Private

I think about how open I have allowed my life to become with this blog and how violated I feel everytime I receive a random comment or spam message through my email. I don't like it, it makes me feel weird.

I've decided to make Lily's blog private. I know I'm going to lose readers which makes me sad but I think making my blog private will actually allow me to share more. I worry about people in real life reading this blog and sometimes hold back. This will give me the opportunity to be 100% honest. There is more to me than what I've share so far, hard to believe, huh?

I'm going to leave things public for a few days but if you would like to continue following then please send me an email to lilysmommy8308@yahoo.com

xoxo,
Jen, Lily's mommy

One more thanks!

Last but certainly not least, is a pic from Trennia! Sister, I'm sorry that I didn't include this in the first post but it was in my other email and I have to write posts so quickly these days (due to a very mobile Cooper!) that it somehow didn't make the first post...

Thanks so much! xoxo!

Birthday thanks!

I've been so blessed to "meet" some remarkable women since losing Lily and have considered these friends to be my silver lining in my post-Lily life. Yes, people that you've never met in real-life can be "friends" and actually, I go to some of these women with issues before I go to friends that I have in real-life.

Some of these friends took time to remember Lily on her birthday in the way of pics with her name or lighting a candle. My heart became so happy with each new pic. Thank you for remembering her with me.

Hollie (Cameron's mommy)

Christy (Leila's mommy)

Bree (Ella's mommy)

Holly (Jordan and Carleigh's mommy)

Nichole (Lily's mommy)

Maggie (Alexandra's mommy)

Emalee (Kenner's mommy)

Prayers

I made a friend with a December 2009 momma when she lost her second baby, Lainey, at 23 weeks last October. We hooked up on face.book and we actually only live about 40 minutes from each other. She got pregnant with her rainbow baby earlier this year and was due in October. She found out yesterday, at 31 weeks, that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Two babies in Heaven. I haven't been able to stop thinking of her. She went to the hospital to be induced to meet her precious baby that's been nicknamed squishy baby because she doesn't know the sex yet. She wanted to save that surprise for their birthday and I'm sure this wasn't the birthday that she wanted for this precious baby...

Can you please lift her and her family up in prayer today and for the days to come...No mother should lose one baby and losing 2 just beyond tragic.

Words from a BLD

My hubby wrote this poem for Lily's 3rd birthday. He's such a strong man but I know that he carries a lot of hurt still. When I asked him if I could share this poem on my blog he said "it's probably too depressing for people". My response "your baby dying is depressing and everyone in the babyloss world understands...."

My pain

Three years have past since I touched your skin
In my heart it feels like a day
A different man now lives in this body of mine
A broken creature who holds the same name

For me there is no bright side to see
No silver lining within this dark cloud
Some look skyward and force smiles from pain
But my soul shrieks screams that are loud

I have tried to find some peace since you left
I have tried thinking of the grander plan
But none of those thoughts have a chance to replace
Dreams of my smiling girl holding my hand

Eternity in heaven will be great someday
Being with you should put pain in the past
That future should make me forget these years that we lost
But my focus on the present continues to last

I can’t not let go of the anger I face
Each morning as I welcome the day
I’ve been robbed of the very most precious of gifts
And I can’t wipe my need for vengeance away

I am sorry that I can’t heal the way I should
I want you here so much it hurts
But no matter how nicely I spin this disaster
My upward looking turns downward to the dirt

After all this time my wound is fresh as new
My life that remains is often hard to manage
Some would think that a wall wouldn’t miss one small brick

But when mine fell I could not control the damage

Lily's balloons

This is just a quick video of our balloon release from yesterday. I do have the pics of the balloons for those that wanted their baby's name on the balloon and I will post those soon!

Pics of Lily's 3rd birthday!

I so wanted yesterday to be a day of love and celebration and not a day of mourning. I think we succeded in having a day full of remembrance and very minimal tears!

We started our day with butterfly shaped blueberry pancakes!

The message on the inside of the box lids. This was my last touch to make the boxes perfect!

The boxes and Lilybear. LB was part of our memory box when we left the hospital without Lily. She still sleeps in the bed with us.

My rainbow and me with the balloons that we sent to Lily for her birthday~

Lily's little brother and daddy :)