Thursday, July 29, 2010

Where I am today~

I had a comment on a previous post about what direction I feel that I am in or am I in a standstill nearly 2 years after Lily's death. I've been pondering the question now for a week, rumulating if you will exactly how to answer this question...Maybe, this won't answer the question but I'm willing to try~

Most days, I feel acceptance of my life. Let's not confuse acceptance with peace. I don't know if we ever get to a point where we feel peace but maybe there are those that do. Peace is a long way off. The angry days are mostly gone...key in on the word *mostly*.

Most days, I don't hate the people that I deem unworthy of the gift of having all their children living and breathing. It's not their fault that their kids are alive. The only thing that I wish they realized is how extraordinary a gift it is...

Most days, I still have problems seeing little girl things. This even goes for all of you. Sometimes, it still hurts when I see those of you that were able to pass down your girl things to your rainbow babies. Not your fault. I know how blessed am I to have a healthy son so please don't start with the counting your blessings...it's a feeling even if some of you think it's irrational...

Everyday is filled with memories of my short time with her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hate myself for not kissing her cheeks...WTH was wrong with me that day?!?!

I don't cry as much but I still miss her and think about her everyday. I still love her and mourn the events that we'll never share with each other. Do we ever let those go?

In essence, I feel like I've made a lot of progress but not quick enough, I'm sure, for a lot that know me in the real world.

4 comments:

brigette said...

Sounds like your doing a great job to me. Peole in the real world who haven't lost a baby have no idea how hard it is and expect us to do it much quicker if they only knew. You are so string!

Angel's Mummy said...

So so well said honey- almost felt like I had written it myself. I wish Lily was here with you. I wish Angel was here with me. I wish that this didn't happen to any of us. Sending you lots of love, and extra tight hugs xxx

AKD said...

Jen, you never have to explain or apologize for those feelings. Your little girl is gone, and as wonderful as your amazing little boy is, you still miss her and love her. That's an amazing mother.

Michelle said...

Oh Jen, I'm sure I would feel the same way about passing down the girl things if I were having a boy. I don't think it's irrational at all. Good to know you are mostly not angry anymore, I hope I'm there when I reach the two year mark. =)