The first ultrasound we had in July told us that we were going to have a boy, and we were going to name him Cooper Henry. So, the planner that I am wrote in my datebook on December 3~ Cooper due date...I haven't paid much attention to the month of December yet (on purpose) but today I flipped to December and my heart fell out because I had forgotten that I had written that message on my calendar. We found out Lily was a girl 2 weeks later, and switched gears into girl mode, but didn't change the message on my calendar. Again, the planner that I am immediately started planning the pink and brown nursery~ 3 short weeks later our little Lily would be gone. So, what I'm learning is is that I need to stop planning my future so far in advance. All of the plans I've made for my child are over. I need to just live each day as it comes, because you have no control over the outcome of life.
My husband and I were talking about what if God took Lily because He thought that we weren't going to be good parents. I can't take stock in that theory because I know too many people who, excuse me, suck at being parents and have no business having children and don't take care of the ones that they have. So, this tendency of mine to try to tidy things up and try to control the outcome of ANYTHING needs to end.
I'll start that tomorrow....
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3 comments:
I am sorry for your loss and for the rememberence in your calendar. I am also a planner, and after losing my twin girls I will not be planning things as much until my next baby arrives. I even have thought about having the baby shower after, just incase. I am type A personality and it will be hard but we have to do things differently to protect our hearts. You are so right in saying, take each moment day by day.
I hope you don't mind but I tagged you on my blog.
Oh sweetie, yeah.. that overwhelming need will only drive you crazy. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs that slowly drive you nuts and weaken your resolve and confidence. Love, (and i am still working on this.. slowly, cause i am stubborn and have a mental block against certain things... ) Plan for the future, but realize it is not set in stone, be flexible for change... especially change for the worse, and breathe through it... if something gets fucked up... take a step back, gird your loins, and jump over the hurdle, gritting your teeth and yelling, ARRRGGGGGGGGG. Then relax, go with the flow and see where it takes you on this journey we call life. love you
-E
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