Monday, August 2, 2010

August 2, 2008

I remember every detail of this day and pray that I never forget them. This was the last day that I would wake to feel Lily moving inside of me. This is the last day that I would spend with her. The last day that I would feel her life inside my own.

We woke and ate at our favorite breakfast spot. We drove around to garage sales. I read an article as we drove around to my hubby about how you're not supposed to eat soft cheeses while pregnant. We stopped and ordered a pink carpet for Lily's nursery and bought her two UGA pacis. We ate lunch at a pizza place. We went home for a nap. We woke up and played on the computer. The moment that I stood up from my computer desk is the moment that I felt the first pain. I kept the pain to myself for about 15 minutes but it was becoming worse with each passing minute. I asked my hubby to call my ob-gyn (this was also the last day that I didn't think she was the biggest idiot on the planet) and she said that she'd meet us at the hospital. I felt her kick as we drove and I just prayed so hard to protect her and to not let her die. My prayers would go unanswered as we watched her die on the ultrasound machine at 12:30 AM the next day.

My heart and my life haven't been the same since this day. This was the last day that I didn't walk around with longing. The last day of my membership to the world, to the life that doesn't know this pain.

I've wondered time and time again how I would've done this day differently if I'd known that this was my last day with her. Honestly, I told her that I loved her everyday. I read her a bible story every morning. I had a chance to whisper "goodbye" and that I loved her while her heart was still beating. What more could I have done for her in her short life? She knew she was loved and wanted. She still knows that I miss her and that my love hasn't weakened.

I wonder how many more August 2nds that I'll live through before I hold her again?


Trennia said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Lily, I know tomorrow will be a bittersweet day as it's her 2nd birthday i wish I was there to give you a hug, and I pray you'll be here for a really long time.Of course that being said, Cooper needs his momma...praying for Jesus to come quickly too my friend.
We want to be here for our loved one's then we have that broken longing for our loved one's in heaven..I know sweetie (((HUGS)))

klarsen said...

<3 Lily. I'm sorry, Jen, for this pain. I'm sorry we have to live through it. I know I am a day early, but Happy Heavenly Birthday, Lilly. xoxo Lots of love.

Mrs. Mother said...

I will be thinking of you.

AKD said...

I can only send love to you and Lily forever, and let you know you are in my prayers.