Happy? Mother's Day

Yesterday, We were at Target and the most helpful staff person came up to ask if we needed any help, and we politely declined because I know my way around Target just about as well as that kid did...and, as he walked away he says "I hope you have a happy and blessed Mother's Day." The words thank you caught in my throat.

I've been wondering for the last 9 months 6 days on how this day would feel. I sit at my computer early this morning with tears in my eyes and an emptiness in my heart. I know there are many reading this that will know exactly the pain that this day will bring. I will not experience the joy of my child on this most sacred day for mothers. I will not experience the awe of dressing her up today to take to my mom's house for the picnic and look down at my firstborn and look back with fondness of the day that she was born.

I often think of the parable in the bible about the shepherd that has 100 sheep and one goes missing. He leaves the 99 to go looking for the one that is missing. That is the way that my heart feels today. Even if I had 100 kids, I would still long for the one that is gone. She is not missing because I know where she is, but that only makes the pain of her absence tolerable. It in no way takes the pain away .

My hubby was great and got me one of those mother's day cards that plays music. He signed it "we love you , mommy~ love, Lily and rainbow baby Nolf" It plays the song, Somewhere over the Rainbow. He also bought me a beautiful hydrangea plant. He continues to amaze me everyday with his compassion and patience with me, but I know that he feels the same way. His heart will be where I am today in one short month.

Today is not solely about me. My mother is still living, and I will honor her today. The day that my firstborn died, she was at my hospital bed crying as she watched her firstborn close to death. I can imagine that was excruciating for her, because no mommy wants to see their baby sick and doesn't matter how old that baby gets!

The mother's day cards that I may/may not receive today will never fully immortalize the feelings that I have today. I never changed my daughter's diapers, gave her a bath, feed her/burped her, and I will never see her smile. But, what I do have is unconditional and undying love for her, my daughter, my firstborn.

I have a happier day in my mindseye as I picture mother's day next year when I think of this new life inside of me, but cannot allow that picture to fully develop because of the pain that will surface if something else were to happen.

I am thankful for the life of my daughter, the beautiful one whose's life was so brief, but brought me the greatest title that I will ever have~ Mother.