anxiety

Last night I just kept having all these dreams of bumping into people who did not know that Lily had died so I had to keep repeating the story over and over again. I know this dream is related to the fact that I have to return to work on Monday after being on medical leave for the last 8 weeks. I have been in my little coccoon for the last 8 weeks, and maybe it wasn't the most logical plan to hole myself up but the real world is hard. I go get a mani & pedi but those people don't know me...My family and friends have been very supportive during this time, but being forced back into the real world again is mostly certainly going to put me in the path of someone who hasn't heard...and all the people who I haven't seen will want to hug and talk...On the other hand if no one asked me about my darling baby I would be mad, too. There is just no way to please a grieving mommy. Prayers are needed for strength.

Grief sucks...

I was on myspace last night and noticed that this girl I know had her baby on Monday, and his cute little photo was now her profile picture...I'm happy for her, never has the statement "mom and baby are doing good" ever been more reassuring to me. I imagine the relief she felt when her son was born and she heard his first cries. I imagine the pride she felt when her family and friends came to the hospital to see her son for the first time. I imagine the giddiness she felt as she put him in his going-home outfit. I imagine the anxiety she felt as she put him in his crib for his first night at home. I imagine the tiredness she felt the next morning because she didn't sleep a wink for just watching his chest go up and down. All of these emotions are easy for me to imagine because those were the "I can't wait" thoughts that I had every night when I went to bed after I found out that I was pregnant. I felt so defeated after looking at her baby's pic last night...defeated is not a word that I use very often to describe myself. Anyone who really knows me would say that I am delusionally optimistic. It took us 17 months to get pregnant with Lily, but never once did I let myself believe that it wouldn't happen for us EVENTUALLY. The pain I felt last night in the shower as I cried with noxema on my face and shaving my legs was guttural. I felt the pain in every fiber of my body. I went back to my thoughts of why couldn't I have just died with her that night also? YOUR SPIRIT CHANGES WHEN YOU HOLD THE BODY OF YOUR DEAD CHILD IN YOUR ARMS. I make my jokes and give my smiles when I have company over, but I want to yell and scream that this isn't fair!! Not only did I lose my child that night, but I also lost the ability to ever have another child grow in my body. I never even knew what the words placenta abruption and uterine rupture were until they cost me the life of my own child and left me footsteps away from death's door.

Will this grief and pain ever subside? Will I ever feel truly happy again, like skipping through a field of daisy happy? Will I ever forgive my body for what it has done to my life? or for the pain that it has caused my husband? Who has never made me feel bad for what happened, but as a mommy I feel like I let him and my precious daughter down.

Grief sucks...

An attempt at being funny...

This is in no way going to be some awe-inspiring post, so don't expect a real epiphany from me today. I was watching a Jiff peanut butter commercial today, and I just laughed out loud to myself and my constant companion, my furbaby, Delilah. The one where the kid says "we only have one slice left" so the mom is like "ok, well Jake gets to cut the bread in half" and jake is like "yeah!" but then the mom drops the bomb and says "but cody gets to choose which half" so cody, who originally gets screwed in the deal is like the big winner...I laugh b/c Jake is like ok with all of this. In the real world, all of the kids that I personally know, would have flown off the handle when they found out that they had been duped by their own mother. In the real world, Jake would have been kicking cody under the table, and then cody would have been reduced to tears and trying to hit Jake in the eye, and mom would be yelling "stop hitting your brother" and jake and cody would be chasing each other around the house with a bat and mom would try to break the kids up and put them in time-out and both the boys would be yelling "I hate you mom" and something along the lines of "you ruined my life!" Mom would be looking for her xanax and be calling nanny 911...

There may be some of these jiff families in the world, but I'm just saying that I don't know any kids, well, I know one set of really polite kids (good work, Neeta!) that would be as nice as this jake and cody. Also, is it realistic to think that the last piece of bread wouldn't have been that crappy end piece? Even peanut butter won't get me to eat that piece, I give that one to the birds...

All of this analysis on a jiff commercial brings me to the fact that I need to get back to work, and put all of this realistic world view and observation to good use. Look at all of the world's problems I could solve...watch out people I'm deadly!

Please, know that I laughed to myself (and to Delilah) the entire time I wrote this post...I cried I laughed so hard, and now I have to end this because if I don't I will wet my pants :D

I wish laughs and smiles to all!

An understanding

Dear God,

You know the spectrum of emotions that have flooded my heart in the last 6 weeks. Of how I have ranted and raved and have tried to explain to You the error You made when You decided to bring my child home to You. Silly me in all my human emotions I forgot to take notice that she really is Your child, and that she was just on loan to me. You have seen me cry with self-pity, and have seen my jealousy at the perceived blessings of others. You have seen my anger at what I perceive as life's injustice. You have seen a woman with a broken heart that doesn't know if it could face another day. You have seen a woman that cries because she feels that noone can understand this all encompassing pain...but I failed to realize that You do understand what it feels like to loose Your child. You gave Your son in the most selfless act, and I know your heart was grieved. Your sacrifice gives me the promise of seeing OUR sweet Lily again. I know I don't need to apologize to You for my behavior because I know You understand, but I do ask for Your forgiveness. I also ask for You to continue to work through my life and to give me understanding in Your plan. I love You and I have missed You in trying to be mad at You and thank You for not giving up on me. You knew I wouldn't leave for long, and I knew You never left my side.

Your humble child and servant...

Why?

I wanted nothing in life more than to have a daughter...first and foremost, I wanted to lead her to the Lord, in all ways to seek him first in all that she did in life. I wanted to teach her to be strong, intellectual, feminine, and self-sufficient. I wanted to teach her to not put up with any man's bs...to not fall for the stupid lines that boys will say to get their way (knowing full and well that she probably would because we all do in one way or another, thats part of life). I had this vision of someone like me, but better. Having a daughter, but not being able to be with her is extremely difficult. My husband and I went to have breakfast at our favorite spot this morning and there were all these adorable little girls, and in my mind I am hoping that these women are taking their jobs of raising these little girls into bright women as seriously has I had planned to do...Most are, I'm sure, and the other part of me is hurting so badly b/c I will never have Saturday morning breakfasts with my daughter, the most loved in my heart.

It's just difficult to have to forget all these plans that I made...I've become a different person since my daughter died, and I make no apologies for my new self. My true friends will continue to love me, and my family...well, they have no choice (they do, but I'm not a mean different).

Slowly, but surely...

Wow, hard read

I just reviewed my medical records from the hospital for when Lily passed away. They're really hard to read, and although my husband has told me that I was really sick, I don't think I completely understood how close I came to dying that night and following day, also. Seeing the words "fetal demise" are heartbreaking...and sentences like "patient is critically ill" make my heart race all over again. I am thankful to be alive, and look at each day has a new opportunity to be a better, more loving, accepting, thankful human being. I was in the hospital from 8/2/08-8/7/08 and my records are a total of 457 pages...so it's alot to go through.

I think its good to get your medical records for your own personal files...and they are also helping me piece together those days that changed my life forever.

I stole this...

I stole this poem from one of my friends on the babycenter...too sweet not to share with as many people as possible, especially if you are a mommy to an angelbaby!

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from up here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistakeI thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored,and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

Finally got the question...

So, today I went and had a mani and pedi just to get out of the house. I was seated to a very talkative, but very nice lady who was busy talking away about her kids. I was minding my own business trying not to convey any hate b/c she was in some breaths complaining about her kids, then she asks me "so, do you have any kids?"...Of course, she was just trying to strike up conversation and I didn't want that pity look, so I just answered "yes, but my daughter has passed away, so I don't have any living children." Still got that pity look, but that was the first time that I have been asked that question since Lily passed away...mainly b/c I'm still out on medical leave and don't get out of the house too often. I was surprised that I wasn't overly emotional and I have spent the whole day re-living that moment. Its just so hard, but I have to accept that there are going to be pregnant women and babies born healthy everyday and other mommies are going to ask me questions b/c I'm obviously of childbearing age...slowly but surely is my new mantra.

1 month angelversary

I has (already!) been a month since our beautiful Lily became one of God's little angels. Slowly, the physical pain is waning and getting around is becoming easier. The emotional pain is another thing completely. One moment, I feel optimistic and believe that Lily wants me to move on...the next I feel as if I'm moving on too quickly, and worry that she is going "but mommy, what about me?"... I dream of her and in my dreams I'm crying and unable to move on, then I wake up and the rest of day is filled with missing my baby. I regret not holding her more in the hospital, and kick myself for not kissing her little face...I was just still so sick when they brought her to me. I know the days will tick away, but I know that I will carry the same thoughts through out the rest of my life.

Gracie's birthday party

I went to my neice's 7th b-day party yesterday, and even though there were babies there I had a good time! My brother and his wife have a set of twins (1 boy & 1 girl~how lucky can you get?) that will be a year old in October and it was so good to hold them, kiss them on the forehead and look at their new little teeth come in...there really is nothing better than babies! Yesterday was also the first time back to church for me since losing Lily...I've been praying daily and doing bible studies, but haven't been able to get this body moving well enough to get all dressed up for church. It was a nice service and I did leave there feeling a little more peace than when I walked in..I have had a relationship with God since I was 8 so surely He's not mad that I needed a small break from people....not just God's people all people. I'm feeling more grounded though, and like there is still life to be had for this ole girl :) Slowly but surely...