Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm sure many of you in the babyloss community are familiar with Robyn Bear. Robyn was fundamental in getting October 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I received this video via the monthly newsletter and wanted to share this with all of you. This video was made by a fellow dbm to educate others on how losing a baby affects every aspect of your life. Please take a moment to watch this video but be prepared to cry so have some kleenex close at hand.

Another reason to love October is that this is the only month that the issues surronding the babyloss community are openly talked about and we can remember our babies without feeling like we need to be "over them already..."

Hugs and love to all my fellow dbms...

Monday, September 28, 2009

October is almost here!

Sweet Bree did this for me...I love Halloween as you can tell from my backgrounds on both of my blogs! I love everything really about the entire month of October~ the cool weather sweeping in, the gearing up of football season, the leaves changing colors, all the fall festivals, all the cool Oktoberfest beers coming out and all the Halloween fun!

Every holiday that's followed August 3, 2008 has sucked to be honest. Your mind instantly drifts to how every holiday is going to rock when you find out that you're pregnant. I forced myself last year to pass out candy and we didn't attend any Halloween parties. I didn't watch any Georgia football games even the GA/Fla game (if you know me IRL then you know how psycho I get about that game). My heart just wasn't into any festivities.

My heart is healing some and I'm getting back into the old me. This year I'm in the hospital but we plan on spooking up my room this weekend. I'll pass out candy to the hospital staff as a thank you for all their excellent care. Although, my mother has a premonition that Cooper will be born on October 30th...

I'm still not watching the GA games though. I get really violent during football season. I never curse except during football games...its like Satan takes over my body and I need an exorcism. I figured all the stress isn't good for me or Cooper...my blood pressure shoots through the roof. Don't ask me why this comes over me...it just does!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

T.L.C. sucks

The channel that is...so many shows remind me of what I will never have with Lily. Here is a list of the most abusive shows to a grieving mommy~

A birth story~ I worry everytime a baby girl is born that her name will be Lily. I cringe when I see the pink outfit that they put on her to bring her home and when they show the girlie nursery.

Toddlers and Tiaras~ not because I was going to put her in beauty pageants, but because I will never take my daughter to buy dresses or get mani/pedis. I will never teach her how to put on make-up or watch her dance or sing.

Say yes to the dress or any other wedding show~ I will never celebrate with her as she finds the man of her dreams or help her find the perfect dress. I won't have the *pleasure* of spending over $20,000 the give her the best day of her life. I will never see the love of my life walk his princess down the aisle or have his father/daughter dance.

No matter where I look there are reminders of all the things that I won't have a chance to do with my Lily. For whatever reason all my emotional pain falls on this channel but I can't take my eyes of it none-the-less.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

She still takes my breath away...

I was sitting here alone and opened up Lily's photo album and tears sprung to my eyes and pride filled my soul to overfilling. I just looked at her tiny, perfect body and felt such an overflowing love for her. I spent time looking at how her little fingers were curved, how her feet were crossed at her ankles, and the little bit of earlobe that stuck out from underneath her cap. I have tears in my eyes now as I wonder how much Cooper will look like his big sister.

I had someone unintentionally hurt my feelings about a month ago by the comment that I will never know true love until the place Cooper in my arms. Obviously, this person wasn't thinking and I politely told her that I already learned about true love on the day that I met Lily. Absence of her heartbeat did not change mine...every beat of mine continues to love her.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

You can't help but think back~

Being in the hospital does take me back to the last time that I was a patient in the hospital. The last time that I was in the hospital I was mourning the death of my daughter and this time I lay in the bed trying to prevent an emergency and loss of another baby. I do get asked by every nurse that comes on duty about what happened in my previous pregnancy (hopefully, the nurses will become more regular and I don't have to repeat the worst day of my life a million times.) I know the nurse's on this hall see a lot of sad things, but they have such a nature sense of empathy that sharing the story of my pregnancy with Lily has been cathartic.

I brought my photo album of Lily with me to the hospital. I almost brought Lily bear but decided against it because I would just fall to pieces if something happened to her. We talk about Lily when we're in this room. She's always missed even as we plan for her brother. Life is surreal right now...that its difficult to find all the right words to explain how I feel day to day. You don't want to let go of the past as you plan for the future~

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Update #2 on JJ

Erica sent me an email regarding everything going on with little JJ and is okay with me continuing putting updates here so that all of you also know whats going on. Erica did have a c-section with JJ and while the doctors were pulling him out they broke BOTH of his legs. Poor little guy as if he didn't have enough going on! He is unable to move his legs (he was unable to on u/s, too), but does cry out when his legs are touched. They did put the shunt in yesterday and everything is looking good so far there. They are putting a feeding tube in his tummy today so that he can get all the nourishment that he needs. Doctors still don't know why all of this is going on with JJ which I'm sure is frustrating for Erica and Stever. Erica did tell me that she is a celebrity at the hospital because they had to do the craziest c-section to get JJ into the world. They had to come up with a never used stitch to close up her uterus!

Continue to lift this family up in your prayers as they have a really long road ahead of them. We believe in you, JJ, you can do it! And, we love you Erica, stay strong!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Update on JJ

JJ Orner was born today at 10:15 AM weighing 6 lb. 10 oz and was born with the conditions that the doctors diagnosed during Erica's pregnancy. Erica continues to be her loving self giving me well-wishes for going to the hospital tomorrow which is incredible to me considering all that she has going on! I will continue to update as Erica sends me texts...

A fellow DBM needs our thoughts and prayers!

Okay ladies, we have to get our prayers going today for Erica and baby JJ! I received a text this morning from Erica and got her permission to update all of you on how she and JJ are doing currently. Erica was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday for Pre-E and this morning it appears that her water has broken. Erica is 35 weeks pregnant with JJ and many of you will know that JJ's condition has been stumping doctors for months now. Erica and JJ need our prayers, thoughts, and loving vibes today. I'm sure this is a scary day for this family. I've been prayerful that JJ comes out into this world and just shocks all those doctors that around every turn were trying to convince Erica and Steve to terminate the pregnancy.

Please, pray for Erica's safety during the c-section and for the health and safe delivery of little JJ. I will update as I get word from Erica~

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Thank you!

Thank you to all my 22 week well-wishers and I'm thrilled to say that I woke up this morning to a little baby boy kicking my insides on week 23!!!!!! We still have a long road ahead but I tell you that psychologically I am PUMPED UP! Thank you, Lily for watching over your little brother!!!

We had a great appointment yesterday at the peri so please travel over to Cooper's blog to read an update on my baby boy and the fabulous condition of my untrustworthy uterus!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Just wait...

Unwanted advice is always to come whenever you're expecting a baby and it really didn't get on my nerves when I was pregnant with Lily. It was my first time being pregnant and any tidbit of information was a nugget that I tried to hold in my mind (and, you know how your mind is when you're pregnant!) But, this time around the advice is getting old. What's really pissing me off is people telling me to enjoy bedrest because my life is completely going to change when Cooper arrives. UH, really?

My life was supposed to completely change 9 months ago, but my life changed in an completely opposite direction. I would have loved to stay up all night with a cranky baby. Instead, I cried myself to sleep every night holding onto a teddy bear that the hospital gives parents when their baby dies. I would love to be able to chase around my baby girl thats learning how to crawl. I would love to change her diapers. I am thankful beyond words to have the hope that all these milestones will come into my life when Cooper is born, but for people to act as if I'm not aware of all the changes in my life really gets me. I prayed and cried when those milestones where taken from my life when Lily died...You've never seen a mommy more ready to change diapers, to wipe tears, or lose sleep, than me...or any other dbm thats on the journey to a rainbow baby.