I was on myspace last night and noticed that this girl I know had her baby on Monday, and his cute little photo was now her profile picture...I'm happy for her, never has the statement "mom and baby are doing good" ever been more reassuring to me. I imagine the relief she felt when her son was born and she heard his first cries. I imagine the pride she felt when her family and friends came to the hospital to see her son for the first time. I imagine the giddiness she felt as she put him in his going-home outfit. I imagine the anxiety she felt as she put him in his crib for his first night at home. I imagine the tiredness she felt the next morning because she didn't sleep a wink for just watching his chest go up and down. All of these emotions are easy for me to imagine because those were the "I can't wait" thoughts that I had every night when I went to bed after I found out that I was pregnant. I felt so defeated after looking at her baby's pic last night...defeated is not a word that I use very often to describe myself. Anyone who really knows me would say that I am delusionally optimistic. It took us 17 months to get pregnant with Lily, but never once did I let myself believe that it wouldn't happen for us EVENTUALLY. The pain I felt last night in the shower as I cried with noxema on my face and shaving my legs was guttural. I felt the pain in every fiber of my body. I went back to my thoughts of why couldn't I have just died with her that night also? YOUR SPIRIT CHANGES WHEN YOU HOLD THE BODY OF YOUR DEAD CHILD IN YOUR ARMS. I make my jokes and give my smiles when I have company over, but I want to yell and scream that this isn't fair!! Not only did I lose my child that night, but I also lost the ability to ever have another child grow in my body. I never even knew what the words placenta abruption and uterine rupture were until they cost me the life of my own child and left me footsteps away from death's door.
Will this grief and pain ever subside? Will I ever feel truly happy again, like skipping through a field of daisy happy? Will I ever forgive my body for what it has done to my life? or for the pain that it has caused my husband? Who has never made me feel bad for what happened, but as a mommy I feel like I let him and my precious daughter down.
Grief sucks...
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry you had to lose your beautiful daughter. Nobody can completely understand what you are going through, but I'm afraid I have those same feelings of heartbreak and can relate in some way to everything you've written. We had trouble trying to conceive our son, finally with fertility treatments and I delivered him early due to placental abruption. I'm sorry the joy you felt FINALLY getting pregnant with your little girl was just ripped away from you. It is NOT fair.
Holly
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine your pain; it has to be doubled since your ability to have another child was taken away. I just wanted to give you big hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Yes, grief really does suck.
Oh, sweetie... I love you. Get it out... the crying, screaming, get it out. Don't let it fester inside... don't pretend... only when you get some of it out can you begin to heal. I can tell in your writing, despite the grief, that you are getting stronger. Even in your anger... all phases to healing, so please don't try to 'manage' it. Don't pretend for others' sake. Don't 'play nice.' Death sucks, grief sucks, life sucks on occasion... it's OK to say, feel, and show that. We are told so many times by society to be happy, we are expected to be happy... if we aren't happy something is wrong. Screw that. You are entitled to more feelings than happiness... you are entitled to anger, elation, melancholy, all of it. I love you very much... and think and yes, pray for you every day... even if I don't call. And you are entitled to grieve for as long as you need, but remember you were saved, and your husband and family and friends are blessed that you are still alive. You are a source of strength for us all even though you feel brittle and fragile. You survived... and every day you live and survive more, you will grow stronger. In all my life of knowing you, you have never broken... and you are not broken now, just beat the hell up and bruised beyond belief. all my love, sister of my heart.
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