Wednesday, February 25, 2009

3D ultrasound day

I had a 3D ultrasound when I was 16 weeks pregnant because I just couldn't wait to find out the sex of the baby....really, I was ready to begin shopping! The session is only supposed to last for about 20 minutes, but the baby was having none to do with showing the goods so it went more into the 40 minute range before she could get the "money" shot. She told us we were having a boy. I flip back to that moment a lot when I reminisce, because I was secretly upset that the baby was a boy. I wanted a baby girl so bad that I couldn't stand it. I feel so foolish because I should have been praying for just a healthy baby. I also kick myself for not buying the bigger package~ the one with the dvd where you can watch the baby move around~ who knew at that moment that I wouldn't be holding that squirmy baby in my arms. I would give anything to go back to that day.

I walked out of there thinking that there was a Cooper inside of me...sad and spoiled because I wanted the baby to be a Lily~ I got my wish 3 weeks later at my 19 week u/s at my ob's office when low and behold the baby did have a vajayjay after dreams of my baby girl would end a short 4 weeks later.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 6 months since Lily died. I'm coming to terms with my human self-centeredness, and attemping to embrace the woman that I am today. I look in the mirror and the reflection looks the same, but my eyes show me a woman that has matured by leaps and bounds.

1 comment:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

There is no way a mother can go through the loss of her child and not be forever changed. I feel the same way as you do about my reflection in the mirror. Hugs to you as you have to deal with all these anniversaries of special dates.