in me to be fake that day. Her day.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Beautiful, heartfelt cards

Let's face it, there are NO hall.mark cards that are going to be adequate in the way of babyloss. Our community and our babies are too depressing for the general masses. So, thank God for a fellow babyloss mom, Franchesca who is mommy to sweet Jenna Belle. Franchesca is also the talent behind Small bird studios which I'm sure many of you are familiar with :)

I bought this beautiful card to go inside Lily's boxes. It says "I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. May the peace that passes all understanding surrond you." I knew this was *the* card the moment that I saw it...

If you're in the market for a baby loss card (and, I hope you're not...) but these cards are beautiful. She also does cards for families with a baby in the nicu. She's sadly familiar with both those worlds, nicu and babyloss...Thank you, Fran, for providing us with these beautiful pieces of art that convey exactly what our hearts feel xoxo

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Lily's memory boxes

I've been working on the boxes for Lily's birthday for the last couple of weeks and I'm almost done! I'm compiling the list of books on grieving and I have to find the perfect words for the beautiful cards that I bought for the boxes. The cards were designed by Franchesca and they deserve a post all their own which I will be doing in the next day or so!

But, here are the boxes so far! :)

A teddy bear to cuddle, a blanket to wrap around the baby and take home with them, a journal to write down all the emotions that will come up in the hours, days, weeks, months following the baby's passing, a disposable camera, a picture frame and a hand (or foot) mold.

I'm going to decorate the outside of the box more about right now I have pink and blue baby hands and feet stickers.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011 event..

I created a event page for Lily's birthday but only invited my blm and closest family and friends. Mainly, I left out friends that although they're kind, they just wouldn't get "it".

This is probably evil but I check the people who've clicked "I'm attending" and I add them to my true friends list. And, I'm seriously debating dropping the friends that either click "not attending" or are ignoring it all together.

It's a VIRTUAL event just saying that you'll think of Lily, light a candle or release a balloon in her honor. You can think of her from your couch! No one has clicked "not attending" as of yet but there are several names on the pending list and it's actually kinda hurting my feelings now. I guess these feelings come from the fact that I go out of my way to remember a lot of babies of my fb blm friends and I will be kind of irritated if they ignore her birthday.

I don't know maybe my emotions are just getting high because her birthday is only a few weeks away.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Just ramblings...

Yesterday was 3 years since we got the funny shock that Lily wasn't a boy and was a girl! I remember how excited I was to be having my girl and our first stop was babies-r-us. All of those clothes are still on their hangers with tags on them. I never got to the washing and folding of them. I'm glad that I still have all those clothes, too. They remain my link to that time with her.

I've decided to not do a big family party for her birthday this year. I've chosen instead to do the memory baskets and a balloon release that day. We're also planning on a day trip for the 3 of us on the Saturday prior to her birthday. More about the location later :) If you would like your baby(ies)'s name included on the balloon then please leave me a comment!

I'm almost done with the memory baskets! I've got to buy the baskets, one more hand/foot mold and the teddybears and they'll be complete! I never get to spend time or money on anything for her anymore so I do *enjoy* working on these projects.

My last thought for this post. I love her. I miss her. The end.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Faces of Loss

Faces of Loss is currently in the running in Pepsi's refresh project that awards $25,000 to an community organization that "refreshes" the world. How can the subject of pregnancy loss every be refreshing but think of the good this money would do to help the babyloss community. How many more families will be helped after the loss of a baby if Faces of Loss were to win???

We can do this, people!

Please take the time to VOTE!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Prayer request...

I'm not at liberty to elaborate but I would like to ask all of you to pray for a family that is going through a heartbreaking time in their lives. God knows who they are and He holds them in His hands.

I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about why God does what He does. I've come to terms with the fact that this question has no answer. I'm currently reading Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place and she touches upon this question but with a very beautiful and eloquent answer:

"Some knowledge is too cannot bear it...your Father will carry it until you are able."

I've always contended that my human heart couldn't possibly understand why we've been chosen to carry this particular burden but we all have our own individual loads to carry. Why the load has never been too heavy hasn't escaped my attention. He helps me carry it everyday.

I love you, Father God, for never leaving my side and for always carrying the load just enough to make life a joy again.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Lily's birthday...

I just got off the phone with the volunteer department at the hospital were Lily died. Oddly, I'm not really sad but in a place of numbness. Really, this is her 3rd birthday and I should just be used to this...but, then again, how does someone get used to doing things in memory of instead of a celebration, especially when you're talking about your child????

My plan is to make 3 breavement boxes to be passed out to a grieving families. I wanted to include things in the boxes that I wish I would've had when Lily unexpectedly died. Two of the most important things being a disposable camera and a hand/feet mold kit. The other items will be a baby blanket, a teddy bear, a journal, a picture frame and a list of suggested reading to deal with the grieving process...

So, I ask all of you, my babyloss momma friends, what book especially helped you during the grieving process?

Sunday, July 3, 2011

35 months...

I remember writing my 23 month post just like it was yesterday. The month before another year flips over is very surreal to me. I cannot believe that she's going to be gone for 3 years in a month. 3 years.

How much has changed in 3 years and still so much as remained the same. Three years ago, I was told that I wouldn't be able to give birth again and to look at adoption. Now, I have a very active, happy, and loving 20 month old that did grow inside my crappy uterus. The thing that remains the same is I consider my role as a babyloss momma to still be just as important as when that role began on August 3, 2008. My heart still loves and misses her as fiercely. My desire to talk about her and to give her life meaning still remains.

So, I'll live the next 30 days the same way that I've lived the last 35 months. I'll wake and thank God for another day. Another day to love and remember. Another day to raise and enjoy Lily's little brother. Another day to live and make my way back to her...

(And, a big shout out to Kelli for solving my commenting problem! I'll be commenting again, yay!)

Saturday, July 2, 2011


Am I the only one still have problems leaving comments on blogs???? This is very frustrating because I am unable to leave any words of support, to comiserate, or enter any of your wonderful giveaways!

I have noticed that I can't leave comments on the blogs with a comment box but I can if you have to hit "leave a comment" and then the box comes up. If any of you know how I can fix this please leave me a comment, lol!