Hormones!

My emotions are all over the place and I don't know if its the hormones or the reality of everything hitting me. Let me give you a few instances:

1. If I hear one more time "see, I told you if you would relax you would get pregnant." As a woman that has had issues with fertility, I find any and all such comments as very insulting. My comment to someone this morning was "I hardly think God cares how much work I put into getting pregnant this month when He's the one that does it on His timetable." Truly, irked me.

2. I love looking at my new ultrasound pictures of our new bean, but I just am not ready to pull Lily's u/s pic off of my my.space profile picture. Literally, I just got done bawling. I love my Lily, but this makes me feel guilty for not throwing myself into this new little life inside me.

3. I just cannot invision actually bringing a baby home in December and am always thinking that something is going to happen. I pray for our new bean several times a day, but I did the same thing for Lily...but, she isn't here with me.

I just found out that Kayleigh Freeman died and this has my heart just broken in a million pieces. Please, say a prayer for this family because we all know the pain that this family is now facing. The post that the wrote in memory of their daughter is beautiful...

So, my emotions have hit every spectrum...irked to weepy to doubtful to heartbroken...I'm having a moment or two...maybe, I'll be better tomorrow!

First Appointment Update!

We saw the little healthy heartbeat today! The doc said that the baby's heartbeat had just started beating recently and it was about 97~ which he said was completely normal at 6w2d so the baby is measuring pretty much exactly with my LMP. He looked pretty intently on where the baby was in my uterus and he said that the baby is in a terrific spot in the middle of my uterus. He said it will be even better if the placenta is on the left side of my uterus since my rupture happened on the right side. So, I got everything I wanted out of this first appointment. We go back next Thursday for another u/s, and I will be seeing him every 2 weeks.

What a relief! He says everything looks great, so far so good... the edd is 1/2/10, but take 3 weeks off and we're looking at the second week of December!

Today is the day!

Today is our first prenatal appointment for our new little bean. I am a bundle of nerves and I'm just praying that we are able to see a healthy little heartbeat. Please, say a little prayer for us today and I will post an update after the appointment!

Happy? Mother's Day

Yesterday, We were at Target and the most helpful staff person came up to ask if we needed any help, and we politely declined because I know my way around Target just about as well as that kid did...and, as he walked away he says "I hope you have a happy and blessed Mother's Day." The words thank you caught in my throat.

I've been wondering for the last 9 months 6 days on how this day would feel. I sit at my computer early this morning with tears in my eyes and an emptiness in my heart. I know there are many reading this that will know exactly the pain that this day will bring. I will not experience the joy of my child on this most sacred day for mothers. I will not experience the awe of dressing her up today to take to my mom's house for the picnic and look down at my firstborn and look back with fondness of the day that she was born.

I often think of the parable in the bible about the shepherd that has 100 sheep and one goes missing. He leaves the 99 to go looking for the one that is missing. That is the way that my heart feels today. Even if I had 100 kids, I would still long for the one that is gone. She is not missing because I know where she is, but that only makes the pain of her absence tolerable. It in no way takes the pain away .

My hubby was great and got me one of those mother's day cards that plays music. He signed it "we love you , mommy~ love, Lily and rainbow baby Nolf" It plays the song, Somewhere over the Rainbow. He also bought me a beautiful hydrangea plant. He continues to amaze me everyday with his compassion and patience with me, but I know that he feels the same way. His heart will be where I am today in one short month.

Today is not solely about me. My mother is still living, and I will honor her today. The day that my firstborn died, she was at my hospital bed crying as she watched her firstborn close to death. I can imagine that was excruciating for her, because no mommy wants to see their baby sick and doesn't matter how old that baby gets!

The mother's day cards that I may/may not receive today will never fully immortalize the feelings that I have today. I never changed my daughter's diapers, gave her a bath, feed her/burped her, and I will never see her smile. But, what I do have is unconditional and undying love for her, my daughter, my firstborn.

I have a happier day in my mindseye as I picture mother's day next year when I think of this new life inside of me, but cannot allow that picture to fully develop because of the pain that will surface if something else were to happen.

I am thankful for the life of my daughter, the beautiful one whose's life was so brief, but brought me the greatest title that I will ever have~ Mother.

DO NOT....

freakin watch Extreme Home Makeover while pregnant. Good gracious...I'm sobbing and saying "I'm just so happy to see them so happy" all the while wiping away tears with the dirty napkin that I just used with dinner.

Another episode was coming on and I just had to change to channel to some completely neutral, so now I'm watching Survivor....nothing like seeing crazy people that need to eat and take a shower to make you feel better...nevermind now they're eating chicken hearts and I need to go puke...

Did I mention that I love being pregnant?

Hard

Its hard to watch your hubby cry. We were watching one of those bbc short videos about the first trimester, and right at the part where they show the new little heart start beating...I look over at my sweet hubby and he is crying.

You should know that my husband is the BEST man that any woman could ever hope~ honestly, I have nothing bad to say about him. Not only is he the best husband but he is also a great daddy. He LOVES Lily and misses her just as much as I do...so, when the clip about the heart pumping came on...his mind went back to the night that he watched Lily's heart STOP on the u/s machine.

I so want this new little bean to be healthy and that we have a nice strong heartbeat on Monday's appointment. We both need hope and nothing brings about hope more than new life. His memory of Lily's last moments cannot be erased, but I do hope that our second child's hearbeat will be a sign for him of good things to come~

Deja vu?

My family and friends were so sweet last mother's day when they sent me cards and my.space messages wishing me happy mother's day when I was only 10 weeks pregnant or so. I was so touched and I remembered thinking that this would be my last mother's day without a child in my home. Now, I find myself in the same predictment, but in a different sense. I know all of us in deadbabymamaland are dreading this Sunday, and will question God why we are left with empty arms on this most special day for mothers. This is the only day of the year that the world recognizes mothers, but there is no card section for the mothers in our club.

I find myself pregnant with my second child, but the irony is is that I'm a childless mother. My child does not sleep in the nursery that was awaiting her arrival, and her clothes still lay in the dresser with tags still attached.

Will I be added in the mother's day card rotation this year because I am pregnant again or will my status as Lily's mommy be enough?