Thank you for asking...

I've had two recent moments where I felt like I was socked in the stomach, and my heart fell to the floor. Both of the events happened while I was at work, so I couldn't cry or really react, but I also didn't want to make these people feel bad either. The first one was when I was on the phone with a resident's family, and I hadn't seen or talked to this family in quite some time and they asked me how I was enjoying my new baby...and the second event happened yesterday when one of our PRN staff asked me when I had the baby and how was she doing...

Being the type of person that I am, my immediate response was to tell them to not feel bad for asking and that there is no way that they could have known what happened or they wouldn't have asked, and proceed into Lily's story. And always the next question is "well, can you have anymore?" I usually tell them that it hasn't been advised by my doctors, but that my hubby and I are investigating other ways to parenthood. The only thing that I didn't like about my conversation yesterday is that the lady proceeded to tell me how her sister is due with twins...Uh, hello is that something that I want to hear right now? I'm used to people not knowing what to say, and my patience level has grown significantly since Lily died.

I'm torn between getting sick of being asked how the baby is and having to tell her story over and over again...and the even more devastating situation that people act as if Lily never existed. As a general rule, I love to talk about Lily. My heart aches for her, but also dances with joy when I think of her huge feet, and her daddy's lips.

I ponder on writing other things on this blog...I'm a very opinionated woman and sometimes think of showing other aspects of who I am as an occupant of this crazy planet, and eventually I will probaby do that. But being Lily Angeline's mommy is the best role that I have in life, and for now keeping her memory out there and honoring her is what is important to me.