Uterus envy?

Anytime I see those shows like "18 kids and pregnant again!" (you know those fertile Dug.garts) the first thing I say to myself is "wow, she must have one amazing uterus." I understand the critical balance that goes along with the miracle of life, and all the things that can go wrong. I get pi**ed off at my uterus again anytime someone has a baby. Yeah, the doctor gave me "permission" to get pregnant again, but I'm going to worry for the entire 9 months that my uterus will pop again.

So, some people are envious of people with money, nice cars, or big houses...not me, I just want a trustworthy and dependable uterus.

Lily Bear

I was given a little teddy bear when I was in the hospital when Lily died, and we promptly named the teddy bear "Lily bear." The name just seemed fitting. Anyways, Lily bear has been in our bed since the day we came home from the hospital. I feel silly being 31 and having Lily bear in my bed, but this bear physically touched Lily (I believe there is a picture of Lily with Lily bear in the slideshow) and having Lily bear near comforts me. When I make the bed in the morning she is placed with all the pillows, and she is placed between my pillow and my husband's pillow while we sleep. Sometimes, when I watch tv I put Lily bear on my chest...like I did when I was lying in the hospital bed, and my body felt so empty, and the weight of Lily bear on my chest was the only thing that reminded me that life was still moving.

When we're kids we have a toy that we carry with us everywhere and the thought of not having this toy destroys us. I never plan on giving away or tossing out Lily bear...neither will Lily bear become a toy for our next child. How did I become a grown woman that loves a teddy bear?

Sex and the City

I remember going to see the Sex and the City movie on the opening weekend last May with my sister, and I being blissfully happy because I was pregnant with my first baby. I remember empathizing with Charlotte because in the movie she is pregnant after trying for years and she was so happy and so anxious because she had finally gotten what she always wanted~ I could have done that role because that was my life.

The movie was on cable last night and my dh hadn't seen it yet, so I watched it again even though I knew the emotions that it would stir inside of me. My story doesn't end as happily as Charlotte's story, and watching the movie last night put me right back in that dark theatre with my sister at my side. I remember crying when Charlotte had her baby and they were in the hospital and I could almost place myself in that bed and imagine all the happiness that she was feeling. My daydream of that day for my family never became a reality.

I imagine we all have a special spot in our hearts for our first pregnancies and our firstborns (I would definetly like to believe that I am my parents' favorite~just joking, Aimee). I will be just as ecstatic and in love with any future children that my wonderful hubby and I bring into the world, but my heart does ache for the dreams that will never be fulfilled for my beautiful firstborn, Lily.

Life isn't a movie, and it isn't a fairytale...but, we all have a story to tell. My story began meeting the love of my life and creating a beautiful life together~ Lily. The rest of my story cannot be found in cliffnotes, but instead must be lived day by day.

PAR

I belong to a wonderful uterine rupture support group that has been very helpful in sorting out the emotions involved with uterine ruptures. They also have a sub-group for pregnancies after ruptures, so I have jumped in with them because they are all in the same situation that I am...some of the ladies are already pregnant, but a lot of them are still TTC and working through all the fear associated with PARs, especially if its their first PAR. I've only been lurking thus far, but reading all of their posts so far has been extremely reassuring to me that our next pregnancy will most likely end up good.

Our new ob-gyn likened a uterine rupture to a classical c-section scar (where they cut all the way down the uterus and make a T at the top), and he says that women have babies all the time after having a classical scar on their uterus. So, oddly, this news was very reassuring to me. Of course, we will have another c-section and I would never be crazy enough to go for a VBAC after a UR. Even when I was pregnant with Lily and pictured the day that she was born the thought of pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon was never something that seemed like fun. I give all of you a high-five out there that love natural births and all, but I'm okay with another c-section.

We have officially decided that we are going to start TTC in June while we are in Scotland~ I so want to be the cliche and get knocked up while on vacay!! It took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily, but I'm prayerful that God has a shorter wait in store of us next time around.

I only cried twice!

Yesterday, was my birthday and the one year anniversary of the day that I truly found out that I was pregnant, and I'm relieved to say that I only cried twice. I had to work all day, literally I got to work at 8:30 am and left at 10 pm, because we had an event at work last night. I think it was probably good that I was super busy all day. I did cry as I put my angel pin on my shirt that I wear on the days that I'm especially missing her, and did get overwhelmed when I thought about how happy I was on my birthday last year. And, I cried a little with my dearest friend at work as we talked about the significance of the day for me.

I no longer cry everyday, my jealousy towards pregnant women IRL is waning (as long as they're having boys!), and its easier to be around babies. I still get weepy as I walk through the baby sections at stores though, but try to tell myself, that its only a matter of time before I'll be buying for a baby again. But, thats really not the point, I miss Lily, and never want to forget how ecstatic and blessed I felt when I learned that she was coming into my life. She just wasn't here as long as I wanted her to be~ but, loved every second that she was...

March 25th

This day last year I went home and took a pregnancy test because my always prompt period had not arrived, and for the first time saw the word "pregnant." I think my actual words to my husband was "dear God, its says pregnant!" On March 26th, I went to my RE for the blood work to confirm, and was again thanking God for the most precious 8 letter word that ever landed on my ears. March 26th was my 30th birthday, and I never really ever wanted to be 30, because that was the age when you're a teenager that you believe means your fun life is over. I didn't care how old I was on my birthday last year, because I was ecstatic that I would never have to spend a birthday again without my child. So, tomorrow I turn 31 (yikes!) and I am empty armed.

I'm not sure my birthday will ever have the same meaning, because in my mind now, its just the anniversary of the happiest day of my life~

Pang of regret

I was talking with my hubby last night about the different features of each other that mixed together to create our beautiful daughter, Lily. I had the pang of regret last night because I never looked at her ears. The pang hit my heart so quick that I was sad for the rest of the night. I wish I could just be satisified with the time that I did spend with her, but I will always have the "why didn't I do this or that" while I was with her...