Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I was SUPER shocked to receive 2 butterfly charms for my Pandora bracelet from my in-laws. Yes, the in-laws that normally act as if Lily never existed. And, they did it because of Lily. Christmas miracle, I guess!
My sister gave me a card telling me that 10 trees were going to be planted in Lily's honor at Seminole State Park! Oh, I cried. I'm supposed to get a certificate so hopefully we'll be able to visit the trees soon!
All of these gifts for Lily didn't make me sad because I knew that she was attending the grandest of birthday parties with Jesus! Can you imagine? I hope Christmas was gentle on you, dear friends, as well ((hugs)).
Friday, December 23, 2011
I took Lilybear with us and even changed out her normal pink ribbon for some Christmas ribbon to match Cooper's suit. For new readers, Lilybear is the bear that we got from the hospital when Lily died. She's in every family photo :)
My hubby had a hard moment when we first got there because there are all these pics on the wall of siblings together. His eyes filled with tears and said that he wished Lily was there to take pics, too. This is our third Christmas without her and even though it's gotten easier, there are still those moments that your heart just aches...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.
I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?
Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
So, onto the winner! I used a random number generator (random.org) to pick the winner, even took a pic :)
And, comment number 24 is Bree, The Traveling Teacher! Please, send me your contact info to email@example.com and I will get this lovely picture to you pronto!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
For new visitors, my name is Jen and I am the proud mommy to Lily, who was born stillborn at 23 weeks due to a placenta abruption. We had tried for 18 months and endured 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her so our lives just crumbled when we lost her. We got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Cooper, about 9 months after losing Lily. Cooper was born at 31 weeks due to complications from placenta increta. He has done so much to bring joy back into our hearts and our home again. We miss Lily every day. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't say her name or think about how life should be...
So, I saw this butterfly wall decor while shopping and knew that it would be prefect for this giveaway. I'm going to make this so simple and all you have to do is leave a comment with your baby(ies) name(s) and leave your blog address because I would love to come visit! I will pick a winner using a random number generator. OH, and you must be a babyloss parent to participate! Thanks!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My hubby and I had our 4th date night in 25 months last night (I purposely did it on December 3rd knowing that it would be nice to give my mind something else to look forward to) and it was a really nice night. We had a couple glasses of wine and made a toast to our sweet girl every few minutes. We just toasted to her how much we loved her and missed her...
Thank you to those that lefts words of support on my last post. Mostly, thank you for not trying to force me off the bitter train and allowing me to feel anger. Sometimes, just listening and not trying to fix something is the best that others can do so I appreciate it! xoxo
Friday, December 2, 2011
I mean, I'm just so pissed at the universe that I can't give Cooper a sibling. I know some people chose to just have one kid but I've always wanted 2 and not in the way that I have 2 kids. I'm just so pissed that I don't have a choice in the matter. So, now I get to listen to others bitch about morning sickness or how they want to deliver at 37 weeks. Get the hell over yourself because you sign up for 40 weeks!
I'm in a really pissed off and bitter mood. My SIL was telling me about a 19 year old that she works with that is on her 3rd kid. WHY HER? Why did my body do this to me? Why? Why? Why?
NO one would ever tell normal people to just be happy to have one kid and stop but everyone thinks I should just be happy for the one that I have...I'm just pissed. Let me be pissed.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Today, I am thankful for the blessing of being a mother. I always say that Lily made me a mother but Cooper made me a mommy. A mother is carrying a child inside of you, loving this child and willing to die for that child. A mommy is being in the trenches, changing diapers, wiping up snot, doing anything and everything day in and day out. I'd die for Cooper in a heartbeat, too (hence, not terminating him at 17 weeks like the docs recommended). I LOVE knowing that there are 2 humans that were given life because of me and my husband loving each other.
I wouldn't trade this blessing for anything in the entire world!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Day 25- I'm thankful for the book Someone Came Before You which I bought off Ama.zon the other day to give to Cooper for Christmas. It talks about the baby before him that never got a chance to come home. He's still to young to understand that he has a big sister and that he's really not an only child. I included a picture of the cover because it's heartbreakingly sweet...
I swear I'll have some deeper thoughts on thankfulness as this 30 days starts to wind down!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I'm in no way endorsing the current state of our schools but I am saying that I'm ready for it to be back in session next week. I'm thankful that Monday through Fridays I am able to enjoy being out in public without it taking twice the time that it normally would because school age children are running amuck. Go back to school...thanks ;)
Monday, November 21, 2011
I obviously suck at doing my thankful posts on the weekends, lol...
Day 19- I am thankful to be a citizen of the United States of America! When I was pregnant with both of my babies, I would talk to them and tell them that I may not be able to give them every last thing they'll want but I can give them the blessing of being born in the greatest country on the planet. I can be totally pissed at Congress but I would never live in another country. I will visit other countries and buy souvenirs but that's it!
Day 20- I am thankful for my family. I'm thankful that when we need each other emotionally that everyone steps up. Yes, we have disagreements like all families but I know that in the end that they're always there for me...
Day 21- I am thankful for good and reliable transportation. My car battery died twice this weekend and thankfully my hubby was there to jump my car off both times. He went and bought a new battery last night and I was so happy that it started up with no problems this morning! I feel badly for the people that have to take the bus in inhospitable weather and I really never want to be one of them. Again, I am spoiled, and I readily admit it. I remember taking public transportation a lot when I was a kid and don't want to do it now unless, of course, in an emergency...but, thank God that public transportation is there for those that need it!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Today, I'm thankful for day's like today. A day where there is nothing planned and we just went through our day without a care in the world. I got to sleep in, we had lunch out, we went shopping and then we had a simple dinner at home.
I'm so happy for my life with my boys. I don't care what we're doing just so long that we're together...
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Today, I am thankful for my blogs, especially Lily's blog, because I've been blessed to become friends with some awesome human beings! Most of the friends that I have made along this journey are fellow babyloss mommas but some are just people that happened upon my blog and for some reason they don't think I'm crazy and keep on reading, lol...
I have a group of blm friends that have been there since virtually day one of this crappy journey. I found a group of women that knew exactly what I was feeling and knowing that I wasn't alone was so freeing. I hate that other women know this pain but I didn't feel so alone in my isolation anymore.
I have one (known) male reader and I just love that he reads my blog posts and gives such awesome and caring advice. He doesn't make me feel like some crazy hormonal mom that needs to let things go. I won't point you out but you know who you are and THANK YOU.
I've had a few opportunities recently to meet some of my blm friends! Here are some pics :)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Well, let's get the "I'm thankful for my health" post out of the way. We should all be thankful if we're healthy but let me put it out to the world that I don't take it for granted. The only times I've not been completely healthy is when I was pregnant other than that, I'm good to go, thank God! I need to lose weight but I'm working on that...
I was reminded last week while my son was in the hospital about how precious your health really is. My heart clinched each time that I saw a child with no hair so it was obvious that they had cancer. I'm even more grateful for my child's health because I can't imagine how those families must feel to see their little ones go through something that could take their child from them. Oh, it brings tears to my eyes to even think of it.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Which leads me to making my blog as public again. I'm going to remove the post with Lily's pics because they're sacred to me but I want this blog to serve it's original purpose again of being an outlet to newly grieving babyloss parents. I want them to know that they're not alone and that there is a community with open arms that's ready to embrace them and give them love and support.
So, I guess that means I won't be using (much) profanity again, lol...
Monday, October 10, 2011
There were two other families at my hubby's work that were expecting babies in December 2008 when I was pregnant with Lily. We were all like a week apart in our due dates but they got to bring home their babies whereas mine died. I know this shouldn't matter but both of these other ladies already had kids at home and Lily was my first so Christmas 2008 sucked ass. Maybe that's not sound logic but their houses were already brimming with kids and ours was ridiculously and unnervingly quiet that Christmas. The echos of the what-could-have-beens where bouncing off the walls.
My hubby's work had a function on Saturday and both of those other ladies with their almost 3 year olds were there. Seriously, at one point, I wanted to throw up. Their lives should be my life. I should be chasing a three year old around, too, damn it. And, I know it's not a big deal but one of the ladies referred to her daughter as a drama queen and that pissed me off. What I wouldn't do to deal with Lily's drama everyday.
I don't know. I'm pissed.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I've decided to make Lily's blog private. I know I'm going to lose readers which makes me sad but I think making my blog private will actually allow me to share more. I worry about people in real life reading this blog and sometimes hold back. This will give me the opportunity to be 100% honest. There is more to me than what I've share so far, hard to believe, huh?
I'm going to leave things public for a few days but if you would like to continue following then please send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Jen, Lily's mommy
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thanks so much! xoxo!
Christy (Leila's mommy)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Can you please lift her and her family up in prayer today and for the days to come...No mother should lose one baby and losing 2 just beyond tragic.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Three years have past since I touched your skin
In my heart it feels like a day
A different man now lives in this body of mine
A broken creature who holds the same name
For me there is no bright side to see
No silver lining within this dark cloud
Some look skyward and force smiles from pain
But my soul shrieks screams that are loud
I have tried to find some peace since you left
I have tried thinking of the grander plan
But none of those thoughts have a chance to replace
Dreams of my smiling girl holding my hand
Eternity in heaven will be great someday
Being with you should put pain in the past
That future should make me forget these years that we lost
But my focus on the present continues to last
I can’t not let go of the anger I face
Each morning as I welcome the day
I’ve been robbed of the very most precious of gifts
And I can’t wipe my need for vengeance away
I am sorry that I can’t heal the way I should
I want you here so much it hurts
But no matter how nicely I spin this disaster
My upward looking turns downward to the dirt
After all this time my wound is fresh as new
My life that remains is often hard to manage
Some would think that a wall wouldn’t miss one small brick
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
2. Sometimes life is just unfair. Crappy things happen to good people all the time. Yes, your child dying exceeds the definition of crappy but you get me. And, yes, I'm totally defining myself and my hubby as good people because we are...
3. Life is precious. Every single heartbeat and breath is a miracle. Another day to be YOU. There is only one YOU. That's why I miss Lily still to this day. There can never or will ever be another HER.
4. This is how love should be:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4"
This is the love that I have for her every.single.day. Yes, I love my hubby, I have since our second date! True story! And, my love for him also fits this description but I don't think I truly acknowledge this true and perfect love until I lost her.
5. Years take away the sting but they don't take away all the pain. I don't cry every day, heck sometimes, I go months now without crying BUT I miss her everyday.
6. Live your life with purpose. I want to make her proud. I will never allow her to fade into the background so everyday I will strive to be the best me. Whether that best me is moody one day and super sweet the next day, I will always be there for others.
7. It's the little things in life that people notice. I will always say "please" and "thank you" to others. I will always hold the door open for the person leaving the store at the same time as me. I will always say "bless you" even to a stranger that sneezes. I will occasionally (hey, I do have a budget, lol) buy the coffee for the person behind me in the Star.buck's drive thru. I will tell my hubby and child that I love them every.single.day. I will play with Cooper even though I'd rather sit on the couch. I will kiss his cheeks as many times a day as possible. I will sweep the floor everyday because I know it makes my hubby happy. I'll never let the sheets go a week without being washed because I know my hubby loves to sleep in a clean bed.
8. To always, always love life. Don't ever take it for granted.
Happy birthday! I LOVE you!!!! Watch for your balloons today!
I can't wait to give you hugs and kisses one day, sweet girl..
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Jen of August 2, 2008 wouldn't even know who she was looking at now. How much stronger and weaker that I can be all at the same time. My faith in God unshakeable on August 2, 2008 despite 18 months of trying to conceive. Her death rocked that faith to it's foundation. Most days, my faith is solid but other days, I still question. The Jen of August 2, 2008 would've never done that. Maybe, the Jen of August 2, 2008 took things for granted and was naive because "bad" things like losing a baby never happen to loving, God-fearing people. They do everyday.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up and time will still be moving. But, tomorrow will all be about HER and what she's taught me...Tomorrow, I won't wonder what 3 years and one day will feel like.
I love you, sweet baby. Forever.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I don't want to go and act that my heart is all light and fluffy with a group of (lovely) people that have no idea what I'm feeling. My hubby and I are both having a difficult time with Lily's 3rd birthday. I guess because 3 years sounds like such a long time.
I want to wake up on Wednesday and take care of my boy, Lily's brother. Light her candle. Maybe, make heart shaped pancakes. I'm going to take her boxes to the hospital and pick up some pink balloons. I just want to be close to my family on that day. I'm even going to skip bootcamp. I just don't have it in me to be fake that day. Her day.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I bought this beautiful card to go inside Lily's boxes. It says "I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. May the peace that passes all understanding surrond you." I knew this was *the* card the moment that I saw it...
If you're in the market for a baby loss card (and, I hope you're not...) but these cards are beautiful. She also does cards for families with a baby in the nicu. She's sadly familiar with both those worlds, nicu and babyloss...Thank you, Fran, for providing us with these beautiful pieces of art that convey exactly what our hearts feel xoxo
Saturday, July 23, 2011
But, here are the boxes so far! :)