Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A new direction

There was a certain blog that was brought to the attention of the babyloss community in the last few days that left many of us speechless and hurt. We shall refer to this blog as "the blog that shall not be named." I had a few exchanges with the writer of this blog (and, her mother! Awkward!) and have been rumulating on these interactions. Initially, I was very angry at her words. I think yesterday being Lily's birthday may have excerbated those feelings. I made some jabs that I did end up apologizing for the sole purpose of not wanting to be a hypocrite. Who am I to tell her what to blog about just because it hits too close to home? I still don't agree with her choice of words but I do believe that she didn't write them with the intent to hurt this community and more for her friends to discuss. I don't know this girl personally (I swear!) but I've spent a good time in prayer and mediation since my happenings on her blog yesterday.

I think we need to keep in my mind that she is entitled to her own opinion. It is her blog where she should feel free to express them. There are a lot of blogs out there that I don't agree with and I stay away from those blogs. We've all been faced with people in our real lives that don't want to see pictures of our babies. We've all faced people in our real lives that want us to "get over" our babies. This is a stranger to all of us (I'm assuming) that voiced this opinion on her blog. Granted, she did use some vile words that I would never use and I don't agree with her delivery BUT again it's her blog. We can't censure how people feel or write/speak, right? There are more like her in the world. She won't be the first and she won't be the last! She has been very fortunate to not have the experience of losing a baby and I pray that she never does. Everyone needs to keep writing their feelings with the pictures of their precious ones as they did before this blog came into light. There will always be those that don't agree with how we cope with our grief. Who cares in the grand scheme of things? (I know that many of us went to this blog in defense of one of our own and I do feel very sad for what was said about her and her mother. I know that both of them are strong believers in the Lord and I've been in prayer for their peace about all of this. Please, don't misunderstand my intentions as if I'm agreeing with this blogger.) ETA: I know this is not going to be a popular opinion but I'm just putting this blog into the place that it needs to be because it shouldn't change how you do your blogs and our opinions aren't going to change how she does her blog...

Her words did make me look at myself and question if Lily's blog has put a wall up to my healing. Honestly, in ways I think it has. I've questioned stopping the blog several times over the last year. I even had my last blog post typed in my mind but then I would always meet a new babyloss momma and start reading her blog. I've also developed so many friendships in this community. These friendships are dear to me so I've stuck around. I've wanted Lily's blog to be a lighthouse to new babyloss moms that feel like they've been dropped into a world of dark. I've wanted my words to show them that they're not alone. I hope that I've done that in the last two years.

Lily's absence will always be present in my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she were here with us. I love her. I miss her. Her death has changed me in ways that can't be formulated for description.

I'm in prayer for a new direction for Lily's blog. I feel a chapter opening in my heart that is ready to celebrate her short life and not grieve it's loss. As a believer, I know she is rejoicing and she's probably ready for me to be really *happy* I need to find that peace that I spoke about recently. The peace that I said was unobtainable. I'm in search of it and I know that I will never find it without looking forward.

I'm in prayer for ways to make both of my children proud that I am their mommy. I've been pondering ways to still be involved in the babyloss community as a source of friendship and kind words. I've got some ideas that I need to develop fully before I reveal them to all of you.

My intent is to not leave this community. It is your friendship and kind words that have sustained my faith in God and have allowed me to find forgiveness in my body's failings over the last two years. I will be taking some time away though to figure out how to navigate this new direction.

I've had 731 days to mourn her death and now I'm in search of ways to celebrate her for hundreds and hundreds of days more...

Much love to all of you and God bless,

(If the thought of living without me makes you break out in a sweat(totally joking) than feel free to check out Cooper's blog at


Susan said...

I stumbled upon a post about this blog this morning. I didn't read the original post, but the (apparently several times) edited version that was posted around 9:00 this morning. It was certainly striking, but it really made me ask a lot of questions. I spent a few minutes looking around her blog, and was able to see that she is definitely someone who has a substantial amount of pent up emotional energy; she even states that she is angry about many things in life. I assumed (but could be way off base) from what I saw there that she is in her early to mid twenties and does not have children of her own. I also ventured to guess that death/loss in general may be something that she did not have a lot of personal experience with.

I also wondered how she ended up in the baby loss blogosphere to begin with. With the limited time that I had, I could only assume that she had stumbled in randomly and then just ended up going from blog to blog to blog. Another ventured was like a train wreck...something that she didn't want to look at or read, but something that she could not look away from.

I had a lot of driving between visits over the rest of the day and I thought about this a lot. I thought about the reactions that I saw here in our community this morning and I wondered about her original posting. I actually thought about posting something similar to your response tonight, but now that you have done the work for me.... :-P

Although I think it is / will be the minority opinion here in the BL blogosphere, I agree with you, Jen. She is certainly entitled to her own opinion, whether we like it or not. The most frequent thought that I kept coming back to this morning was that when my IRL friend had a 40 week stillbirth, I wanted to understand and be as supportive as possible, but I just never got it as much as I felt I should have. I certainly never got it the way I get it now. The bottom line is that most people around us, no matter how close they are to us, will NEVER *get* it. Ever. This girl just gets it a little less than others.

And like it or not, perhaps some of the points raised are valid and/or applicable to some or all of us here. The biggest being the long term impact or implication of maintaining a loss blog. I have touched loosely on this in a couple posts over the last several months. There is no doubt that I have found some wonderful new friends here and that the support that I have found here over the last year has been invaluable. The overall time I spend here has been down over the last few months (July being an exception - because I had a lot to get out), and sometimes I think that it's not only because I am busier than a one-armed paper hanger. I am thankful that I can still find and offer support here, and I hope that I can always offer support where it is needed, but in all reality, I think that sometimes it's just a psychological and emotional downer. I think that sometimes we just *need* to take a break; sometimes being here posting and reading every day maintains a flow of non-positive energy and emotions. As an example....if you come up with two posts for a on Lily's blog and one on Cooper's blog, I ALWAYS read Cooper's blog first. Always. Sometimes I don't read Lily's until I sit down to read BL blogs unless I know that I should read it right away. another book from me. Sorry. But I agree with what you posted here, even though it's not going to be the popular opinion. Thanks for posting first and saving me the work!!!! :-)

Susan said...

Ugh....I just typed a long comment (sadly, another book) and Google told me it was too long...

I don't know if it went through to you or not. If it did not, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. Although what you posted here may not be the most popular opinion among our community, I agree with what you have written. If you didn't get my original post, I will drop you a line later. :-P

AKD said...

I have no words, only love. This touched me deeply.

Melissa said...

I have been away and have no idea about this other blog but I just wanted to say when you wrote "I've wanted Lily's blog to be a lighthouse to new babyloss moms that feel like they've been dropped into a world of dark. I've wanted my words to show them that they're not alone. I hope that I've done that in the last two years." that your blog truly did all those things for me :) It was one one the first I read after Jack died and you and your story about Lily and Cooper gave me such hope. I think I have told you this before but just in case!


Radiant Readhead said...

I just wanted to say that I agree with what you said. i too stumbled across the blog through a different BLM's blog. It was rough to read, but some of what she said did have some truth behind it. One of the reasons I have named my blog "Journey of Life and Love" and not "My Rosie Garden" (my original idea) is because I did not want my entire blog to be about grief and hinder me from getting through my grief, it is supposed to help me. My dau ghter's life is just one aspect of my life (a VERY BIG aspect right now, but just one aspect of me). I am a Army wife, a soldier, a friend, a daughter,a student, an EMT, etc. I have a LOT to talk about and write about so I made it more of a broad blog, and I did not want to have to make a new one if I , God willing, get pregnant with my rainbow. I want them to share the blog w/ their sister. Also, I do not put pics up, for my own personal reasons, not because she isn't perfect and just looks like she is sleeping, but i feel a mother has a right to put pics up if she wants to. And if one day i change my mind, maybe i will too:-)
Idk, sorry, i am rambling, i guess i just wanted to say thanks for your post, even though not all the BLM may agree with what she said, at least you are one that could respect the fact that they are her opinions, and her blog.
and if you are interested in reading my blog, it is

Radiant Readhead said...

don't worry, i will still be have been following for a while now (both your blogs) and your rainbow blog gives me so much hope:-) i do hope you continue to keep lily's blog, but maybe combine them into one big blog about your family....or just change up the feel, but i think it would be a big mistake to leave all together because you are such an inspiration to all of us new mommies of angels....we see that there IS hope and we CAN make it out okay....thank you!

The Blue Sparrow said...

You are so right, she is very intitled to her opinion and I chose not do comment on her blog and give her any more of my time. I did do a post on how her blog made me feel and my reactions to it, but like you said, Its my blog and I have the right just like she does. I think that's why I didnt engage her. I really hope you stick around but if the Lord's leading you elsewhere then so be it. You will be very missed tho! ;o (((HUGS)))

Trennia said...

I hope you stick around too.
I saw something about all this on another dear bloggers post, I didn't have a clue what was going on, but I decided to leave it to God to deal with people.Just because your Lily,my Emily and other momma's babies are not alive here on earth, they live in our hearts and we have every right to blog about them.Maybe in away it does help us to blog, to express our hurt to to the world.Maybe it's away we let them be known, but it's our way and no one should tell us when to stop.My Emily has been gone alittle over two years, and my twins have been gone for alittle over nine years and yes I still hurt, I miss them and hey that's my God given right because I'm their momma and I love those babies and I wanted each one of them very much! So, don't worry about those who put us momma's down, let God deal with them.(((HUGS)))
PS. If anyone ever notices these types attack around our babies birthdays,due dates,death dates,and holidays...Be strong momma's!

Em said...

You and your blogs have helped me tremendously. Thank you, so much!

I'm in the same boat with my blog. I don't want it to turn into a baby blog, but at the same time, I feel ready to move on and I don't want to lose the friendships I've made in the past few months. I just don't know what to do. Let me know when you figure it out!

Holly said...

I found out about it thru other loss blogs so I clicked over to see what it was about. I didn't leave any comments though. The person def is entitled to their opinion, even if they have absolutely no clue about anything they talked about.

Having a blog and reading other blogs really helped me for a while but then I found that I didn't need it as much as I used to. I mostly visit other blogs now to give support to others. If I stopped it all tomorrow it really wouldn't bother me. The community has been really great but I think there comes a point in time when you just don't need it anymore. I mean, I really don't see myself keeping this all up for another 5 yrs. I may still post on Carleigh's blog for my own sake but I can't really picture myself visiting loss blogs as much as I do now (which is even less than a year ago).