Friday, May 28, 2010

WHY!?!

I can't tell you how many memorial videos I've watched over the last 22 months made by grieving mother and fathers...I cry everytime...It doesn't matter that I don't know this family in real life but because I know THAT pain...that gut-wrenching, cry so hard that you can't breath pain..the pain that you don't know if you can survive it pain...AND, THEN I GET ANGRY...

Why do so many of us have to know this pain???? Why?!?

There are no answers for us down here...NONE...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Lily's lilies

We bought an Easter lily for Easter 2007...this lily is actually the reason we decided to name our daughter Lily if we were ever so lucky to be blessed with a daughter. I know for me, at least, I prayed that we would at least be pregnant by the following Easter...3 days after Easter 2008 is when we got our positive pregnancy test...

I just loved this lily so much that I planted it in our front patch of yard (we live in a townhouse!) and every May it pops up...I get so excited when the lilies start to bloom! I took these pics yesterday of Lily's lilies, as they are so affectionately called :)




I feel like she is so close by when her lilies bloom...just not close enough...Thank you for the beautiful flowers, my love...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dear Lily,

Today, I sent up a balloon for you...it wasn't for any type of anniversary...it was a just because we miss you balloon. Also, I know you and Ella were celebrating her little sister's birth and all parties need balloons!

I miss you, honey. Yesterday, I held your sleeping brother on my chest and cried for you. I cried for all things that we never got a chance to do. I looked down and saw that one of my tears was rolling down Cooper's cheeks and it almost looked like he was crying, too. I think of you everyday...

I love you, baby...
Momma

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Finally...

So, on a Baby.story there was a real couple with a pregnancy loss discussed...their first pregnancy was with twin boys that were born at 27 weeks (one was born stillborn and the other twin lived 12 days and died from an infection)...they discussed how scary it was to get pregnant again and how long the 9 months seemed to feel after losing their twin boys...the mom said one thing that really stuck with me "No one told me that babies could die..."

I thought to myself, "I knew that babies could die...I just didn't think that it would happen to me."

This couple did go on to have a girl (their first rainbow baby) and the episode was about the birth of their son (2nd rainbow baby)...and, honestly, these people were so much humbler than any other couple I've seen on this show because they truly understood how precious each life is and how your life can change in a heartbeat...

Monday, May 10, 2010

I went to buy a sympathy card today and was dismayed at what I saw...there were cards for the loss of your mother and father...the loss of a PET (now, I know they can become LIKE family...) but there wasn't one single card for the loss of a child...

So, I picked the sweetest generalized sympathy card that I could find...I'm sure there are cards that are specific to the loss of a child but should I really have to look that hard??? It's obvious that infants/children die everyday...

Or, is it still too hard for the average person to be confronted with that fact???
I found myself in tears last night as I looked at Lily's pics on my blog. There are days that I can look at them and smile but last night was one of those times that I cried...maybe, it was Mother's day...

And, I think honestly it was a mixture of sadness and guilt...because yesterday, I found myself being happy...

The happiness with Mother's day was a new emotion...and, it made me feel guilty because I truly went hours yesterday with easily being happy and purposely trying to avoid any unhappy thoughts about missing my Lily...

Lily has been gone for almost 2 years...I do go more days and sometimes weeks between cryfests...My heart feels like taking her memory box out of the safe...of holding her dress from the hospital in my hands and pressing it into my face...

Missing her this much makes me feel ungrateful sometimes...

All of these crappy emotions floating in my head just because I was happy...I tell myself that as long as I don't let Cooper see these emotions throughout the day and if I'm a good wife that it's fine to feel all this when I'm alone...

August 2, 2008 was the last day that I felt completely SANE...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I wish she was here...

Sometimes, I wish my mind back to that day so that I can remember the way her little fingers felt on my hands.

Most days, I hate myself for not kissing her cheeks...why, didn't I???? For not spending more time with her...

I miss her...

I hate how many "mommy's first mother's day" cards I received this year...as if Lily's job of making me a mommy never existed...

I love her with every beat of my heart...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Heartbroken and another prayer request

I belong to a Uterine Rupture group and a PAR (pregnancy after rupture) baby is always a source of excitement and joy...One of my dear friends, Nichole, was pregnant the same time that I was with Cooper...Her baby boy, Wyatt, who was 4 months old, died last night for causes yet to be determined. I'm in total shock and started to cry as soon as I read the e-mail...My stomach is sick and I don't know how I will fall asleep tonight...

So many doctors tell women with uterine ruptures to not have anymore babies (most of us, including Nichole, lost our babies during our ruptures) so when one of us defies the odds and brings home a baby...We all feel triumph...We cheer each other on...we hold each other up when we're feeling down...we're sisters in a faulty uterus sorority...

And, we feel heartbreak for each other when something devastating happens...is there anything more devastating then the death of a child...

Please, pray for this family in the next hours, days, and weeks to come...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

You are my Sunshine

I sing this song a lot to Coop during the day and he especially loves it when I do a silly voice and have a dancing stuffed animal involved..but, I normally stay away from the second verse as I find it very depressing...the second verse (for those of you that don't know it)

The other night dear while I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, but when I woke dear I was mistaken, and hung my head and I cried...

How many times have you woken up from a dream about your baby...and, had the sad realization that it was all in your head? I've had a lot of dreams in the last nearly 2 years that I was sad to wake up from...happy to be given another day but sad to have to live it without my daughter...

So, I stay away from that verse and focus on the upbeat verse...with the feel good words that bring a smile to Cooper's face and that smile is what makes me happy when skies are gray...

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Thinking of all of you and your sweet babies today~ Wishing all of you a peaceful day~