My second Christmas without her...

and I miss her just as much as her first Christmas. This year though I do it with less tears because after awhile you (actually!) do cry less but the ache still pangs your heart.

What makes this Christmas different is that we do have a baby in the house this Christmas. We've been sent 5 baby's first Christmas ornaments and they all look beautiful on the tree. He has 3 different baby's first Christmas sleepers which I have to put on him for the next 3 nights. I spent hours finding just the right stocking to hang in between my stocking and my hubby's stocking. He's only 7 weeks old but he has presents underneath the tree. Doing all of this for Cooper reminds me of what I'll never do with Lily.

I will always go out of my way to not show the pain in my eyes as I celebrate Christmas with my son but in my heart the day will never have the same luster without Lily here to celebrate with us.

I can only imagine what a beautiful day it will be on Christmas day in Heaven. What a delight all our babies will have as they attend the birthday party of all birthday parties! Knowing what a glorious day she will have celebrating with our Saviour makes me anxious to get up there myself!

Lily,

We miss you not just during this time of year but everyday of the year. We love you without ceasing and you live forever in our hearts. Can you please give Jesus a big happy birthday hug from Mommy, Daddy, and Cooper? We know He is taking good care of you until Mommy can be with you again...

My heart forever,
Mommy

Will it always be this way?

Will December 3rd always be a day that stabs me in the heart when the alarm clock goes off? When will I be able to look at December 3rd as just any other day?

December 3, 2008 was Lily's due date...why should December 3, 2009 hurt so bad?

I should have a baby girl turning one but instead I still mourn for all the dreams that will never come true. I know my heart should be light because I have been blessed beyond words for the life of her little brother, my son...but, I continue to miss her deeply everyday.

Everything about Cooper reminds me of what I will never know about Lily. Her hair color, eye color, and temperate will always be a mystery to me. My dying question and when I meet God will be "why couldn't you have given me both of them?" Especially when you consider all the stories that you see on Nan.cy Gr.ace of people that kill their children and on a lighter degree of people that I know in real life that don't take care of their kids worth a crap. Why me? Why my baby?

December 3, 2009 I will get ready and drive to the hospital to love on and hold my rainbow baby and wish that Lily's death had never occured and we had never weathered that storm at all. I will hold him and tell him how much I love him and wish that those are words that Lily could have heard in my arms.

Please, don't take this post as if I am ungrateful for my son's life. Please, read these words as a mommy that just misses her daughter.

Lily's gift to her little brother...

Do you guys remember the onesie that I bought as a gift from Lily to her little brother? I gave it to him today...I was going to do it on December 3rd because that was her 2008 due date but decided to go ahead and give it to him today. (Mostly because he's growing like a weed and I was worried that he would outgrow it soon!)

I just wanted to share some pics from today with all of you...

I was skeptical that I would actually have a baby to put this on when I bought this onesie...but, I should have known with a certain little angel on our side that he would arrive safe and sound...

Thank you, baby girl and your little brother loves your gift...

I'll love you forever

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be...

Many of you know this verse from the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I read this book to Cooper nearly everyday at the NICU. A lump formed in my throat as I completed this book (yet again!) yesterday to my sweet baby son because it occured to me (however late) that this book applies to both of my children.

Lily won't ever keep me up at night or destroy my cell phone by dropping it in a glass of coke (hehehe, Aimee) but I will love everything about her forever. She did however make mommy pee every 20 minutes but I liked every trip to the bathroom because she was here.

Needless to say, she will always be MY baby. She will always be my first miracle. When I tell her story I will always be able to say "my RE told me that I'll never get pregnant on my own and I was already pregnant when he was speaking those words!"

Becoming a mommy again and being able to spend time with my son has taught me truly how magnificent a mother's love is...it's different from the love that you share with your spouse, your family or friends...You still have to manuever through those relationships dependent on your views on life or pasttimes...BUT, a mommy's love is instantaneous...there are no conditions to what you will do for your children...

And, this instantaneous love happened when I met both of my children...it continues after Lily's death and doesn't stop...being with Cooper only makes my love for her grow even more...

I'm not over her...

I think it goes without saying (unless you've experienced a loss) that people assume that a new baby fixing everything. That a new baby makes you forget the one that you've lost but that isn't the case.

I spent the whole day at the hospital with Cooper but came home and held onto Lily bear and cried. I feel blessed beyond belief to be Cooper's mommy but my heart aches that I never heard her cry, saw her face change expressions, or felt her wiggle as she slept on my chest.

I don't think I'll ever be at a point in life where I'll be at peace that Lily isn't here. I'll never be at a place where I don't tell people that Cooper is my second child. Cooper is my pride and joy but Lily holds a very dear place in my heart that can never be removed.

I love her. I still miss her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her without love and yearning.

She's my firstborn and my beloved daughter. And, you never get over that...

He's Here!!!!

Hello all! This is not Jen, it is her DH as you all like to call us. I am Jen's husband Chuck.

What a surprise....Cooper Henry was born today at 11:01 AM at 31 weeks and 1 day!!!!!!

He weighed 4 lbs even. 16 1/2 in long. He was breathing on his own at delivery with an APGAR score (I Think that's how it is spelled) of an 8 at birth and a 9 after 10 min.

Jen woke up to small regular contractions today and back pain. The Dr's didn't want to let them continue due to the rupture, so they let us know today would be the day. This is the best hospital ever!!
They had her downstairs and ready for delivery in 10 minutes. I was at home doing laundry at the time and getting ready to bring lunch to my honey. We live 20 minutes away, but I made it here in 8 min.

Right now Jen is resting and in some pretty significant pain. They had to do a classical scar instead of the traditional cesarean incision. This will be a more difficult recovery, but all she cares about is that he is doing good and his Doctor's are very positive about Cooper's progress. They estimated that he may require the NICU for 3-4 weeks.

I/She will keep you all posted on his progress in the next few days.

This may be my only chance to address you all, so I have to say thank you for all of the sharing, stories and support you gave to my honey in the last year and two months. You all have been a real blessing to us all the way from Lily to Cooper.

I miss you, Lily

Dear Lily,

I miss you so much more these days. I think of all the things that I've missed doing with you and my eyes water and my throat clenches when I think of having to live the rest of my life without you.

We had a babyshower for your little brother yesterday. My heart was so conflicted as I tried to put on a brave face for all the guests and how I wish we were able to do all of this for you, too. Your Aunt Aimee made a speech for you at Cooper's babyshower. I was crying because she called you Cooper's guardian angel and about how you were with us at the shower, too. She made a beautiful sign for you and even gave us a beautiful frame with an angel and a baby on it. Everyone in the family wishes that you were here to celebrate with us.

I think about you being here and how I would have two babies in diapers! You would only be a year older than you're brother. I think you would've been a great big sister! Of course, you and Cooper would have days where you would drive each other and mommy crazy, BUT all those days would be worth it if you could be here, too. Daddy miss you a lot, too. We talk at least once a day about how wonderful it would be if you were here because they house would be evenly divided! Right now, mommy is outnumbered!

Please, know that we aren't moving on without you. Life is that way but you are never far away from our hearts and minds. We know you're watching down on us and especially you're little brother. There isn't one of his kicks that doesn't remind me of how precious you are and of how precious life is...

I'll love you eternally,
Mommy