She's not forgotten after all~

I was delighted by a few gifts this year that were specifically given in honor of Lily! My hubby gave me the first one (not that he'd ever forget her!) which is this beautiful Willowtree figurine. I had shown it to him while shopping for Christmas cards at Hall.mark and he didn't pay me much attention or so I thought. This figurine really stood out to me because of the lillies that she's holding close to her. Also, Lily would've turned 3 at the beginning of this month so she would be a little girl now and not so much a baby anymore...



I was SUPER shocked to receive 2 butterfly charms for my Pandora bracelet from my in-laws. Yes, the in-laws that normally act as if Lily never existed. And, they did it because of Lily. Christmas miracle, I guess!

My sister gave me a card telling me that 10 trees were going to be planted in Lily's honor at Seminole State Park! Oh, I cried. I'm supposed to get a certificate so hopefully we'll be able to visit the trees soon!

All of these gifts for Lily didn't make me sad because I knew that she was attending the grandest of birthday parties with Jesus! Can you imagine? I hope Christmas was gentle on you, dear friends, as well ((hugs)).

Christmas

I took my rainbow baby (gosh, I guess, he's not so much a baby anymore being that he's 2 but he'll always be a baby to me, lol) to have Christmas pics taken last Saturday at Se.ars. Oh, the experience was horrible. Not with Se.ars but my 2 year old wanted NOTHING to do with having his picture taken. They were so bad (and, he's very photogenic! Really, I'm not being one of those moms!) that I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. I had a hard time using my coupon they were so bad! I ended up buying one of their Christmas collages with Santa on it and used the best pic and the worst pic of the bunch for a naughty and nice theme.

I took Lilybear with us and even changed out her normal pink ribbon for some Christmas ribbon to match Cooper's suit. For new readers, Lilybear is the bear that we got from the hospital when Lily died. She's in every family photo :)

My hubby had a hard moment when we first got there because there are all these pics on the wall of siblings together. His eyes filled with tears and said that he wished Lily was there to take pics, too. This is our third Christmas without her and even though it's gotten easier, there are still those moments that your heart just aches...

My heart is haunted...

I've gone to bed and have woken up for the last few weeks with the memories of meeting Lily for the first time. I could talk about how beautiful she is and how much a mother's love is forever but my thoughts lately have been about feeling guilty. I feel so horrible and guilty that I only spent about 30 minutes with her. Those 30 minutes were basically spent holding her, sobbing and apologizing over and over to her for failing her. I didn't know what to do. I just sent her back to stay in that refrigerator...

I know that I was just holding the shell of her that day and that what made her Lily was already gone. Why didn't I kiss her cheeks? My lips never touched her. Why? I was such a shitty mom.

I was in total shock that day. I had almost died myself and while holding her, my only thought was wanting to be with her but I only spent 30 minutes with her. What the hell was wrong with me?

Maybe, I'm just reliving all of this because it's the holidays but my heart truly feels like it's haunted by these regrets of not spending more time with her...

Winner!

Thank you to all that entered the giveaway! I plan on stopping by each and every one of your blogs to get to know you and your precious babies very soon!

So, onto the winner! I used a random number generator (random.org) to pick the winner, even took a pic :)

And, comment number 24 is Bree, The Traveling Teacher! Please, send me your contact info to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com and I will get this lovely picture to you pronto!

25 days of giveaways!

I'm so excited to be participating in the 25 days of Giveaways presented by Tina! I'm sorry that you're coming to participate because it most likely means that you're a babyloss mom. Let me say that I am so sorry for your loss (or losses) and send you huge ((hugs))!

For new visitors, my name is Jen and I am the proud mommy to Lily, who was born stillborn at 23 weeks due to a placenta abruption. We had tried for 18 months and endured 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her so our lives just crumbled when we lost her. We got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Cooper, about 9 months after losing Lily. Cooper was born at 31 weeks due to complications from placenta increta. He has done so much to bring joy back into our hearts and our home again. We miss Lily every day. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't say her name or think about how life should be...

So, I saw this butterfly wall decor while shopping and knew that it would be prefect for this giveaway. I'm going to make this so simple and all you have to do is leave a comment with your baby(ies) name(s) and leave your blog address because I would love to come visit! I will pick a winner using a random number generator. OH, and you must be a babyloss parent to participate! Thanks!

Yesterday marked 3 years of what should've been Lily's due date and although the day no longer overwhelmes me with sadness, I do still have those moment of futile what-if's. What if we had gone to a better hospital? What if I had picked a better ob-gyn? What if they had caught the abruption in time? Oh, how these questions still plague my mind and I guess they always will...

My hubby and I had our 4th date night in 25 months last night (I purposely did it on December 3rd knowing that it would be nice to give my mind something else to look forward to) and it was a really nice night. We had a couple glasses of wine and made a toast to our sweet girl every few minutes. We just toasted to her how much we loved her and missed her...

Thank you to those that lefts words of support on my last post. Mostly, thank you for not trying to force me off the bitter train and allowing me to feel anger. Sometimes, just listening and not trying to fix something is the best that others can do so I appreciate it! xoxo

I'm going through a rough patch right now, emotionally. I don't think it really has to do with the holiday season, either. It has to do with the fact that I'm feeling surronded by...freaking pregnant people. Seriously, at least once a week for the last month and a half there has been a new pregnancy announcement within my group of mommy friends. I mean it makes sense, our kids are almost 2 so I guess getting knocked up again is what normal people do, right?

I mean, I'm just so pissed at the universe that I can't give Cooper a sibling. I know some people chose to just have one kid but I've always wanted 2 and not in the way that I have 2 kids. I'm just so pissed that I don't have a choice in the matter. So, now I get to listen to others bitch about morning sickness or how they want to deliver at 37 weeks. Get the hell over yourself because you sign up for 40 weeks!

I'm in a really pissed off and bitter mood. My SIL was telling me about a 19 year old that she works with that is on her 3rd kid. WHY HER? Why did my body do this to me? Why? Why? Why?

NO one would ever tell normal people to just be happy to have one kid and stop but everyone thinks I should just be happy for the one that I have...I'm just pissed. Let me be pissed.

25 days of giveaways!

This year I am participating in the 25 days of Giveaways! I will be hosting a giveaway on December 7th so don't forget to stop by! You can learn more by clicking on the button below!

Happy December!

Day 30

I'm going to be honest and say that I totally didn't think that I would do all 30 days! I thought for sure that I would slack off around day 16 figuring it would be just like a diet where I do great for about 2 weeks ;) There were some posts that I did combine a couple of days BUT here we are, the last day of November!

I'm going to just wrap the month up with saying that I am thankful for every day that I wake up! Life is so short. One day, we are the present but one day, we will be the past. Gosh, it is so weird to think that one day, I will be gone. I am so glad that Cooper is here so that some piece of me will continue on and I pray that I have a lot of grandkids who then have a lot of kids...yeah, you get where I'm going with this. None of us want to be forgotten when we're gone. So for now, for today, I am just so happy to be here. I'm blessed to be able to talk, walk, love, hug, sing, dance and all of those other wonderful things that make life fun :)

I hope I didn't bore all of you with my list and thank you for reading! XOXO!

Day 29

Today, I am thankful for the blessing of being a mother. I always say that Lily made me a mother but Cooper made me a mommy. A mother is carrying a child inside of you, loving this child and willing to die for that child. A mommy is being in the trenches, changing diapers, wiping up snot, doing anything and everything day in and day out. I'd die for Cooper in a heartbeat, too (hence, not terminating him at 17 weeks like the docs recommended). I LOVE knowing that there are 2 humans that were given life because of me and my husband loving each other.

I wouldn't trade this blessing for anything in the entire world!

Day 28

Today, I want to specifically tell the babyloss community how very thankful that I am for each and every one of you. I joined this (suck ass) club on 8/3/08 knowing that my heart was forever changed. The stopping of her heartbeat had forever changed the beating of mine. I didn't see the world the same and although, I am happier these days, my heart will never totally heal. The very first babyloss blog that I read was Beth's blog for her daughter, Ada, and from there I found one babyloss blog after another. I wasn't alone. I found other women who grieved for their babies, the babies that we never got to hear cry or see their eyes. The other women that were treated (by the world) as if they should "let go" because, of course, "you can just have another one!" and we huddled around each other to give a virtual bird finger to whatever dumb-a*s hurt one in our community.

I found a sisterhood of grieving mommies that gave love and advice during dark times and celebrated with me during the good times. Thank you and I love you...really, I love you...

Day 27

Today, I am thankful for my memories, those snapshots of time that are (for now) securely kept in my brain. I've worked in nursing homes for years (my pre-Cooper life) and I've seen the heartbreaking effects of Dementia and Alzheimer's and I truly believe that a life without your memories is a fate worse than death. And, I'm not being dramatic with that statement...

I have the memories of my first date with my hubby, our wedding, and meeting both of my babies for the first time as being my most favorite memories...

Day 25-26

Day 25- I'm thankful for the book Someone Came Before You which I bought off Ama.zon the other day to give to Cooper for Christmas. It talks about the baby before him that never got a chance to come home. He's still to young to understand that he has a big sister and that he's really not an only child. I included a picture of the cover because it's heartbreakingly sweet...

Day 26- On a silly note, today I am thankful for my sleep number bed. I had some muscle aches the last two days from the flu.mist vaccine then I fell on the pavement today while shopping so I'm so sore! I think I'll be putting my side's settings down for some extra softness, lol...

I swear I'll have some deeper thoughts on thankfulness as this 30 days starts to wind down!

Day 24

Today, I am thankful for my sweet neice, Abbi, who turns 7 today! She is always good for laughs and is such a special little girl! I love you!

AND, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you're surrounded today by loved ones and stuff yourselves full of turkey and happy memories :)

Day 23

I'm cleaning my house in preparation for hosting the big Thanksgiving meal tomorrow so today I am thankful for my overpriced townhouse. It's 3000 square feet keep me busy with constant dusting and it's floor plan makes it impossible to buy baby gates to contain my over curious toddler is ludicrous but there's no place like home!

My hubby actually purchased our townhome about a year before we met. It was decorated sparsely like any good bachelor would do so it was a blank canvas for all my decorating dreams. This home is where we had our first kiss, we've celebrated and mourned within these walls, we've hosted our last Friday parties and have spent countless nights just being lazy.

I love this house but it's not our forever home. So, for now, I'm thankful for all the safety and security that it provides us everyday...

Day 22

I'm in no way endorsing the current state of our schools but I am saying that I'm ready for it to be back in session next week. I'm thankful that Monday through Fridays I am able to enjoy being out in public without it taking twice the time that it normally would because school age children are running amuck. Go back to school...thanks ;)

Day 19-21

I obviously suck at doing my thankful posts on the weekends, lol...

Day 19- I am thankful to be a citizen of the United States of America! When I was pregnant with both of my babies, I would talk to them and tell them that I may not be able to give them every last thing they'll want but I can give them the blessing of being born in the greatest country on the planet. I can be totally pissed at Congress but I would never live in another country. I will visit other countries and buy souvenirs but that's it!

Day 20- I am thankful for my family. I'm thankful that when we need each other emotionally that everyone steps up. Yes, we have disagreements like all families but I know that in the end that they're always there for me...

Day 21- I am thankful for good and reliable transportation. My car battery died twice this weekend and thankfully my hubby was there to jump my car off both times. He went and bought a new battery last night and I was so happy that it started up with no problems this morning! I feel badly for the people that have to take the bus in inhospitable weather and I really never want to be one of them. Again, I am spoiled, and I readily admit it. I remember taking public transportation a lot when I was a kid and don't want to do it now unless, of course, in an emergency...but, thank God that public transportation is there for those that need it!

Day #18

Today, I am thankful for being able to pick-up toys around the house. This sounds silly but I got a warm feeling in my heart tonight as I picked up Cooper's mega blocks that were all over the living room. These toys and the little boy that plays with them make this house a home...

Day 17

I guess today's post is going to be a combination of a thankful post and talking about World Prematurity Awarness Day so bear with me...

I started working with the March of Dimes the Spring after Lily died. I was heartbroken and needed to do something in her memory so we did the March for Babies walk and raised $1700. The cool thing was that I had found out that I was pregnant with our rainbow baby just days before the walk. My head and heart were so clouded with still having so much grief for Lily but have shards of hope push through with the thought of having a new baby growing inside of me. Our rainbow baby, Cooper, was born that November and he accompanied us to the walk in 2010. I make it sound so simple but in actuality, my pregnancy with him was life-threatening for both of us. His birth wasn't the happy experience that I always dreamt it would be. He was born at 31 weeks and I didn't even get to see him for 12 hours and didn't get to hold him for 2 days. He spent almost 6 weeks in the nicu and came home on a dreary December day. Actually, it could've been snowing outside but all I saw was my precious and perfect little one, nothing else mattered. Lily never came home in the way we wanted but her little brother did. He doesn't erase her absence but his presence has lifted a lot of the heartache. We've now worked with the MOD for 3 years and have raised more than $6,000.00 and will work with them every year until I am unable to walk anymore myself. Heck, I may still do it but rent a motorized wheelchair!

I talk about both of my babies today. The little baby girl that left us at 23 weeks which has left my heart forever changed and the little baby boy that came into this world with a vigorous cry at 31 weeks.

13 million babies will be born prematurely this year. 1 million of those babies will never come home. 1 in 8 babies will be born prematurely in the United States. We're one of the most developed countries in the world but still 1 in 8 babies will be born too soon.

Today, I am thankful for every single person that helped my son in the nicu. The nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, and those sweet chaplain ladies that helped us bring our sweet boy home. That sweet boy has brought me out of the depths of despair and into the world of the living and happy again.

Days 14-16

Day 14- I am thankful for my little luxuries in life! My star.buck's runs are my favorite treats! Oh, how I love the gingerbread lattes :)

Day 15- I am thankful for mom's nights out, like Monday night's impromptu wine night with a few mommy friends. I only got 6 hours of sleep and had a slight hangover which wasn't cool with chasing around my 2 year old the next day but whatever!

Day 16- Today, I am thankful for electricity, seriously. Last night, our power went out around midnight and about 3 hours later all 6 of our fire alarms were saying "low battery" so my hubby goes down stairs to start changing batteries and sets off the house alarm which surprisingly didn't wake up Cooper. The power came on while my hubby was changing fire alarms and I was so happy because the air conditioning started working again. Yes, I'm a spoiled American...

Day 13

Today, I'm thankful for day's like today. A day where there is nothing planned and we just went through our day without a care in the world. I got to sleep in, we had lunch out, we went shopping and then we had a simple dinner at home.

I'm so happy for my life with my boys. I don't care what we're doing just so long that we're together...

Day #12

I'm going to be completely honest and I say that I was always wary of other women until I became a mom. Before becoming a mom, I was still shallow enough to care about being prettier, having a cuter outfit, or have your choice of any other catty/immature behavior. Hey, I'm being truthful...

These days, between running to one therapy session to the next or some other duty to a special needs child, I'm just happy to brush my teeth everyday. BUT, some of my closest girlfriends now are other moms. We don't go shopping at the Gap together but instead meet at the park with our star.bucks and talk about life. I've met some wonderful women through my mom's club and through MOPs. Oh, how some of my insecurities about motherhood were lessened when I started hanging out with other moms! I stopped crying in his nursery at 3 am and instead confessed my recent bad mommy moment to my other mommy friends and hearing "yeah, I've done that before, too!" goes a long way to alleviating guilt. And, there is no greater guilt than mommy guilt...

So, thank you to all my mommy friends!

Day #11

Today, I'm thankful for my son's therapists! Cooper has been in physical therapy since he was 6 months old and it was originally thought that he had torticollis. His physical therapist told me thtat she thought Cooper had hypotonia at the end of his second appointment. I'm so grateful for the early diagnosis because he has received such awesome treatment. This diagnosis led to things like feeding therapy with speech therapy and he's on his second stint with occupational therapy. God has given us just wonderful and caring therapists!

Day #10

Today, I am thankful for my blogs, especially Lily's blog, because I've been blessed to become friends with some awesome human beings! Most of the friends that I have made along this journey are fellow babyloss mommas but some are just people that happened upon my blog and for some reason they don't think I'm crazy and keep on reading, lol...

I have a group of blm friends that have been there since virtually day one of this crappy journey. I found a group of women that knew exactly what I was feeling and knowing that I wasn't alone was so freeing. I hate that other women know this pain but I didn't feel so alone in my isolation anymore.

I have one (known) male reader and I just love that he reads my blog posts and gives such awesome and caring advice. He doesn't make me feel like some crazy hormonal mom that needs to let things go. I won't point you out but you know who you are and THANK YOU.

I've had a few opportunities recently to meet some of my blm friends! Here are some pics :)

Me and Beth, Ada's mommy (she has 2 rainbow babies now!). Beth was my first blm friend and the first follower on my blog!

Me and Cass, Nathan's mommy.

Me and Susan, Gracie's mommy. I don't do this very often but the little boy in the pic is my rainbow baby :)

Day #9

Today, I want to give a big thanks to our military and their families! I so admire all the men and women that enlist to protect our country and wish that I had the guts to do the same. I'm willing to admit that I couldn't/wouldn't enlist when I was younger because I knew I would be homesick and now I couldn't/wouldn't enlist because I can't imagine leaving my husband and child. There are men and women everyday that are willing to sacrifice it all, including their lives to keep our country safe. The wives and husbands that are left at home to care for their families while their spouses are deployed are also heroes in my book!

So, THANK YOU from this coward to all the brave men and women (and, their families) in our military!

Day #8

Today, I'm thankful for good health insurance because it has been such a blessing to us since becoming pregnant and since becoming parents to a preemie (31 weeker) with special needs.

We have Unit.ed Health.care's health saving's account which means that money is taken from my hubby's check every 2 weeks and is deposited into a health care account. It's tax-free money, too! The catch is that it has a pretty sizeable deductible, it's $2300 per person or $4500 for the family. Sadly, we've had no problems meeting our deductible since we started using it in 2008.

2008- My hospitalization with Lily was $55,000

2009- My pregnancy with Cooper was high-risk so I went to the doctor every 2 weeks and went to the peri on the opposing weeks. Then, my hospital bedrest and Cooper's nicu charges came out to $368,000!

2010- Cooper was a 31 weeker so he qualified for the Synagis shot (it's supposed to protect preemies from RSV) and it was $1200 a pop so our deductible was met by February!

2011- Cooper's PT costs $330 PER HOUR! So, our deductible was met by April...

I'm not ignorant to the fact that not every American in this country has the ability to pay for such great insurance and this is why I'm so grateful!

Day #7

Today, I want to talk about my sister, Aimee, who is one of the most kind people on the entire planet. I'm going to be frank with all of you and tell you that I'm not very close to the rest of my family but I couldn't live without my sister.

My sister and I are only 18 months apart in age so most people thought we were twins while we were growing up. Funny, she has blonde hair and blue eyes while I have reddish brown hair and hazel eyes, but whatever! When we were growing up everyone would say that she's the nicer of us but I think she's getting a bit mouthier as she ages, lol...(I love you!)

Aimee has 3 beautiful and wonderful girls and she is an awesome mommy! She's a great sister and we talk on the phone at least 3 times a day. She's a great aunt and I think she loves Cooper almost as much as I do! She's just a wonderful human being and I'm so proud to know her and love her...

Day #6

This one again is related to my awesome hubby but today I'm thankful for being a stay-at-home mom. We decided I would stay home with the kids before we were even married because this was important to both of us. Some call this arrangement (being a SAHM) as a luxury but no, it's a sacrifice and I'll explain...

It is a luxury in the fact that I won't/don't miss any of my son's new milestones but it's a huge sacrifice in the budget department. We watch every penny now whereas when I was working, we spent money like it was going out of style. My hubby works very hard everyday to bring home a paycheck and then works very hard to keep us on a budget.

Sometimes, I miss working, not because I don't enjoy being with my son but I miss having adults around and I miss having lunch breaks, lol...

One day, I'll go back to work (part-time) but for now, I'm just enjoying being a mommy. I didn't go through a high-risk pregnancy (and, lose my uterus) to only see him for a few hours a night and weekends. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm looking down on working parents BECAUSE I'M NOT. I have nothing but the upmost respect for any good parent whether that means you're working or staying at home.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't/couldn't dream about putting him in daycare with his special needs. I would be a neurotic mess wondering what they were doing for his exercises and if they were not meeting all of his needs in his way because he's not like all the other kids. I don't know if they have daycares like that...I've never looked to be honest.

So, in essence I've traded in adult and stimulating conversations for convos about Mickey Mouse. I've traded in stressful reports and projects for building block towers and playing with cars. I wouldn't have it any other way...

Day #5

Well, let's get the "I'm thankful for my health" post out of the way. We should all be thankful if we're healthy but let me put it out to the world that I don't take it for granted. The only times I've not been completely healthy is when I was pregnant other than that, I'm good to go, thank God! I need to lose weight but I'm working on that...

I was reminded last week while my son was in the hospital about how precious your health really is. My heart clinched each time that I saw a child with no hair so it was obvious that they had cancer. I'm even more grateful for my child's health because I can't imagine how those families must feel to see their little ones go through something that could take their child from them. Oh, it brings tears to my eyes to even think of it.

Day #4

Please, don't read this post if you're not ready to read about rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy loss). We're all at different stages of grieving and I recognize and am sensitive to that fact. Proceed with caution if this is a touchy subject for you...

I can't really and fully put into words how thankful that I am for Cooper, for everything about Cooper. Cooper just turned 2 on Tuesday and is absolutely the joy of our lives. We've had some challenges presented our way since Cooper came into our world, including my pregnancy with him, but quite honestly, I would live every challenge a 1oo times again just to have him in our world. Cooper has hypotonia (low muscle tone) and was recently diagnosed with Dysarthria (which I'm not completely sold on but that's a different story). In essence, at 2, he is unable to walk yet and doesn't really talk well, either. He was born at 31 weeks and has always been a fighter. I don't know why God has chosen him to go through so much but God has also given Cooper a will like no other human that I've ever seen. He's a fighter. He started therapy at 6 months when he couldn't even pull his head up off the floor during tummy time to now he's doing everything but walking. It's been a long journey and he's worked so hard. He's endured physical therapy for 18 months of his life, he's worn braces that have gone up to his knees, he's been in OT twice, he's endured an MRI and CT scan, countless genetics tests, has a new SPIO (special stablilizing vest for his trunk), and the list goes on and on...and, he has a smile on his face about 98% of the time (hey, he's a 2 year old boy not a saint! lol).

Cooper makes the saying "turn your lemons into lemonade" a truth everyday. He's sweet, funny, adventurous, curious, and loving. He's my joy.

Day #3 of thankfulness

I love both of my babies but I'm going to talk about Lily today. Oh, precious Lily, so fought for and so longed for everyday. It took me almost 18 months and 2 surgeries to get pregnant with her. Her life taught me patience. Each month during that 18 month period had tears of frustration if I'm going to be completely honest (okay, well, I was OKAY the first 6 months of trying...) but I always had hope that "next" month would be "the" month and that kept me going. Her death gave me a sense of mortality and to not take a single thing for granted. Seriously, I had never lost anyone close to me until she died. Yeah, I lost a grandfather when I was like 7 but I didn't even know him. Some would say that I didn't know Lily either but those that think that are 1. not mothers or 2. idiots. How can you not know someone that lives inside your body?

Her short life taught me so much and I try to remember how fragile life is everyday. One day your life can feel *perfect* and the next, it can feel as if it's slipping away.

30 days of thankfulness

I thought about doing this blog project on Cooper's blog but then decided I'd rather do it on Lily's because I want to show others that you can still see the good and have hope after a loss. I'm a day behind so I'm going to do two things that I'm thankful for in this post.

1. Sometimes I'm more faithful and obedient than other times but I'm most thankful for my relationship with God. I've never kept it a secret from anyone that I believe in a higher power and I'm aware that all the good things AND bad things that happen are from Him. Sometimes, it's the bad things that make you want to turn away and even when you do for a period, He's always there to take you back with open arms. I've never once felt alone in the last 5 years (this November will mark 5 years since we started trying to have a family.) and it's not because of my family and friends. He was there when I was curled in a fetal ball in the shower wishing that I had died with Lily. He was the reason that I uncurled from that ball and continued on with hope.

2. My hubby makes #2 on the list! He's hot. He makes me laugh. He thinks I'm pretty after 2 babies and still not being at my pre-pregnancy weight even though my youngest baby is 2. He knows what I want to eat at every restaurant and will watch episode after episode of any girlie show just because he wants to be around me. He's passionate and vocal about what he believes in. He's marvelous, really...I don't know what I'd do without him :)

On second thought

I received a call today from the hospital where I delivered the memory boxes and they've given away 2 of the boxes already. Oh, how my heart breaks for these two families. They're close in my heart and lifted up in prayer for peace and comfort...

Which leads me to making my blog as public again. I'm going to remove the post with Lily's pics because they're sacred to me but I want this blog to serve it's original purpose again of being an outlet to newly grieving babyloss parents. I want them to know that they're not alone and that there is a community with open arms that's ready to embrace them and give them love and support.

So, I guess that means I won't be using (much) profanity again, lol...

Love,
Lily's mommy

Gnawing

Grief is a gnawing feeling that never really goes away and there are some days where it just smacks you right in the face. That day was Saturday.

There were two other families at my hubby's work that were expecting babies in December 2008 when I was pregnant with Lily. We were all like a week apart in our due dates but they got to bring home their babies whereas mine died. I know this shouldn't matter but both of these other ladies already had kids at home and Lily was my first so Christmas 2008 sucked ass. Maybe that's not sound logic but their houses were already brimming with kids and ours was ridiculously and unnervingly quiet that Christmas. The echos of the what-could-have-beens where bouncing off the walls.

My hubby's work had a function on Saturday and both of those other ladies with their almost 3 year olds were there. Seriously, at one point, I wanted to throw up. Their lives should be my life. I should be chasing a three year old around, too, damn it. And, I know it's not a big deal but one of the ladies referred to her daughter as a drama queen and that pissed me off. What I wouldn't do to deal with Lily's drama everyday.

I don't know. I'm pissed.

Private

I think about how open I have allowed my life to become with this blog and how violated I feel everytime I receive a random comment or spam message through my email. I don't like it, it makes me feel weird.

I've decided to make Lily's blog private. I know I'm going to lose readers which makes me sad but I think making my blog private will actually allow me to share more. I worry about people in real life reading this blog and sometimes hold back. This will give me the opportunity to be 100% honest. There is more to me than what I've share so far, hard to believe, huh?

I'm going to leave things public for a few days but if you would like to continue following then please send me an email to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

xoxo,
Jen, Lily's mommy

One more thanks!

Last but certainly not least, is a pic from Trennia! Sister, I'm sorry that I didn't include this in the first post but it was in my other email and I have to write posts so quickly these days (due to a very mobile Cooper!) that it somehow didn't make the first post...

Thanks so much! xoxo!

Birthday thanks!

I've been so blessed to "meet" some remarkable women since losing Lily and have considered these friends to be my silver lining in my post-Lily life. Yes, people that you've never met in real-life can be "friends" and actually, I go to some of these women with issues before I go to friends that I have in real-life.

Some of these friends took time to remember Lily on her birthday in the way of pics with her name or lighting a candle. My heart became so happy with each new pic. Thank you for remembering her with me.

Hollie (Cameron's mommy)

Christy (Leila's mommy)

Bree (Ella's mommy)

Holly (Jordan and Carleigh's mommy)

Nichole (Lily's mommy)

Maggie (Alexandra's mommy)

Emalee (Kenner's mommy)

Prayers

I made a friend with a December 2009 momma when she lost her second baby, Lainey, at 23 weeks last October. We hooked up on face.book and we actually only live about 40 minutes from each other. She got pregnant with her rainbow baby earlier this year and was due in October. She found out yesterday, at 31 weeks, that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Two babies in Heaven. I haven't been able to stop thinking of her. She went to the hospital to be induced to meet her precious baby that's been nicknamed squishy baby because she doesn't know the sex yet. She wanted to save that surprise for their birthday and I'm sure this wasn't the birthday that she wanted for this precious baby...

Can you please lift her and her family up in prayer today and for the days to come...No mother should lose one baby and losing 2 just beyond tragic.

Words from a BLD

My hubby wrote this poem for Lily's 3rd birthday. He's such a strong man but I know that he carries a lot of hurt still. When I asked him if I could share this poem on my blog he said "it's probably too depressing for people". My response "your baby dying is depressing and everyone in the babyloss world understands...."

My pain

Three years have past since I touched your skin
In my heart it feels like a day
A different man now lives in this body of mine
A broken creature who holds the same name

For me there is no bright side to see
No silver lining within this dark cloud
Some look skyward and force smiles from pain
But my soul shrieks screams that are loud

I have tried to find some peace since you left
I have tried thinking of the grander plan
But none of those thoughts have a chance to replace
Dreams of my smiling girl holding my hand

Eternity in heaven will be great someday
Being with you should put pain in the past
That future should make me forget these years that we lost
But my focus on the present continues to last

I can’t not let go of the anger I face
Each morning as I welcome the day
I’ve been robbed of the very most precious of gifts
And I can’t wipe my need for vengeance away

I am sorry that I can’t heal the way I should
I want you here so much it hurts
But no matter how nicely I spin this disaster
My upward looking turns downward to the dirt

After all this time my wound is fresh as new
My life that remains is often hard to manage
Some would think that a wall wouldn’t miss one small brick

But when mine fell I could not control the damage

Lily's balloons

This is just a quick video of our balloon release from yesterday. I do have the pics of the balloons for those that wanted their baby's name on the balloon and I will post those soon!

Pics of Lily's 3rd birthday!

I so wanted yesterday to be a day of love and celebration and not a day of mourning. I think we succeded in having a day full of remembrance and very minimal tears!

We started our day with butterfly shaped blueberry pancakes!

The message on the inside of the box lids. This was my last touch to make the boxes perfect!

The boxes and Lilybear. LB was part of our memory box when we left the hospital without Lily. She still sleeps in the bed with us.

My rainbow and me with the balloons that we sent to Lily for her birthday~

Lily's little brother and daddy :)

What my daughter's death has taught me...

1. God always loves you. I now know that her death wasn't meant as a punishment. In the first few weeks and months, I was pretty sure that He allowed her death because of my really rawdy and raunchy college days (hey, I went to UGA!). I now this isn't the case. How do I know? Because I know a man named Jesus. I'm confident in His promise.

2. Sometimes life is just unfair. Crappy things happen to good people all the time. Yes, your child dying exceeds the definition of crappy but you get me. And, yes, I'm totally defining myself and my hubby as good people because we are...

3. Life is precious. Every single heartbeat and breath is a miracle. Another day to be YOU. There is only one YOU. That's why I miss Lily still to this day. There can never or will ever be another HER.

4. This is how love should be:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4"

This is the love that I have for her every.single.day. Yes, I love my hubby, I have since our second date! True story! And, my love for him also fits this description but I don't think I truly acknowledge this true and perfect love until I lost her.

5. Years take away the sting but they don't take away all the pain. I don't cry every day, heck sometimes, I go months now without crying BUT I miss her everyday.

6. Live your life with purpose. I want to make her proud. I will never allow her to fade into the background so everyday I will strive to be the best me. Whether that best me is moody one day and super sweet the next day, I will always be there for others.

7. It's the little things in life that people notice. I will always say "please" and "thank you" to others. I will always hold the door open for the person leaving the store at the same time as me. I will always say "bless you" even to a stranger that sneezes. I will occasionally (hey, I do have a budget, lol) buy the coffee for the person behind me in the Star.buck's drive thru. I will tell my hubby and child that I love them every.single.day. I will play with Cooper even though I'd rather sit on the couch. I will kiss his cheeks as many times a day as possible. I will sweep the floor everyday because I know it makes my hubby happy. I'll never let the sheets go a week without being washed because I know my hubby loves to sleep in a clean bed.

8. To always, always love life. Don't ever take it for granted.


Dear Lily,

Happy birthday! I LOVE you!!!! Watch for your balloons today!

I can't wait to give you hugs and kisses one day, sweet girl..

Mommy

One last day

Tomorrow, I will have to officially say that Lily has been gone for 3 years. Wow.

The Jen of August 2, 2008 wouldn't even know who she was looking at now. How much stronger and weaker that I can be all at the same time. My faith in God unshakeable on August 2, 2008 despite 18 months of trying to conceive. Her death rocked that faith to it's foundation. Most days, my faith is solid but other days, I still question. The Jen of August 2, 2008 would've never done that. Maybe, the Jen of August 2, 2008 took things for granted and was naive because "bad" things like losing a baby never happen to loving, God-fearing people. They do everyday.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and time will still be moving. But, tomorrow will all be about HER and what she's taught me...Tomorrow, I won't wonder what 3 years and one day will feel like.

I love you, sweet baby. Forever.

Treasures

I keep the box of Lily's things from the hospital in our fireproof safe and I don't really get them out very often. I think it's been a little over a year since the last time that I took them out. I felt an overwhelming urge to get the box and her little dresses, hats and blankets out and touch them over the weekend.

As pissed as I still am at my ex-ob-gyn and her lack of skill (just my opinion!), I will say that the hospital staff was very loving and gentle with her. They brought Lily to my hubby in an adorable little dress with pink and blue hands on it, a tiny pink knit hat and a beautiful pink knit blanket. I didn't get to see her until late the next day so when they brought her to me, she was wearing a white dress with a cross stitched on the front, a purple hat and a purple knit blanket. We've got all the dresses, hats and blankets in Zip.loc bags. There are still blood stains on these dresses. I didn't care and proceeded to press them into my face and take a deep breath in. These dresses physically touched her. They laid on her perfect, tiny body.

They also did 3 sets of foot prints for us which have just been sitting in the box. I scanned one last night so that I could show people her tiny and perfect feet! I've also decided to have a tattoo made of them, as well <3

There were a few tears but overall, I'm just so relieved and happy to have these items. They're my treasures...

Not in the mood

I'm the vice-president of our mom's club and we had our board meeting this morning. We're trying to hammer out the August calendar of events and they wanted to go get frozen yogurt on August 3rd. They don't know the significance of this date but I just said that I couldn't make it on that day...Would it hurt to get frozen yogurt on her birthday with my and Cooper's friends on her birthday? No. I just don't want to.

I don't want to go and act that my heart is all light and fluffy with a group of (lovely) people that have no idea what I'm feeling. My hubby and I are both having a difficult time with Lily's 3rd birthday. I guess because 3 years sounds like such a long time.

I want to wake up on Wednesday and take care of my boy, Lily's brother. Light her candle. Maybe, make heart shaped pancakes. I'm going to take her boxes to the hospital and pick up some pink balloons. I just want to be close to my family on that day. I'm even going to skip bootcamp. I just don't have it in me to be fake that day. Her day.

Beautiful, heartfelt cards

Let's face it, there are NO hall.mark cards that are going to be adequate in the way of babyloss. Our community and our babies are too depressing for the general masses. So, thank God for a fellow babyloss mom, Franchesca who is mommy to sweet Jenna Belle. Franchesca is also the talent behind Small bird studios which I'm sure many of you are familiar with :)

I bought this beautiful card to go inside Lily's boxes. It says "I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. May the peace that passes all understanding surrond you." I knew this was *the* card the moment that I saw it...




If you're in the market for a baby loss card (and, I hope you're not...) but these cards are beautiful. She also does cards for families with a baby in the nicu. She's sadly familiar with both those worlds, nicu and babyloss...Thank you, Fran, for providing us with these beautiful pieces of art that convey exactly what our hearts feel xoxo

Lily's memory boxes

I've been working on the boxes for Lily's birthday for the last couple of weeks and I'm almost done! I'm compiling the list of books on grieving and I have to find the perfect words for the beautiful cards that I bought for the boxes. The cards were designed by Franchesca and they deserve a post all their own which I will be doing in the next day or so!

But, here are the boxes so far! :)

A teddy bear to cuddle, a blanket to wrap around the baby and take home with them, a journal to write down all the emotions that will come up in the hours, days, weeks, months following the baby's passing, a disposable camera, a picture frame and a hand (or foot) mold.

I'm going to decorate the outside of the box more about right now I have pink and blue baby hands and feet stickers.