Tonight, I went out to eat with two of my girls from work, and we had a really great time together, gossiping and pigging out. It was wonderful. I pull out my wallet to pay for my dinner and my wallet opens up to the section where I keep my pictures of Lily...and, my heart skipped a beat for a second. I love looking at her pictures and she is never more than an instant from my thoughts, but for some reason tonight it caught me off guard. I don't know if it was that I was having a good time that made me feel guilty. Sometimes I feel guilty about falling in love so quickly with Abebe. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting a girl just so I can use all of Lily's things for her sister. Guilt has been something that has been prevalent in my mind since finding out that I'm pregnant again.
I guess grief is cyclical, and just when we think we've reached a new point, we find ourselves two steps back.
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4 comments:
Good for you for having a great night out! I am sure Lily is happy for you too hence the photos ... I think it's her way of saying she 'approves' that you had fun, I recon. Feeling guilty is just one of the 'normal' feelings after what you went through... Buy Abebe something that you think Lily would have chosen for her/him... May sounds strange but I mean that's what Lily would have done, right? ;) Hugs!
I agree that guilt is such a big part of grief these days, but you have no reason to feel guilty. I'm so glad to hear that you were enjoying yourself this evening.
I whole heartedly agree with you. Guilt is almost always one of the emotions I contend with on a daily basis.
Love to you.
That makes complete sense. I'm just so sorry it's your reality.
Always thinking of you.
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