Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Jokes to deflect

I've reached a weird stage in the grieving process and that is acceptance with lying to strangers. I've come to a place where there isn't (much) guilt about just saying I have one child while talking to strangers. I've decided that when (most) people ask you if you have more kids that all they really want is a yes or no answers. Most don't really want to know all the other details in your life...

I now have a new joke (it's an old one to the world but one that I've just recently started throwing out) which is the old "one and done" addage. I've given up the fight that makes me want to tell everyone about her short life. Now, I should add that I do talk about her with people that I know I'm going to have a relationship with such as the moms in my community mom's group. They also know that I can't have anymore babies so I can put to rest the whole "so, when are you going to have another one?"

The need to tell the waitress who is ohhing and ahhing over Cooper on whether we have more kids or are going to have more kids has dwindled away. That's what the world does to you.

In my heart, I would love to be able to tell the dry cleaner, the waitress, the check-out girl at Pub.lix, the stranger in the Carter's section at BRU all about my sweet girl but why get the pity look from someone that you most likely will never see again? I would love to pour out my soul about how it feels to know that your body can never physically carry a baby again but why hear the "I'm sorry" when you know that they're just popping out the niceties? Maybe, they're giving real emotions but really, they won't think of Lily or my lost uterus within 10 minutes of the end of the conversation...

The world has given me some bitterness to replace the guilt but really, as her mommy, it's my job to keep her memory alive in our family and friends in the small part of the world that I call my own. We are the ones that love her. We are the ones that will never forget her and I think she knows that...actually, I'm sure that she does...

5 comments:

Jessica said...

Jen, its so hard. Since most people who ask me that are medical people they get the whole sorted story, but sometimes its just easier to say this is our first. Thinking of Lily with you :)

Maggie said...

I know she does! I think that too. The people who will remember her and know her are the ones who matter. That's all you need. Though it'd be nice if waiters, cashiers, mailmen, etc. all knew too! :)

Emalee said...

I have started the samething. We were at firestone, getting the truck done. The guy who help us was super nice. We were talking he asked if we had children. I said no.....Later while driving my husband was like do you always tell people you dont have kids. I said no, but I dont want to go into the whole yes but he passed away bit. Because when you say yes then they ask how old and such, then I would have to get the pitty looks. I know Kenner understands and I have little guilt doing that to strangers. Anyways. I am thinking of you!

AKD said...

Oh, Jen, I TOTALLY get this. I fluctuate back and forth - I'll find myself saying, "Yes, this is our first baby" and hating myself for it, so I'll tell the next person who asks about Maddie, and then there's the whole thing where I feel bad for putting them in an awkward spot... so I go back and forth continually. You're just amazing, and we all remember Lily with you always. HUGS.

Bluebird said...

Oh, Jen - yes, yes, yes. You explain this so well. I have similar feelings but have never articulated it quite so clearly. (I normally blame it on semantics - they ask how many we "have" currently. Lame, I know.)

I love your comment about your own little part of the world. Yes, it would be wonderful for the *entire* world to know. But reall, our own little part is all that matters.

((Hugs))