Risks...

I desperately want to get pregnant again. I have dreams a few times a week that I'm pregnant again, and I'm all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with planning for a baby. I know that another baby will not erase the pain of losing Lily, but not being given the option to have another baby the "natural" way is very, very difficult. I would even be willing to put up with all the crap at the RE just to be able to have the possibility of carrying another baby in my body.

I know that I am having a pity party...but in all honesty~ I don't want to have to go through surrogacy or adoption to have a child in my home...I want to create another baby with my husband the same way that most people do. I hope no one ever has the feel the pain of a doctor looking you straight in the face and saying "NO". The rebellious part of me just wants to go for it, and if I die, well...that would suck for my husband and my family, but I would be in heaven with Lily. But, what if I don't and I make it through the pregnancy and have the cherished child that my hubby and I want more than anything?

I know people mean well when they try to pump me up about how great surrogacy and adoption will be, and they share all these wonderful stories of people they know that did the same thing...and I appreciate those stories. Most of those people have a couple of kids, and have no idea of the emotional pain and the physical yearning that I still feel everyday~ over the loss of Lily and my supposed inability to ever carry more babies.

Also, I have a useless uterus in my body, but I still get to enjoy periods every single month, is just the icing on the cake. My busted-a*@ uterus is not living up to its resume, and I still have to put up with all the crap that all the "fertiles" have to every month.