I feel like I'm walking a fine line when it comes to being a good friend but wanting to preserve my mental state. I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies these days. I feel like I'm dropping off a meal to an excited family with a new baby with a fake smile plastered on my face. I fake eagerness to hold their new little human that smells so good but then reluctantly hand them back their new bundle of joy. I've done this song and dance so many times. I did this awkward dance the almost 2 years while trying to get pregnant, then after losing Lily and I do this stupid dance all.the.effin.time now.
You should hear the conversations in my head. Maybe, you shouldn't because they make me feel crazy. The conversations about being selfless and being a good friend. The conversations about the unfairness in this world. The conversations about where God is is in all this mess. I know I'm not less deserving to have both of my children or be able to give Cooper a sibling but alas, God seems to think so...
I laugh at conversations (in my head) amongst friends while they chatter on about if they want to have "one more baby" as they say it as it's a given. Oh, to have that arrogance...
I get bitter as I listen to friends talk about their second pregnancies being so much different then their first because this time around they're chasing after their toddler. Wow, what a bother to take care of that living child on yours. On Friday, I listened to a friend actually say that she's not as naive this pregnancy about not losing the baby and that she's actually nervous this time. For her, I feel nervous for her because being pregnant isn't a guarantee that you'll bring a baby home. She's never experienced a loss but at least she's not being arrogant. All I could say as I listened to her talk was say "Yeah..." but I couldn't elaborate and actually got busy putting away picnic stuff because I don't have it in me to encourage others during pregnancy right now. Right now, I'm just sick of being around pregnant people. But, I smile and listen to these conversations while rolling my eyes in my head. I have to be a good friend, right? No one cares about being a good friend to me and maybe, ask just one time if I'm okay...
Oy, it's Mother's Day and I miss my girl. I'm pissed that my Mother's Day will never feel complete...
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1 comment:
oh friend.... no words can take away what you feel. and you are so right. I cringe everytime i hear someone complain cause they got "another boy" and not the girl they wanted. or vice versa. Or those that just happened to get pregnant again without trying.
i'm sure that the conversations that run rampant through my brain are not ones that i could share as well.
keep you chin up and know that you are in my prayers. and some days.... it's ok to say it's bull sh*t and unfair. I think we have earned that right.
Big Hugs to you.
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