Thursday, February 19, 2009

flashbacks...

I told the story of the day that Lily died to a co-worker today, and the tears just popped into my eyes...its been six and half months since Lily died and my heart still tears apart when I think of how drastically my life changed that day. I can still picture the way my hubby's face looked while he watched our daughter's heart stop beating. I remember how it felt when she moved inside of me and how empty my body felt when she died...and how excruciating it was waiting for my body to go into labor but how excruciating at the same time because I didn't really want to be seperated from her. I woke up on a ventilator that night after they had to do an emergency/immediate c-section and having the sudden realization that losing Lily was not a nightmare, but in fact my reality.

My reality is still paralyzed with anguish and grief and an undying love for my beautiful and perfect child...who did all that she could do to be with me, and for reasons that will never be known, my imperfect body failed her. I'm sorry, my darling angel.


4 comments:

E and K Rausch said...

hugs to you.

Heather said...

Sweetie...please don't ever feel like a failure. You are amazing beyond words.

You don't know me and I don't know you (except through your blog) but I know this much: you have a mommy's heart, and dear little Lily knows it. She had the most perfect life--her needs were met before she even *felt* a need--and she knew love only.

Please take good care of your sweet self.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

Much love to you Jen.

E and K Rausch said...

just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you today...hope all is well.