Gnawing

Grief is a gnawing feeling that never really goes away and there are some days where it just smacks you right in the face. That day was Saturday.

There were two other families at my hubby's work that were expecting babies in December 2008 when I was pregnant with Lily. We were all like a week apart in our due dates but they got to bring home their babies whereas mine died. I know this shouldn't matter but both of these other ladies already had kids at home and Lily was my first so Christmas 2008 sucked ass. Maybe that's not sound logic but their houses were already brimming with kids and ours was ridiculously and unnervingly quiet that Christmas. The echos of the what-could-have-beens where bouncing off the walls.

My hubby's work had a function on Saturday and both of those other ladies with their almost 3 year olds were there. Seriously, at one point, I wanted to throw up. Their lives should be my life. I should be chasing a three year old around, too, damn it. And, I know it's not a big deal but one of the ladies referred to her daughter as a drama queen and that pissed me off. What I wouldn't do to deal with Lily's drama everyday.

I don't know. I'm pissed.