Thanks, Marie!

Sweet Marie over at myexpectedend awarded me this great award! I love these awards! So, here it goes~

Here are the rules...


1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.

2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the award and post it on your sideboard.)

JenJen's 7 things~

1. I love my God. My relationship with God has been an interesting one since finding out I was pregnant with Lily than having her taken home to heaven, but I do know that He has never left my side. I felt His hand on my shoulder through my tears and doubt. He offered unconditional love through my questions of why me and self-pity.

2. I love my husband. I cannot begin to elaborate on his presence in my life. He is the best human being that I have ever encountered and he makes me want to be a better person. I love him compeletly and unabashedly.

3. I love my babies. Lily's conception to me will always be a story of God's glory~ and, Abebe growing inside of me has given me a sense of purpose again. Its an awesome feeling when you are growing human beings!


4. I love my sister. Who is a freakin saint, and without a doubt is the sweeter and nicer of the Hambrick girls. She has only missed calling me one day since I got out of the hospital after Lily died, and is a constant positive and loving force in my life.

5. I love my nieces. My nieces are a blast and then some! My hubby and I get all excited when we know that we will soon be seeing them~ We're going to see them tomorrow and then my sister and the kids are coming to stay with us for 2 days next week! We are so siked!

6. I love my cat. Yeah, some of you think you love your pets, but do they have their own bedroom with kitty furniture and toys? And, pictures of cats from magazines all over the wall so that they don't resent being any only furbaby? Yeah, Delilah is a diva...

7. I love to travel. I have a constant sense of wanderlust. I love seeing new places and trying new foods. I especially love to go to cities that are enriched with history~

O.K. so the seven bloggers that I nominate are:

Lea

Mirna

Beth

Erica

Madycait

Tamara

Hollie

Another repeat holiday~

Every year, my hubby and I go on a Memorial weekend whirlwind trip (except this year because I had to work and we were supposed to go to Scotland next week!), and last year we went to Boston. We had the best time in Boston (seriously, I would move there tomorrow), and it was so exciting because we joked about baby's first trip. I bought the cutest onesie with shamrocks on it that said "that's it! I'm going to Nana's!" We were so happy on that trip and talked about how we would probably not go anywhere next Memorial Day because we would have a nearly 6 month old, and it would be too difficult to take a 2 day trip...how blissful we were....how unaware of how life can change in an instant.

Another Memorial day, but pregnant with a completely different baby. I've lived this holiday once with dreams for my child...but, now these dreams are for a different child.

I'm going to post a picture of us from last Memorial Day in Boston~ its chilly up there in May, but underneath the sweatshirt is my baby bump~ my smile is genuine...which is different now in recent pictures...

A Different Child

I totally lifted this off someone on my birthboard, but it was too great not to pass on to all in dbml that are pregnant with their rainbow babies~

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

God reminds us that we're still alive

I don't remember what my life was like before Lily came into it. Life before her seems insignificant, vague, and blurry. My heart shifted as I told the doctor how much I didn't want to lose her~ and, then she was gone. Life as I know it now started the moment that her heart stopped. The doctors that came in and out of the room would offer their condolences and tell me how lucky that I was to be alive. One doctor even spoke to us about how great adoption was for his family, and that I shouldn't feel bad for not being able to carry children any longer.

I still have moments were I remember waking up on the venilator and crying...not because I was scared, but because I was still alive. Without my daughter. I left the hospital with a prescription for Xanax, Ambien, and Zolfot instead of the doctors listening to how I felt~

They days since August 3, 2008 have been difficult to say the least. I tried the medicine for awhile, and they did help mask the pain. I stopped taking them and the pain was still there. Pain reminds us that we're still alive, and breathing did become easier as the days continued to move on....

I got reminded again that I'm still alive on April 23, 2009 when those two lines appeared on the test. I got reminded again that I'm still alive on May 11, 2009 when I saw my baby's heartbeat on the screen, and again when I heard Abebe's heartbeat on the u/s machine yesterday. I thought I had died inside the day that Lily died, but this new life inside me tells me that I'm still alive. I wrote a poem when I was pregnant with Lily about having two hearts (mine and hers), and that poem will always be about her...I once again have two hearts, and I'm happy again to be...Alive.

Good day and compromises...

We had a great appointment today and got a 3d u/s of Abebe (read my other blog if you're confused!). Everything is looking great. I used to be an optimist, but life has given me a different outlook~ but, it is hard not to get excited...

Everytime we got home from an appointment I would post new pics of Lily on our my.space. Lily's u/s pic is still my profile picture. I still can't take her pic down and replace it with Abebe's but I did upload all the new pics into a new album. I am beginning to relax and I am falling in love with this new baby inside of me, but, just when I start to get excited...my heart reminds me of how badly it hurt to lose my sweet, Lily.

What a sight!

Some of you will already now that I work in a senior retirement community, and I love what I do, especially all of my precious friendships that I make with my residents and their families. We also have a rehab unit were they can come do physical/occupational/speech therapy and then go back home. Well, I have these lady that seriously falls and breaks something once a year (God love her) and comes to our facility for 6 weeks at a time, and she came in today for her yearly visit after breaking her hip. Her family is precious! I was pregnant with Lily when she was at my facility last year, so naturally they asked me how the baby was doing. Both of the daughters started to cry, because one of them had a stillborn daughter about 30 years ago. So, I recaped the events of Lily's death and by the end of the story all 3 of us were crying. Could you even imagine what was going through people's minds as they passed my office?

They were thrilled to find out that I'm expecting again, and they commented on how they just know that Lily is watching over me and the new baby everyday. I pray that's true because then she will also see how much I miss her and love her every second of the day.

new blog for rainbow baby~

So, I've had conflicted emotions regarding posting new baby on Lily's blog. I've decided to do a special blog for the new bean, and I hope all of you will check-in from time to time.

www.asurpriserainbow.blogspot.com

Last Monday's appointment has my excitement starting to build and my journey to a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby is sure to be one of varied emotions, but the one thing that is dominant in my mind is that I feel truly blessed to be given this opportunity again...

Lily's going to be a big sister :) and, like any good big sister, I know she will be watching out everyday for her brother/sister...

Just for giggles...

I was on my birthboard this morning and someone posted a link where you could receive a psychic reading about the day your baby is born. The "psychic", Madame Zaritska made the following prediction for our new bean:

The day you deliver, outside will be hazy. Your baby will arrive in the late night. After a labor lasting approximately 17 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 4 pounds, 13 ounces, and will be 17 inches long. This child will have dark brown eyes and a lot of red hair.

99 percent of this is crazy, but I did find it an odd coincidence that she predicted that the baby will have red hair (my haircolor) and dark brown eyes (my hubby's eye color) because those were questions never asked and 4 lbs 13 oz will be about right if baby arrives at 37 weeks. Now, I'm not having a vaginal birth and it will be a planned c-section so the late night thing may not groove with my doctor.

Anyways, a funny way to start a Saturday morning after being so sad the last few days.

I just miss her...

I miss Lily everyday, but the last few days have been extremely difficult for me. Let me warn you that my next statement makes me sound certifiable...it occurred to me on Monday after seeing the heartbeat of our new little bean that I am pregnant with a completely different human being. That sounds crazy. I keep flashing back to how I felt when I was pregnant with her. I can already find some differences between this pregnancy and when I was pregnant with Lily, and these differences make me cry.

I was sitting at my desk today and I had tears in my eyes as I had a thought about my pregnancy with Lily...and, all the innocence and naivety that I had with the things that can happen at any time of pregnancy. I'm trying so hard to get attached, but parts of me just want to protect myself. I do know that I already love this baby, and have started to daydream about meeting them one day.

I just miss Lily...so much...

Hormones!

My emotions are all over the place and I don't know if its the hormones or the reality of everything hitting me. Let me give you a few instances:

1. If I hear one more time "see, I told you if you would relax you would get pregnant." As a woman that has had issues with fertility, I find any and all such comments as very insulting. My comment to someone this morning was "I hardly think God cares how much work I put into getting pregnant this month when He's the one that does it on His timetable." Truly, irked me.

2. I love looking at my new ultrasound pictures of our new bean, but I just am not ready to pull Lily's u/s pic off of my my.space profile picture. Literally, I just got done bawling. I love my Lily, but this makes me feel guilty for not throwing myself into this new little life inside me.

3. I just cannot invision actually bringing a baby home in December and am always thinking that something is going to happen. I pray for our new bean several times a day, but I did the same thing for Lily...but, she isn't here with me.

I just found out that Kayleigh Freeman died and this has my heart just broken in a million pieces. Please, say a prayer for this family because we all know the pain that this family is now facing. The post that the wrote in memory of their daughter is beautiful...

So, my emotions have hit every spectrum...irked to weepy to doubtful to heartbroken...I'm having a moment or two...maybe, I'll be better tomorrow!

First Appointment Update!

We saw the little healthy heartbeat today! The doc said that the baby's heartbeat had just started beating recently and it was about 97~ which he said was completely normal at 6w2d so the baby is measuring pretty much exactly with my LMP. He looked pretty intently on where the baby was in my uterus and he said that the baby is in a terrific spot in the middle of my uterus. He said it will be even better if the placenta is on the left side of my uterus since my rupture happened on the right side. So, I got everything I wanted out of this first appointment. We go back next Thursday for another u/s, and I will be seeing him every 2 weeks.

What a relief! He says everything looks great, so far so good... the edd is 1/2/10, but take 3 weeks off and we're looking at the second week of December!

Today is the day!

Today is our first prenatal appointment for our new little bean. I am a bundle of nerves and I'm just praying that we are able to see a healthy little heartbeat. Please, say a little prayer for us today and I will post an update after the appointment!

Happy? Mother's Day

Yesterday, We were at Target and the most helpful staff person came up to ask if we needed any help, and we politely declined because I know my way around Target just about as well as that kid did...and, as he walked away he says "I hope you have a happy and blessed Mother's Day." The words thank you caught in my throat.

I've been wondering for the last 9 months 6 days on how this day would feel. I sit at my computer early this morning with tears in my eyes and an emptiness in my heart. I know there are many reading this that will know exactly the pain that this day will bring. I will not experience the joy of my child on this most sacred day for mothers. I will not experience the awe of dressing her up today to take to my mom's house for the picnic and look down at my firstborn and look back with fondness of the day that she was born.

I often think of the parable in the bible about the shepherd that has 100 sheep and one goes missing. He leaves the 99 to go looking for the one that is missing. That is the way that my heart feels today. Even if I had 100 kids, I would still long for the one that is gone. She is not missing because I know where she is, but that only makes the pain of her absence tolerable. It in no way takes the pain away .

My hubby was great and got me one of those mother's day cards that plays music. He signed it "we love you , mommy~ love, Lily and rainbow baby Nolf" It plays the song, Somewhere over the Rainbow. He also bought me a beautiful hydrangea plant. He continues to amaze me everyday with his compassion and patience with me, but I know that he feels the same way. His heart will be where I am today in one short month.

Today is not solely about me. My mother is still living, and I will honor her today. The day that my firstborn died, she was at my hospital bed crying as she watched her firstborn close to death. I can imagine that was excruciating for her, because no mommy wants to see their baby sick and doesn't matter how old that baby gets!

The mother's day cards that I may/may not receive today will never fully immortalize the feelings that I have today. I never changed my daughter's diapers, gave her a bath, feed her/burped her, and I will never see her smile. But, what I do have is unconditional and undying love for her, my daughter, my firstborn.

I have a happier day in my mindseye as I picture mother's day next year when I think of this new life inside of me, but cannot allow that picture to fully develop because of the pain that will surface if something else were to happen.

I am thankful for the life of my daughter, the beautiful one whose's life was so brief, but brought me the greatest title that I will ever have~ Mother.

DO NOT....

freakin watch Extreme Home Makeover while pregnant. Good gracious...I'm sobbing and saying "I'm just so happy to see them so happy" all the while wiping away tears with the dirty napkin that I just used with dinner.

Another episode was coming on and I just had to change to channel to some completely neutral, so now I'm watching Survivor....nothing like seeing crazy people that need to eat and take a shower to make you feel better...nevermind now they're eating chicken hearts and I need to go puke...

Did I mention that I love being pregnant?

Hard

Its hard to watch your hubby cry. We were watching one of those bbc short videos about the first trimester, and right at the part where they show the new little heart start beating...I look over at my sweet hubby and he is crying.

You should know that my husband is the BEST man that any woman could ever hope~ honestly, I have nothing bad to say about him. Not only is he the best husband but he is also a great daddy. He LOVES Lily and misses her just as much as I do...so, when the clip about the heart pumping came on...his mind went back to the night that he watched Lily's heart STOP on the u/s machine.

I so want this new little bean to be healthy and that we have a nice strong heartbeat on Monday's appointment. We both need hope and nothing brings about hope more than new life. His memory of Lily's last moments cannot be erased, but I do hope that our second child's hearbeat will be a sign for him of good things to come~

Deja vu?

My family and friends were so sweet last mother's day when they sent me cards and my.space messages wishing me happy mother's day when I was only 10 weeks pregnant or so. I was so touched and I remembered thinking that this would be my last mother's day without a child in my home. Now, I find myself in the same predictment, but in a different sense. I know all of us in deadbabymamaland are dreading this Sunday, and will question God why we are left with empty arms on this most special day for mothers. This is the only day of the year that the world recognizes mothers, but there is no card section for the mothers in our club.

I find myself pregnant with my second child, but the irony is is that I'm a childless mother. My child does not sleep in the nursery that was awaiting her arrival, and her clothes still lay in the dresser with tags still attached.

Will I be added in the mother's day card rotation this year because I am pregnant again or will my status as Lily's mommy be enough?