Excitement

I woke up this morning with a new sense of excitement about this adoption thing. I have a good feeling that we will be parents by the end of this year. I couldn't have said that I had the same feeling in January 2008 so getting pregnant was a huge surprise, and the blow of losing Lily even harder to swallow. But I am excited about wondering if maybe our birthmother is finding out that she is pregnant, and wondering what she will do~ I was a pro-lifer before and I'm going to be praying even harder now that these women choose to put there babies up for adoption rather than choosing their other alternative. What's 9 months when there are so many loving people wanting a child to love in their own homes but are unable to physically have children. I'll get off my soapbox now. My daydreams are off of the whole grand idea of getting pregnant again (for now at least), and are focused on getting the call from our adoption agency. We are fine tuning our adoption profile, and I may put it up here for your inspection one day soon.

The more the merrier in the prayer group that JenJen and Chuck will soon be parents.

Weakness

I was pulled to my bible today~ normally, I'm running short on time, and have been barely racing in the door at work on time, but today following the same schedule that I always do I was provided 15 extra minutes to do a bible study. I said outloud "Father, I know You're pulling me over here, speak to me through Your words"... I ended up in 2 Cornithians 12 and verse 8 shows the words of Jesus:

"My grace is sufficient for you, and for my power is made perfect in weakness."

A lightbulb went off in my heart and my brain~ I immediately started to talking to Him about how I've been carrying so much anger for all this pain that I have been through, and really He never said to me that because I am a believer that I would be provided with a life that wouldn't suffer trials...trials that should have me leaning on Him and gaining strength through Him to get through the pain. I foolishly have left it up to my human emotions and anti-depressants (as mentioned in pervious post) to get through this trial. I told Him that I miss Lily, but I've also missed talking to Him. I stupidly put God on the silent treatment, being the patient Father that He is, He knew that I would come back around...I thanked Him for taking care of my baby, and I know that she is having the best time... and that her mommy will rejoice in that FACT and look forward to the day that we will be rejoined.

So, here we go...May the healing begin...for His grace is sufficient for me.

Trying to pull it together, but falling apart...

I have been on an anti-depressant since Lily died, and I have been trying to wean myself off because I want to make sure that I'm truly handling my grief or is it being covered by the Zoloft. I've been doing the whole tapering it off because someone told me that if you quit cold turkey that it will make you suicidal. I'm sad, yes, but don't want to die. I have been noticing since last week that I feel incredibly anxious, and well, sad. I really do want to get away from taking the drugs, but now I'm thinking of starting again, because I tired, sad, anxiety-ridden...in essence, I feel like I'm loosing my mind (or what's left).

Will I ever be the same? My dh and I should probably get grief counseling, because we are both still just having such a tough time. I miss Lily every second of the day, and get so angry that she isn't here with me.

If you read my previous post...please, introduce yourself to Patty Pissedoff.

The United States Of JenJen

I'm already a huge fan of the Showtime show " The United States of Tara" about a married woman with 2 kids that has what layman would call Split personalities. The personalities of this woman are hilarious, but I was thinking about what an *interesting* disorder. So, I started looking at my ups and downs during the day and lightly decided that I have the same condition and started to give my personalities' names. I feel horrible for people that really have this condition, and I mean no harm, so play nicely if you leave a comment.

My personalities would be named:

Summer Sunshine~ she wakes up on the right side of the bed in the morning, smiles and wants to help everyone, and sees the world through rose colored glasses. When life throws you lemons make lemonade type of girl. Believes that God took Lily because He needed a new angel.

Patty Pissedoff~ Hates the world, and everyone around her for no particular reason. Believes God took Lily to punish her for being too sexually active in her early twenties.

Aimee Apathetic~ Doesn't want to get out of bed, and if she does, refuses to wear a bra. Aimee mostly comes out on the weekends. She wants to quit her job and run an Av.on website so that all bras can be burned and she would never leave the house again. Believes God took Lily because He worried that Lily would become a kid addicted to gamebox and wouldn't be interested in the Great Commission.

In reality I'm just a combination of all 3 of these personalities. I wake up every morning whether I want to or not, put on my bra because my girls will give me a black eye without one, question my decisions on my career and look back on all the guys I dated in the past and shrudder...this is the way that God made me~ love me or hate me~ I'm started to get a grip on myself as I trod into my thirties and can now look at myself and laugh. I'm glad that I'm finally getting to that point, and not feeling that I have to constantly modify myself for acceptance.

floating through...

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm just floating through life~ that I'm just watching time and life fly before my eyes. Normally, I am a very optimistic person, but I guess I'm just in a bit of a funk. I've been missing Lily even more lately~ I don't know why things are hitting me more now. I keep having flashbacks about how happy I was to be pregnant. I remember how thrilled I was to see the hpt say positive last year ON my 30th birthday. I'm dreading my birthday this year, because it will just remind me of how different my life is now. I go up and down with feeling more like the old JenJen~ but can you really ever be the same person when you've lost someone that you loved more than life itself?

I'm going to chunk most of this funk up to hormones, so maybe I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.

Ready...set...go...

I posted back in November about my hubby and I deciding that we were ready for adoption, but then decided to wait until I spoke to the specialist about the possiblity of another pregnancy in MY body...well, we all know how that went~

So, I contacted the adoption consultants that we're working with to go ahead and set up the "official" list of what we do and don't want for a birthmother, what we will be comfortable with as far as contact with the birthmother goes, and yes...even our preference of the baby's sex. I've put a lot of thought into the whole baby's sex issue...

And, I've pretty much decided that we're going to tell them that we would PREFER a girl...when I was pregnant I had to tell people the whole "I don't care what the sex of the baby is as long as it is healthy" business, which of course is the most important thing...but, now that I'm having to pay nearly $40,000 to get what some teenagers get from fooling around in a toyota...I'm prepared for a girl materially and emotionally, and I may have to wait a little bit longer for a baby, but after all we've been through already~ what's a few extra months? Some people may not agree with this decision, but I don't really care. We would love a baby boy just as much, but he may not want to sleep in the pink and brown ladybugs nursery that is set up, or wear all the girly clothes that are still in the dresser in the nursery.

Its hard letting go of getting pregnant again, but life must go on~

Thank you!

I work in a nursing home, my background is in social work, but currently I am the admissions director for the facility. My favorite part of my job is developing relationships with the residents and their families. Not just the standard "if there is anything that I can do for you..." business, but the type of relationships that I know when their grandkids are having recitials and what kind of diet that they are on~ those kind of relationships.

So, I was talking to one of my resident's daughters today, who recently lost a sister. She is having a real hard time with the loss of her sister because her death was so sudden. While she was talking about how hard it is to not be with her sister anymore, she stopped and said "I'm sure you know exactly how I feel after losing your daughter." Wow~ someone actually acknowledged and honoured my daughter in the light that she should be...not just as a baby, but as a human being with significant value. I did tell her that losing my daughter as given me a greater empathy and capacity to understand the pain of losing a loved one, a quality that I did not possess prior to Lily's death.

I can't tell you how thrilled (for lack of a better word) that someone took two seconds to acknowledge that, although brief, Lily's life was just as valuable as anyone elses~ and for that I'm grateful.

Shout to the Lord...

I had a memory today of my time being pregnant. I would play "Shout to the Lord" every morning on the way to work, because it would help me get focused and motivated for the day. Lily would just move around as soon as the song would play~ like she was having her own praise and worship womb service. I haven't really allowed myself to listen to that song since Lily died. I love that song, but I just miss her too much to go there just yet.

I would also read aloud my morning bible study to her. I feel confident that she was right at home when she was called home, and that she was comforted being in her Father's arms. I just wish that I could find true happiness in her being with the Lord already, and not me.

Mr. Buttons is a Steeler's fan...

My hubby and I are dog-sitting this week for a friend of mine from work, and in the first day of his stay we have converted him into a Steeler's fan! Mr. Buttons will be with us until Friday, and I thought it would be hilarious to chornicle his week with us~ and plus his mommy will be able to get updates on how her little baby is doing this week.

I love all animals, but normally gravitate more towards cats because of the simple fact that they are more self-sufficient. Mr. Buttons is like having a toddler in the house, but he is so freakin cute that I don't mind the constant up and downs all day long. Pretty much we have played, ate, pooped, peed, and napped all day long...and repeat.

We don't have a dog, and I'm sure my hubby is hoping that I get all my puppy-longings out of my system this week while Mr. Buttons is here with us, but even my hubby is falling in love with this cutie! Anyhow, it should be a fun week!

Thank you for asking...

I've had two recent moments where I felt like I was socked in the stomach, and my heart fell to the floor. Both of the events happened while I was at work, so I couldn't cry or really react, but I also didn't want to make these people feel bad either. The first one was when I was on the phone with a resident's family, and I hadn't seen or talked to this family in quite some time and they asked me how I was enjoying my new baby...and the second event happened yesterday when one of our PRN staff asked me when I had the baby and how was she doing...

Being the type of person that I am, my immediate response was to tell them to not feel bad for asking and that there is no way that they could have known what happened or they wouldn't have asked, and proceed into Lily's story. And always the next question is "well, can you have anymore?" I usually tell them that it hasn't been advised by my doctors, but that my hubby and I are investigating other ways to parenthood. The only thing that I didn't like about my conversation yesterday is that the lady proceeded to tell me how her sister is due with twins...Uh, hello is that something that I want to hear right now? I'm used to people not knowing what to say, and my patience level has grown significantly since Lily died.

I'm torn between getting sick of being asked how the baby is and having to tell her story over and over again...and the even more devastating situation that people act as if Lily never existed. As a general rule, I love to talk about Lily. My heart aches for her, but also dances with joy when I think of her huge feet, and her daddy's lips.

I ponder on writing other things on this blog...I'm a very opinionated woman and sometimes think of showing other aspects of who I am as an occupant of this crazy planet, and eventually I will probaby do that. But being Lily Angeline's mommy is the best role that I have in life, and for now keeping her memory out there and honoring her is what is important to me.

Ode to my Uterus

So, let me explain one thing to all of you in bloggerland...I don't blame myself for Lily dying...I blame my uterus. How is that different? My uterus has always been a pain in the a*@ for me. Our bad relationship started back when I started my period the summer before the sixth grade. Our relationship has gone from bad to worse since August 3, 2008. It is because of my bum uterus that the placenta abruption and uterine rupture occured resulting in the best thing to ever happen to me to be taken away. Let me say again~ I'm glad that I have a crummy uterus, and a healthy heart...I don't need my uterus to live, so therefore I don't care about badmouthing her...

I submit the following poem to you guys strictly for entertainment purposes, and I in no means put this forth as a work of art or meaningful piece of literature. I wrote this in like 2 minutes, so I obviously don't take this too seriously! I'm just trying to put into words how pissed off I am at my uterus in my own quirky way. I could throw in a real-life pic of my uterus (I've had two surgeries to correct issues with my useless reproductive organs so these pics do exist) to really set the mood, but I decided against it. Collective sigh released by all, I'm sure :)

Ode to my Uterus

Your daily tasks are minimal but

your performance thus far

has been very dismal

Inside of you is where

life grows and dwells

all I ask of you is not to

burst as you swell

But now you are useless and

I have no option to fire

all thats let to do is to

wait for you to retire.

I want the pain!

I was reflecting on the day that Lily died. That's the only thing that happened that day in my opinion...yeah, I was really sick and almost died~ yada, yada, yada. I remember the drive on the way to the hospital and all the pain that I was in, and telling myself "is this labor? because it hurts like h@*l". So, I was very confused when I got to the hospital and I wasn't having any contractions. I remember the relieve that I felt when they told me that Lily was doing terrific, and that it wasn't the baby~ they were so sure that they removed the fetal heart monitor.

As it turns out~ a placenta abruption was brewing, and to follow was a catastrophic uterine rupture. The rupture is what is keeping me from having anymore babies. But, say that I do get pregnant again...a natural birth is not an option for me. The whole "can I or can't I" debate doesn't even pertain to me.

To have a baby out of my body is the only thing that matters to me, but I'm realistic. This whole "no" thing from the doctor has obviously been a hard thing for me to handle, hence all the recent posts. I'm even jealous knowing that I won't ever really experience childbirth. I had a c-section in the end due to how critically ill that I was, so I do have that battle scar to be proud of. I didn't even get to see Lily until 24 hours later when I finally got off the ventilator. So, I don't have the gooey baby memories. My daughter was unnaturally cool from being in the refrigerator.

I'm just so stuck right now. I'm happy for all the mommas that are getting pregnant after their losses, but I would be lying if I said that a tear or two doesn't slide down my cheek because I feel so alone.

Risks...

I desperately want to get pregnant again. I have dreams a few times a week that I'm pregnant again, and I'm all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with planning for a baby. I know that another baby will not erase the pain of losing Lily, but not being given the option to have another baby the "natural" way is very, very difficult. I would even be willing to put up with all the crap at the RE just to be able to have the possibility of carrying another baby in my body.

I know that I am having a pity party...but in all honesty~ I don't want to have to go through surrogacy or adoption to have a child in my home...I want to create another baby with my husband the same way that most people do. I hope no one ever has the feel the pain of a doctor looking you straight in the face and saying "NO". The rebellious part of me just wants to go for it, and if I die, well...that would suck for my husband and my family, but I would be in heaven with Lily. But, what if I don't and I make it through the pregnancy and have the cherished child that my hubby and I want more than anything?

I know people mean well when they try to pump me up about how great surrogacy and adoption will be, and they share all these wonderful stories of people they know that did the same thing...and I appreciate those stories. Most of those people have a couple of kids, and have no idea of the emotional pain and the physical yearning that I still feel everyday~ over the loss of Lily and my supposed inability to ever carry more babies.

Also, I have a useless uterus in my body, but I still get to enjoy periods every single month, is just the icing on the cake. My busted-a*@ uterus is not living up to its resume, and I still have to put up with all the crap that all the "fertiles" have to every month.

Heads would roll is all I have to say!

I wonder if any of you have read this story yet? I'm going to post the link so you guys can read the story as posted on the Drudgereport.com, but let me say this...I would own this hospital if I were the momma in this story! I'm furious for her...and also pissed b/c the repercussions for this hospital may depend on if the baby was stillborn or not, b/c stillborn babies aren't considered humans! Ugh!

I'm not going to get on a soap box right now, but here's the link and I would be interested in hearing your reactions to this story~

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Garbage-Dump-Searched-for-Babys-Remains.html

Peaceful

My dh sent Lily's photos to a company that will touch up the photos of stillborn babies. A lot of people know about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but my dh found this company on the internet that does the same thing and will do two photos for free. We will probably do some more photos, because we are so pleased with how precious Lily looks in these photos. She looks like she's just taking a nap. The link for the company is www.babyangelpics.com.


I just miss her so much! Mommy loves you!

Sometimes questions don't have fair answers...

I'm going to talk about something that maybe a very touchy subject, but I won't use any names...and plus all of this is public record now.

In November, I was selected to be on a jury for a sexual molestation case. The whole case was nasuating, even more so because it was a case where the father had molested his 4 year old daughter. To top everything off~ the mom was also a little loopy. Really the kid should be adopted out in my opinion just because of some of the things that the mom was being accused of during the trial (marrying the father just to get a green card~stayed living with the father even after the little girl had made repeated accusations against the father...that type of stuff). The little girl didn't testify in court, but we watched a couple of the police interrogation tapes during the trial...it was heartwrenching to watch this little girl try to explain things that she should know nothing about.

Anyway, I saw this little girl and her mom at the mall today. I kinda wondered if I would recognize them if I ever saw them in town due to the fact that she lives within miles from my house. I know this because during the trial they brought up where the charges had occured several times.

It again makes me wonder about why God allows certain things to happen? Thankfully, it appears that this little girl is not outwardly traumatized by what happened to her. But parts of me wanted to say~"you don't deserve this beautiful child!" to this woman. She is such a darling little child, and she was running around and laughing with some other little girls. I wish I could just adopt this little girl...but it also makes me wonder why did he have to take my daughter if some the ones that are on earth are going to be mistreated?

I guess we are supposed to live in a questioning state about the going-ons of the world, and Lord knows that I am constantly puzzled by the condition of the world. Hopefully, He will grant me understanding of my questions when I return home.

Dreams rob me of my beauty sleep...

I had a couple of crazy dreams last night, but one of them has me wide awake at 7 AM on a Saturday...darn this stupid subconscious! I would never do to anyone in real life what I did in my dream...so I feel really guilty right now~ like this is my true heart and I just don't know it yet.

So, in my dream my hubby and I are on vacation (which sounds glorious right now). I meet this young woman, I'll say she was around 22 or so, who was gripping about being pregnant. She actually told me that she was around 12 weeks pregnant, so she was happy that maybe the rough part was almost over. I said to her "I wish someone had been this honest with me when I was pregnant, but sister the first trimester being over is nothing. Anything could happen and don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Now, I would NEVER say this to anyone in real life, but in all actuality, I wish someone had said it to me. I was on cloud nine when week 14 hit when I was pregnant with Lily. I read all the stats on the likelihood of a successful live birth once the first trimester was over. I was just so naive. My ob-gyn was always so quick during all of my appointments, so I thought, well, okay I guess nothing really happens during this time of pregnancy. No one wants to burst the bubble of a pregnant lady, but I'm a hard facts kind of girl...and I would have appreciated knowing some of the things that could happen without having to read a million horror stories on the Internet just to educate myself. I carry some of the blame, because Lily was my first pregnancy and I was more into buying baby girl clothes.

But, I continue this cyclic system of deluding millions of pregnant woman into thinking that the first trimester is all you have to worry about...because I do the customary smile and congratulate everytime I'm told that someone is pregnant and then cross my fingers that she will never feel my pain.

Come on! How much can I take?

My dh and I just got back from a New Years party at one of our neighbor's house, and it was a little painful. There was a 2 year old, a 2 month old, and a pregnant girl~ now listen, I've promised myself that I would be easier on myself and allow my heart to move forward, but how much can one girl take?

I so wanted to be happy and laugh and enjoy myself, but in every corner of the house was a reminder of how different my life now is...I didn't get to complete my pregnancy, Lily will never be 2 months or 2 years old...

I'm wanting to start this year with a fresh and positive perspective, but found myself wanting to hide in the corners the very first day of the year!

Goodbye and good riddance 2008 and hello 2009!

So, I don't have to tell any of you that 2008 was not a good year for me, that goes without saying...

We went to bed last night at 9:30 and slept right through the countdown to 2009. I did manage to hear fireworks going off at 12:01 this morning, but quickly just rolled over to return to slumberland. I'm not normally one of those people that makes a big to-do about New Year's Eve~ well, at least since I've become a real grown-up that only has New Year's day off and must return to work on Friday...and I need my beautyrest, and noone likes me unless I've at least had 7 hours or more of good hard sleep. I did wake up this morning though with positive vibes that 2009 will be a better year than 2008. Its bittersweet though, because I would love to have Lily here to bring in the New Year, but I'm trying to grasp that somethings just cannot be changed. So, 2008 was the year that I said hello and bye to Lily. I have decided to no longer use "hello and goodbye" when describing the day that I saw Lily...because our seperation is only temporary and there was nothing good about that day.

So, here we go 2009~ I'm pumping you up as the year that will deliver, and I don't want to have to badmouth you to 2010, so don't let me down.

God bless and best wishes to all my blogging buddies!
JenJen