Thursday, November 18, 2010

3:45 AM

3:45 AM is the time that I woke up this morning. I've been awake every since...

I woke up suddenly and my mind was consumed with Lily. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't fall but my heart hurt. I felt like I was going to throw up actually. My whole body was in agony last night with missing her. I try to not focus on the negative aspect of grieving which is idiotic...how do you even do that?

I've done it the last month or so by keeping myself busy and not allowing myself the stabs in the heart. The stabs that come from noticing that the heart shape sticker in the Walgreen's ad for the flu shot has the name Lily written on it. The stabs that come from walking through the therapy waiting room and hearing "okay, Lily, it's your turn!" The stabs are everywhere...

I just miss her. The days have turned into weeks and the weeks in months and the months into years and the grief still stabs...

7 comments:

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))
Oh,Jen I know sweetie...
I hear my daughter's name rather in a store,dr office,reading to Samuel..etc.
I think with the holidays upon us it sneaks into us like the flu.
I think of Emily everyday, like I know you do your Lily...but then birthdays,halloween,Thanksgiving,
Christmas,a new year...etc
We will not ever stop thinking of our sweet babies,I think that's why we momma's that have loss a baby/child come together in blogland and facebook.I think it's our way to grieve, to not be condemed although we do get that at times,but we are not alone, of course Jesus is always with us,but we can rely on each other and support each other too.
Thinking of your sweet Lily,my sweet Emily and how those two special baby girls have joined us together in a friendship.
(((HUGS)))
ps I think my sickness ( flu like symtoms kinda mix in with my sadness and I just feel like crap...I have been a mess the last bout month and it's making me very moody.Email me if you need to talk.

AKD said...

I'm sending you huge hugs, Jen. I get stabbed every time I hear the name Maddie, too. Love to you.

Kyle's Angels - Love from Above said...

{{Hugs}} There must be something going around. I see that a lot of us Mommies of Angel Babies are missing their little ones enormously right now...I sure am.

brigette said...

The stabs are so hard! They catch you off guard and strike like non other. I am so sorry!! Sending much love to you today and always!

Beth said...

Oh Jen, I know about those stabs too. It's amazing how we're able to ignore them for a period of time, but then suddenly it's just too much to bear and we break down. *hugs*

I think about you and Lily every time I hear her name, too. :)

rebecca said...

((hugs)) grief sometimes hits us so unexpectedly...thinking of you & sending love and hope for strength. I think the emotions really creep up as the Holidays approach too and thinking about how much our hearts ache to not have our children with us.

Holly said...

I hate when those moments come but at the same time they feel good. I know we need a release at some point.