Saturday, March 21, 2009

Clifford the big red dog~

Sometimes, I have little tidbits of memory that pop in to my mind from being in the hospital and when those memories creep back in I start to feel my heart begin to race. The memory normally begins with me rolling down the hospital corridor to the operating room with my honey looking at me crying and is telling me "to come back" and I sadly tell him that I will, when parts of me wish that I don't. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital room, alone, mind you because the hospital staff told my family that I would be in a drug-induced coma for 2 days and on the ventilator to give my lungs a chance to go back to normal. Alone...and with all these tubes going down my throat, you feel as if you're going to choke to death with this appartus in your body and all you really want to do is swallow. I couldn't find the callbutton for the nurse, but I could find the tv remote (go figure!), so I turned the tv on and what is on tv? Clifford the big red, I just start turning the volume up as high as it will go to get someone's attention, and the nurse runs in there and says "sweetie, why are you awake?" I know basic sign-language, but no one in ICU does so they hand me sheets of paper to write on. First, I write "where is chuck?" then, "mom?" and then the word "alone?" I start throwing the biggest hissy fit that you can throw for a woman who a. can't talk and b. barely move. They call my honey (chuck) and tell him that he has got to get back up here, because I am very upset....and, then they tell him never mind because they extra medicine they just gave me kicked in. Needless, to say after that incident, I never woke up to an empty room! Chuck only left the hospital for a short time to go sleep, so poor thing, that this incident happened when he was finally getting some well-deserved sleep after getting none for 2 days. He slept in a hospital chair every night following this incident. I have a very loving and nurturing husband, so he felt really bad that I knew he wasn't in the hospital.

Whenever, I see Clifford the big red dog on tv, it reminds me of that night, but it also reminds me that I'm still alive. So, really my motto for life is truly "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," because what could be more true?


Never forgetting Gregory said...

That is definitely a true statement and what you went through is such a testimony to that. I hate being reminded of the worst day of my life. Hugs.

Bluebird said...

I have those moments too - when a memory of small small but specific stands out to you so much, and you will never again view it in the same way.

Although, I haven't had a moment *just* like that, of course - sounds terrifying!

Anonymous said...

How frightening! You are much stronger, stronger than you evr thought you would be.
Your hubby is great, mine definately hated sleeping in the hospital.
It is strange how the small details can bring up such big waves of emotion, it is so heartbreaking sometimes.