I don't remember what my life was like before Lily came into it. Life before her seems insignificant, vague, and blurry. My heart shifted as I told the doctor how much I didn't want to lose her~ and, then she was gone. Life as I know it now started the moment that her heart stopped. The doctors that came in and out of the room would offer their condolences and tell me how lucky that I was to be alive. One doctor even spoke to us about how great adoption was for his family, and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being able to carry children any longer.
I still have moments were I remember waking up on the venilator and crying...not because I was scared, but because I was still alive. Without my daughter. I left the hospital with a prescription for Xanax, Ambien, and Zolfot instead of the doctors listening to how I felt~
They days since August 3, 2008 have been difficult to say the least. I tried the medicine for awhile, and they did help mask the pain. I stopped taking them and the pain was still there. Pain reminds us that we're still alive, and breathing did become easier as the days continued to move on....
I got reminded again that I'm still alive on April 23, 2009 when those two lines appeared on the test. I got reminded again that I'm still alive on May 11, 2009 when I saw my baby's heartbeat on the screen, and again when I heard Abebe's heartbeat on the u/s machine yesterday. I thought I had died inside the day that Lily died, but this new life inside me tells me that I'm still alive. I wrote a poem when I was pregnant with Lily about having two hearts (mine and hers), and that poem will always be about her...I once again have two hearts, and I'm happy again to be...Alive.
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6 comments:
You couldn't be more right about anything you said in this post!!
I always reminded myself that the broken-hearted feeling I had inside, and the tears I cried, were only reminders that I was still alive and breathing.
It's a harsh reminder, but a reminder nonetheless.
Wonderful thoughts. I feel the same way. Wishing you all the best and praying for you and the little one
I love this post. :) You're so right!
Amen Jen!
Well said. Amazing how, after such a loss, we breathe automatically when we are "dying" inside. Amazing ... because God knows the reason keeping us alive. I am so happy for you. Hugs! :)
I'm so happy to hear this. From reading DBM blogs we get such a personal glimpse of the terrible pain and suffering our online friends are going through. And to hear a breakthrough like this, is so comforting.
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