Sunday, January 11, 2009

I want the pain!

I was reflecting on the day that Lily died. That's the only thing that happened that day in my opinion...yeah, I was really sick and almost died~ yada, yada, yada. I remember the drive on the way to the hospital and all the pain that I was in, and telling myself "is this labor? because it hurts like h@*l". So, I was very confused when I got to the hospital and I wasn't having any contractions. I remember the relieve that I felt when they told me that Lily was doing terrific, and that it wasn't the baby~ they were so sure that they removed the fetal heart monitor.

As it turns out~ a placenta abruption was brewing, and to follow was a catastrophic uterine rupture. The rupture is what is keeping me from having anymore babies. But, say that I do get pregnant again...a natural birth is not an option for me. The whole "can I or can't I" debate doesn't even pertain to me.

To have a baby out of my body is the only thing that matters to me, but I'm realistic. This whole "no" thing from the doctor has obviously been a hard thing for me to handle, hence all the recent posts. I'm even jealous knowing that I won't ever really experience childbirth. I had a c-section in the end due to how critically ill that I was, so I do have that battle scar to be proud of. I didn't even get to see Lily until 24 hours later when I finally got off the ventilator. So, I don't have the gooey baby memories. My daughter was unnaturally cool from being in the refrigerator.

I'm just so stuck right now. I'm happy for all the mommas that are getting pregnant after their losses, but I would be lying if I said that a tear or two doesn't slide down my cheek because I feel so alone.


Beth said...

My heart breaks for you Jen - I can't get over how unfair it is that your only sweet daughter is gone. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with horrible news from your doctors. Have you thought about getting a second opinion? I do think adoption is such a great idea, but I can DEFINITELY understand the frustration with that being your only option. You guys will be great parents to any baby - you definitely are to Lily.

Tiffany said...

I am so very sorry you are having this to deal with. I can't even imagine what is must be like to know you will never be preg again. Surrogate is a way to have a biological baby but the pregnancy will never be yours. I am deeply sorry from my heart. I wish I could take away some of your pain.

Orluna said...

I know this is extremely hard. So, much that it is unbearable most days for you. I am truly sorry. I love you so much. But here is some tough love, sister of my heart. You get pregnant again, you die, and then what kind of mother will you be if the child lives through your uterus exploding again and your husband has to raise her here on earth alone. Yes, you would be with Lily, but could you do that to the possible child you left behind or C? Ignoring the rest of us who would be lost every day with you in our lives. Surrogacy and adoption are wonderful options... and yes, I know you will never feel a child inside you again, but you felt her once, never once complained, and loved every minute of it. You were/are blessed. I love you and will do all I can for you, but you dying in my book is NOT an option. All the decisions are between you and your husband, but just think about all the end-scenarios before you make a decision. Sure, get a second opinion... sure, you may have to stay hooked up in the hospital your entire pregnancy... look into it all, make your choices, but if you die, I'm coming up there to kick your ass. Sorry if this is harsh, but it pissed me off. I love you.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you don't mind me posting but I think about you so often. It isn't fair and I will never understand the extent of your pain. I just know that you are entitled to all of your pain and you don't have to feel happy about other people getting pregnant...I certainly wouldn't in your position. We care about you so much and I can't say anything else but I am so sorry.

Amy said...

My heart is breaking for you.

I wish I had words that could make it better but I don't. Sorry, really isn't good enough for your situation. You are in my thoughts, you will always be in my thoughts and now, you will be in my heart too.