Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
2. Last week, I was listening to a Christian radio station that does a daily family name game and they do this game every hour. The gist of the game is to call in if you have a "insert name" family member and to tell them something neat about that person. Well, this woman had called in and was talking about her daughter Bethany. I thought to myself "Gosh, I wish my daughter were here so I could talk about her." Two seconds later the announcer says "the name for the next hour will be Lily." Now, I listen to this station EVERY single day and they've never called Lily's name! Literally, I was wishing that she was here then her name is the next thing that I hear!
There have also been those times that I'm down about something and in that exact moment a butterfly will drift by or I'll smell a scent in the air that smells like lilies even though I don't have blooming lilies in the house. I always thank God aloud for these moments. I always feel so close to Him and my sweet girl at these times.
Here are some suggestions from Naming the Child related to signs:
- Keep in mind that although parents often experience signs and dreams they can remember, this does not occur in every case. It is wise to be open to signs, but not to seek or expect them.
- Keep a journal of your experiences after your child's death. Although you may think that your memories will never fade, many do, and you may need to go back to certain dreams or experiences for comfort. If you have a good dream, write it down as soon as you wake, even if you wake in the middle of the night. The record will be worth the lost sleep later on!
- If friends and family are skeptical of your experiences, don't let their response mitigate your joy. Some people are not able to accept things that they cannot understand with their rational minds.
- Seek out friends who value your experiences and insights and let the conversation grow with time.
- If one of your children has a dream or experience that brings comfort, encourage them to draw a picture of what they saw or write it down if they are able.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I wish she was here...but, alas, all I have are some new ornaments that I bought for her.
Lily's House of Hope will be up and running again very shortly. For those of you that don't know, I had surgery in November but I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. If you would like your baby's name in Lily's house then please send a request to email@example.com
Sunday, November 28, 2010
This rebellion lasted about 8 months and coincidentally we got pregnant with Cooper the very next month. Again, I started going back to church religiously until I was put into the hospital at 24 weeks but I belong to a huge church that is televised so I watched church on t.v. in my hospital bed. We started going back to church the first Sunday in April (RSV season was over) and one of the songs that we sang was "Shout to the Lord" which some of you may know is Lily's song. I thought "wow, how neat that this would be the song that we would sing on the Sunday that we came back!"
We've missed several weeks due to Cooper's stranger anxiety and seperation anxiety. Both of these anxieties seemed to happen overnight, like one day he was totally cool with other people than all of a sudden, he hated everyone other than my hubby and me. Interestingly enough, these anxieties ended the same way! He's back to a social butterfly!
We went back to church this morning and what song do they sing but "Shout to the Lord!" I started crying, yes, in the middle of church infront of God and everyone. It's like she was telling me that she was happy that we were back in the Lord's house. I can't explain it any other way! I felt like she was all around me during the service...I was sad to leave...
OH, how I miss her so much still...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I woke up suddenly and my mind was consumed with Lily. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't fall but my heart hurt. I felt like I was going to throw up actually. My whole body was in agony last night with missing her. I try to not focus on the negative aspect of grieving which is idiotic...how do you even do that?
I've done it the last month or so by keeping myself busy and not allowing myself the stabs in the heart. The stabs that come from noticing that the heart shape sticker in the Walgreen's ad for the flu shot has the name Lily written on it. The stabs that come from walking through the therapy waiting room and hearing "okay, Lily, it's your turn!" The stabs are everywhere...
I just miss her. The days have turned into weeks and the weeks in months and the months into years and the grief still stabs...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Emalee has a new project that she is doing in her son, Kenner's , memory. I hope all of you will go over and see some of her other works.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Bryston and Colton (twin boys) went home to Heaven on August 15, 2010
Rylan went home to Heaven on May 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I think back to the smiles and joy that I've felt everytime that I've received a pic with Lily's name and I hope to now be able to give that same joyfulness to a angel mommy or daddy. Please, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to receive one of these pics!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
We had breakfast on Saturday at one of our favorite places and I had one of "those" moments. One of "those" moments where your mind drifts to what life would be like....I wrote this after coming home on Saturday while Cooper was taking a nap and my honey was working on a project. It's those quiet moments when you're alone that your heart and reality meet that brought me to write this piece:
The Empty ChairI couldn't help but think of you as I looked at the empty chair. I couldn't help but look across the table at your daddy and think of all we've been through since we got married. Then I looked to my right where you're little brother sat in his high-chair and I smiled. I give him a quick kiss on his cheek and tell him that I love him. I look to my left and there was the empty chair.
The empty chair where you should be sitting in your booster seat. My mind races to what I would've ordered you and how fun it would've been to watch you color on the kid's puzzles that the restaurant gives all the kids. My mind has the daydreams but my eyes see the reality of the empty chair.
A table for four with a family of three was never so painful...I didn't cry...no one even knew where my mind and heart was...You get to be an expert at having "those" moments undected after 25 months...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
My heart will never be quite the same but I do feel it easier to be happy. I miss her and love her but these feelings no longer paralyze me. These feelings used to be so overpowering that I couldn't think straight. I don't feel guilty about this tide of change in my heart. I know this is what she wants...in my core, I know she knows that I think of her everyday with a sweet love that only a mommy can give...I don't feel tortured by this love anymore. That sounds so harsh but I used to be angry at having all this love for her in me and not being able to show her this love. I now know that living my life in a strong and proud way is showing her my love. I now know that not allowing her death to kill me is the way that she would want me to live the rest of my life.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Our pregnancy was picture perfect until the day that she died.
We went had gone to garage sales all morning looking for baby stuff. We had lunch at Little Azio's and had gone home to take a nap. I played on the computer some and the moment that I stood up from my desk is the first time that I noticed the pain. I laid down thinking that I just had gas. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn after 15 minutes because I knew that something wasn't right. I felt her kick and flip as my hubby raced to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitors and I wasn't contracting and Lily was doing beautifully. They said that it must be my appendix and lined me up for surgery.
An hour before I was to go into surgery my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and all I remember is panadomium. People were everywhere sticking in catheters, putting an oxygen mask on me, and literally squeezing the iv fluids into my veins to get my blood pressure to go up. They brought in the u/s machine to check on Lily and her heartbeat was already in the 90's. Even if they could've gotten her out it was for certain that she would've been braindead. There just wasn't time. I remember looking at my hubby and my doc and saying "please, don't let her die. I can't lose her." I knew by the look on their faces. My hubby got close to my stomach and told her that we loved her and to go to Jesus. He watched her heart stop. No daddy should have to see their princess die and I know he carries that memory with him every day. They say that she died from a complete placenta aburption.
The next 15 hours are too painful to write about today. How do you put into words how it feels to have your dead baby inside of you? How do you put into words the feeling of your world crashing down and knowing that any dayto come will never be the same?
The uterine rupture happened some time that day. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. The sweet nurse that pulled the tubes out of my throat said "I'm so sorry. Please, let us know when you're ready to see your daughter and we'll bring her to you." My hubby handed her to me and she was dressed in a white dress with a cross on the front. She had a purple hat on and was wrapped in a purple blanket. She was perfect in every way. I think about the day we "met" all the time...I caressed her cheeks and told her how sorry I was for failing her. I tell her the same things today. I miss her and love her so very much.
I think it's good for me to look back on this day. My heart has gone through so much since then. I didn't know how I was ever going to live without her and then God blessed me with her little brother. He has brought so much joy to us. Cooper has reminded me how much there is still to live for in this world.
Lily made me a mother and Cooper has made me a mommy. The difference is subtle. You become a mother the moment that you have life living inside of you. You become a mommy when you live the day to day trials of watching your heart live outside your body.
Both of my children are my greatest accomplishments. I see little parts of Lily in Cooper. Sometimes, I see her when I look down at him when he's sleeping and I feel God's grace around me at these times.
I know that I'll see her again and my heart takes comfort in our reunion.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The name of the article is "The Baby I Lost and the Life that She Gave Me" by Katharine O'Connell White. The article is perfect in every sense of the word. She goes over how hard it was to see certain onesies, her "before" life, and all of her emotions when pregnant with her rainbow baby (our term not hers). This lady is a doctor and actually lost her daughter in the very hospital that she worked in. I had tears in my eyes as she discussed how her doctor friends gave her daughter CPR for 30 minutes. Actually, I cried a lot while reading the article as this was the first article that I could actually identify with every word and could feel every emotion.
I'm thankful to Mrs. White for this article as it seems like pregnancy loss and infant death are still taboo subjects. Her final sentence sums it all up perfectly "My pain will never fully go away and I'm still happy. I'm not fine in the old way: the knee-jerk "I'm fine" that won't allow doubt or fear. But I am, actually, in a deeper, truer way, fine."
I'm thankful for Glamour for adding in an article that shows that pregnancy loss isn't the cooties. You won't have a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death by acknowledging that it does happen everyday! It's not some "subject" to be ignored and for baby loss parents to "suck it up" and just "get it over it already". The death of a baby is personal but it is life changing...
(This article is in the September 2010 issue)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I think we need to keep in my mind that she is entitled to her own opinion. It is her blog where she should feel free to express them. There are a lot of blogs out there that I don't agree with and I stay away from those blogs. We've all been faced with people in our real lives that don't want to see pictures of our babies. We've all faced people in our real lives that want us to "get over" our babies. This is a stranger to all of us (I'm assuming) that voiced this opinion on her blog. Granted, she did use some vile words that I would never use and I don't agree with her delivery BUT again it's her blog. We can't censure how people feel or write/speak, right? There are more like her in the world. She won't be the first and she won't be the last! She has been very fortunate to not have the experience of losing a baby and I pray that she never does. Everyone needs to keep writing their feelings with the pictures of their precious ones as they did before this blog came into light. There will always be those that don't agree with how we cope with our grief. Who cares in the grand scheme of things? (I know that many of us went to this blog in defense of one of our own and I do feel very sad for what was said about her and her mother. I know that both of them are strong believers in the Lord and I've been in prayer for their peace about all of this. Please, don't misunderstand my intentions as if I'm agreeing with this blogger.) ETA: I know this is not going to be a popular opinion but I'm just putting this blog into the place that it needs to be because it shouldn't change how you do your blogs and our opinions aren't going to change how she does her blog...
Her words did make me look at myself and question if Lily's blog has put a wall up to my healing. Honestly, in ways I think it has. I've questioned stopping the blog several times over the last year. I even had my last blog post typed in my mind but then I would always meet a new babyloss momma and start reading her blog. I've also developed so many friendships in this community. These friendships are dear to me so I've stuck around. I've wanted Lily's blog to be a lighthouse to new babyloss moms that feel like they've been dropped into a world of dark. I've wanted my words to show them that they're not alone. I hope that I've done that in the last two years.
Lily's absence will always be present in my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she were here with us. I love her. I miss her. Her death has changed me in ways that can't be formulated for description.
I'm in prayer for a new direction for Lily's blog. I feel a chapter opening in my heart that is ready to celebrate her short life and not grieve it's loss. As a believer, I know she is rejoicing and she's probably ready for me to be really *happy* I need to find that peace that I spoke about recently. The peace that I said was unobtainable. I'm in search of it and I know that I will never find it without looking forward.
I'm in prayer for ways to make both of my children proud that I am their mommy. I've been pondering ways to still be involved in the babyloss community as a source of friendship and kind words. I've got some ideas that I need to develop fully before I reveal them to all of you.
My intent is to not leave this community. It is your friendship and kind words that have sustained my faith in God and have allowed me to find forgiveness in my body's failings over the last two years. I will be taking some time away though to figure out how to navigate this new direction.
I've had 731 days to mourn her death and now I'm in search of ways to celebrate her for hundreds and hundreds of days more...
Much love to all of you and God bless,
(If the thought of living without me makes you break out in a sweat(totally joking) than feel free to check out Cooper's blog at www.asurpriserainbow.blogspot.com)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You have been gone for two years today and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about, loved, and missed you. I have to be here for your brother now but I still look forward and daydream about how wonderful it will be to see you again. I'm going to try to not cry (much) today but rather celebrate everything about you.
I love you forever,
Monday, August 2, 2010
We woke and ate at our favorite breakfast spot. We drove around to garage sales. I read an article as we drove around to my hubby about how you're not supposed to eat soft cheeses while pregnant. We stopped and ordered a pink carpet for Lily's nursery and bought her two UGA pacis. We ate lunch at a pizza place. We went home for a nap. We woke up and played on the computer. The moment that I stood up from my computer desk is the moment that I felt the first pain. I kept the pain to myself for about 15 minutes but it was becoming worse with each passing minute. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn (this was also the last day that I didn't think she was the biggest idiot on the planet) and she said that she'd meet us at the hospital. I felt her kick as we drove and I just prayed so hard to protect her and to not let her die. My prayers would go unanswered as we watched her die on the ultrasound machine at 12:30 AM the next day.
My heart and my life haven't been the same since this day. This was the last day that I didn't walk around with longing. The last day of my membership to the world, to the life that doesn't know this pain.
I've wondered time and time again how I would've done this day differently if I'd known that this was my last day with her. Honestly, I told her that I loved her everyday. I read her a bible story every morning. I had a chance to whisper "goodbye" and that I loved her while her heart was still beating. What more could I have done for her in her short life? She knew she was loved and wanted. She still knows that I miss her and that my love hasn't weakened.
I wonder how many more August 2nds that I'll live through before I hold her again?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Most days, I feel acceptance of my life. Let's not confuse acceptance with peace. I don't know if we ever get to a point where we feel peace but maybe there are those that do. Peace is a long way off. The angry days are mostly gone...key in on the word *mostly*.
Most days, I don't hate the people that I deem unworthy of the gift of having all their children living and breathing. It's not their fault that their kids are alive. The only thing that I wish they realized is how extraordinary a gift it is...
Most days, I still have problems seeing little girl things. This even goes for all of you. Sometimes, it still hurts when I see those of you that were able to pass down your girl things to your rainbow babies. Not your fault. I know how blessed am I to have a healthy son so please don't start with the counting your blessings...it's a feeling even if some of you think it's irrational...
Everyday is filled with memories of my short time with her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself for not kissing her cheeks...WTH was wrong with me that day?!?!
I don't cry as much but I still miss her and think about her everyday. I still love her and mourn the events that we'll never share with each other. Do we ever let those go?
In essence, I feel like I've made a lot of progress but not quick enough, I'm sure, for a lot that know me in the real world.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I got a pic of Lily's name in the sand while we were there...
The little angel says "I will never leave you" and I carry it in my pocket with me just about everywhere I go. I take it out of my pocket and clutch it in my hand during the "I'm missing her" moments. There is no replacement for actually having her here but the angel does bring me comfort...
I'll be taking Lily pics for the video montage until next weekend and I would love to see her name in any creative way! I'm amazed at the creativity in our community and I can't wait to share some of the pics that have been sent already! Lily pics can be sent to email@example.com
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I noticed one of the stories and the date of death for their baby was my birthday. I thought to myself "that day was the worst day of someone's life and I was sitting in the movies...." Then, a lot of people were carrying on their lives while my world was falling down around me...
Pregnancy loss or infant death will strike someone's family this very second. A heart is breaking and a world is falling apart before I finish this sentence.
It's been almost 2 years since I lost Lily so the pain has become bearable but right this very moment a mother and father will feel like they can't breath and they'll wonder how they will every live a normal life again...
Babies dying happens everyday...A woman's dream for her baby will never come into fruition...
This mother will ask herself "why me?"...my new question after nearly 2 years in this new normal is "why anyone?"
No one deserves this pain...no one...but, everyday the pain is handed to a new family...
Monday, July 19, 2010
I was wondering today if she ever thinks about me or Lily. I was wondering today if my daughter's death ever affects her. I know she sees so many patients and I'm sure she's seen a lot of babies die...but, I imagine she can't be responsible for many patients ending up on a ventilator. It's all her fault. Maybe, not Lily's death but certainly for everything else that followed that day.
God knew Lily was going to die that day. But, she was the one who misdiagnosised me with appendicitis and we lost countless hours as the placenta abruption became catastrophic. She was the one who kept "riping" up my cervix with Cyto.tec even though my body would never go into labor. She was the one who insisted that I should give birth vaginally although I had a fever of 102, was on 5 liters of oxygen, and was receiving 4 pints of blood because my blood count kept dropping...I couldn't have pushed Lily out anyways because she was no longer in my uterus.
In the end, it would be discovered that I had a uterine rupture and my sweet Lily (and her placenta) were lying in my abdominal cavity. I had pulmonary edema and septicemia. By the time that it was all said and done I received 9 pints of blood. I was going into DIC which has a technical term but it also goes by Death Is Coming. I ended up on a ventilator for 2 days. I was supposed to be on longer but I think my body was pissed and I kept waking up...even through the coma inducing medicines.
I think about parts of that day EVERYDAY but I'm sure that I don't even cross her mind. All of the doctors in her practice that rounded on me during my hospital stay were telling me how "distraught" she was...poor thing! It didn't keep her from wearing her children's pictures all over her lab coat when she came to see me on my discharge day.
I'm just another patient to her and Lily was just another baby...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Her clothes stayed in her drawers and her things stayed in her room until that room became her brother's room. I packed up her clothes, folded her crib bedding, and placed her stuffed animals into a large container...then, pushed that container into the closet...
Why have a large container of carefully chosen with love items to be unused...Logically, I know that they can be put to good use and that there is some sweet baby girl that could use them but my heart isn't *there* yet.
I don't know when my heart will get *there* but it doesn't feel like soon...sometimes, I wonder if I need to be tougher with myself and that I've put way too much thought behind items. She never used them but I bought them for her. There are certain items that I can touch and it takes me back to those days when I could feel inside of me...
I can't get rid of them because I want something to hold, to cling to when I need to feel how life felt with her here...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I now have a new joke (it's an old one to the world but one that I've just recently started throwing out) which is the old "one and done" addage. I've given up the fight that makes me want to tell everyone about her short life. Now, I should add that I do talk about her with people that I know I'm going to have a relationship with such as the moms in my community mom's group. They also know that I can't have anymore babies so I can put to rest the whole "so, when are you going to have another one?"
The need to tell the waitress who is ohhing and ahhing over Cooper on whether we have more kids or are going to have more kids has dwindled away. That's what the world does to you.
In my heart, I would love to be able to tell the dry cleaner, the waitress, the check-out girl at Pub.lix, the stranger in the Carter's section at BRU all about my sweet girl but why get the pity look from someone that you most likely will never see again? I would love to pour out my soul about how it feels to know that your body can never physically carry a baby again but why hear the "I'm sorry" when you know that they're just popping out the niceties? Maybe, they're giving real emotions but really, they won't think of Lily or my lost uterus within 10 minutes of the end of the conversation...
The world has given me some bitterness to replace the guilt but really, as her mommy, it's my job to keep her memory alive in our family and friends in the small part of the world that I call my own. We are the ones that love her. We are the ones that will never forget her and I think she knows that...actually, I'm sure that she does...
Friday, July 9, 2010
It was way too early for reminders...although, life is the reminder, isn't it?
Thank you to those that have sent Lily pics so far! I LOVE all of them and a smile spreads across my face each time that I see a new one in my inbox! I love Lily pics all the time but would love to have some for her second birthday for a video montage...Lily pics can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks :)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sometimes, I try to will my fingers into remembering the softness of her skin or the weight of her fingers on mine. I try to will my arms into remembering the weight of her body in them. I try to will my eyes into remember all of her tiny features...
Sometimes, I try to will my heart into not hurting so bad but have found that all of this "willing" doesn't really work...
I have my pictures to remember all of her beautiful features...I have a blanket that held her body and Lilybear to cuddle when my heart is hurting...I guess these things are better than nothing, ehh?
I'll be putting this at the end of each post just as a reminder: Special request~ Lily's 2nd Heavenly birthday is August 3rd (where does the time go?) I would love to see her name and compose a video montage for her birthday so if you have the time and inclination to take a pic with her name that would be such a blessing! Lily pics can be emailed to email@example.com Thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
In some ways, her death feels like it happened yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago...
We went to a Fourth of July parade yesterday and I had to stop myself from saying outloud "this day would be perfect if Lily were here..." because wouldn't everyday be perfect if she were here...but, alas sometimes I think to myself if I would truly appreciate everyday with her if she hadn't died? Do most non-baby loss parents every stop to think about the very precious gift of life if they've never been through the death of a child? Would I be one of those head-in-my-ass type of people if my life had not drastically changed with her death on August 3, 2008?
Just ramblings, I guess...I just miss her so much...
Special request~ Lily's 2nd Heavenly birthday is August 3rd (where does the time go?) I would love to see her name and compose a video montage for her birthday so if you have the time and inclination to take a pic with her name that would be such a blessing! Lily pics can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org Thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I've seen two different shows recently where there was a stillborn baby (both shows dealt with multiple births)that needed to be born which I was actually impressed with because Heaven forbid if we talk about the fact that not all pregnancies end up with pink or blue balloons on your mailbox and happiness jumping out your a-hole...Then they do stuff like the following...
Both of the births were c-sections and I'm totally assuming but I guess this is standard practice in higher multiple births. So, the first birth actually blurred out the dead baby...like blurred out like they do when a primetime show is showing nudity. The other show completely acted like the other baby didn't even come out as in completely moved to how much the live baby weighed and showed them ohhing and ahhing...
I was just so put out for the other baby! In fairness, I'm sure it's a crazy emotion to have one baby to come out screaming into the world and know that your other baby won't make a sound...it was just the total censuring of the other baby that peeved me...
It's like how I was made to feel weird for carrying pics of Lily in my wallet...or, how some people didn't bother to come to Lily's memorial...Why is it so weird for a dead baby to be shown to the world??? Babies die people...fact of life...it sucks but it happens everyday!
I love to show my daughter...ask me anytime of the day and I will pull out the pic of her in my wallet...actually, it would be my pleasure to show you because she's beautiful in everyway...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I remember the first days, weeks, months after she died I would wonder how I would feel after one year...been there and her absence was still a stabbing jab to every part of my being...now as her 2 year angelversary draws near the stabbing jab is still there...
My friend was telling me about a cute redheaded toddler girl the other day and the pang was still there...I think it was a combination of her being so close to Lily's age and the redhair...
I sobbed while watching the Real housewives of N.J. the other day as I watched Teresa throwing a diva party for Gia...I will never plan a happy birthday party for Lily...instead I'm already planning another memorial luncheon for my family...(anyone know where I can buy butterflies to release that won't cost me an arm and a leg?)
My question is the same today as it was 22 months ago...why me?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Why do so many of us have to know this pain???? Why?!?
There are no answers for us down here...NONE...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I just loved this lily so much that I planted it in our front patch of yard (we live in a townhouse!) and every May it pops up...I get so excited when the lilies start to bloom! I took these pics yesterday of Lily's lilies, as they are so affectionately called :)