Fear

Today my hubby and I went to see Australia (a must see for you hopeless romantics~I cried more times than I wish to admit) and a wonderful statement glared in my face while getting comfortable with my chick flick. The moment didn't even happen during the moving, but during the opening moments when the studios name is featured on the screen...I can't remember the name of the studio because I was so fixated on the quote written on the ribbon below their name... "A life lived in fear is a life that is only half lived"...at that moment I realized that I have lived this life of fear since August 3, 2008. When I returned to work after my 8 week medical leave I was petrified of seeing any of the 3 babies that my boss's daughters had given birth to recently or seeing the very young pregnant girl that works in a different department. I'm petrified of going out to eat and seeing the good looking couple carrying in their new baby into the restaurant, and even more terrified to see if this baby is a girl. I feel less trepidation for some reason if the baby is a boy, and I suppose this is because I had a baby girl. How to "snap" out of this fear is something that I don't know how to do just yet, and I don't know if I'm even ready to move to the next stage yet. I know that I can't hold in this "fear" spot forever, but its so hard to let go of this feeling...

Getting the Christmas spirit~

So, my hubby and I have been debating on how crazy to get with our Christmas decorations this year, because we don't want to appear like we are not respectful of our daughter's memory. But, a few of my neighbors have decided to do their Christmas decorations (last year these people did nothing), which prompted me and my hubby to bring our A game this year. I mean we are the obnoixous neighbors...You know the ones where there are like 10,000 lights, a penguin wearing a scarf, snowmen piling up everywhere? Yeah baby, we are those neighbors...I mean Lily wouldn't want her mommy and daddy to look like chumps...

So far I have done a good amount of work in the home (I included some pics with this post), and we haven't been able to do much with the outside since its been raining here in Georgia since Thanksgiving.

Seriously, this Christmas season is not going the way that I had intended it too, but in my heart of hearts I know that she would still want us to enjoy this time of year. So, forced or not, I'm going to hang the lights and the misletoe...and see what happens...

As, you can see even Delilah is getting into the action!! I will post some of the outside as we continue to deck the halls...

Happy Thanksgiving!

My side of the bed faces the bookcase that holds Lily's urn, her picture, and other do-dads that I put up there to honor my daughter. That bookshelf was the first thing I looked at coming into conscienceness this morning. So, I rolled over and told my hubby the things that I am (still) grateful for in my life. I thought that I would share that list with all of you:

1. My relationship with my heavenly Father. I'm thankful to Him that I even have this list to write out because I know without His loving hands involved in my life and left to my devices that my life would not be as colorful. I'm also thankful to Him for the sacrifice of His only son that gives me the opportunity to see my daughter again.

2. My wonderful husband who is a constant source of laughter and support everyday. I have such a good time with my husband every second that we are together. Even when we have serious discussions he can always say side-splitting commentary to have me rolling on the floor. He is such a good provider~ I haven't paid a bill since we got engaged, and I have been blessed to not really have to worry about money because he has everything taken care of (for those of you worried that I can't take care of myself anymore let me assure you that he keeps me involved and up-to-date on all of our affairs). He holds me every time that I've cried whether its because someone hurt my feelings at work or if more importantly I just miss my sweet Lily. He is everything to me~ my bestfriend, my partner, and the father to my child. He is the love of my life.

3. I'm thankful for the short time that I got to spend with my daughter. She is missed every second of the day...and death no longer scares me because I know she will be there holding the Lord's hand when I get to heaven to greet me. I love you Lily!!

4. My family, and as shown in my previous post, especially my sister. All families have their issues, but I know that when needed that they will all be there for each other.

5. My friends~ the ones that you know are there for you no matter what happens in life. You have the ones that you've known since childhood and the ones that you meet along life's journey. I hold them close to my heart, and there are a few that I consider as close as family. Even my blog and BBC buddies~ thank you for pulling me through some of my darkest days with your kind words. You keep me sane on days when I feel as if I'm falling apart. We will probably never meet, but know that there are loving thanks to you~ many virtual ((hugs)) to you wonderful and supportive ladies!

6. My health~even with my broken down uterus...I laugh as I write those words. I'm healthy, other than needing to lose a little weight, but I have no disabilities that keep me from enjoying all the wonderful things that make life worth doing everyday.

7. My job. Even when I vent about being sick of working for a living, and do all of the normal things when complaining of your job...I am thankful that I am gainfully employed with such a great group of people and by such a wonderful company. Everytime any of our home office folks come down for a visit they greet you with a hug..even if its the first time you've met them. They have been a terrific company to work for for the last 6 years. Thank you to my boss. Mary, for giving me the opportunity to work in an environment that I enjoy everyday.

I love this road called my life~ the potholes, and the bumps....and the newly paved roads that make life so enjoyable. Carpe diem! Much love and peace wished to all on not only this Thanksgiving by everyday of the year!

JenJen

I'm posting this pic that I took at a Walmart in Commerce, Georgia for giggles!!!

I have the best sister in the world!

My sister was the first person that I confided in when my hubby and I decided to expand our little family. I tell my sister pretty much everything, and every month she would say "darn it" when I would start my period (this went on for 17 months), so my sister was the first person my husband and I called when we found out we were pregnant. We talk two or three times a day, and she would always ask me how I was feeling, and it honestly felt like she was just as happy and excited as I was to be having a baby after trying for so long and hard.

She has been equally as heartbroken over Lily's death. She is the one of the few people, other than my husband, that still talks to me about Lily like she was a human being. She has never once given me that pity look and said something along the lines of "accepting God's plan" ...She lets me be sad and just listens. She has been counting the days (along with me) until Lily's due date, and even though its not the type of countdown to the due date that we both had hoped for, she is still a constant presence to let me know that living is still worth it. It has been hard for me to want to go one...losing your child is something no mommy should have to endure, whether your child is 23 weeks old or 50 years old...your heart breaks all the same. But Aimee has been the most loving and supportive soul. A true blessing.

As shown when she gave my hubby and I a snowglobe with Lily's name on it over the weekend. The snowglobe plays music and has a tree in it with a sign that says "we never lose the ones we love, they live inside our hearts"...While most people act as if I should be handling things better, she drove an hour to pick up this snowglobe so that we would have it for Lily's due date.

Thank you Aimee for all that you do...and for not just being a great sister to me but for loving Chuck and being there for him like you have always done for me. We both love you~

Unintentional pain

There were a few other ladies who were pregnant the same time I was at work, due dates seperated by mere weeks. These ladies have continued on with their pregnancies (thank the Lord) and are about to pop~ which is a daily reminder of where I should be in life. I overhear conversations of lower back pain, and what their last doctor's appointments were like, and how they are doing their last minute preparations to get ready for their new addition. I am so happy for them (REALLY!) but it still is extremely difficult to not want to run to the bathroom and curl into a ball. I would give anything in life (excluding my relationship with God and my dear hottie of a husband) for things to be differently. I can be moved to tears by the simple thoughts of certain outfits that I bought her, or thinking of all the things on our registry at Babies-r-us that we will never get to bring home to our Lily.

This is going to sound ludacris to some, but even when my husband and I go out to eat and we make a toast before having a drink, we say "here's to Lily"....She is the first and last thought of everyday. I desperately miss her.

Our last day...

I often think about the last day that I spent with my Lily. The day started out so grand with going to yardsales (haven't been to one since that day), having a great lunch, I bought some UGA pacifiers, and took a long nap on the couch. I think about how excited I got with every one of her little movements, and how especially active she was that day. Then I think about how horribly that day ended with some mysterious pain that came out of nowhere. I think about how she was kicking away even as her daddy was driving like a madman to get me to the hospital because of all the pain. I think about how relieved I was when they told me that her heartbeat was terrific and that I was having no contractions. I remember thanking God that my sweet baby was okay, and to keep protecting her. I regret accepting the pain meds and falling asleep and not even noticing that my baby wasn't moving anymore. I am thankful that my husband was able to tell her that we loved her, and that Jesus would be waiting for her. I'm having a hard time right now because our due date is 2 weeks from today...

I love her so much, and I miss her more than I thought could ever be possible...I don't want this to happen to anyone, but WHY did it have to happen to me?

Thanks Similac!

**Let me say "sorry" in advance to all of my non-cussing friends**

So, I'm minding my own business checking the mail after work today, and low and behold what is in my box? A freakin box of Similac formula in a lovely box about how much motherhood rocks, blah, blah, blah...You know what Similac? You can shove that box of formula up your a-double s, because I was going to breastfeed anyway! How in the hellicopter did they know I was pregnant at one time anyhow?

Thank you for letting me vent...I can't throw the TWO huge cans of formula away, because they're almost as expensive as a gallon of gas. Maybe this adoption thing will be quick and they will still be good...

I've never be so pissed to get a free gift!

To the next step...

My husband and I have officially begun the process of adoption since any future pregnancies for me are very unlikely. I could possibly get pregnant again but it would be considered extremely high risk, so I'm trying to be realistic.

We went to a great seminar last night on how to get started in the adoption process, and we have our first appointment to discuss baby preferences, and how to do our profile. We are going to be using an adoption consultant and they guarantee to have a newborn placed in our home in 3 to 12 months. The lady giving the seminar told the group that once you get to the place where it is more important to be a parent than to get pregnant then you are in a good and healthy spot to begin the adoption process.

I feel more hopeful about becoming a mommy...this is certainly not how I planned on accomplishing that goal, but regardless I feel that my husband and I can give a child a good and loving home. So, we will see what the future holds....

I'm trying not to feel guilty though, because I never want to be disrespectful to Lily's memory. I love her more than words can say...

Lily's voice

I was talking to my husband the other day about how I used to read my bible studies out loud while I was pregnant because I wanted to know that as a mother I had always spoken the Lord's name to my child. I told my husband that I was comforted by the fact that when our child reached Heaven that she had already heard His name and how much her mommy loved Him. Below is what I wrote today, as I imagined her hearing my voice everyday and how she felt when she met the Lord.

Lily's Voice

Her voice starts as vibrations in my little world of fluid. What I know of time moves very slowly, but the changes in me happen rapidly. Her steps lull me to sleep, but I jump at the various sounds that my carrier makes throughout the day. She calls herself “mommy” and the other voice that I hear is called “daddy”. Throughout the day I hear mommy talk of this and that and I wiggle around when she laughs. Daddy goes over my ABC’s everyday, and I dance at his silly songs.

We start the days with a story that she reads aloud to me. Everyday they are stories of a man named Jesus. She reads the stories and then talks to Him the same way that she talks to daddy. She asks Him to take care of me, and to help me grow according to His will everyday. She tells Him that she loves Him, and she always ends this talk with the same word “Amen.”

Then one day I am very sleepy, but I hear daddy talking to me and he is telling me that he loves me and to go to a man named Jesus. I know that name! The sleepiness is more than I can handle, and I see bright lights around me, and the lights are much brighter than I’ve ever seen before. I notice that my fluid world is now one of light and I feel very happy. I look up and I am in the arms of a very beautiful man, and I instantly know that this man is Jesus. I tell him that my daddy on earth told me that He would be here, and Jesus tells me that He has always known me and has always loved me. I miss mommy’s voice, but He tells me that she will be here one day with me also, but that she still has work to do on earth.

Jesus carries me to a playground were all of the other children play, and tells me that my days will be filled with happiness and joy. I wish I could tell mommy and daddy how nice it is up here, so that they will not be so sad. I want to tell them that just like Jesus held me in His arms, that he holds them in His hands everyday~ and that He loves them, too.

No, I am not okay!

When people find out that I had a stillborn daughter in August their immediate response is "Wow, you look like you're doing good." What?!? I wanna say "no, I still cry everyday, but just because my daughter's heart stopped doesn't mean that the work has..." but instead I smile and say "well, you have to do the best you can each day..." I understand that some probably believe that they are giving me a compliment, but you know my immediate response is guilt, because I feel as if they think that I'm over her and moved on. This is my issue to deal with, but I'm just so stuck in this overwhelming grief. I don't even remember how to feel happy like I did before Lily died. I function well for the most part, but I carry this sadness in my heart that is hard to describe. I used to roll my eyes when people just gushed about how much they loved their baby the first time they laid their eyes on them, but now I understand, but I don't have my baby with me...

I'm pathetically sad...and the thing is is that there is no end in sight...

Tagged

I've been tagged by Brenna's mommy so here goes~ 7 strange facts about JenJen

1. I love to clean out my ears. I do it everyday and I can't get enough of it. It relaxes me...

2. I secretly know that if I were to get diabetes I would throw myself off a bridge because I can eat Snicker ice cream bars for meals. Snicker ice cream bars are probably the only things that I won't put ranch dressing on because they are that good!

3. I am a history nut, and I am positively obsessed with Henry VIII...His life, his 6 wives, his mistresses, and his kids...can't get enough...

4. I love scary movies, not gory like Saw, but good ghost movies. Like scary where you want to sleep with your bedroom light on.

5. I love tattoos and if I wasn't worried about what people thought so much (and I don't want God to be mad, either) I would have a body full of them...I have one that I got when I was 18 of a turtle on my stomach, which wasn't cute when I was pregnant.

6. The only time I use curse words is when I'm watching Georgia Bulldog football (Go Dawgs)...I drop the f-bomb left and right...my cat and husband are terrified of my mouth by the end of 4 quarters.

7. I met my husband doing online dating, which isn't so much taboo anymore, but people are amazed because my husband and I are perfect for each other.

Ok- now I tag Beth and Jessica...

Live each day by day

The first ultrasound we had in July told us that we were going to have a boy, and we were going to name him Cooper Henry. So, the planner that I am wrote in my datebook on December 3~ Cooper due date...I haven't paid much attention to the month of December yet (on purpose) but today I flipped to December and my heart fell out because I had forgotten that I had written that message on my calendar. We found out Lily was a girl 2 weeks later, and switched gears into girl mode, but didn't change the message on my calendar. Again, the planner that I am immediately started planning the pink and brown nursery~ 3 short weeks later our little Lily would be gone. So, what I'm learning is is that I need to stop planning my future so far in advance. All of the plans I've made for my child are over. I need to just live each day as it comes, because you have no control over the outcome of life.

My husband and I were talking about what if God took Lily because He thought that we weren't going to be good parents. I can't take stock in that theory because I know too many people who, excuse me, suck at being parents and have no business having children and don't take care of the ones that they have. So, this tendency of mine to try to tidy things up and try to control the outcome of ANYTHING needs to end.

I'll start that tomorrow....