March for Babies 2012

We're participating with the March of Dimes' March for Babies for the 4th year in a row! We're very excited to participate again and I actually met with a rep yesterday to give her some suggestions. One suggestion has been nagging on my heart since our very first walk...

I've been troubled by the lack of acknowledgement for the babies that don't make it and who will never attend a walk. I remember wearing Lily's tiny purple hat on my shirt and wondering why her life felt insignificant amongst all the celebration. What about her life? The life that is just as important as her brother's life, the life that she never really got to live...

I mentioned this to the rep yesterday and I didn't want to but I actually shed a few tears...I keep my emotions in check rather well, I think, but the tears came anyways. I would love to have just a moment of silence for all the precious little feet that will never take their first steps. I originally did the walk in memorial for Lily and took every step with her in my mind and on my heart.

It's my life's mission to be the best possible mother to both my babies. So, if that means that I have to be extra vocal so that her life and the lives of all her friends are acknowledged...then, bring it on! The rep was very receptive to suggestions and I do hope that she took them back to the decisionmakers...who I don't mind talking to, also!

I talked to some other blm friends and other cities do some type of memorial for the babies that don't make it...it's time that the Atlanta Chapter get on board...

Side note: You can donate to our March for Babies time by clicking on the badge to the right :)

Valentine's Day

I'm thinking of you and your sweet babies today as we celebrate Valentine's Day. Our love for our babies never dies. It lives on today and everyday...

I sent a Valentine's day themed pic to those of you that have made recent name requests so please check your email...

Love to all of you today and always!
Jen, Lily and Cooper's mommy

Daughtry "Gone to Soon" Dedicated to those who have lost a child.

A fellow blm and friend shared this on facebook today and I just sobbed. I can't put into words how much I still miss her...

Grab the tissues!

To my loves~

I found this Willowtree figurine at Cracker Barrel the other day and thought it would be perfect for Lily and Delilah! My loves waiting for me...

She's not forgotten after all~

I was delighted by a few gifts this year that were specifically given in honor of Lily! My hubby gave me the first one (not that he'd ever forget her!) which is this beautiful Willowtree figurine. I had shown it to him while shopping for Christmas cards at Hall.mark and he didn't pay me much attention or so I thought. This figurine really stood out to me because of the lillies that she's holding close to her. Also, Lily would've turned 3 at the beginning of this month so she would be a little girl now and not so much a baby anymore...



I was SUPER shocked to receive 2 butterfly charms for my Pandora bracelet from my in-laws. Yes, the in-laws that normally act as if Lily never existed. And, they did it because of Lily. Christmas miracle, I guess!

My sister gave me a card telling me that 10 trees were going to be planted in Lily's honor at Seminole State Park! Oh, I cried. I'm supposed to get a certificate so hopefully we'll be able to visit the trees soon!

All of these gifts for Lily didn't make me sad because I knew that she was attending the grandest of birthday parties with Jesus! Can you imagine? I hope Christmas was gentle on you, dear friends, as well ((hugs)).

Christmas

I took my rainbow baby (gosh, I guess, he's not so much a baby anymore being that he's 2 but he'll always be a baby to me, lol) to have Christmas pics taken last Saturday at Se.ars. Oh, the experience was horrible. Not with Se.ars but my 2 year old wanted NOTHING to do with having his picture taken. They were so bad (and, he's very photogenic! Really, I'm not being one of those moms!) that I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. I had a hard time using my coupon they were so bad! I ended up buying one of their Christmas collages with Santa on it and used the best pic and the worst pic of the bunch for a naughty and nice theme.

I took Lilybear with us and even changed out her normal pink ribbon for some Christmas ribbon to match Cooper's suit. For new readers, Lilybear is the bear that we got from the hospital when Lily died. She's in every family photo :)

My hubby had a hard moment when we first got there because there are all these pics on the wall of siblings together. His eyes filled with tears and said that he wished Lily was there to take pics, too. This is our third Christmas without her and even though it's gotten easier, there are still those moments that your heart just aches...

My heart is haunted...

I've gone to bed and have woken up for the last few weeks with the memories of meeting Lily for the first time. I could talk about how beautiful she is and how much a mother's love is forever but my thoughts lately have been about feeling guilty. I feel so horrible and guilty that I only spent about 30 minutes with her. Those 30 minutes were basically spent holding her, sobbing and apologizing over and over to her for failing her. I didn't know what to do. I just sent her back to stay in that refrigerator...

I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.

I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?

Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...