Uterus envy?

Anytime I see those shows like "18 kids and pregnant again!" (you know those fertile Dug.garts) the first thing I say to myself is "wow, she must have one amazing uterus." I understand the critical balance that goes along with the miracle of life, and all the things that can go wrong. I get pi**ed off at my uterus again anytime someone has a baby. Yeah, the doctor gave me "permission" to get pregnant again, but I'm going to worry for the entire 9 months that my uterus will pop again.

So, some people are envious of people with money, nice cars, or big houses...not me, I just want a trustworthy and dependable uterus.

Lily Bear

I was given a little teddy bear when I was in the hospital when Lily died, and we promptly named the teddy bear "Lily bear." The name just seemed fitting. Anyways, Lily bear has been in our bed since the day we came home from the hospital. I feel silly being 31 and having Lily bear in my bed, but this bear physically touched Lily (I believe there is a picture of Lily with Lily bear in the slideshow) and having Lily bear near comforts me. When I make the bed in the morning she is placed with all the pillows, and she is placed between my pillow and my husband's pillow while we sleep. Sometimes, when I watch tv I put Lily bear on my chest...like I did when I was lying in the hospital bed, and my body felt so empty, and the weight of Lily bear on my chest was the only thing that reminded me that life was still moving.

When we're kids we have a toy that we carry with us everywhere and the thought of not having this toy destroys us. I never plan on giving away or tossing out Lily bear...neither will Lily bear become a toy for our next child. How did I become a grown woman that loves a teddy bear?

Sex and the City

I remember going to see the Sex and the City movie on the opening weekend last May with my sister, and I being blissfully happy because I was pregnant with my first baby. I remember empathizing with Charlotte because in the movie she is pregnant after trying for years and she was so happy and so anxious because she had finally gotten what she always wanted~ I could have done that role because that was my life.

The movie was on cable last night and my dh hadn't seen it yet, so I watched it again even though I knew the emotions that it would stir inside of me. My story doesn't end as happily as Charlotte's story, and watching the movie last night put me right back in that dark theatre with my sister at my side. I remember crying when Charlotte had her baby and they were in the hospital and I could almost place myself in that bed and imagine all the happiness that she was feeling. My daydream of that day for my family never became a reality.

I imagine we all have a special spot in our hearts for our first pregnancies and our firstborns (I would definetly like to believe that I am my parents' favorite~just joking, Aimee). I will be just as ecstatic and in love with any future children that my wonderful hubby and I bring into the world, but my heart does ache for the dreams that will never be fulfilled for my beautiful firstborn, Lily.

Life isn't a movie, and it isn't a fairytale...but, we all have a story to tell. My story began meeting the love of my life and creating a beautiful life together~ Lily. The rest of my story cannot be found in cliffnotes, but instead must be lived day by day.

PAR

I belong to a wonderful uterine rupture support group that has been very helpful in sorting out the emotions involved with uterine ruptures. They also have a sub-group for pregnancies after ruptures, so I have jumped in with them because they are all in the same situation that I am...some of the ladies are already pregnant, but a lot of them are still TTC and working through all the fear associated with PARs, especially if its their first PAR. I've only been lurking thus far, but reading all of their posts so far has been extremely reassuring to me that our next pregnancy will most likely end up good.

Our new ob-gyn likened a uterine rupture to a classical c-section scar (where they cut all the way down the uterus and make a T at the top), and he says that women have babies all the time after having a classical scar on their uterus. So, oddly, this news was very reassuring to me. Of course, we will have another c-section and I would never be crazy enough to go for a VBAC after a UR. Even when I was pregnant with Lily and pictured the day that she was born the thought of pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon was never something that seemed like fun. I give all of you a high-five out there that love natural births and all, but I'm okay with another c-section.

We have officially decided that we are going to start TTC in June while we are in Scotland~ I so want to be the cliche and get knocked up while on vacay!! It took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily, but I'm prayerful that God has a shorter wait in store of us next time around.

I only cried twice!

Yesterday, was my birthday and the one year anniversary of the day that I truly found out that I was pregnant, and I'm relieved to say that I only cried twice. I had to work all day, literally I got to work at 8:30 am and left at 10 pm, because we had an event at work last night. I think it was probably good that I was super busy all day. I did cry as I put my angel pin on my shirt that I wear on the days that I'm especially missing her, and did get overwhelmed when I thought about how happy I was on my birthday last year. And, I cried a little with my dearest friend at work as we talked about the significance of the day for me.

I no longer cry everyday, my jealousy towards pregnant women IRL is waning (as long as they're having boys!), and its easier to be around babies. I still get weepy as I walk through the baby sections at stores though, but try to tell myself, that its only a matter of time before I'll be buying for a baby again. But, thats really not the point, I miss Lily, and never want to forget how ecstatic and blessed I felt when I learned that she was coming into my life. She just wasn't here as long as I wanted her to be~ but, loved every second that she was...

March 25th

This day last year I went home and took a pregnancy test because my always prompt period had not arrived, and for the first time saw the word "pregnant." I think my actual words to my husband was "dear God, its says pregnant!" On March 26th, I went to my RE for the blood work to confirm, and was again thanking God for the most precious 8 letter word that ever landed on my ears. March 26th was my 30th birthday, and I never really ever wanted to be 30, because that was the age when you're a teenager that you believe means your fun life is over. I didn't care how old I was on my birthday last year, because I was ecstatic that I would never have to spend a birthday again without my child. So, tomorrow I turn 31 (yikes!) and I am empty armed.

I'm not sure my birthday will ever have the same meaning, because in my mind now, its just the anniversary of the happiest day of my life~

Pang of regret

I was talking with my hubby last night about the different features of each other that mixed together to create our beautiful daughter, Lily. I had the pang of regret last night because I never looked at her ears. The pang hit my heart so quick that I was sad for the rest of the night. I wish I could just be satisified with the time that I did spend with her, but I will always have the "why didn't I do this or that" while I was with her...

The anxiety is subsiding, but what is this new emotion?

To say that my emotions have been all over the place this week would be an understatement. I started the week with what I thought would be a barren womb, and ended the week with the green light to put up the for rent sign on my vacant uterus. I am such a changed person, and won't be as naive as I was with my first pregnancy. I can't help to feel some trepidation about losing another baby, at any stage of pregnancy, but especially as far along as I was with Lily. I'm not so much worried about my health, because I've made up my mind that being pregnant again and having a biological child is worth the risk. Maybe, I'm crazy, but I don't feel as if my health is going to be at risk, and I actually feel strangely calm.

Excuse my rambling post, I guess I'm just trying to work through the emotions of the week...and, its got my head spinning!

Clifford the big red dog~

Sometimes, I have little tidbits of memory that pop in to my mind from being in the hospital and when those memories creep back in I start to feel my heart begin to race. The memory normally begins with me rolling down the hospital corridor to the operating room with my honey looking at me crying and is telling me "to come back" and I sadly tell him that I will, when parts of me wish that I don't. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital room, alone, mind you because the hospital staff told my family that I would be in a drug-induced coma for 2 days and on the ventilator to give my lungs a chance to go back to normal. Alone...and with all these tubes going down my throat, you feel as if you're going to choke to death with this appartus in your body and all you really want to do is swallow. I couldn't find the callbutton for the nurse, but I could find the tv remote (go figure!), so I turned the tv on and what is on tv? Clifford the big red dog...so, I just start turning the volume up as high as it will go to get someone's attention, and the nurse runs in there and says "sweetie, why are you awake?" I know basic sign-language, but no one in ICU does so they hand me sheets of paper to write on. First, I write "where is chuck?" then, "mom?" and then the word "alone?" I start throwing the biggest hissy fit that you can throw for a woman who a. can't talk and b. barely move. They call my honey (chuck) and tell him that he has got to get back up here, because I am very upset....and, then they tell him never mind because they extra medicine they just gave me kicked in. Needless, to say after that incident, I never woke up to an empty room! Chuck only left the hospital for a short time to go sleep, so poor thing, that this incident happened when he was finally getting some well-deserved sleep after getting none for 2 days. He slept in a hospital chair every night following this incident. I have a very loving and nurturing husband, so he felt really bad that I knew he wasn't in the hospital.

Whenever, I see Clifford the big red dog on tv, it reminds me of that night, but it also reminds me that I'm still alive. So, really my motto for life is truly "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," because what could be more true?

Second Opinion Update

So, we had our second opinion appointment today, and I finally have some good news to report. This doctor is completly on board with us trying to get pregnant again, and after a lengthy conversation and review of medical history, he says that I would not be a patient that he would advise not to get pregnant. Granted he did say that he would be nervous during the pregnancy, but I would be highly monitored due to the fact that I would be considered a high risk pregnancy and he feels like we would be fine. He is not nervous about my health, but his concern would be the possiblity of an early delivery and having a preemie, but all pregnancies run that odd. He gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and wants me to take some special folic acid supplement. He says that I would get extra appointments and such with him and the prenatal specialist starting at around the 20 week mark.

So, in summary...We would be a bundle of nerves, but he feels like we could be pregnant again and with extra monitoring should be able to have a successful pregnancy. We will start TTC in July or so...then, the fun/hard part starts!

Lily's t-shirt for the March for Babies Walk

This is the t-shirt that I had made for the members of Team Lily Angeline to wear the day of the walk for the March of Dimes and I couldn't be more pleased with how they turned out!

I plan to pin one of Lily's knit caps that she had on in the hospital onto my shirt for the walk as well~the hat is so tiny, but it will serve to me as a reminder for why I'm walking...not just for my baby, but for all our babies~ the babies that survive and for those that are not as forunate...

Losing my mind!

Good thing I looked at the calendar because my appointment is Thursday, not tomorrow! Will update all of you on Thursday about how the appointment goes...Thank you for all of your support and I don't know what I would do without you wonderful women!

Nervous

I'm really nervous about the appointment with the second opinion doctor tomorrow. I am totally preparing myself for negative news because lets face it...I had a placenta abruption and according to my internet research the possiblity is about 10% for subsequent pregnancies AND a uterine rupture which runs a risk of about 10-19% chance of happening again. The first specialist said that due to where my rupture occurred and the size of the rupture that my risk could be up to 60-70% chance of another rupture. I really don't even know why I'm going to this appointment~ Who in their right mind would even want to be pregnant again with odds like these?

Its just hard to let go of the desire to be pregnant and to give birth to a biological child, and I know there are people out there that think I should just accept what I have been told by the specialist...but ask yourself how easily you could accept never being pregnant again.

Last yeat at this time...

Pretty much to the day last year I was sitting in my RE's office and he was telling me that there was virtually no way that I would be getting pregnant on my own. I remember riding home in the car with my husband and crying my eyes out. My RE told me that I was a perfect candidate for IVF because there was nothing wrong with my eggs or uterus (also, nothing wrong with my honey's stuff), so we had long talks about how we felt about IVF and if it would be scripturally sound for us to proceed with IVF. We decided to do the IVF after long hours of prayer and consulting with other Christians. Little did I know through all the crying that I was already pregnant. I remember telling my husband the night before we took the HPT that it would be great if I could get pregnant on my own so that I could tell the world that when "man says no, God says yes" Well, God did allow me to get pregnant on my own...and, I refuse to allow the testimony that started with her conception end with her death.

How or when He brings a child into our home is still a ball that is in His court...and, I patiently await for Him to throw me the ball~

I wish I could take away his pain :(

My hubby and I went out to eat the other day and there was a couple with a baby sitting a few tables away, and the baby started to cry. The sad look on my hubby's face with the tears coming to his eyes was really hard for me to take. I think I underestimate the pain that he may be feeling at times, not because I think that his heart is less broken, but because he always tries to be so strong...for me. He says that he wishes he could hear Lily cry, and made me promise to slap him if he ever complains about our future children crying one day. I think a lot of people with kids don't realize the blessing of being able to hear those cries~even if the crying is involved with something silly. When you haven't had the opportunity to hear your child cry because they weren't able to take their first breath...then you realize how sweet a sound a cry can truly be.

No real damage?

The night that Lily died taught my husband and I that you can't always trust that doctors know all the right answers and they certainly can't predict outcomes. I never thought that my doctor did anything deliberate the night that Lily died, but I do believe that she was not equipped to handle all the events that led up to a. Lily's death and b. my near death. I was never given the side-effects of Cytotec...knowing what I know now I would have never consented to the use of that crappy drug. There have also been questions as to why my doctor didn't act quicker and allowed me to get so sick.

Upon the advice of others we contacted a lawyer to review the circumstances of that night. Long story short the lawyers believe that we definetly have a case that the doctor didn't respond quick enough and that she didn't provide adequate care. The kicker is that although they sympathize that our daughter died that night but that there aren't any REAL damages~ if they had taken my uterus out (thank God that it didn't lead to that, although that was the plan and I had signed all the consent forms) that than they would have been able to pursue a case.

So, in essence your doctor can be completly useless causing your uterus to burst and you can't do anything about it...who's to say that if she had done everything right that my uterus wouldn't have still burst, but it definetly adds salt to the wound when you know that she didn't do all she could do~

Appointment

So, I made the appointment with the second opinion doctor for next Thursday. I've done some background research on him and according to his bio, he and his wife had difficulties getting pregnant and were finally succesful with IVF. He is an Ob-gyn, and he specializes in high-risk pregnancies. I'm putting the horse in front of the carriage, but he has his own 3d/4d u/s machine in his office. Anyway, he sounds cool enough. I'm not looking for a doctor to give me the green light on trying to get pregnant again, but this is a huge decision that I believes deserves a complete evaluation. I want this second opinion to be from a source that was not in the operating room when my rupture ocurred~ a completely objective doctor's opinion.

I want to give a huge hug to all my preggos out there~ your support has always meant a great deal to me since I joined this pitiful club, and I hope you have always been able to find support through my words. You all are in my thoughts and prayers EVERYDAY. Virtual hugs to all of you...We already have an Eleanor on the roster, and I can't wait to see the other names of all the rainbow babies for 2009~

One more opinion...

I'm just really having a difficult time letting go of wanting to be pregnant...so, I'm getting one more opinion. My Ob-gyn told me I could try to get pregnant again but that it would just be a very high-risk pregnancy, but the specialist told me no. So, I've found an ob-gyn that specializes in high-risk pregnancies and get his opinion. I promise all involved that if he says "no" then I will let it go.

I can't help but want to be pregnant again. I am very happy that a lot of the dbms are pregnant again, but I've noticed that they don't leave comments on my blog anymore. My feelings were hurt a little bit, but I've come to the conclusion that although they still miss and love their babies that these ladies have the hope again of a baby in their arms and are busy with other things now. I want to be where these ladies are...

So, I may end up crying again, but who knows....maybe, he'll give me some hope.

86 and still crying...

Some of you may already know that I work in a nursing home, and I have always loved working with the elderly population. Today, I had weekend duty and I was helping some of my residents that I go in and see daily because their room is only feets from my office. Somehow or another, one of the ladies and I started talking about children and such...and, she was just pressing the issue about if I had any babies or not, so I gave her my customary answer of "yes, but she has already been called home to God." This lady, who is 86, said to me "sweetie, I know just how you feel, I lost 2 myself before I had my daughter, you just want a baby so bad in your arms. I still cry for those 2 babies." We talked for a few more minutes, and she started telling me about how she used to cry herself sick, and that she actually stopped playing bridge with her friends because it hurt so much to hear other people talk about their kids all the time. It amazes me to know that all the time that I've known this lady that I didn't know about this very heartbreaking thread that her and I have in common. You just never know the hurt that someone carries around. This lady lost these 2 babies roughly 50 years ago, and she had tears in her eyes today while she was telling me the story of her babies. I left her room and walked the few feet back to my office with tears in my eyes, and a realization that I will one day (Lord willing) be the cute old lady in the nursing home and I will still have a longing to hold, hug, and kiss my darling Lily~

And, I know that I will still have tears in my eyes...

New emotions...

So, I believe I am successfully working through most of my anger issues related to the death of Lily. I'm letting go of the what-ifs and if-buts related to the events surronding the night that she died. I'm now spending more and more time wondering what she is doing in heaven and what she will look like when I meet her one day in glory. Its odd that when I found out that I was pregnant I would daydream about what she would look like the day that she was born...well, I now know physically what she looks like, but now I daydream with tears in my eyes about what she will look like and what she will do when we finally are able to embrace. My preacher at church did a sermon one Sunday about what we will look like when we die and go to heaven. He basically told us that we will be in a body that is the best body that we could have ever had on earth~ so, does that mean she will still be a baby?

Its amazing to me the grieving process, and I'm sure there will be some people reading this that will think I'm morbid and I've officially lost it...but, daydreaming of her is how I've learned to cope with having to put the dreams that I had for our lives on earth together on a shelf.

Hidden Video

Today, my dh had a memory pop into his head about a video that he had shot of me while I was pregnant. In this video I'm lying in my bed in my robe with my new bulging belly hanging out for the camera. We were talking to Lily, and my hubby put his hand on my belly trying to feel her moving around. We were both just so happy and excited to meet her. I miss the excitement of planning for her. Those times seem like a million years ago when she has only been gone for 7 months.

Lily continues to be by far my greatest achievement~ and, I'm not real sure that I will ever achieve anything else in life that could make me more proud.

Completely Oblivious~

This is a picture of me the morning of the day that our daughter would die. I look at that photo and I can't help but be sad for that girl in the photo...I barely recognize that smile. I woke up that morning excited that it was Saturday, and we were planning to go buy the pink shag rug for Lily's room. Who knew that by the end of this day that my life would be irrevocably changed?

I got that turtle tat on my stomach when I was 18...when I was pregnant it was more like a Galapagos turtle, but who thinks of that stuff when you're young? Not so sexy when you're 30 and knocked up~

So blissfully unaware that life can be so hard....

Irony? Lunacy?

My dh works with a guy whose stepdaughter was pregnant the same time as when I was pregnant with Lily. So, my dh was talking with this guy the other day about how the baby was doing, and the birthstory was relayed... when her baby boy was born he was not breathing, and it actually took 2 minutes or so for the baby to start breathing~so, everyone was overjoyed to hear his first cries. Do you know this girl has the audacity to complain now that the baby is a few months old that she is sick of his crying? Do I even need to elaborate on why this would really tee me off?

Baby=crying....get over it!