Walking a fine line...

I feel like I'm walking a fine line when it comes to being a good friend but wanting to preserve my mental state.  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies these days.  I feel like I'm dropping off a meal to an excited family with a new baby with a fake smile plastered on my face.  I fake eagerness to hold their new little human that smells so good but then reluctantly hand them back their new bundle of joy.  I've done this song and dance so many times.  I did this awkward dance the almost 2 years while trying to get pregnant, then after losing Lily and I do this stupid dance all.the.effin.time now.

You should hear the conversations in my head.  Maybe, you shouldn't because they make me feel crazy.  The conversations about being selfless and being a good friend.  The conversations about the unfairness in this world.  The conversations about where God is is in all this mess.  I know I'm not less deserving to have both of my children or be able to give Cooper a sibling but alas, God seems to think so...

I laugh at conversations (in my head) amongst friends while they chatter on about if they want to have "one more baby" as they say it as it's a given.  Oh, to have that arrogance...

I get bitter as I listen to friends talk about their second pregnancies being so much different then their first because  this time around they're chasing after their toddler.  Wow, what a bother to take care of that living child on yours.  On Friday, I listened to a friend actually say that she's not as naive this pregnancy about not losing the baby and that she's actually nervous this time.  For her, I feel nervous for her because being pregnant isn't a guarantee that you'll bring a baby home.  She's never experienced a loss but at least she's not being arrogant.  All I could say as I listened to her talk was say "Yeah..." but I couldn't elaborate and actually got busy putting away picnic stuff because I don't have it in me to encourage others during pregnancy right now.  Right now, I'm just sick of being around pregnant people.  But, I smile and listen to these conversations while rolling my eyes in my head.  I have to be a good friend, right?  No one cares about being a good friend to me and maybe, ask just one time if I'm okay...

Oy, it's Mother's Day and I miss my girl.  I'm pissed that my Mother's Day will never feel complete...

Lily's lilies

I guess I should explain Lily's lilies to new readers just so you have a frame of reference.  It took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with Lily and my hubby bought me an Easter Lily for Easter 2007.  I thought it was so beautiful so we planted it in our little patch of yard in front of our town home.  We also decided that we just loved the name Lily and would name our daughter Lily if we were ever blessed with a daughter...and, we were blessed with her but not in the way that we dreamed of...

This morning, I was just delighted to see the first flower to bloom!  I don't believe in coincidences so what makes this even more special is that 4 years ago this week was the first time that we saw her heartbeat!  I believe in signs and I believe that she's telling me that she's doing great...

Thank you, precious one!  I love you! 

I was going to write a post about the March for Babies walk that we participated in for Lily and Cooper yesterday but it doesn't feel right...

Please, go show Becky some love on her blog.  I don't know what happened but her rainbow baby, Evelynn, passed away.  My heart is devastated for her.

3 more days until The March for Babies!

I can't believe that we're only 3 days away from the walk! It's been a busy week of finishing the little details like making our matching shirts and 4th quarter fundraising...

I also decided to decorate my rainbow baby's wagon with butterflies! I posted on Fb if my blm friends would like their baby(ies)'s name on a butterfly and the response was tremendous! His wagon is going to be beautiful and I do get a little misty eyed when I think of these butterflies being with us for the entire walk!

I included a pic of Lily's butterfly :) also, there is still time to donate! All you have to do is click on the following link and your donation is tax deductible...

Lily's shirt for her brother :)

I wanted something special for Cooper to wear to the March for Babies walk this year so I had a t-shirt made by a fellow blm, Katy, who is the mastermind behind Somewhere over the Rainbow. Her shop is precious and she sells many items for our angel babies as well as items for our rainbow babies.

I had a huge smile on my face that this shirt came today since you will remember that today is a special day between her and I if you read my previous post :)

The anniversary...

Today is the anniversary of the happiest day of my life. Today, 4 years ago, was the day that I got my positive pregnancy test with Lily. We had been waiting to see the word "pregnant" on a hpt for almost 2 years. Today is also my 34th birthday...

Lily,

You changed the meaning of my birthday when you made your presence known. I envisioned my birthdays to be so different when I took that test and found out that you would be coming into our world. I imagined sharing birthday cake with you and you making me a homemade card. We both know that today won't be filled with these sweet memories (with you being here)but the day that I found out about you will always be my sweetest memory.

I know we'll celebrate together one day and until then...I love you and miss you relentlessly.

Forever,
Mommy

March for Babies 2012

We're participating with the March of Dimes' March for Babies for the 4th year in a row! We're very excited to participate again and I actually met with a rep yesterday to give her some suggestions. One suggestion has been nagging on my heart since our very first walk...

I've been troubled by the lack of acknowledgement for the babies that don't make it and who will never attend a walk. I remember wearing Lily's tiny purple hat on my shirt and wondering why her life felt insignificant amongst all the celebration. What about her life? The life that is just as important as her brother's life, the life that she never really got to live...

I mentioned this to the rep yesterday and I didn't want to but I actually shed a few tears...I keep my emotions in check rather well, I think, but the tears came anyways. I would love to have just a moment of silence for all the precious little feet that will never take their first steps. I originally did the walk in memorial for Lily and took every step with her in my mind and on my heart.

It's my life's mission to be the best possible mother to both my babies. So, if that means that I have to be extra vocal so that her life and the lives of all her friends are acknowledged...then, bring it on! The rep was very receptive to suggestions and I do hope that she took them back to the decisionmakers...who I don't mind talking to, also!

I talked to some other blm friends and other cities do some type of memorial for the babies that don't make it...it's time that the Atlanta Chapter get on board...

Side note: You can donate to our March for Babies time by clicking on the badge to the right :)