Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My heart is haunted...

I've gone to bed and have woken up for the last few weeks with the memories of meeting Lily for the first time. I could talk about how beautiful she is and how much a mother's love is forever but my thoughts lately have been about feeling guilty. I feel so horrible and guilty that I only spent about 30 minutes with her. Those 30 minutes were basically spent holding her, sobbing and apologizing over and over to her for failing her. I didn't know what to do. I just sent her back to stay in that refrigerator...

I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.

I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?

Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...

7 comments:

AKD said...

I only spent about 90 minutes with Maddie, and it hurts so much. I wish we could have one day back.

E said...

What else could you do? She was gone. Even if you had spent a whole day holding her it never would have been enough. Because you should have spent the rest of your life holding your daughter and you were robbed of that. Big hugs. I'm so sorry.

Holly said...

(((Hugs))) im so sorry. I wish we all could have had so much more

brigette said...

You are far from a shitty mom!! You are amazing and have been a great example to me! I am so sorry you have these haunted memories though. I do agree holidays make it so much harder! Please know im praying for you and think of Lily often!! Hugs mama

Joshua said...

Big hugs, lady. And get a snuggle from Super Cooper. It is, after all, his superpower.

Sarita Boyette said...

Jen, I think we all were in shock at the time our babies passed & couldn't think straight. I never got to hold Meredith and I should have FOUGHT HARDER for that. But I was confused, shocked, & drugged with a shot I didn't want. At the time, all we BLMs did the best we could, I truly believe. I'm so sorry you have been having these thoughts. You are a wonderful mother & I believe Lily knows that. God has surely told her about her parents & brother & how much they love her. xoxo

Julia said...

I wish I had been of mind and courage to hold John. We do the best we can in the moment and though it is so very hard, we have to try and make peace with it. I'm not sure I will ever though....