phantom kicks...

So, I'm wondering if I'm going to be looked at as if I'm loopy, but sometimes I still feel kicks in my tummy~ just like when I was pregnant with Lily. The kicks don't happen often, but they make my heart stop when they happen, because it seems as if it's one more of nature's cruel jokes. Like when my milk came in, but I didn't have a baby to feed.

I've always heard that people that have had limbs amputated will feel phantom pains. I suppose these phantom kicks are just maybe a mind-playing trick that happens when a baby leaves your body too soon? Or do all pregnant women feel this at the end of their pregnancies?

So many quesions! Not many answers...

A whisper in my ear & peace for my soul

I know God talks to you at unexpected times, but I didn't expect to feel His presence and hear His voice at the movies. I went to see "Seven Pounds" yesterday with my darling bestfriend of 23 years. For months my mind has been stuck on death, but this movie makes you think on how precious each heartbeat truly is...all of a sudden I felt God's peace flood over me. In such a way that I am still in awe. I can't put this moment into words, but I feel such a river of peace going through my soul. He has given me a renewed spirit, and a strength to carry on even if I still miss Lily. To be honest I have really been trying to give God the cold shoulder because I was mad at Him for allowing Lily to die...and to be honest I wasn't really sure that He cared that I wasn't talking to Him, but yesterday He showed His love to me in a special way that again I can't explain wholly, and this was a special moment in my relationship with Him.

I woke up this morning and went to church with so much excitement to learn and be with other believers. I haven't felt this way since Lily died. I'm no longer afraid of death, but I am convicted now on enjoying living now...and know that one day I will be with Him in glory, and will finally hug my daughter. Life is for the living~ and this must be done remarkably and abundantly.

Our first Christmas without Lily

If I said that I had not envisioned this day being entirely different than it turned out then I would be lying to you all. My excitement for Christmas time had returned to the days when I was a kid. All because we would have our Lily here with us. Her absence today was very hard for my husband and I as we watched all our nieces and nephew open their gifts. The same scene as last year and the year before that...yada yada yada...

My hubby and I are having our 3rd annual last Friday party tomorrow (the last Friday of the year just happened to be the day after Christmas this year, so next year it will have to be called something else entirely). I bought a beautiful cana lily plant to go next to her picture to honour Lily during the party. I am also going to keep a candle lit during the entire party. Lily is a member of this family and I will not act like she never existed. There is a very beautiful photo of Lily on the table in our foyer, and I expressed to my hubby that the picture would not be moved under any circumstance when we decided to proceed with the annual party. Sure, a picture of our dead baby isn't exactly the "socially appropriate" photo, but it's a photo of our child nevertheless.

So, I'm ready for this year to be over, and its not even because I have this well of hope that next year will be better...this year was just the worst year of my life, and I figure that it can't get any worse.

Falalala....You know what?! Bah Humbug!

I'm trying so hard to be in the Christmas spirit. My hubby and I went to see our neices in their Christmas play at their church. I've put up the Christmas decorations, bought and wrapped the gifts, put the Christmas cards in the mail. I'm actually ahead of the game as far as that goes, but I'm just not feeling the real reason for the season. I was in church every Sunday and most Wednesdays before Lily died, and I'm sad to admit that I can almost count on one hand how many times I've been to church since losing her. I feel like God loves me, and I still love Him...I'm just so cotton-picking mad at Him for allowing this to happen to me. I'm grateful for all the other things that He has given me in life...but I would almost give all those other things up to have Lily. I say almost because I need my health to be here to take care of her, and my hubby to help raise her, but the material possessions- take em. The job- give it to some other crazy work-acholic...

I just feel like my spirit is miles away from my body...and I'm too mad right now to want to work on things. Pray for me guys, because right now I'm becoming a very bitter infertile.

I've been called a lot of things, but...

Mommy isn't one of them. We were at Atlanta Bread Company eating dinner the other night and I noticed a table of a mom, dad, and a baby that was about a year old when we were going up to order. The little girl was really cute, and of course this instantly made me sad because I will never know what Lily would have looked like as a one-year old (or any age for that matter, and I don't know what she will look like in heaven).

As dinner progressed the little girl did start getting a little noisy, yelling and carrying on, and her daddy was trying to calm her down. Then the little girl started crying and saying "mommy, mommy" with this pathetic little whimper. I started crying with her, because I'm so dying to hear those words, no matter if they are said with a joyful voice or a mad voice...I just want to be mommy.

A childless mommy is not what I want to be...I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them or ease them of their fears. I want to wipe away their tears when they're sad, and to laugh with them when they're happy. I'm not looking to have a house full of kids, which is a blessing, but I just want to be a mommy to at least one (living) child. Is that really so much to ask?

Is it official?

I feel like I've losing my mind! Those of you who know me personally may be thinking "what took you so long to figure it out?" but maybe I do need to get some counseling. Here's the reason: Every other night for like the last 3 weeks I have had a dream that someone I love has died. I'm not going to list the names of the deceased in my dreams because I'm not psychic and don't want people rushing out to increase their life insurance policies. I know these dreams are coming from the fear of losing the ones I love, because of how heartbroken I am over the death of Lily. I just want the dreams to stop because I wake up all upset and weird-ed out. But I will tell you that I normally am extra nice to the person following a dream. So, if I buy your lunch or hug you too many times, well, you probably made the death-dream list.

The dream I had last night is especially upseting because if this person died in real life...I would absouletly give up on life. The world has lost a lot of meaning for me (especially in the last few months) but losing this person would throw me right off a cliff. I love this person with every fiber of my soul and will every day of their lives unconditionally~ so, this dream has me really freaked out.

Whether this is normal going through the grieving process or not- I want it to stop, because sleeping is for rest and I don't feel as if I'm getting any...rest that is :)

No hope for me...

So, we went to see the specialist today. Whatever hope that I had of ever carrying a baby again has been sucked out of my sails. Unequivocally, he says that I should never get pregnant again. He says that it is too life-threatening~ I had to take him even more seriously when he said that if it were his wife, sister, or mother that he would want a doctor to be this open and frank with them. My heart is broken, because not only do I mourn the loss of my daughter, but knowing that I will never feel life move inside me again is very hard for me as a woman.

I told my husband that I should be thankful that the organs that don't work inside me are not the ones that I need to sustain my life. But it is hard as a human to know that after I die there will be nothing left to carry on my genes. I understand that I can still parent a child through adoption, and maybe that person will carry on some of my traits and my essence. I would love any child brought into our home with every fiber of my being, and they will be family through and through. Surrogacy is still an option, but an extremly costly option and still will not guarantee a sucessful pregnancy and live birth.

So, here we are...all little girls plan on getting married and having babies...this is not the happy ending that I had planned on giving my fairytale.

Words from my neice...

I offer the following post to show that kids are so much more advanced than we were at their age. My 9 1/2 year old neice wrote the following post on HER blog about my husband and me...She has always been exceptionally intelligent and empathetic. I have always enjoyed being her aunt, and you all are about to see why:

My Aunt Jen Jen and Uncle Chuck have been wanting to have a baby every since... forever. when the time finally came they were so happy. their lives went perfect. i was glad to see them happy again. but when the time finally came to have Lilly *cries* of course it was on August 3, 2008. it was to early to have Lily. But that day Lilly was born. *cries* Later on that day Lilly *oh and did i mention Lilly is my cousin?* passed away. *cries and sniffles* I never got to meet her. But i wish i got to know her better before she died. I miss Lilly terribley. And this is a prayer that my Aunt Jen Jen and Uncle Chuck *And me* never forget our blessed child *and cousin* of Lilly Angeline Nolf.GOD BLESS YOU GUYS!

These are her words...I love the *cries and sniffles* part~ she writes exactly the way she talks. I thought this was too good not to share!

The wonders of a woman's body...

I was relaxing in the tub last night and my hands (still) instinctively rub my stomach. Which got me to thinking about all that my body has been through this year. I haven't been real good with losing weight since Lily died, but my stomach is not nearly as flat as it used to be, which wouldn't have been such a bad thing if I could've had my baby here with me. Excuse me~ and most of you mamas will agree~ my "girlfriends" will never be the same... the other day our receptionist at work was kidding around about spilling water on her shirt and she said "I'm not really lactating"...and for whatever reason the wind was knocked out of my sails for a milli-second. When I got home from the hospital my "girlfriends" were absoultely enormous and I had leaking issues for about 3 weeks. Which again would never have been a problem if I had my baby with me. I was willing to take all of these changes to have a baby in our home. I was willing to accept the widening of my hips...for my boobies to get even more saggy...to go up a shoe size...all to have a baby in our home. I've only listed the changes that can be seen on the outside, for no one can see how my heart has been forever changed.

Finally ready for some answers...

The doctor that I credit to saving my life while in the hospital is Dr. Trevitt, who is a prenintologist (ms?) , that my ob-gyn called in to consult over my case. Lily died from a concealed abruption, that had been diagnosed as appendicitis. My ob-gyn wanted me to deliver Lily naturally so she began inserting the cytotec onto my cervix, but after 16 hours of this I was still not going into labor. My health was quickly deteriorating so Dr. Trevitt was called in and decided within 5 minutes that an emergency c-section was needed. My husband was told that I might not make it out of the surgery~ people, I was sick...next thing I remember is waking up on the ventilator. I thank God for Dr. Trevitt, he was my guardian angel, without him I would no longer be here to grace all of you with my greatness :)

Dr. Trevitt was in the room when my uterus ruptured...He talked with Chuck minutes after the surgery was over and verbatim told Chuck "if she were my wife, I would never let her use her uterus again"...ugh, so I have been dreading see Dr. Trevitt because of all the emotions that I carry from that day~

We are going to Dr. Trevitt on Wednesday. I have so many unanswered questions. I want to tell him thank you for saving me. He pretty much told my doctor what was going to happen, and she started singing a different song. I will never have satisfactory answers for all the questions. I will never forgive myself for not going to the very best hospital to begin with...I will always feel like I let my sweet baby down. But, if he can answer some of the burning questions than maybe some healing can really begin.

I'm home

So, we are back from our whirlwind trip to Pittsburgh. I wish that I had positive news to report, but no, the quick trip turned out unfornately exactly the way that I had aniticipated. Let me share a few of the lovely comments that I received from the in-laws...1.) " it's hard to lose a baby but its even worse to lose a child"...ok, what exactly does that one mean? 2. My mother-in-law informed me that she "could've had 10 kids if it weren't for her husband's low sperm count, so it's reverse for you guys, Chuck can have kids but you can't" 3.) "I'm always buying for everyone else's grandkids, because I don't have any" . Oh, and she refuses to call Lily by her name, she is just referred to as "the baby" and acted postively repulsed when shown a picture of Lily~ which of course pissed me off...all mommies think their baby is beautiful. Yeah, I'm pissed but I feel worse for my husband, who by nature is soft-hearted and is the most loving and nurturing soul that you could ever meet...and to see him receive little to no support from his parents is heartwrenching for me. Chuck's parents have actually been where we are...so, for them to be so distant is just puzzling. They are nice people, but obviously are just absouletly clueless.

Pittsburgh

We are going to Pittsburgh this weekend to celebrate Christmas with Chuck's parents. We haven't seen them since May for Mother's day, so if you're reading between the lines you will notice that they didn't come to Lily's memorial service. This was very hurtful to my darling of a husband, and their absence was noticed by several others that were at attendance at Lily's memorial service. Lily is their only grandchild...their first grandchild and who knows...maybe their only grandchild. Not only did they not come to the memorial service, but they did not send a sympathy card or any flowers. They didn't call me once while I was out of work for 8 weeks. Chuck is adopted, which I have probably mentioned in a previous post, when he was one month old. But 2 years before they adopted Chuck they did have a baby boy that died during labor due to his umbilical cord wrapped his neck. They didn't hold their baby. They thought we were crazy when we told them that we had pictures of Lily. Parts of me wonder if they are reliving losing their child and they just don't know how to also handle the loss of their grandchild...so they just kind of act like Lily didn't really happen? or if they think its better for us if they act like life is peachy again and nothing has happened...Don't get me wrong~ Chuck has terrific parents, and I got really lucky in the in-law department, they are very giving and loving and treat me like their daughter. I plan on bringing the pictures of Lily on the off-chance that they ask to see a picture of her. I will update on how the trip went when we return on Sunday...

The due date that will never happen...

Today is Lily's due date. Today is the day that the doctor told me would be the "day" that I would meet my baby. Chances are this wouldn't have actually been the day that she would have born if the placenta abruption hadn't happened on August 3rd because all the babies born in my family are born 2-3 weeks early. December 3rd just stands so prominently in my mind because that was the date I was given when I found out that I was going to be a mommy. My heart hurts because I thought that I would have my baby for this Christmas~ I had even bought her a velvet dress to wear for Christmas morning. Normally, I am so optimistic for New Years...I make all the resolutions that I never stick to, and I am so optimistic for all the new things that may pop-up in life in the following 12-months. Now, I go into 2009 with trepidation because what else could happen to me that could possibly wipe out the memories of 2008 from my mind? I found out I was pregnant on my birthday~ no other birtday will have the same significance or will I ever receive a better present than I did when I received my sweet baby.

I'm going to buy one pink balloon for my hubby and I to release tonight. We are going to write Lily a message on the balloon~ and I'm going to light a candle in the angel candle holder that my mom gave me for my birthday. I do this in remembrance and in honour of my daughter's life~ the end of the life that has changed the whole meaning of my life forever.

Lily Angeline

Born into Heaven 8/3/08

~We will love you and think of you everyday until we are reunited~